DEAR MISS MANNERS: Would it be wrong for me to not only bring up but to also inquire about the tragedy that ruined my family before I was ever born? Is it really any of my business, as I hadn't even been thought of yet?

See, I have a big sister and a big brother: one 11 years older, one 10 years older. There was another sister that I would have had also, as a big sister, only she drowned in the family's backyard when everyone was home. She was only 3 or 4.

I figured out that had I not had another sibling, well, they would have had her, not me. I kind of found out on my own -- nobody ever told me. To this day, my brother, who is 36, will not talk about what happened.

My parents were divorced by the time I was 6 or 7 and, to be honest, none of us kids is a role-model type adult. There is no communication on any level, no normal family gatherings. I feel knowing the truth about the past will help me resolve issues in my life, but I can't make up my mind because of the risk of hurting my mom and everyone else all over again.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes that your figuring that you were born only as a replacement for your dead sister is not an example of the way you hope to resolve issues in your life by learning about the past. It does not show talent for separating fact from speculation. You can jump to such conclusions more easily without having any of the information you seek.

All the same, she sympathizes with your curiosity about your family and appreciates your hesitating to hurt their feelings to satisfy it. You might begin your inquiry by research that does not involve them. Birth and death are matters of public record, so you will be able to discover at least the basic facts. There may also have been some journalistic attention on the death, as it presumably occurred when juvenile death was less common that it is now.

Knowing the background will enable you to make a gentler approach, asking your mother what your sister was like, rather than demanding to know what happened to her. Your mother and siblings may still be unwilling to talk, however. In this blabby age, where any reticence is considered unhealthy if not sinful, it may be hard for you to imagine how strong a wall of silence may be. If you want to spare their feelings, you will back away if you encounter it and seek out other relatives or friends who may be able to enlighten you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a teacher, I frequently receive gifts from students during the holidays and at the end of the school year. I gladly write thank you notes to the student. They are always happy to receive them and appreciate having their gifts acknowledged.

This year, I received a few thank-you cards from students, thanking me for helping them out during the school year and for being their teacher. The cards have meant as much to me as the gifts, but I don't know the proper way to acknowledge them. Do I write a thank-you note for a thank-you card?

GENTLE READER: Strictly speaking, a letter of thanks does not require a reciprocal letter of thanks. As you no doubt realize, that would start an endless chain. But just as you enjoy those letters, and the children enjoy your letters of thanks for their presents, children who have taken the trouble to write to you would also enjoy a word of appreciation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a museum, I caught sight of a man who had obviously been severely burned. As he passed by a group of school children, the children pointed and shouted. Immediately, their teacher came over and lectured them on their behavior.

As a mother-to-be, I hope that my child would be better behaved than the ones at the museum. How does one instruct children on how to behave around people with disabilities? How should one behave if one's child behaves inappropriately in such a situation?

I understand that it is natural for children to be curious about (and afraid of) people who look "different," but we all know that learning to control our emotions is a part of growing up.

GENTLE READER: Everybody looks "different," one way or another. That's how we tell them apart.

The best way to teach children to avoid spending their lives offending and/or boring people by pointing out to them that they are tall or use a wheelchair or have red hair or stutter is to enlarge their experience of the world. But you are quite right that you should not let them out without first having made an absolute rule against commenting on other people's appearances, favorably or unfavorably, except to compliment people they know extremely well.

As for on-the-spot corrections, Miss Manners hopes that the teacher's lecture consisted only of scolding the children for being rude, and that she saved the part about "How do you think this makes him feel?" for later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have received a wedding invitation and do not know how to respond. It is from a man who, along with his former wife, has been our close friend for 15 years. He recently divorced his wife and left his family for another woman.

Do we attend the wedding to show support for his two teen-aged children, who live with their mother? If so, what do we say in the receiving line? We can't say out loud what we feel inside. Saying to the new bride "We don't know how you can sleep at night, you home-wrecker," or saying to the groom, "I hope your new wife breaks your heart like you broke Sue's heart," would be unacceptable.

Do we decline the invitation? If so, how do we word our "regret," and is a gift or card in order? We don't even know what kind of card would be appropriate under these circumstances. Please help us with this predicament. We have never been in a situation like this, and hope never to be again.

GENTLE READER: Of course you must decline an invitation to attend a wedding where you wish both people ill. What are you, the bad fairy?

Fortunately for you, the proper way to decline a wedding invitation is a set piece that leaves no room for the guests' opinion of the couple: "Mr. and Mrs. Penrod Pebble regret that they are unable to accept the kind invitation of Ms. Homewrecker and Mr. Cad for Saturday, the ninth of June."

If they included one of those horrid response cards, Miss Manners gives you permission merely to check the negative choice without comment. You may also take advantage of the fact that presents are optional when one does not attend a wedding.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you say something about people who wear backpacks in crowded places, such as elevators, public transit and cafeteria lines? These people don't seem to realize that their appendage makes them cut a wide swath whenever they turn around, and I am forever getting hit by their baggage. I believe the proper thing is for these wearers to put their packs in front of themselves when they are in a crowded area. Mail carriers do it, although they are mainly interested in protecting their letters.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners trusts that you are not implying that mail carriers ought to be better motivated. Surely protecting the mail is their sacred trust, and it is not their fault that most of it consists of duplicate catalogues.

Backpackers may be perfectly well motivated, and yet go around smashing people. This is why etiquette, unlike the more forgiving social sciences, is interested in action as well as motivation. Goodhearted people who hit others with their backpacks are rude.

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