life

Man Asked To Practice Social Distancing Grows Aggressive

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 12th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I encountered a frightening man in the hardware store the other day. I was standing at the counter paying for an item when a man behind me came at me, inches from my face, in an aggressive and threatening way. When I asked him if he could please step 6 feet away, he became even more hostile and accused me of asking in the wrong way.

In hindsight, I suppose I should have ignored him. But his words shook me. I didn't speak disrespectfully to him. Although I was alarmed, I was polite. When I said I was just asking for the required space, he said he was showing me how thoughtless I am because I wasn't wearing a mask or gloves. Neither was he, nor were the employees and some other shoppers. When I pointed that out, he countered even more loudly that I was the problem. I just shook my head and left. As I was leaving, he yelled after me that he hoped I got the virus and that he worked in a hospital.

The man was huge, at least double my size. He was clearly going out of his way to threaten me, if not to infect me. I know I should not have responded, but for my own safety, I needed to politely ask him to back away. If I'd had a smartphone, I might have called the police.

I go for a walk every day for exercise and to shop for necessary groceries. I have experienced people in aisles coming very close to me. I step aside to give space for others. Generally, most people are careful, respectful and even give a thank-you. This man was aggressive for no reason. What should I have done other than just walk quickly away? -- THREATENED IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR THREATENED: You did the right thing. I seriously doubt the person worked in or even near a hospital, because if he did, he would have taken the proper safety precautions. In these stressful times, people sometimes act out over perceived slights. With someone so angry, aggressive and clearly looking for trouble, the right thing to do was to get away as quickly and safely as possible. The man was lucky the store management didn't eject him.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Friends Stop Speaking After Bad Situation Becomes Worse

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 12th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, a friend of mine behaved badly and offended me and another dinner guest. His wife shut him down fairly quickly. The next day, when I tried to explain to him why what he did was inappropriate, he misinterpreted my comments and, because of his low self-esteem, became offended even though he was the offensive person. I immediately apologized but got no response. Anyone who understands basic psychology will recognize this defensive and deflective self-defense mechanism for what it was.

Abby, these are people I love dearly. Now they no longer speak to me, and I'm at a loss about what to do besides continue to pray for them. Advice? -- MISSING MY DEAREST FRIENDS

DEAR MISSING: Your former friend appears to be both aggressive and hypersensitive. Continue praying, but be careful what you pray for because this person appears to be very high-maintenance. Surely you can fill the emptiness with friends who are easier to get along with and who are willing to talk out difficult situations like adults. If you do, I guarantee your life will be less stressful.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Unequal Division of Housework Puts Marriage on Stormy Path

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 11th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children. My husband and I both work full-time, yet I do almost all of the household chores. I have asked him repeatedly to help ease my workload and stress by dividing the chores more equitably, but my requests are met minimally and temporarily. This has caused arguments, tension and resentment.

He says, "You and I value different things," or, "This isn't what I want to focus on at home," or, "Your standards are too high and have negatively impacted your relationship with our kids." I do ask our kids to clean up routinely because I want them to be active members of this household, and this is how I was raised.

It's putting a strain on my marriage and affecting my feelings toward my husband. Do I need to let this go? Or are my priorities misplaced? -- OUT OF BALANCE IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR OUT OF BALANCE: From your husband's perspective, why should he have to help with the housework if he can jawbone you into doing the lion's share? Perhaps you should offer him a choice -- participate more or someone will have to be hired to take some of the burden off your shoulders.

As to your children, please stick to your guns. It is important they master basic housekeeping skills so that when they become adults, they will be able to take care of themselves. Few children relish the idea of doing housework, but many of them do it anyway as a way to earn an allowance.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Sudden Paranoia Could Be Sign of Dementia

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 11th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was happily married to the same woman for 51 years. "Jane" was married 42 years to the same man. We were both widowed. We hooked up and were enjoying our time together, but after about three years it all changed.

Do you believe in split personalities, the Jekyll and Hyde thing? Jane started falsely accusing me of having affairs with other women. The last two women she accused me of being involved with I don't even know. The accusations have been coming more frequently. One day she's fine; the next day she is accusing me.

Jane doesn't like vulgar language, and normally she doesn't use it. But when she's accusing me of communicating with these women, she uses words that would make a sailor blush! A researcher's first guess was the early stages of Alzheimer's. I know she is paranoid, but why? -- HATES THE CHANGE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR HATES: A personality change such as you have described can be a symptom of Alzheimer's disease, but it can also be caused by small strokes and other dementias. Jane's paranoia could also be a symptom of a physical illness. If she has family, it is very important that you inform them about what's happening so they -- and you -- can encourage her to be evaluated physically and neurologically. If you do, it might save not only her life but also your sanity.

Health & SafetyMarriage & DivorceLove & DatingDeathMental Health
life

Wisdom From Grandparents Provides Guidance Through Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 11th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: When I was 21, my grandparents told me, "It's better to be loved than to be right." Fifty years later, I'm still trying to follow that advice because it's so true. Sometimes it is very hard to practice, but I will never forget those words. -- KEN IN SHERMAN OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR KEN: Anything that encourages folks to get along better is good advice in my book. People sometimes place too much importance on trying to be right. Now, allow me to share an adage with you that I learned from my grandfather: "I never learned anything while I was talking."

Family & Parenting
life

Man Keeps Granddaughter a Secret From His Ex-Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 10th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I divorced my wife 20 years ago, leaving behind two daughters. My older girl was 5 when I left, and due to my ex's lies, I wasn't able to see them.

When my older daughter turned 18, she contacted me. She confessed that she had been forced to lie in court, and we reconnected. At 19, she came to me pregnant. She asked if I would take her baby and asked that I tell no one, especially her mother. I agreed.

Last year, my daughter died in a car wreck. My granddaughter will turn 4. Should I go against my daughter's wishes, tell my ex and risk her taking her? Or should I let things remain as they are? My current wife and I are the only people who know. -- SECRET IN VIRGINIA

DEAR SECRET: I urge you to discuss this matter with a lawyer because there may be legal ramifications. Your former wife has demonstrated she is the kind of person who would force a child to lie in a custody matter. Having done it once, she's capable of doing something equally underhanded. I am trying hard to come up with a reason why you should go against your daughter's wishes and disclose this to your ex, and I cannot think of a single one.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingDeath
life

Age Difference Between Girl and a Friend Raises Red Flags

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 10th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm concerned about my daughter. She's 12 and wants to hang out with a 21-year-old male volunteer from her school. His mother works there, and I've known their family for a few years, although we've never socialized.

Recently, my daughter said she wants to meet him at a park to learn some skateboard moves. She tries to tell me it's harmless, that he just likes the skateboarding sport, but I am uncomfortable about the age difference and the fact that he works at her school. I don't know what to do. What's your advice in this situation? -- STUMPED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR STUMPED: Although the young man's motives may be pure, I do not think your daughter should be meeting him at the park without supervision. Accompany her so you can gauge the situation. Because he is volunteering at her school, you should first check to see if that kind of fraternization is allowed because it may not be, and it could cost him his position.

Family & Parenting
life

Plain Speaker Online Is Puzzled by Angry Reactions

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | June 10th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Am I awful because I don't sympathize when people put their business on the internet? For example, I read some comments on YouTube, and this woman was talking about how "all men cheat." I told her maybe it's just all the men she opens her legs to. My account was suspended for a week because of it.

Another time, a man was talking about how none of his many kids talk to him. I asked what he had done to them that none of them speak to him, and he got mad. Abby, I'm not looking for trouble. I feel that if you can't take someone not kissing up to you, stop putting your business out there. Am I wrong? -- STRAIGHTFORWARD IN THE WEST

DEAR STRAIGHTFORWARD: I think so. When traits were handed out, it appears someone forgot to give you a filter. I agree that some people overshare online and doing it comes with a risk. However, your comments weren't helpful; in fact, they were cruel. When a bee stings, its prey tries to swat it away, and that's what's happening to you. To avoid trouble, curb your impulse to comment, or be prepared to deal with the consequences that are sure to follow.

Etiquette & Ethics

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