DEAR MISS MANNERS: Through a series of lucky coincidences, my son was given a very small role in a major theatrical production a few months ago. It was an interesting and exciting experience for our whole family, but I have to admit I was kind of relieved when it was over and things got back to normal.

A friend asked me to lunch last week and requested that I bring my backstage snapshots. She had brought along someone whom she introduced as her son's girlfriend's mother, and passed her my snapshots with comments like, "See, I told you he was a cutie."

I was embarrassed, since I didn't think this lady should have to act interested in a stranger's family's snapshots, but she was studying them carefully, and finally she said to me, "Well, I'd like you to bring your son to my office, and then we can talk further."

I was completely confused, but then my friend explained that she is a children's theatrical agent, and she had been telling her all about my son and "just knew she'd want to represent him once she got a look at him."

I absolutely do not want my kid to have an agent. My friend has been saying since my son was a baby that I should "put him in commercials," and I have always made it very clear that I am not interested.

Back to the restaurant: Here are my friend and her friend looking at me expectantly, then incredulously, as I repeatedly said thanks, but no thanks. The agent was getting angry, because apparently my friend told her I was very interested in having her meet my son, and said for the hundredth time that she hears from dozens of people every day "who would kill for this chance."

I snapped back, "Well, call one of them instead." I know this was rude, but I was really upset at being put in this uncomfortable position. Lunch ended soon after.

I have sent a letter apologizing to the agent who, after all, was brought there on false pretenses and was just doing her job, but my friend says I also owe her an apology for embarrassing her and not having what she calls "the decency to appreciate a wonderful opportunity."

I realize she thinks she was doing me a big favor, but since I've told her before that I wasn't interested, I think she was the rude one. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Your friend suffers from the common illusion that show business is the goal of every sane American, and that having a child in it is the equivalent of a medieval family's having a saint in its midst. That is, it may be a difficult life, but the honor of it makes it worth bearing anything.

When you denied this, your friend thought you were delusional and decided to help you anyway. Now she thinks you are being coy, probably in the hope of cutting a better deal. This is why she felt she could break into your private business, ignore your explicit wishes, set you up in an ambush and still maintain that it is you who is being rude.

Miss Manners is explaining this only to warn you that you have so little hope of making your friend understand you that it hardly seems worth trying. You might be better off murmuring that you know she meant well and you would like the subject dropped than trying to shake her belief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our granddaughter is graduating from college, plus she got engaged. She wants a graduation and engagement party on the same day to celebrate both. Is this having good manners?

GENTLE READER: You are not inquiring whether good manners demand that one give oneself two parties, rather than one, are you? Miss Manners believes you have three things to celebrate with your granddaughter, the third being her restraint.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a question about protocol, as my husband's family is rather well connected and I know a large number of people of relatively high stature in my community. If I am talking with a friend at a cocktail reception and am approached, mid-sentence, by, say, the mayor, do I turn abruptly away from my friend to greet him? Conversely, if I am speaking with the mayor and my friend interrupts, how do I react?

GENTLE READER: "Oops, there's the mayor, wait, I have to ask him when they're going to pick up the trash in my alley."

Mayors love this opening, Miss Manners assures you, and friends don't mind being interrupted by it because it gives them the chance to tell the mayor about the trash in their allies.

Otherwise, when anyone approaches while one is chatting at a party to someone else, the rule is to smile at the newcomer, finish what one was saying and then introduce everyone and include him in the conversation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle lunch or dinner guests, or anyone who comes into one's home, who ask for a "tour" of the house? This has happened almost every time we have had someone over, whether they were already friends, casual acquaintances or people we were just trying to get to know better in hope of becoming friends.

When I grew up, one did not go into any room that one was not invited into by the host or hostess. (The only exception was to politely and discreetly inquire where the powder room was.) To ask to be given a tour was considered rude and in bad taste.

My husband, however, grew up with this being a perfectly acceptable practice. Not only was it expected for guests to be given a tour, it was also acceptable for one to ask for a tour if it was not offered.

I have tried to be accommodating; but what, if any, are the rules here? I have always considered a home to be a private residence and not an historic house museum. For me, it is a place where entertaining and/or visiting is only conducted in the living or family room, breakfast or dining room. It is not that I am embarrassed of our home, or keep an unkempt one; I am just a private person.

Once, at the end of an evening where we entertained approximately 25 guests, we were asked by the six remaining guests to be shown the rest of the house. We obliged (I reluctantly), and everyone headed upstairs. While I stood in our bedroom talking with one female guest, my husband took the other five down the hall. After all of them had gone home, I went back through the upstairs rooms to turn off the lights. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that closet doors had been opened and left so.

There have been instances where we have had guests over who have, thankfully, not asked for a "tour," but who have rather decided to wander all through the downstairs on their own looking at every piece of furniture, book, painting, photo and piece of porcelain. Once, I even had my pantry examined. Those with children have also allowed their children to wander all over the house, despite my polite request to the children to stay downstairs with everyone else.

While I would expect to show more of our home to especially close friends, I have been rather surprised that this expectation has extended to anyone who comes through our door. I realize that our homes reflect our personal decorating tastes and how we choose to organize our lives (or not), but are we obligated to show any, and everyone who enters our home every corner and cubbyhole? I do not want to stop having guests over, but I am weary of this invasive ritual.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners shares your distaste, but not your shock. Whatever argument about the host's pride or the guests' curiosity that can be made for inviting or permitting guests to inspect your property can be applied equally well to your closets. Or your tax returns.

However much they notice and judge your possessions, your guests are supposed to be pretending that these are merely a charming background to your even more charming company. And however much pride you take in your possessions, you are supposed to assume these will be enjoyed as an incidental. House touring should be limited to showing people around a newly acquired house, one of special historic significance, or to illustrate a particular point under discussion.

Now all you have to do is to convince your husband of this. It is his house, too, and you would need his support in replying to tour requests, "Oh, some other time, perhaps," or "No, let's stay here and talk." As for snoops, the best you can do is to fetch them, saying, "Let's go back into the living room and talk" and resolve not to let them get back onto your guest list.

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