DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a friend's son got married last year, several of the guests who RSVP'd that they would attend did not show up and provided no explanation. A few weeks later, one of the no-shows sent an e-mail to my friend soliciting a donation to his church.

My friend responded by sending "No Show" a nasty, sarcastic e-mail saying that he did not appreciate receiving a solicitation from him, particularly when he ended up forking over $150 per person for the cost of the reception. "No Show" replied with an even more sarcastic message, then followed up with a check in the mail for $300 to cover the cost of the reception.

I told my friend he should send the check back and let it go. Instead, he endorsed the check over to his son and told his son it was a wedding gift from one of his friends.

The son, of course, writes a thank-you note for the generous gift. Before the incident, friend and "No Show" were good business acquaintances. I told my friend keeping the check was tacky, and that, while it was unfortunate they did not show up, to learn from the experience and get over it. I went on to say that even though my friend was upset with "No Show," he should never have responded to the e-mail message in such a manner.

My friend thinks what he did is acceptable etiquette. To me, two wrongs don't make a right. My friend usually respects my opinion, but for some reason he's got a bee in his bonnet over this.

GENTLE READER: Of course he's got a bee in his bonnet: He's been stung. But that doesn't make it proper for him to go around stinging others.

Oh-oh, metaphor trouble. Miss Manners just realized that if your friend is the one wearing the bonnet, he can't sting anyone, because he's not the bee. If anyone here is, it's his no-show guest, although as the bee is still buzzing around in the bonnet, perhaps the sting has not yet been delivered.

But it has. Several stings were delivered. There was the sting from the guest who ignored the wedding, which was incredibly rude; the sting from the host who snapped rudely back; and the sting unknowingly endured by his poor son, who was led to treat the profits of blackmail as generosity.

Miss Manners also got a nasty sting, from which she is still smarting. It was your friend's claim that unspeakable behavior is "acceptable etiquette" as long as it is done to get even.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We noticed that when men wear an open-collared shirt as "business casual," it exposes the collar of the undershirt. We feel it is sloppy, and there are V-neck undershirts available for a neat look. For a man, exposing the undershirt is comparable to a woman exposing her bra straps while in "business casual" dress.

GENTLE READER: As opposed to exposing her bra straps in social dress? Or as opposed to just going out on the town in her slip?

It is not to disagree with you that Miss Manners mentions such things, but only to expose the extent of the problem. A society where formal dress for ladies consists of what they used to wear before they got dressed is going to have a hard time explaining to gentlemen why they should be embarrassed to have their undershirt collars out. Yet they should be.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the years when my husband served in the U.S. Diplomatic Service and we traveled around the world, I saw beautiful displays of fruit at buffets or teas -- including bunches of grapes with the attending silver grape scissors.

We recently retired to a lovely community in the heart of the Sonoma Valley, or as Jack London named it, the Valley of the Moon. So naturally, I thought that since we are living here in the middle of all the vineyards and with all the wonderful table grapes available on the market, it was time to purchase a nice pair of silver grape scissors.

The reaction I have received from every shop I have approached is a puzzled, "Grape scissors?" Even the gift shops in local wineries have never heard of the concept.

Has this very useful tool gone the way of the many other pieces of silver flatware that are no longer used or available?

If I were to make a wild guess, I would say that today people think it is perfectly OK to just use your fingers to rip off the grapes or stand over them picking them off one by one and leaving the little stems sticking up in the air like so many bony little fingers.

GENTLE READER: Eeeeew. Miss Manners always wondered how people managed without grape scissors. She thought they had to sit around with woeful expressions until somebody took pity on them and threw them a grape. Perhaps they had servants who arranged grapes prettily on a platter after they had finished peeling them, and tried to pass it around without letting the grapes roll away.

But now that you mention it, she can understand that in grape-picking country, this might strike folks as slightly effete.

She hopes that does not discourage you from your quest. A pretty pair of grape scissors with a fox motif allows those of us who believe them essential to use them, and those who don't to ignore them and harvest by hand.

Nor should you be discouraged about finding them. Grape scissors are nowhere near as scarce as, for example, terrapin forks or chocolate muddlers, and no respectable dealer in antique silver will be fazed by your request.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a lot of support and help from friends and co-workers when, as a young adult, I recently moved out on my own. Several gave me household items, dishes and such.

I would like to include small gift certificates in with my thank-yous, but I don't know if I should give everyone equal value gift certificates, or if they should be proportionate to the value of the item they gave me. For example, do I give the person who gave me a couch the same thank-you as someone who gave me a teapot?

GENTLE READER: While commending your eagerness to reciprocate, Miss Manners has to draw your attention to what you are actually proposing to do. You are calculating each favor to pay off your debt at the proper rate, using the barely laundered cash value of the certificates.

Thus you have confused paying back a favor with paying for a favor. Social favors can only be repaid with social favors. By treating kindness like commerce, you are in danger of slighting the very people you want to thank. It is as if you wished to discharge your debt and be rid of them.

You do owe these people something in addition to letters of thanks, but it is future goodwill to be drawn upon should they seem in need of a favor. You might start by inviting them over to see how happily you have used their contributions. But to make a payback with something that can be used for money would be insulting.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a job in a scientific organization at a fairly high level. Most people who have attained this level are Ph.Ds. I am not, but I frequently find myself being introduced as "Dr."

What is the most gracious way of correcting people? In some situations, such as a speaker or at international forums, it may be impossible, but in others it might be appropriate. In correspondence, this is easier to right.

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, you can't go around saying, "I don't have a Ph.D." Miss Manners cannot explain why it seems as boastful to brag about not having a degree as it is to brag about having one, but such is the case.

As you note, you cannot go around correcting people, but in correspondence you can use the title "Mrs." as you did in the return address, or in parentheses beneath your signature. Beyond that, you can only say quietly to those likely to repeat the mistake, "Oh, by the way, it's 'Mrs. Worthington,' not 'Dr. Worthington.'"

That this may lead some to believe that you not only have a Ph.D. but are modest and confident enough to refrain from using the title is neither your problem nor Miss Manners' fault.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I had his widowed mother and younger (adult) brother as our guests at our vacation home last summer. We were happy to assume the financial burden such an expensive trip would have put on them, as we are in a better situation than they and thought they would appreciate seeing the area and spending time with us.

We were therefore rather dismayed when, upon arrival, my brother-in-law demanded that we pay the additional cost to add his name to the rental car agreement so he wouldn't be "stuck" with us the whole time. My husband explained that we could not afford it, and his brother let the issue drop, rather than volunteering to pay it himself.

Several times during their stay, I asked their mother to perform some minuscule function to assist me in my chores, and I was met each time with the response, "I'm not doing anything -- I'm on vacation!" And she didn't.

On another occasion, after I had listened politely to my brother-in-law recounting a story which was of absolutely no interest to me whatsoever, I requested his attention for what would have been perhaps 10 seconds, to look at some information on my computer screen. He immediately shot back with, "I'm not interested," and ignored me. I was hurt, but said nothing about his behavior at the time, in the interest of harmony.

My husband, who had observed his brother's behavior, explained to him that he had just been very rude to me, but failed to elicit an apology. His brother later wandered away at a crowded public event and was missing for over an hour. Upon my husband's finding him and escorting him back, no explanation or apology was offered, and I chose not to make a scene. I informed my husband privately before they left that, because of their inconsiderate behavior, they were never being invited back, and he agreed.

Now, we understand that they have both fallen in love with our summer home and are intending to return next summer. How do you suggest that we handle this?

GENTLE READER: How about lending it to them for a weekend? No, bad idea. Miss Manners supposes they would submit an expense account for food and incidentals.

It is not as easy to avoid inviting relatives as others, because relatives speak up more readily, and because they have ways of finding out what you are doing. So here is what you are doing:

Next summer, you may be having some guests, but only those who help out; you are also planning to have a real vacation yourself, free of the need to wait on guests. Since having guests and not having guests are the only possibilities, that should cover whatever you want to do.

Should the reply be that they will help, you should demur by saying, "Oh, no, I'm sure you don't want to run the household while I get rested." Perhaps skipping a summer will put them in a better frame of mind.

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