DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to sever a business relationship that has an aspect of friendship to it?

For the last two years, I have been paying a woman to give me once-a-week private riding lessons. We hit it off nicely when we first met, as we have several things in common besides horses. But now, for two reasons, I'd like to "move on."

The first reason is that I feel I've gone just about as far as I can go under her instruction, and I would like to employ a more demanding and precise instructor.

The second reason is touchier. Although we get along well, not only does this woman like to talk, she likes to talk about her personal problems, endlessly and in great detail. And she has plenty of problems to choose from: myriad health concerns, a crumbling marriage, troubled teen-age kids, and fights with other clients, to name a few.

At first, I didn't mind chatting while getting the horse ready, or cooling down after the lesson, but the lessons have now turned into near-marathon monologues on her part, with me making as few comments as possible. I view my lesson as the sole time in my week when I can put my problems aside and concentrate on the horse. Apparently she's come to view it as a time for her to unload.

I don't think it'd be right to just "disappear." I do like the woman, and if I just went elsewhere, she'd eventually find out through the grapevine. Also, I know that she's lost at least two other clients due to her excess personal gab. Am I doing her a disservice by not telling her the truth? (I dread doing this, because I know how upset she gets over any criticism, real or perceived.)

I thought of using two instructors at once (not uncommon), but frankly, I've come to dread her lessons rather than anticipate them. Suggesting we get together for a drink and a chat isn't very feasible, as she lives nearly an hour away, I have small children, etc.

I'm sure other readers have had similar problems with hairdressers, house cleaners, and so on, and could use some advice on how to extricate oneself as painlessly as possible.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has never believed that the heart-to-heart talk was the answer to everything, and would hardly recommend attempting one with someone known to nurse grievances and to do all the talking.

Besides, what outcome do you expect? She may promise to keep quiet, which would probably only postpone the problem and fails to address your need for more rigorous instruction. More likely from your description, she is going to be hurt and you will either find yourself trying to comfort her by staying on, or switching from being the confidant for her grievances to being a featured meanie in her outpourings to others.

You are not obliged to give a reason for switching your patronage from one business person to another, and should do so only when you think it is likely to be more helpful than you expect it to be here. To avoid this, start out saying instead what you have enjoyed and appreciated and then thank her but announce that it is time for you to move on. If asked why, thank her again but reply, "Oh, it's just time."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A woman who has a child close in age to me asked me what grade I am going into this year. I replied that I am a rising high school senior. She then asked me what my SAT scores were.

Somewhat appalled by this question, since my parents have often told me that it is rude to ask someone a personal question, I merely answered that I did not do as well as I had hoped.

Unfortunately the woman went on to explain how well her daughter did on the SATs when she took them at the young age of 12.

How should I respond if someone asks me this again? Any snippy suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Snippy? Really, young lady. Didn't your parents tell you that there is no excuse for being snippy, not even other people's rudeness?

So did Miss Manners' parents. As a result, she learned to snip at rude people with scrupulous politeness.

Even all those parents together couldn't claim that it was rude to show interest in another person using that person's own definition of a suitable subject for inquiry. So what you should do is to skip answering by jumping in and asking eagerly, "Why, what were yours?" Notice: hers, not her daughter's.

When she responds by mumbling that she doesn't remember (as she will), you should say, "Oh, you're just being modest, I bet they were fantastic," and when she moves on to bragging about her daughter's (as she will), you should say, "Wow, that's terrific, congratulations."

Although such a person will again ask for your scores, Miss Manners promises you it will now be sheepishly. She will have already accomplished the bragging that prompted the question, so rather than topping you, she will have a belated feeling that she ought to give you a turn.

That is when you can say, "Oh, I wouldn't even want to say, I'm sure they're nothing compared to you and your daughter's." Only you must promise Miss Manners not to say it snippily.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is a 50th wedding anniversary more like a wedding in that the husband and wife plan it themselves, or more like a shower in that family plans it for them? As my parents' oldest child, is it appropriate for me to plan their celebration?

I don't want to seem forward by stealing the job from my mother and uncles if that is their responsibility. However, my uncles and their wives are in their 70s and 80s, and in increasingly fragile health, and my mother and father haven't mentioned any plans.

Shall we children take up the reigns and plan a celebration in honor of their 50 years of love and commitment? Or would that be treading on my mother's own ground?

GENTLE READER: Actually, a wedding should be planned by parents, not bride and bridegroom, although no one except Miss Manners still believes that. And while a couple could presumably be trusted with their own 50th anniversary party, by which time they should be mature enough not to stamp their feet and cry "I don't care -- it's our day and we get to do anything we want," it would be not only proper but charming for their children to give it.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I travel alone on an airplane, all I want to do is to sit quietly and read a book or a magazine, fill out a crossword puzzle, or do some other such quiet, solitary activity. However, I often find myself seated next to someone who wishes to engage me in a lengthy conversation.

People like this will inquire about my origin, my occupation, my love life, whether I am traveling for business or pleasure, or they relate to me their entire life histories. Once I sat next to a lady who, spontaneously and entirely unencouraged by me, proceeded to describe to me at length the entire course of her amateur ballroom dancing career.

Being on a plane, I am, of course, trapped in these exchanges, perhaps for an hour or two at a time. Is there anything I can do, politely, to fend off these unwanted conversational advances? I may seem antisocial, but I don't wish to be rude.

Some of my friends have suggested that I pretend to sleep or wear earphones and pretend to listen to music, but I would prefer to be left in peace and quiet without having to resort to such stratagems.

GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners sides with the victims of prying and hounding strangers, she begs you to remember that conversation among long-distance passengers was a great boon to travelers back when trips took even longer than airport delays. It was understood that the requirement for introductions was suspended so that people could be helpful and entertaining to one another.

This is no longer necessary. If people want to pour confidences and extract confessions from total strangers, they can go on the Internet. The polite way to discourage those who are not discouraged by vague looks and short answers is to say pleasantly, "Forgive me, I'm just not up to conversation now."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just became engaged, and my dear fiance very generously gave me a beautiful engagement ring. It is not a diamond ring; it is a sapphire. I love it, and intend to wear it every day until we are married.

Must I now stop wearing all my jewelry that contains other colored stones? I understand that there is a rule against diamonds before dusk, but that the rule does not apply to engagement rings. Is it too much to hope for that the ban on mixing colored gemstones might also be lifted when one of the stones is on an engagement ring?

If you tell me it is improper still, I will be disappointed, but I will of course limit myself to gold and silver jewelry and be grateful that the remainder has been retired for such a happy reason.

GENTLE READER: Fortunately, all engagement (and wedding) rings are exempted from the ban. Miss Manners isn't thinking that it is fortunate for you, nearly as much as that it is fortunate for her professional integrity. She is so pleased with the attitude and tone of your letter that if it weren't, she would have been severely tempted to say, "Oh, go ahead, on you, it would be charming, you couldn't possibly do anything wrong."

: