DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for eight years. He has always been independent. He works full time and goes to bars with (single) co-workers four or five nights a week and stays until I'm in bed. He also likes his weekends to be his "me" time to decompress from all the socializing he does during the week.

I have become "independent" myself in order to cope with the lack of attention and affection I have received over the years. But now that I'm 34 weeks pregnant, I'm running out of patience. Although I need my husband's help with things now -- things like setting up the nursery and helping with chores around the house -- he can't seem to fit it into his schedule. When he does, he ends up rushing through various tasks, and sometimes things end up in worse condition than when he started (or if I had just done them myself).

I'm losing energy in the third trimester, and I need him to understand that I physically cannot keep working, cleaning, cooking and being the patient peacemaker that I have to be when he's upset. Do you have any ideas on how to encourage him to spend more time at home and help me? -- EXHAUSTED AND EXPECTING

DEAR EXHAUSTED: I'll be frank with you. Your husband isn't "independent"; he's living the life of a single man. Not only that, he doesn't even contribute the way a roommate would be expected to. Did you expect fatherhood would change him?

It appears he wants nothing to do with you or the baby. He could not be more disconnected physically and emotionally from you unless he actually moved out. If I were you, rather than ask me to help you to convince him to act like a man, I'd be making contingency plans because you are not going to change him and things are not going to improve. Sorry to be so negative, but of this I am positive.

DEAR ABBY: I love my partner, "Dana." We have been together for a year and a half. She had terrible roommates last year, so she moved in with me fairly early in our relationship. Now that Dana has new roommates, she wants to spend time in the space she pays rent for, which I think is valid.

The problem is, I can't stand one of her new roommates. I'll call him Benji. He has been rude to Dana in the past and has had violent episodes with women. I can't be around him because I'm afraid of him (I am a small woman), and he makes me feel incredibly anxious. Dana has forgiven him for everything.

She moved some of her things out of my house today for when she sleeps there, and it broke my heart. I tried communicating this to Dana, but I don't want to control the choices of a rational adult, and she isn't changing her mind. I'm scared for her. I'm sad for me. What do I do? -- SLEEPING ALONE

DEAR SLEEPING ALONE: You have voiced your concerns to Dana; the choice of where she lives is now up to her. As you stated, she's a rational adult and can do as she wishes. Because you are uncomfortable around Benji, see Dana away from her place. That's all you can do.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I retired five years ago and moved to a small town where my two daughters and two grown grandchildren live. We moved here from another state to be near them and other relatives who live closer, but not in this city.

I am sad and hurt by the way one of my daughters treats me. She almost never invites us to her home -- maybe twice a year, when other relatives are in town visiting -- and I think she includes us only because she feels obligated. She has told me her husband "hates" me. I was shocked because I have seldom been around him and always went out of my way to be friendly to him.

When I asked her why he hates me, her answer was that he doesn't like anyone! He's very controlling. He doesn't allow her to get phone calls at certain times and insists she stay home if he is home, etc.

His best friend is allowed to come to their home anytime and make himself comfortable. His relatives are welcome to stay at their house when in town, sometimes for several days. When I invite relatives over, my daughter comes for a short time, then says she needs to get back home. Her husband never accompanies her, even though he is invited.

I make it a point not to call their home phone. I text her when needed, but she has to turn her phone off when he doesn't want to be bothered. I wanted to be in my daughter's life, but I am not welcome. Why? -- SAD SOUTHERN LADY

DEAR LADY: When you decided to make the move to be closer to your daughter, did she share your excitement? If not, it may be the reason -- or part of the reason -- for her husband's reaction to you. If that isn't the reason, then this is happening because your daughter married a man with serious control issues and, for whatever reason, she is willing to allow it. It may have nothing to do with you.

DEAR ABBY: Is there an existing or evolving tradition regarding what surname to give to the children of parents who already have hyphenated last names? For example, when "James Moreland-Ashford" marries "Sarah Rosen-Hubbard," what surname should their children use?

Surely no parent wants to saddle their child with four hyphenated last names, but choosing only one, or one from each parent might end up offending one or more grandparents and other relatives.

I heard about one family who dropped all their existing surnames and chose a brand-new one for both the parents and their children. It did not go over well with relatives in either family. It also proved challenging with respect to the parents' professional lives since they had to reintroduce themselves to all their colleagues and clients.

Have you any advice for us and our hyphenated-surname children? -- OVERLOADED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OVERLOADED: I saw this situation coming decades ago. My advice is just this: Keep it simple, and do not allow anyone else's ego to influence your decision. Your children will thank you for it.

DEAR ABBY: I recently landed a new job and was excited about doing work that would be directly in line with my education and background. I left a job of more than a decade to pursue this field. My problem is, I'm being asked to carry luggage, make coffee, run errands, etc. This was not in my job description, nor was it what I was hired for.

Abby, I have worked many intern positions. I do not believe I am too good for any job, but I have worked my way up and have abilities that could contribute greatly to this company. What they have me doing now is not beneficial for me or them.

If you believe I should say something, what should it be? I'm afraid they can easily find a substitute who may perform these tasks, as they aren't every day, but it's often enough to make me uncomfortable. It's a small company, and my pay is good, so I don't want to leave. Please advise me, Abby. -- SCARED TO SPEAK UP

DEAR SCARED: I see nothing wrong with having a discussion with your employer. However, because you are so new to the job, it should be done delicately. Tell the person you feel you could be contributing more to the company than you are currently doing, but do not complain about the menial tasks. It often falls to the newest member of the team to do these things, and the last thing you want is to be perceived as someone who is not a team player. In time you will see if this job is the right fit for you.

DEAR ABBY: My dad died of cancer a couple of months ago. While we were a bit estranged, I did love him, and his loss was painful. Despite this, I have accepted things and moved on.

The issue is that anytime I talk to my friends about it, they assume I'm really in shock. My friends are older, so I suspect they think it's because I'm only 22, but it's frustrating that they disregard my personal growth and the way I've dealt with his death.

I realize I have moved on fairly quickly, but the way I see it, death is a part of life, and what's done is done. How can I explain to them that while I'm sad, I have accepted what happened without sounding like I didn't care about my dad? -- MOVED ON IN THE WEST

DEAR MOVED ON: Point out to your well-meaning friends that your relationship with your father may not have been like the ones they had with their fathers. That you were "a bit estranged" may have made his death less traumatic than if he had been a major part of your life. It should not be necessary to put on a display of sackcloth and ashes. Everyone grieves differently, so remind them of that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Year of the Rat begins today. I wish a happy, healthy new year to all who celebrate this holiday. People born in the Year of the Rat are said to be instinctive, acute and alert, which makes them exceptional in business. They are sophisticated and popular in social interaction. But they can sometimes be stubborn and picky. Notable individuals born in the Year of the Rat include not only George Washington, Wolfgang Mozart, William Shakespeare and Charlotte Bronte, but also Gwyneth Paltrow, Ben Affleck, Eminem, Prince Charles of Britain and his son Prince Harry.