DEAR MISS MANNERS: For parties at which guests need not show up at a precise hour (e.g., cocktails, tea, at home), the first couple to arrive feels awkward about having arrived first. Furthermore, it is the fear of this awkwardness that causes guests to arrive at some random interval after the invitation time, and, in turn, causes hosts to second-guess their guests when choosing that invitation time in the first place.

My wife and I, therefore, invite a particular couple to serve as the designated first couple for the event. This couple, usually flattered to have been made an official part of the proceedings, agrees to show up exactly on time, and, of course, feels no awkwardness at arriving first. No other guest ever does arrive first.

While we cannot be sure that this custom of ours is responsible, we have found that, over time, guests are arriving nearer to parties' invitation times. If you like the idea of a designed first couple, please feel free to share it.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners would be delighted, provided you will allow her the privilege of reciprocating.

Her contribution is sort of the bookend to yours. This is the designated first person to go home -- the dear friend who, at a glance from the host, gets up and says, "My goodness, I had no idea what time it was!" Even after a wonderful evening, it serves to relieve guests who mistakenly believe that there is something rude about going home, as well as hosts who are beginning to believe they never will.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have fallen in love with a gentleman I have been dating for a while. He said he loves me, and we spend a lot of time together doing things. I enjoy his company, and I know he enjoys mine.

My problem is that he has women friends all over the globe whom he corresponds with and telephones. Do I have the right to be angry, even if these women are looking for an American husband?

GENTLE READER: Just a minute, please, while Miss Manners checks the Bill of Rights. In the meantime, you might tell her what you really want to know.

Is it whether a gentleman in love should lose his correspondence privileges? Is it whether it would be decorous in a lady to attempt to take them away? Is it whether it would be wise or even feasible in a lady to take them away?

The answer to all those questions is no.

However, if you wish to know whether the gentleman in question is checking out the foreign scene to find out whether he might be better off with someone else, the answer is beyond Miss Manners' scope. She can only tell you that if such is the case, you will eventually find out one way or another.

True, you might be able to find out sooner by means of the showdown you propose. But if the gentleman is faithful and merely innocently friendly, your raising the question of whether he wants to live under censorship could easily inspire the desire to do better.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have recently separated, and divorce is imminent. We have established separate households and share parenting obligations for our children.

The gentleman has recently moved in with his girlfriend of a few years, having recently revealed the clandestine relationship.

When I have encountered this person, dear Miss Manners, I am polite. I have not maligned her, either to my children or to the public. However, as you can imagine, I do not wish to associate with her in any way.

What is the problem? The problem is that this person is attempting to be friendly and apparently trying to establish our former relationship. We were casual acquaintances prior to, and during, her affair with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

While I acknowledge the need to associate with her occasionally for the sake of the children, how can I handle this situation correctly, yet convey my unwillingness to be around this person?

GENTLE READER: The setting you are looking for is cool. Cold and hot (whether the latter describes anger or passion) are out of place at family gatherings, because they demand partisanship on the part of others, a demand you have been courteous enough to avoid.

Cool behavior consists of doing everything socially required in a correct but abbreviated fashion. You greet the person with a short smile indicated by the turning up of the corners of the mouth but no accompanying sign of pleasure in the eyes. You answer any questions in few, neutral words ("Thank you, I'm fine"), avoid asking of your own ("I trust you are well" can substitute for "How are you?") and seize the first opportunity to say "Excuse me" and turn away.

Should this fail -- should your former friend attempt, for example, to hug you -- Miss Manners gives you permission to turn it up to frosty. At that setting, "Excuse me" immediately follows the greeting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended a baby shower for a cousin I rarely have a chance to see, I purchased, along with gifts from the gift registry, a few powder-scented candles and dried herbs (I've heard she's a great cook) as a gift for her.

She proceeded to ridicule the fact that I purchased candles for a home with a baby on the way, and said, "When am I going to have time to cook?"

I got those gifts as a nice gesture and was laughed at for it. Also, my gift was not the only one judged. Since I rarely see her, should I confront her about it, or should I be the mature one and let it go?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners supposes that you could make a case for removing the coming child from this person's care on the grounds that she has demonstrated herself to be incapable of looking after the child's welfare. One birthday party where that child imitates such behavior and her social fate will be sealed.

But it seems a great deal of trouble for someone you rarely see, and you have already taken far too much trouble on her behalf. Miss Manners recommends taking less by simply crossing proven ingrates from your list.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family has received a lovely invitation to a Bobby McFerrin concert and reception afterward. We are among several families to be invited. Our (childless) hostess is very generous.

But included with the invitation are two "contracts" that my two children, ages 11 and 15, must sign as a promise to be on their best behavior. She enclosed an SASE, too.

My children are accustomed to attending concerts and plays and, even when bored, are patient and never rude. We'd love to accept the invitation, but I'm a little put off by the preconditions. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That your children ought to consult their lawyers before signing. Mr. McFerrin is much given to asking for audience participation, and they may be faced with the choice between disobeying his instructions and violating the contract.

There is also, of course, that small matter of age discrimination. Although numerous prodigies have demonstrated that classical music is accessible to the very young, society persists in discouraging children from listening to it by telling them in not-too-subtle ways that they do not belong in concert halls.

Rude children have been known to disturb other concert-goers, but not because a gang of them shows up on their own. For every mannerless child, there is at least one mannerless accompanying adult. It is clearly discriminatory to use age profiling against any children present when they are outnumbered by rude adults.

However, Miss Manners does not believe that problem should be turned over to lawyers, even by children with generous allowances. Rather than signing these prejudicial contracts, your children should demonstrate their good manners by putting into the envelope a note thanking their hostess for inviting them and assuring her that they are experienced and enthusiastic concert-goers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you say guests should be invited to the wedding dinner, not just to come for drinks after the dinner, are you aware of the cost per plate? Unless one has a position where he or she makes big bucks, it is impossible to invite everyone to the dinner.

My daughter is getting married and has invited 300 people for dinner: uncles, aunts, first cousins, grandparents on both sides, close friends of the bride and groom, close friends of the parents, friends of the grandparents and close neighbors. We have a large family.

My daughter wants to include 30 co-workers (and spouses) for the church ceremony and reception, but not the dinner. When I receive such an invitation, I am not offended. I enjoy having a social evening where there is a free beer and free dancing, and where I can socialize with other people. I am glad to bring a gift. Get real, Miss Manners!

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is happy to take your advice and shine the harsh light of reality on what you have said.

We are in agreement that one should not overspend on a wedding. The disagreement is in how to spend a reasonable amount that one can afford.

Your priority is food; Miss Manners' is people. You want to spend it on dinner for a limited number; she would spend it, or perhaps even less, on a festive wedding breakfast or afternoon reception and invite everyone in that large family and circle of friends.

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