DEAR ABBY: Whenever my husband, kids and I go away, my mother-in-law insists on staying at our house. She then rearranges the rooms in my house, moving things to where she thinks they should be. She also manages to leave behind her toiletries in the bathroom.

More than once she has thrown a party for her friends during our absence. It drives me crazy. Going on vacation stresses me out because I have no idea what I'm going to come home to. When my husband tells her I don't like when she rearranges things, she gets defensive and cries about how she "can't understand why I hate her." I don't hate her; I just wish she would respect my boundaries in my house. Advice? -- INVADED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR INVADED: I'm glad to provide some. The next time your MIL insists on housesitting while you are on holiday, say you have made other arrangements and do not waver. (If necessary, change the locks.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband had a stroke five years ago. I've been taking care of him ever since. I recently found out that he cheated on me. I want to get him into a VA home. What form would I need? I'm hoping to avoid a messy divorce. I'm fine if we stay married but no longer live together. He accuses me of "not doing anything." Our house is paid for and we have no debts. Our daughters are grown and live elsewhere. Should I contact an attorney? -- WANTS OUT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WANTS OUT: By all means, contact an attorney. You have a responsibility for your husband's welfare. Abandoning him to a VA home may not be the best solution for him, even though it may seem like a convenient one for you. Do nothing in anger. Before making any plans, you might want to discuss this with your daughters, who may be able to suggest alternative solutions to the one you are considering, such as hiring a part-time caregiver for your husband.

DEAR ABBY: Long ago, my parents purchased a large burial plot for our entire family, including spouses if we have them. My spouse isn't eligible because he doesn't fit the cemetery's religious requirement. My parents and I also don't see eye to eye on politics.

Our relationship has greatly diminished over the last few years -- so much so that I no longer want to spend eternity next to them when my time comes. Part of me says let it be, but they seem to relish the idea that we will "all be together," when in reality, I do not. I'd like to be cremated, which also goes against religious beliefs. Thoughts? -- BAD SON IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SON: I think it's your body, your choice. Because most parents die before their children, the odds of your folks being buried before you are great. In the meantime, since their fantasy of one big happy family plot is something they relish, be kind and don't ruin it for them.

DEAR ABBY: After my mother died several years ago, my father's sometimes violent behavior flared up. A few years ago, I decided to stop spending time with him. My sister, who has received -- and may continue to receive -- significant financial support from Dad, is scolding me for it. I have asked her to respect my choice and to stop criticizing, but she continues to contact me, asks to see me, accuses me of "punishing" her and my father over "nothing," and makes vague apologies for him without referencing specific behavior.

My dilemma is whether I should continue trying to get through to her. I'd like to see her children, but I'm unsure whether she will respect my boundaries if I see her in person. Her continued haranguing is stressful. I'm tired of being labeled a punishing, overly sensitive shrew for attempting to set boundaries with my father. However, I'm loath to cut off all contact with her, given that I'm not seeing my dad. Is there a middle ground? Or am I wasting my time by trying to get through to someone who doesn't want to hear me? -- FAMILY TROUBLE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FAMILY TROUBLE: Tell your sister you love her and would very much enjoy seeing her and her children with one proviso: You do not wish to discuss your fractured relationship with your father. Ask if she can respect your wishes, and make clear that if it would be too difficult for her, you will understand and not visit. You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and you should not allow yourself to be forced into contact with an abuser.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has just informed me that she expects me to send her and her new husband anniversary cards every year, and her husband Father's Day cards. I was 51 when Mama remarried, three years after my father's passing. I send her husband a birthday card and text him on Father's Day, but I feel disingenuous sending them/him anniversary or Father's Day cards. Her husband is not my father. He has his own adult children.

Incidentally, Mama and her husband do not send me Mother's Day cards. I do not want her husband to think I consider him my father. I would feel disloyal to my father if I were to do what she's demanding. Is my mother's expectation reasonable? Should I send cards just because she wants me to? -- GRACIOUS ENOUGH

DEAR GRACIOUS: Send your mother and her new husband an anniversary card, as you would any friend or relative you wish to congratulate. That she would expect you to treat her new husband, a "new addition" to your family, as a father figure is ridiculous. Why are you texting him on Father's Day? He never was and never will be your "father," and I don't think you should be arm-twisted into catering to Mama's fantasy.

DEAR ABBY: My 44-year-old son is a long-haul driver. His girlfriend has 14-year-old and 17-year-old daughters, who are both high-functioning autistic. My son thinks they should have chores because they need to learn to live independently. This is the biggest argument they have.

He says that they should be on the internet for only four hours per day, and that once they graduate, they will have to be on their own. They do nothing around the house -- they don't clean their room or pick up after themselves. My son has told his girlfriend that if they don't learn how to do it now, they won't know once they move out.

His girlfriend tells him he is right when he says, "You need to find another place to live." But she goes right back to doing nothing to help her girls learn to become independent. She receives child support for the girls and works part time. She doesn't think she should help pay for things "because he makes good money." But these girls are not his. They agreed when she moved in that she would pay half the expenses. What do you think of this situation? -- DISGUSTED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR DISGUSTED: Your son's girlfriend promised before she moved in that she would pay half the expenses. She has reneged on her promise, and your son has allowed it. This woman is not only irresponsible, she's a terrible parent by fostering her daughters' dependence. When the girls turn 18 nothing will change, and he should expect to support the three of them until he finally has had enough of this arrangement. If you have shared your feelings with him and he has chosen to tolerate the status quo, then quit wasting your breath. It is his life and his choice.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old wife and mother, married for 23 years. I have never been unfaithful. I never even thought of another man until a few months ago. Then, boom! It happened. I have fallen in love with my boss, "Tony." He is four years younger than my husband, and he's married. When I told him how I feel, at first he was shocked and not very interested. Now he's had time to think about it, and he's starting to show some interest.

I am afraid of what may happen if he asks me out. What should I do? Should I go out with him? Is it possible to love one man and also be in love with another? I'm so crazy about Tony that it hurts. I think about him all the time and even dream about him. (I have been known to talk in my sleep.) When I'm making love to my husband, Tony's on my mind. Please tell me what to do. -- MISERABLY IN LOVE IN MISSOURI

DEAR MISERABLY IN LOVE: Gladly! Lady, you are playing with fire. Recognize that if you follow through with starting an affair with your boss, it's likely to end up hurting four people, including you. The odds are that your marriage will be history, and Tony could be in for a very expensive divorce.

Whether you continue for years as Tony's side piece, or he figures out that a dalliance with an employee is too dangerous, the person most likely to lose out, emotionally and financially, is you. If you are unable to regain your emotional balance, quit your job. If you are lucky, Tony may give you a good reference.