life

Accusations Fly After Friend Develops COVID

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A friend of 35 years recently accused me of exposing her and her mother to COVID. She told me she thinks I did it on purpose because I thought so little of them. This is not true!

I had been home for eight days and saw her on a Friday. The following Wednesday I felt sick, so I got tested. When my test the next Monday came back positive, I told her immediately. Since then she has blocked me and won't talk to me to figure out what happened. I don't even know if they got sick.

We have been good friends and helped each other often. I have done a lot for her, but she still refuses to talk to me. What should I do? -- BLOCKED BY COVID IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BLOCKED: When people are frightened, they sometimes act emotionally instead of rationally. A problem with COVID is that people can be infected, without symptoms, and spread the virus without becoming sick (yet) themselves. This is why mask-wearing and social-distancing are so important. From your description, this may be what happened in your case.

Give your friend time to cool off and continue trying to reach out to her. Then hope that in light of your long friendship, she'll calm down and you can reconnect.

COVID-19Friends & Neighbors
life

Kids See Their Dad Through Rose-Colored Glasses

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I were together 17 years. He was a cheater, a liar, and any other way a horrible husband can be described. I divorced him six years ago.

My problem is a few of our kids think he's a wonderful guy. The older one (25) lived with him until a few months ago. I don't know how to make her understand how horrible he is. I think if she stepped back for a while, she would see it, but she (and several of his other kids) have been completely brainwashed.

She's very quick to ask a question, but when I respond in a way she feels is negative about her dad, she suddenly has to hang up or needs to go do something. I'm lost trying to make her see how their part of the family looks like a cult to everyone else in the family. -- KNOWS THE TRUTH IN OHIO

DEAR KNOWS: Trying to reason with your daughter is a waste of time. Trying to "deprogram" your children from the "cult" of loving their father isn't working, so quit trying. By persisting, you will only drive a wedge between you. As you stated, once they have stepped back, they may begin to see the light without help from you. Let it happen on its own.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

What To Do With Torn Paper Money

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've never seen you answer a question like mine. I have a $20 bill that was torn. At some point, the two halves became separated in my pocket, and I lost one of them. Is there any way I could get value for the half that I still have? -- POOR IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR POOR: I'm sorry, but the answer is probably no. If you had three-quarters of the bill, you could take it to a bank and exchange it for a whole bill. But because you have only half, you are out of luck. Sorry!

Money
life

Long Marriage Becomes Abusive Over Time

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband's dad, "Adam," is very mellow and can talk to anyone. His mom, "Eve," is friendly, but a little more reserved.

Early in their marriage, Adam was a drinker, and my mother-in-law has never forgiven him for the way he treated her during that time. She has always treated him disrespectfully, but as they get older, it's becoming worse.

She has hit Adam when we had people over because he didn't do what she told him to do. I told her to stop, and my husband told her she embarrassed him, but Eve forgets or doesn't care and continues to do it. She talks down to him constantly. If that's how she acts when people are around, I hate to think what happens behind closed doors.

When she hits him, Adam sits there expressionless and doesn't react. He's not the man he once was, and he is adored by many people. What can we do to help my FIL and make her stop doing this in front of her grandkids and company? Eve claims to be a Christian, but isn't acting like one. -- FRUSTRATED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your father-in-law may have had a drinking problem years ago, but he has a different problem now. He is a victim of verbal and physical abuse. He may have tolerated it all these years out of guilt for what he put his wife through when he was drinking. He may also have become so beaten down that he can no longer protect himself.

He does need help. With your and his son's encouragement, he can receive it because there are programs available for male victims of domestic violence. Stop Abuse for Everyone (SAFE) is an organization that helps abused individuals of all ages, genders, races and sexual orientations. The website is stopabuseforeveryone.org.

AgingAddictionAbuseMarriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Widower Has Good Days and Bad as He Grieves His Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I met a nice friend. He's a widower whose wife has been gone for three years. My husband died 10 years ago.

He makes me laugh, something I haven't done in a while. I really like this guy, but he is still grieving. Some days he's good, but others he's a mess.

I want us to be in a relationship, and I think he could be "the one." We've only been courting for a month, but he has been pursuing me for a year. Should I give it more time, or should I move on with my life? I haven't been intimate with him, but he still makes me feel like a woman, which is something I've missed. -- THINKING IT'S HIM IN MARYLAND

DEAR THINKING: As you know, the process of grieving isn't a straight line. When a loved one dies, the survivors have good periods and ones that are less so. You are further along in this grieving process than your friend because his loss is more recent.

If a relationship (or more) is what you want, allow him more time to work through his feelings. However, if the bad spells don't become less frequent, suggest he talk with his doctor about joining a grief support group in which he can safely vent his feelings.

DeathLove & Dating
life

Mother-Daughter Fight Leads to Threats of Leaving Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My best friend (since we were babies) and I are having a disagreement. She had two kids when she was 16 and 17 who are now in their early 20s. One of them still lives rent-free under her roof.

My friend struggled her whole life but got a college degree, bought a house five years ago and owns two cars all on her own. She has recently started having friends over on the weekends and drinking. While I don't do that, I understand she had kids early and wants to have a little fun now in her 40s. She's very responsible and pays her bills.

The other day I walked in and her daughter started screaming at me that I need to tell her mom to stop and saying that she was moving out. I was shocked that she spoke to me that way.

My friend started crying because she loves her daughter and doesn't want her to move. I say, let her go. She needs to learn to respect her elders, and she'll soon realize living on her own isn't easy. My friend didn't agree and hasn't said anything to her daughter about how she spoke to both of us. I want to help my friend because she comes to me for advice, but I don't know how. -- DISAPPROVING FRIEND

DEAR FRIEND: People often say things in the heat of anger. You walked in on a fight between your friend and her daughter. You have no idea what started it, and you shouldn't have inserted yourself. When you tried to "help," your input was rejected.

You have already said enough. Now, resist the impulse to stir the pot and step back so your friend can handle this herself.

Family & ParentingFriends & Neighbors
life

Family History of Abuse Leads to Brother's Suicide

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I come from a family with incest and physical and psychological abuse. I need to talk with my little sister about it. How do I get through it without breaking down before I can help her? My little brother died by suicide six months ago. I have been having nightmares over it. How do I go about getting through to her about it all? -- BAD HISTORY IN IDAHO

DEAR BAD HISTORY: Before attempting to do that, it's important that you talk with a licensed therapist about what happened to you in that unhealthy environment. Once that is done, ask if you can bring your little sister to some sessions.

It is tragic that your brother was so damaged by the abuse he received that he could not go on, and I respect you for wanting to prevent something similar from happening to your sister. Groups such as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org) offer counseling referrals after a family member takes his own life. You may be able to find a qualified referral there.

DeathAbuseFamily & Parenting
life

Do Flowers Delivered to Wife's Office Cause Hard Feelings?

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I usually send special occasion flowers to my wife at work. I was wondering if it could make some co-workers who do not receive flowers from their partner or husband feel neglected, and worse, cause friction between them and my wife. If you feel this could be a potential problem, I can have the flowers delivered to our home. -- EXCLUDED IN FLORIDA

DEAR EXCLUDED: If receiving flowers at her job has caused any tension in the past, you probably would have heard about it. However, you should ask your wife what she would prefer because she may enjoy the public gesture of husbandly love.

Holidays & CelebrationsWork & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics

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