DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I attended a birthday party for an acquaintance I have known for several years, as we belong to the same organization. Although we are on friendly terms, we are not close friends. Some of the other members are close, and they keep together in their own little circle.

When the hostess called to invite me to the party, to be held four days later at her home, she said that the birthday celebrant had originally not wanted any celebration but in the end agreed to a party in which the guests would pay for themselves. There was also an extra amount to be collected for the birthday gift. I accepted the invitation, glad to be included.

Later, at the party, I realized I had been on the bottom of the totem pole. That is to say, the hostess could only have a certain number of people in her home and those who could not attend were replaced by others. I honestly think the hostess could have informed me that I was replacing someone else when she called to invite me.

The day of the party, I was invited to a very nice event by someone who had acquired tickets the evening before. I felt committed to attend the birthday party as well as being financially committed. Am I being oversensitive in feeling slighted?

GENTLE READER: Not slighted -- miffed. You are miffed because you got a better offer after you had made a commitment that you were glad to get and obliged to keep.

Miss Manners doesn't blame you -- and she is grateful that you did the right thing -- but neither should you blame your hostess, whose only crime was to issue you an invitation. It is sort of like blaming your spouse because you have fallen in love with someone else, which, come to think of it, people do all the time. But then, people do a lot of things of which Miss Manners does not approve -- all the time.

It is especially far-fetched to blame the hostess for not telling you that you were on the B list. Having a B list is not a crime, but letting someone know that he is on it, is. Since you point out that you had not been close to the guest of honor or his circle, it is not surprising that the hostess did not think of you first, but if you want someone to blame, Miss Manners recommends the person who blabbed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My real estate agent sent me a thank-you note that referred to a point of negotiation she had not been able to resolve in our favor, saying, "Use the enclosed to help take care of that brush pile."

Bless her, it was sweet, but there is only one problem: no enclosure.

Now how do I write the return thank you? I was taught by my dear mama to be both specific and prompt in expressing my appreciation, but I don't even know what "the enclosed" was.

GENTLE READER: Your dear mama was right. To be specific in this case (you will have to supply the promptness), Miss Manners suggests, "How very sweet of you to want to make it up to us about the brush pile. It really isn't necessary, but we appreciate it. Of course we are burning with curiosity to know what it is you meant to enclose."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: About a year ago, a new neighbor came fuming to my door with an anonymous note telling her to mow her lawn. I didn't write the note but told her I agreed that her yard was neglected. (I tell the truth.) It took me a while to calm her down, then she apologized. We're fine now.

Now I received an anonymous note complaining that my dog barks. I have a home office and am home most of the time. I have a huge yard and two wonderful mid-sized dogs, Bonnie and Clyde. Clyde barks when strangers try to come into the back yard, very rarely at other times. I guess I never discouraged him as an alarm system for me.

Last week, between the telephone repairman and cable installation, Clyde was noisier than usual. We also have a neighborhood thief now and I really don't want to change Clyde's training. (The crime victim even asked to borrow Clyde, but he's never been away from Bonnie.) I really need Clyde. I wish I could explain this to Ms. or Mr. Anonymous, but how?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners hopes that the announcement that you tell the truth -- which is uncalled for, as no one has challenged you -- is not a way of saying that you disdain tact. Because even Bonnie and Clyde won't be able to protect you if you rile up an already-edgy neighborhood.

Are you willing to apologize, as well as to explain? After all, you did annoy someone, even if the noise is justifiable and the complainer rude. (Anonymous letters are rude by definition, unless they are post-marked within the next three weeks and bear the message "I love you.")

Then you can say just what you told Miss Manners. Address the letter to everyone within hearing distance, and begin, "I wish I knew which of you sent me the anonymous letter about my dog, because I would like to apologize and explain." After all, the cable installation is finished, and the theft problem is one all the neighbors share. And if you succeed in calming down this person, you may also solve the neighborhood poison letter problem.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I left my place of employment where I had worked as a bartender for four and a half years, one of my customers graciously offered to throw me a "going away party." Although I really didn't want to make a big fuss, I finally agreed because I figured it would be fun. It was a very nice party, with coworkers and a limited group of customers and a good time was had by all.

I was gone for six weeks, working another job, but it wasn't working out, so I returned to my former place of employment. Now the customer who threw me the party keeps saying I owe him, or that I should pay him back for the party because I have returned to work.

At first I thought he was joking, but he keeps complaining to other customers about it, stating that I should pay him back. I am getting really frustrated over the whole situation; I've been back at work for a month now, and he's still talking about it.

What should I do? Do I need to reimburse him for the money he spent on my party (this guy is not hurting financially) or should I just ignore him and hope he will stop whining?

GENTLE READER: Granted that the insinuation that you made a professional misstep to swindle your customer out of a party is ungracious even by bar-fly standards, one does not hold one's customers as accountable as one's friends. You didn't choose him as a friend and you even resisted his now-defunct hospitality.

You can, therefore, afford to placate him, which Miss Manners imagines requires more deference than money. A round of drinks on the house (presuming you have that leeway, or that you will compensate your employer) should do it if you accompany this by the public announcement that he's great and you want to honor him.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am trying to do what used to be called "snubbing," but the snubee is making it very difficult.

A woman who is a member of a well-known family in my city was arrested several years ago for, among other things, improper sexual activity with a minor. There were allegedly drugs involved and there were also accusations that her illegal activities may have taken place in the presence of her young children. All of this was covered in detail by the local papers, as was her eventual guilty pleads to lesser charges, which reduced her sentence to time served.

Here's where I come in to this mess:

This woman's young son is in my son's kindergarten class, and the boys have become good friends. Stevie has been over to play at our house and is always welcome. He is a sweet child and as his parents are separated in the wake of his mother's legal problems; he seems to have a chaotic home life and appears to enjoy the relative normalcy of our home. (He and his sister live with their mom.)

Stevie's mother has apparently decided that she and I should also be friends. She wants to sit with me at parents' events at the school, invites me to have lunch with her, calls to chat, etc. I have managed to be "busy" when she proposes one-on-one activities, and to "lose" her as quickly as possible in large groups, but she is very persistent.

Worst of all, she invites my son over to her house to play. In a normal situation, this would be expected, but I will absolutely not leave my child alone with this woman.

When I decline these invitations, she always asks why, and my responses have evolved from vague to fairly pointed. "I'm more comfortable with the boys at my house" is the latest. But still, she refuses to take the hint. Short of "because you're a child molester, that's why," how can I respond politely but unequivocally?

I do feel sorry for her and the mess she has made of her life, and I don't want to hurt her son, but I cannot be her friend or allow my son to play at her house. Any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Keep stopping short of "because you're a child molester, that's why." You do not want to enter into a discussion with her, or with anyone else, about letting bygones be bygones after someone has paid her debt to society, as they say. You do not even want to argue the merits of the case and whether the charges of which she was legally proven guilty are enough to make her socially undesirable.

Miss Manners is sorry to be harsh when the society has become so generous about granting fresh starts. But if we do not judge people on their own deeds, upon what do we judge them?

And even among those of spotless reputation, you are free to choose your friends. People who fail to understand polite individual rebuffs about being busy should be given general ones: "You're kind to keep asking me, but I really hardly have time for my old friends," and "I appreciate your inviting my son, but I hope you will let Stevie continue to visit us instead, because I insist that they play here."

: