DEAR ABBY: My husband of 30 years has always made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. He would flirt with other women and say things to me about an ex-girlfriend he broke up with before marrying his first wife. (I caught him private messaging her.) He has told me four different times that we should separate. The first three times, I cried about it. The last time he said it, I told him never to say that to me again.

I have always tried my best to be a good wife to him. He's verbally abusive most of the time. When I see him coming home from work, my stomach ties in knots because I don't know what kind of mood he's in. He can be good at times, but it's not that often. I'm going to be 50 and I'm not sure if I want to live like this the rest of my life. Help, please. -- UNHAPPY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNHAPPY: It's important you recognize that you are married to an emotional abuser. He maintains his power in your relationship by eroding your sense of self-esteem. Discuss with a licensed mental health professional the treatment you have tolerated for the last 30 years and your desire to rebuild your shattered self-esteem. It may take time to accomplish, but it will be money well spent.

At some point you may ask your husband to join you, but don't expect him to automatically agree. Once you feel better about yourself, you can then make a well-thought-out decision about whether to continue being married to him.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 56-year-old man who has been with a great guy, age 50, for 20 years. We were married two years ago. He's a professor; I'm a clinician. We have spent the last 20 years building a beautiful life advancing our careers, traveling to 80 countries, wining and dining in the best places in the world and cultivating long-lasting friendships with people all over the planet.

Five years ago, I felt a sense of emptiness in spite of our happiness and talked to him about children. He was adamantly opposed. I let it go, but now that emptiness is tearing me up inside. I am at the point of giving up my life with him to have a child on my own via adoption or IVF with a surrogate. His biggest issue is how his comfortable life will be changed forever. My issue is getting those last few drops of unfulfilled happiness before it's too late. Please advise. -- HAPPY BUT INCOMPLETE

DEAR H.B.I.: If your husband is steadfast that he doesn't want his lifestyle to change, he may not be taking into account that with you out of the picture, it will change regardless. And it isn't unheard of that someone who is fearful of the responsibility of raising a child can have a change of heart and fall in love with the little person after meeting him or her. If ever a couple could use marital counseling, it's the two of you to help you determine whether a compromise can be reached.

DEAR ABBY: I became engaged to a wonderful man five months ago. We have set a wedding date for next year. I'm ecstatic -- thrilled to be planning such an important milestone in my life. I'm the youngest of five girls. Four of us are extremely close. Three of my sisters have graciously offered to help with the wedding planning and preparation. I have included them in my bridal party -- matron of honor, two bridesmaids, and two of my teenage nieces as junior bridesmaids.

There's one big issue: My parents and two of my sisters insist that I include my oldest sister, "Iris," in my bridal party even though she has a mental illness (schizophrenia). She is medicated, but still speaks to her "voices." I love her, but I don't find it appropriate to include her in my wedding.

My matron of honor is supportive and agrees it would be unwise. However, my remaining family is guilt-tripping me because Iris missed out on two of my sisters' weddings due to being in a psychiatric facility. She lives with my retired parents now and requires care and supervision. Am I wrong for not wanting to risk including her on my big day? -- FUTURE BRIDE IN KENTUCKY

DEAR FUTURE BRIDE: Weddings are family events that can sometimes strain relationships. As with all conflict, communication and compromise are key. Discuss your concerns with your parents, sisters and fiance and consider their opinions and advice. Get assurances of their help to ease your concerns and raise your comfort level.

More important, respectfully discuss your feelings and concerns with Iris. Instead of being in the bridal party, she might be happy with a less prominent role while still being part of the celebration. You may not realize how hurt she would be if she's excluded from this family milestone.

Thankfully, you are healthy and stepping into a bright future. It would be wonderful if Iris could share in this joyful occasion. However, include her only if your parents and siblings are willing to guarantee that should her presence become a distraction or disruptive, they will quietly and immediately remove her.

DEAR ABBY: While having dinner with a group of friends, the subject came up about giving Christmas gifts to grandchildren, nieces, nephews and godchildren after a certain age. Some said they stop giving at 18 years of age; others said they stop doing it when the recipients start their own families. A few of us still give to "kids" well into their 40s. Is there a certain age to stop, or is it up to the individual? -- GENEROUS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GENEROUS: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question. It depends on the individual, how many relatives there are and whether the gift-giving is creating a financial squeeze.

DEAR ABBY: Although my husband and I are no longer in a romantic relationship, we are what I call "life partners." After cancer left him impotent, he rejected any physical affection at all. I had an extramarital affair which lasted four years. My boyfriend passed away last year. I have no desire to be physically involved with my husband, but I do miss being affectionate and in a romantic (not necessarily sexual) relationship.

I feel empty, and I'm not sure if we should be considering divorce or continue in our day-to-day routine of being socially close but otherwise distant. We no longer share the same bedroom and we touch each other rarely. He has recently become more verbally and emotionally abusive during arguments, which may be the result of his recently reconnecting with his felon brother who had assaulted his wife. I'm not sure what direction to go. -- HOPELESS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HOPELESS: The relationship you have described with your husband is not a "marriage" in the traditional sense. Ask your husband, in as nonconfrontational a way as possible, if he would like to remain married to you or be divorced. Explain clearly to him what your needs are and ask if he is willing or able to fulfill them. I cannot imagine why you would want to stay in a relationship that is becoming increasingly abusive. Consult a divorce lawyer and take your guidance from them about how to protect your interests before speaking to your husband, to ensure he doesn't try to hide his (and your) assets.

DEAR ABBY: I took a job and relocated to another state. My wife chose to stay behind so our kids could finish school in the hometown they grew up in. For the last 20 months, we have gone back and forth from the state I work in to our hometown. I suspect she's unhappy with the idea of relocating, even though it's a place worth investing in and offers a quality of life to our family that doesn't exist in many other places.

Much of my time is spent appeasing her, especially when there is conflict between our teenage kids at home. We have been actively looking at schools in my new city, but there is never any resolution to our relocation issue. Advice? -- LONG-DISTANCE HUSBAND/DAD

DEAR LONG-DISTANCE: I wish you had mentioned whether your wife works outside the home. Does she have a career she doesn't want to leave? If the answer is no, continue looking for schools in the new community. Then contact a real estate agent to help you find a suitable place for your family to live. Once you have narrowed it down to a few, invite your wife to look at them with you and choose what she thinks would be most suitable.

At that point, if she doesn't want to make the move, she should say so, which will free you to decide whether to sacrifice what you envision for your family's future, continue having a long-distance marriage or return to the town you left so you can all be together.