DEAR ABBY: I need some help. A terrible car accident happened in front of my house a few months ago that resulted in the death of a husband and father. The family comes out every Sunday to place flowers at the accident site, which is my front yard. At first, I had no problem with them expressing their grief and tried to console the widow every time I saw her. The problem is, she has gradually added to the area a memorial stone, an angel statue, vases and some of her husband's belongings. My front yard is beginning to look like a graveyard -- a tacky one.

Now she's asking to place a protective shelter over the site. I don't know how to respond. My husband is threatening to go and pull everything up as it is. To add to the stress of all this, another fatal accident occurred last month, resulting in the death of a 22-year-old. He was the son of one of my children's teachers. I can't imagine what she must be feeling right now, passing our home and seeing the graveyard out front. It must be heartbreaking. We live on a dangerous road, and we are petitioning for changes, but I don't want to make our front yard a spectacle. -- GRIEVING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR GRIEVING: You are obviously a caring person or you wouldn't have allowed this situation to have gone as far as it has. It won't be a pleasant conversation, but the time has come for you and your husband to talk with the widow together and explain that while you sympathize with her devastating loss, you prefer your yard not be used this way. You have that right. It's private property.

Suggest to her that there may be some other way to memorialize her husband, but you need the stone and other objects removed within a reasonable time frame. You may also want to check with your local officials to see what the laws are about this.

DEAR ABBY: I've been happily married for 34 years, and my wife and I are supportive of each other. She's a gourmet cook, and I'm an OK one. She takes extra care when she cooks. She wants her meals to be exceptional, and I appreciate it.

Sometimes she will cook something like an awesome enchilada casserole or pork loin. When she serves it, I like to add lots of other toppings, like sour cream and hot sauce or BBQ sauce. I don't do it with everything -- just with certain dishes. I always taste the food first, but I know how I like my food, and I season it the way I like.

She wishes I would eat her food the way she prepared it. She insists that by altering the dish, I ruin her creation, which is disrespectful. I disagree. I should be allowed to enjoy my food the way I want and not be made to feel bad about it.

Why would she want me to enjoy my meal less by not fixing it up the way I enjoy? We both agreed to seriously consider what you have to say about this. -- RECIPE FOR DISASTER IN TEXAS

DEAR RECIPE: Your wife feels creative pride in the meals she prepares for you. When you alter them with "lots of" sour cream, hot sauce or BBQ sauce, she may feel that somehow her creation was a failure. Reassure her that her meals are excellent, but not everyone has the same palate. It may have something to do with the geographic region in which a person was raised, or the household in which someone grew up.

If you need certain dishes spicier in order to enjoy them, perhaps your wife should consider altering the seasonings in a portion of what she prepares to suit you. If she can't do that, she shouldn't blame you for doing it. To each his own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friendly with two other couples whose children are friends with ours. We live in a fairly small community, and the couples met and began socializing because my husband and I introduced them. It started out with board game nights, progressed to potlucks and holiday events, then eventually a three-family summer vacation. Everyone seemed to get along fine.

Two years into the friendship, it came to my attention that the two other females were getting together "for tea" about once a month, and had been doing so for some time. I won't pretend that it didn't sting. I was surprised that they were socializing without including me, and even more so to realize that they had been doing so "on the sly." It would have been easy to include me, but they repeatedly chose not to. Not only that, they actively hid their tea dates from me.

I realize we are all adults and free to do as we wish, but nothing about their behavior screams "adult" to me. At first, my husband felt my feelings were unwarranted, but the secrecy surrounding their friendship has cast a pall on the couples portion of the friendship. I'm not sure of my place anymore. What do you think, Abby? Am I off base to have hurt feelings on this? -- HURT AND LEFT OUT

DEAR HURT: That you have hurt feelings is understandable. But those women did what they did on the sly because they knew you would react exactly as you have. We talk about different things with different people. You don't own them. They are free to meet if they choose, and it's only once a month.

Because the idea that they visit with each other privately has made you unsure about your status in the friendship, tell them you know and ask why. It couldn't be more damaging to your relationship with them than the status quo, and it might clear the air.

DEAR ABBY: My father, although a well-meaning and caring man, often speaks before he thinks. The way he phrases things can come across as harsh, uncaring or rude. My husband is a sensitive person who was badly bullied in his youth, so he doesn't feel comfortable around my father and takes most things he says as insults. I have tried talking to both of them without success and even involved my stepmom.

My father and stepmom are coming for a visit, and I can't get it through my father's or my husband's heads that the only way for them to get on the same page is to talk. My husband can't understand why I see common ground between him and my father, and my father is too oblivious to realize the depth of the problem. The two most important men in my life cannot communicate. What can I do? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN FLORIDA

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Continue to encourage them to talk to each other, but if you're not successful, accept that your father is an insensitive loose cannon who won't change. Limit your parents' visits and keep them short. When you know they're scheduled to be in town, help your husband plan to be out of the house as often as possible. And, if that doesn't work, arrange to visit your parents alone rather than have them visit you. As much as you might want the two men in your life to get along, it just may not be possible.

P.S. If the bullying your husband experienced as a child has affected his other relationships as an adult, he should consider getting therapy. It might change his life for the better.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 45 years. When she moved out of our bedroom, I was shocked. I thought she didn't love me anymore. Then I realized that both our sleeping habits have changed over the years.

She snores, and I toss and turn. She needs the room dark, while I like a night light so I can see while I walk to the bathroom. I wasn't around when my parents got old, so I didn't realize our sleeping arrangement was going to change. We still love each other, but just sleep in different rooms. Is this normal? -- WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: The reason for the change is what's important. In your case, it's not because of discord or lack of love. While I would have suggested your wife try various kinds of sleep masks to block out your night light, your new arrangement is not an indication that there is trouble in your relationship. Many couples do this. So stop worrying about whether this is normal and be glad you have a solution that works.

DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law own a golden retriever. "Cookie" is their baby. The problem is, I live in a place where I can't have pets, plus I don't have a car. I'm disabled, so it's harder for me to get around.

I would love for my brother and sister-in-law to visit me for a couple of days. We live 2 1/2 hours apart. Well, my brother won't come and stay with me at all. He does visit, but only for about an hour or so because they refuse to put Cookie in a kennel.

What should I say to him without causing him to get mad at me? I feel he's putting that dog first, before his own sister. I miss seeing him and his wife. -- DOGGONE IT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOGGONE IT: Your brother and sister-in-law's goldie is also a member of their family. Demanding they put Cookie in a kennel is tantamount to telling them they must put their child in foster care for the duration of their visit with you.

If your brother is willing to drive 2 1/2 hours (each way) to visit with you for a few hours, he is showing his love for you. Can you suggest he arrange for a neighbor to look after Cookie for two days? If not, in the interest of family harmony, stop complaining.

DEAR ABBY: The last of our children has graduated and left the nest. My wife and I are now starting to go through years of boxes, mostly papers and photos. In the process, we have discovered several checks written to us that we never cashed -- mostly for Girl Scout cookies or other fundraising items and birthday gifts for the kids.

The checks are mostly more than 15 years old, but they add up to around $300. Would it be proper to ask the check writers to reissue their checks so long after they were written? We could use the money now. -- QUESTIONING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR QUESTIONING: You should have been more careful with those monetary gifts. To ask that the checks be rewritten after 15 years would be an imposition and likely not well received. Furthermore, if they were intended for your children for birthdays, Christmas, graduations, etc., any replacement checks should be made out to them, not you.