life

Granddaughter Wants Wedding With No Family in Attendance

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 13th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Our first granddaughter is getting married in six months and has told her parents that no one from either family is invited to the wedding. They want to get married by themselves because they are both shy and don't want to be the center of attention.

At first I was OK with it, but the more I thought about it, the more hurt I felt. The confusing part about this is she wants a pre-wedding party for both families to attend. So I asked her to keep an open mind and think about having the party right after the marriage ceremony. Now she won't talk to me! Was I wrong to suggest an idea? My husband is now saying he doesn't want to attend any party they will have.

I can't stop thinking about our daughter and how she feels about not being able to see her daughter get married. I'm afraid I may have made things worse, and I'm very depressed. I just want to fix it so everyone is happy. Help! -- DEPRESSED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR DEPRESSED: So you have appointed yourself the official family fixer? Your "shy" granddaughter and her fiance appear to be confirmed introverts. If they prefer to take their vows privately, it's their privilege, and you shouldn't personalize it. That was your mistake.

While I don't think you have committed a cardinal sin and do think your granddaughter overreacted, you shouldn't feel the need to mend any fences. As to how your daughter will feel about not seeing her daughter get married, that is not your problem. Take a step back and let the bride and groom celebrate their day as they wish.

P.S. I find it odd the bride and groom would want ANY party, feeling the way they do about the ceremony.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Pet Owner's Choice of Dog Comes Under Criticism

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 13th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Why do people feel compelled to ask if my dog was adopted or rescued? I have wanted a dog for at least five years. Because I was in nursing school, I waited until I graduated, and then my partner and I researched extensively.

While I love the idea of adopting, sheltering or rescuing, we wanted a purebred German shepherd puppy. My son and I both have mental health issues, and our dog has been a huge help and an antidepressant all in one.

It is unfair that people ask these questions, or have the audacity to make faces and comments when I say no. I have neither the desire nor the capacity to mend or train a potentially broken dog. How I got her is no one's business but ours and our vet's.

The best response I have heard when someone asks if a dog is adopted or rescued is, "No, she's biological." I've used it only once, but it got my point across. Please remind your readers that asking these questions is rude. -- MYOB IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MYOB: I'm willing to remind them, but whether they'll pay attention is anyone's guess. What these people are doing is expressing the idea that animals who are in need of a good home should take priority. That said, there is nothing wrong with having a purebred animal if that is your preference.

P.S. I hear a lot lately about people adopting dogs during this quarantine period because they are desperate for company. I sincerely hope the animals will not be forgotten or discarded once the quarantine is lifted and folks return to their (somewhat) normal lives.

Mental HealthEtiquette & Ethics
life

Man Asked To Practice Social Distancing Grows Aggressive

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 12th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I encountered a frightening man in the hardware store the other day. I was standing at the counter paying for an item when a man behind me came at me, inches from my face, in an aggressive and threatening way. When I asked him if he could please step 6 feet away, he became even more hostile and accused me of asking in the wrong way.

In hindsight, I suppose I should have ignored him. But his words shook me. I didn't speak disrespectfully to him. Although I was alarmed, I was polite. When I said I was just asking for the required space, he said he was showing me how thoughtless I am because I wasn't wearing a mask or gloves. Neither was he, nor were the employees and some other shoppers. When I pointed that out, he countered even more loudly that I was the problem. I just shook my head and left. As I was leaving, he yelled after me that he hoped I got the virus and that he worked in a hospital.

The man was huge, at least double my size. He was clearly going out of his way to threaten me, if not to infect me. I know I should not have responded, but for my own safety, I needed to politely ask him to back away. If I'd had a smartphone, I might have called the police.

I go for a walk every day for exercise and to shop for necessary groceries. I have experienced people in aisles coming very close to me. I step aside to give space for others. Generally, most people are careful, respectful and even give a thank-you. This man was aggressive for no reason. What should I have done other than just walk quickly away? -- THREATENED IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR THREATENED: You did the right thing. I seriously doubt the person worked in or even near a hospital, because if he did, he would have taken the proper safety precautions. In these stressful times, people sometimes act out over perceived slights. With someone so angry, aggressive and clearly looking for trouble, the right thing to do was to get away as quickly and safely as possible. The man was lucky the store management didn't eject him.

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Friends Stop Speaking After Bad Situation Becomes Worse

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 12th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, a friend of mine behaved badly and offended me and another dinner guest. His wife shut him down fairly quickly. The next day, when I tried to explain to him why what he did was inappropriate, he misinterpreted my comments and, because of his low self-esteem, became offended even though he was the offensive person. I immediately apologized but got no response. Anyone who understands basic psychology will recognize this defensive and deflective self-defense mechanism for what it was.

Abby, these are people I love dearly. Now they no longer speak to me, and I'm at a loss about what to do besides continue to pray for them. Advice? -- MISSING MY DEAREST FRIENDS

DEAR MISSING: Your former friend appears to be both aggressive and hypersensitive. Continue praying, but be careful what you pray for because this person appears to be very high-maintenance. Surely you can fill the emptiness with friends who are easier to get along with and who are willing to talk out difficult situations like adults. If you do, I guarantee your life will be less stressful.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Unequal Division of Housework Puts Marriage on Stormy Path

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 11th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. My husband and I both work full-time, yet I do almost all of the household chores. I have asked him repeatedly to help ease my workload and stress by dividing the chores more equitably, but my requests are met minimally and temporarily. This has caused arguments, tension and resentment.

He says, "You and I value different things," or, "This isn't what I want to focus on at home," or, "Your standards are too high and have negatively impacted your relationship with our kids." I do ask our kids to clean up routinely because I want them to be active members of this household, and this is how I was raised.

It's putting a strain on my marriage and affecting my feelings toward my husband. Do I need to let this go? Or are my priorities misplaced? -- OUT OF BALANCE IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR OUT OF BALANCE: From your husband's perspective, why should he have to help with the housework if he can jawbone you into doing the lion's share? Perhaps you should offer him a choice -- participate more or someone will have to be hired to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

As to your children, please stick to your guns. It is important they master basic housekeeping skills so that when they become adults, they will be able to take care of themselves. Few children relish the idea of doing housework, but many of them do it anyway as a way to earn an allowance.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Sudden Paranoia Could Be Sign of Dementia

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 11th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was happily married to the same woman for 51 years. "Jane" was married 42 years to the same man. We were both widowed. We hooked up and were enjoying our time together, but after about three years it all changed.

Do you believe in split personalities, the Jekyll and Hyde thing? Jane started falsely accusing me of having affairs with other women. The last two women she accused me of being involved with I don't even know. The accusations have been coming more frequently. One day she's fine; the next day she is accusing me.

Jane doesn't like vulgar language, and normally she doesn't use it. But when she's accusing me of communicating with these women, she uses words that would make a sailor blush! A researcher's first guess was the early stages of Alzheimer's. I know she is paranoid, but why? -- HATES THE CHANGE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR HATES: A personality change such as you have described can be a symptom of Alzheimer's disease, but it can also be caused by small strokes and other dementias. Jane's paranoia could also be a symptom of a physical illness. If she has family, it is very important that you inform them about what's happening so they -- and you -- can encourage her to be evaluated physically and neurologically. If you do, it might save not only her life but also your sanity.

Love & DatingMarriage & DivorceHealth & SafetyMental HealthDeath
life

Wisdom From Grandparents Provides Guidance Through Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 11th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When I was 21, my grandparents told me, "It's better to be loved than to be right." Fifty years later, I'm still trying to follow that advice because it's so true. Sometimes it is very hard to practice, but I will never forget those words. -- KEN IN SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR KEN: Anything that encourages folks to get along better is good advice in my book. People sometimes place too much importance on trying to be right. Now, allow me to share an adage with you that I learned from my grandfather: "I never learned anything while I was talking."

Family & Parenting

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