DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a very shy, quiet person at work. My strong work ethic, upbringing and genetic makeup made me that way. However, it always seems like the most loud-mouthed person at various jobs I have had think it is necessary to point this out to me, and it is often done when other people are around.

I am always taken aback by the rudeness of pointing out something personal to me. It makes me feel intimidated and upset. Needless to say, I end up disliking that person and go out of my way to avoid any future contact.

This last time, a co-worker at a restaurant (we were giving her a going-away lunch) said to me, "It's nice you came. You're so quiet."

This time I did find words and said, "I'm just working hard, trying to impress the supervisor."

Was this a good answer, or should I have said something harsher? I'm a nice person, and I do converse with people at work when I feel it is appropriate. It's always the loudest and most talkative people who like to "insult" me. What if l said to them, "You're so loud!"

GENTLE READER: No, please don't call anyone "loud." Isn't your object to discourage the Rudeness Squad, whose mission is to embarrass people who are behaving well? Then why join them?

Miss Manners knows that you are not alone in assuming that rudeness is the only way to make a point. She finds this odd, however, because it has a low success rate. The effective way to deal with this would be to reply only with a silent smile, clearly pasted on in place of a reply, and then to turn and begin a nice quiet conversation with someone else.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young father dies after a yearlong illness, leaving a widow and very young child. Both parents have worked outside the home and have extended family. They are not poor, but not well-to-do. At the memorial service, the widow gives instructions in the program for contributions to a college fund for the child.

I do not wish to disappoint my friend, the widow, and she is apparently (well) aware of who has contributed and who has not; but how does one know how much to contribute? Is it based on degree of friendship and familiarity, my own economic circumstances or speculation about theirs or the child's, or some other indicator? Please help.

GENTLE READER: Where do people get the impression that Miss Manners is in charge of billing for the events of life -- declaring that so much is owed for a birthday, so much for a graduation, a wedding, and, in this case, a death?

She wants no part of it. Kind as it is to help out those in need, or in want, there is no etiquette requirement to pay one's friends. Nor should they be asking, although in sad cases, an intimate of the family might discreetly issue an appeal on their behalf.

Miss Manners does not want to discourage you from helping educate those orphans if you wish. How much you give should then be calculated as sensible people calculate other charitable donations --according to what they can manage, what they believe is needed and how deeply they are touched, and not according to what the recipient hoped to get from you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: This may be more of a moral issue than one of etiquette: As an upstanding and dignified woman in my 60s, I find it most inappropriate that men (my husband of 40 years among them) think it acceptable and the "norm" to have what I would define as one-on-one "dates" with younger, unmarried women.

Apparently some of my friends' husbands think little of calling up another woman (preferably young and unmarried, someone they may have met previously in a business context) when alone on travel in another city, to join them for dinner. My husband will be out of the country on business soon and mentioned that he might "get together" with a young, unmarried woman who used to work for his company -- but who now lives in the city he will be visiting.

I don't ever recall seeing such behavior mentioned as part of good breeding in any etiquette books! Has something changed in our present-day world of social etiquette, and I missed it? (Is it under a revised chapter entitled "Manners for Old Married Geezers Dating Young Unmarried Chicks"?)

GENTLE READER: Just a guess, but if your husband is up to no good, he is not going to be deterred by Miss Manners tsk-tsking at him. Etiquette fell out of the chaperonage business for that reason (that reason and the late hours).

There is a deeper reason, as well. The blanket assumption, as it were, that there could be only one motive for members of opposite genders to dine together perpetrated tremendous social injustices.

No, Miss Manners is not defending the old geezer, if that is what he is, and you know him better than she does. But neither will she be a party to the outrageous assumption that two business associates who share a meal, or two friends for that matter, can only be on a romantic date if one of them is female.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At the baby shower of my sister's daughter-in-law, I was dismayed when the guest of honor's mother bypassed two other tables and took the floral centerpiece from ours to give to a departing guest. When leaving, would you have said or done anything to show your disapproval?

GENTLE READER: Such as what? "Unhand those posies, madam"?

Miss Manners has never cared for the intense interest in grabbing party leftovers, sometimes before the party is over. Removing flowers from the table while you were sitting at it would come under that band, but so would your assuming that they were yours to take home.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: If everyone could be so lucky as to have the problem I do. My husband is in medical school, and I am a graduate student. I am paid a stipend that is adequate to cover our living expenses and my tuition is paid for by a fellowship, but medical school is a different matter. My in-laws offered to pay for the entire cost of their son's education, over $100,000.

I understand that one should graciously accept all well-meaning gifts, but we could not bring ourselves to accept this. I believe they truly imagined there were no strings attached, but even with the best of intentions, they were not about to simply write us a check for $100, 000 and forget about it.

In declining, we said how appreciative we were of the very generous offer and did our best to provide no precise reasons for declining because we really didn't want to debate the issue. We told them simply that our financial independence was important to us and that our education would be all the more valuable if we were able to achieve it on our own.

They said they didn't think we could handle the responsibility of such a large debt and that our relationship would suffer under the strain of financial worries. It got kind of ugly and caused some hard feelings. I'm sure they still can't understand why we would have declined this gift, but providing reasons would have certainly made the whole thing even uglier.

Their response was to send us a check for a few hundred dollars. We didn't cash the check, explaining that we wished they would respect our decision to support ourselves. After about a year they began sending money again and the frequency of such gifts has only been increasing. Since that first check, we've accepted the money because it seems so rude to continue to reject their gifts, and I'm afraid we were wrong to have ever done so.

The truth is, though, we really don't want their money. Is there any rule that I've missed which would allow us to (somehow graciously) refuse money from them? Does it matter if it's enclosed in a birthday card? If it's $20 left on our desk? Should we have accepted their original offer and donated it to our favorite charity?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners certainly feels lucky to get this problem. It is not often that she receives a letter asking how to refuse money graciously, instead of how to extort it successfully.

Still, there is more to this than your admirable desire to pay your own way. These are your husband's parents, and considering his education their responsibility is also admirable. Horrid as it is for children to seem eager to get their hands on family money, renouncing what is freely (if now somewhat crudely) offered comes dangerously close to rejecting the family.

Fortunately, Miss Manners can tell you how to accept and reject it at the same time. She feels positively Solomonic.

Thank them profusely, and put all those birthday enclosures, tips left around the house, whatever, into a special nest-egg account. That way, you can tell them that although it is a point of pride with you to prove that you can support yourselves, you are mighty happy to know that a cushion is available, should anyone encounter job problems or become ill. Add that if all goes well, you plan to use it for their grandchildren's education -- unless, of course, your children tell you they will pay their own way through nursery school, thank you very much.

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