DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one handle uninvited guests who refuse to give you any advance warning? A family I know have, on more than one occasion, just dropped by unannounced and, as they have subsequently informed me, they are shocked to find that I am not at home. This family never suggests making an appointment so that I will definitely be at home when they arrive. Should I feel pressured to make an appointment with them at my home? How should this situation be handled?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes this family is not your family, because they seem a bit slow. Why should they be shocked to find that people are not always at home? Even they are not at home; they're out dropping in on you.
Perhaps if you continue to be not at home when they call, they will get the idea and call ahead. Miss Manners recommends window shades or, if you happen to get caught opening the door in the hope that it was the mail delivery, an apologetic, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we can't see you now, please do call to arrange a good time" followed by a wave as you shut the door.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please give an opinion to help settle a problem before somebody gets diced with my electric carving knife?
I say that when you sit down to eat, you should eat without getting up and deciding that you have to have some added condiment or item. I set the table thoroughly and prepare good and varied meals three times a day. But it seems that there is always something missing and that somebody has to get up and go to the refrigerator.
I tell them that if they were in a restaurant they would not go into the kitchen and retrieve something and their reply is that they are at home and want to feel comfortable.
Getting up reminds me of teen-aged boys who push their chairs back from the table and have to go get a coke or pickles or something like that. I have suggested eating in front of the refrigerator with the doors open so that one could reach right in, but the layout of our kitchen won't permit this.
When we are invited to somebody's house for a meal, I am satisfied with what is on the table. I wouldn't think of asking for something or going to help myself to something additional. I was told that "everybody does it," but I don't believe it.
I realize that we are in the age of Slobus Americanus Rex, but surely there must be some set of manners or standards. We are all waiting for a reply and you better hurry -- otherwise I might be writing to you from behind bars the next time one of my family members decides they have to get up and get some sliced cheese to put on my homemade chili.
GENTLE READER: There, there. You're a little overworked, aren't you? And perhaps a little hurt that those for whom you cook want to make adjustments to the food?
Miss Manners begs you to put down the carving knife, and be reasonable. It is true that people would not pop up from the table when eating out, but also that in a restaurant they would have ordered what they wanted and asked a waiter to fetch anything that was missing, while in somebody's house, they would have had to accept what they might not like.
Things should be different at home, but not because they needn't have manners. It would be the greater part of politeness for these people to set the table with whatever they might require, thus relieving you from some of the work, as well as from their absences.
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