DEAR MISS MANNERS: Participation in a dating service has yielded me a dozen first dates in the past few months, and they have been wonderful fun. However, at the conclusion of the dates, the men typically want to hug.

While I believe their intent is innocent, I find the expectation of a hug from someone I have known for just a few hours to be both presumptuous and inappropriate, and I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with the situation.

When I try to pre-empt their gesture by extending my hand for a handshake, these men either overlook it, discount it, or just open their arms and lean in, regardless of my reluctance.

What can I do to graciously decline these advances for a hug (and in some cases, a kiss, too) while letting the man know I've enjoyed his company and leaving the door open for a second date?

GENTLE READER: Many people now confuse a hug with a handshake. Almost as many as those who confuse a date with an assignation.

Miss Manners doesn't know which sort of confusion afflicts your new friends. Perhaps both. The two are not as mutually exclusive as logic might suggest.

But as you like these gentlemen anyway, she will not consider a solution that would permanently disabuse them of the desire to hug you. Reaching back to times that moved more slowly, she suggests that you jump back and say provocatively, "Oh dear, I never hug on the first date."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for two years, and we generally cook for each other when at each other's homes. I also take her out once in a while, and when we do a project at the other's home, the visiting person gets taken to dinner or made dinner for his or her efforts.

At my house (and I've told her this) I have the position that whatever is in the fridge is open for her to indulge herself. Basically, whatever is mine is hers, and I've told her there's no reason to even ask, just to take what she wants.

In recent months, my girlfriend will call me out or make dinner and then accuse me of "sponging." On occasion, I've helped myself to juice, and I'll get a comment like, "Just drink water." Am I overstepping my boundaries?

She's intimated that she expects the man to pay for all outings. Is that fair? And with my being hospitable to her in my home? I just did my taxes (I keep all receipts), and I spent over $4,000 just on entertainment, not to mention presents on Valentine's Day, birthdays, Christmas, etc.

I think it's just rude to ask someone out and then criticize them because they accept, or to tell me to drink water after I've extended the use of the beverages and food at my home.

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is sorry to tell you that it won't help you in the least to have her side with you. The lady in question is deeply miffed at you, and water and juice have nothing to do with it.

Whether or not the situation is terminal, Miss Manners cannot say. It is possible that the lady is irritated because she wants a bond that is not merely that of two friends trying to be fair -- marriage being what comes to mind. It is also possible that what irritates her is the sight of you, and that what she wants is to put you out of her life as well as her refrigerator.

In neither case would it help to bring out all the receipts to show her how much you spent on her. This is one of those rare situations in which Miss Manners recommends what everyone else recommends for all situations, including those best left alone: Sit down with the lady and ask her gently what is really bothering her.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle uninvited guests who refuse to give you any advance warning? A family I know have, on more than one occasion, just dropped by unannounced and, as they have subsequently informed me, they are shocked to find that I am not at home. This family never suggests making an appointment so that I will definitely be at home when they arrive. Should I feel pressured to make an appointment with them at my home? How should this situation be handled?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes this family is not your family, because they seem a bit slow. Why should they be shocked to find that people are not always at home? Even they are not at home; they're out dropping in on you.

Perhaps if you continue to be not at home when they call, they will get the idea and call ahead. Miss Manners recommends window shades or, if you happen to get caught opening the door in the hope that it was the mail delivery, an apologetic, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we can't see you now, please do call to arrange a good time" followed by a wave as you shut the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please give an opinion to help settle a problem before somebody gets diced with my electric carving knife?

I say that when you sit down to eat, you should eat without getting up and deciding that you have to have some added condiment or item. I set the table thoroughly and prepare good and varied meals three times a day. But it seems that there is always something missing and that somebody has to get up and go to the refrigerator.

I tell them that if they were in a restaurant they would not go into the kitchen and retrieve something and their reply is that they are at home and want to feel comfortable.

Getting up reminds me of teen-aged boys who push their chairs back from the table and have to go get a coke or pickles or something like that. I have suggested eating in front of the refrigerator with the doors open so that one could reach right in, but the layout of our kitchen won't permit this.

When we are invited to somebody's house for a meal, I am satisfied with what is on the table. I wouldn't think of asking for something or going to help myself to something additional. I was told that "everybody does it," but I don't believe it.

I realize that we are in the age of Slobus Americanus Rex, but surely there must be some set of manners or standards. We are all waiting for a reply and you better hurry -- otherwise I might be writing to you from behind bars the next time one of my family members decides they have to get up and get some sliced cheese to put on my homemade chili.

GENTLE READER: There, there. You're a little overworked, aren't you? And perhaps a little hurt that those for whom you cook want to make adjustments to the food?

Miss Manners begs you to put down the carving knife, and be reasonable. It is true that people would not pop up from the table when eating out, but also that in a restaurant they would have ordered what they wanted and asked a waiter to fetch anything that was missing, while in somebody's house, they would have had to accept what they might not like.

Things should be different at home, but not because they needn't have manners. It would be the greater part of politeness for these people to set the table with whatever they might require, thus relieving you from some of the work, as well as from their absences.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When accepting an appointment as the chairman of the nominating committee, should the chairman of this group nominate herself to the office of president? Should not the person refuse to serve on the nominating committee if anxious to become the president?

Of course, nominations may be made from the floor, but in small social organizations, it is difficult. Members are often afraid it will cause rifts in the organization if nominations are not accepted from the nominating committee. I am amazed to find more nominating committees nominating themselves for leadership rolls. This situation has become rather ridiculous.

GENTLE READER: Wonder where they got the idea?

But Miss Manners cannot attribute it to any one public example. It's all part of the general feeling that there is something refreshing about blatant self-interest. What a curious idea that is, considering that condoning it requires society to go against its own self-interest.

Admiration for this selfish aggression seems to be based on the erroneous idea that the only alternative to it is self-abnegation. Yet for those who consider co-operation out of the question, and taking one's chances on achieving recognition to be positively laughable, the alternative to blatant self-interest is subtle self-interest.

In this case, subtle self-interest would consist of saying, "Oh, I'm afraid I can't serve on the nominating committee because I understand I might be drafted to be president myself." In one sentence, this establishes the speaker as ethical, judicious, modest and already the leading candidate for the office.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, I have kept in communication with my granddaughter, who lives about 1,000 miles from me, primarily on her birthday and at Christmas, and she has done the same with me. Two years ago, she visited me and I met her young man for the first time, and we got along fine.

I was, of course, invited to their wedding, and intended to go, but had to cancel shortly before because of health problems. A few weeks before, I mailed them wedding presents, which included a crystal set, and to each of them a check for $500. At about the same time, I sent the prospective groom four or five dozen golf balls and several golf gadgets that I no longer had use for.

Shortly after the wedding, I received a thank-you card from my granddaughter, but not a word from her husband. I admit to being old-fashioned and confused by the values that are important to people in their age group. Am I correct in feeling hurt by not receiving a personal note of thanks from my grandson-in-law, or have what I consider common courtesies changed that much?

GENTLE READER: They are not being eliminated, but they are changing; your granddaughter and her husband are not keeping up. They are going by the old-fashioned custom of the wife's doing all the social correspondence for both, while you are expecting the modern modification of each doing his or her own.

True, your granddaughter forgot to mention the golf equipment when she thanked you for everything else. But Miss Manners would prefer to assume that she forgot about the extra package in her gratitude over your wedding presents, and that when she told her husband she had written you, he presumed that she had fully spoken for him as well. Miss Manners is happy to remove you from the Hurt Grandparent annals, which is overcrowded with people who haven't heard anything.

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