life

Man Unsure How to Initiate Romance With New Co-Worker

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A new co-worker started a few weeks ago. (FYI, I'm a gay man.) We share similar interests and have a lot in common. As I am getting to know him, I have become increasingly attracted to him and his personality. My joking around with him is borderline flirtatious. He hasn't said anything about it or shown signs of being uncomfortable, and he jokes back.

Should I tell him how I feel, risking our professional relationship and things becoming awkward if he doesn't feel the same way? Or should I back off for a while? I don't know what to do. I honestly feel like we have a connection, but I have been out of the dating scene for a long while and therefore am ... -- CLUELESS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CLUELESS: This person has been working with you for a very short time, which is why I'm urging you to put the brakes on. Let the relationship develop for a few months. Your co-worker may already be involved with someone or may not be gay. If he is spoken for, do not risk your job by making any moves. However, if he isn't, then it wouldn't be out of line to ask him to join you for coffee, lunch -- something innocuous -- as friends only, and then see where it leads. I view workplace romances as potentially dangerous, because if they don't work out, they can cause discomfort in the workplace. And some companies have rules against "fraternization."

Love & DatingWork & School
life

Stomping on the Stairs Creates Unhappy Noise in Old Farmhouse

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My significant other and I recently bought an old farmhouse. We have been together for five years and have a great relationship. He has his quirks, just as I have mine, but one in particular has surfaced since buying the house. He stomps going up and down the three flights of stairs. It's annoying and rude. If I head to bed early, it wakes me up. He claims he can't help it. What can I do? The steps are wood and have thin carpeting on them. Am I being a nagging partner? -- SICK OF STOMPING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR S.O.S.: You're not being a nagging partner. It appears you need thicker carpeting on the stairs. For the sake of your relationship, buy it SOON.

Love & DatingHealth & Safety
life

Neighbor Is Called Out by Fashion Police

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The other day I had to leave my house in the morning because my son's school called. He wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. I just threw on what I had worn the day before as I headed out the door. On the way out to my car, my neighbor yelled out, "Isn't that the same outfit you wore yesterday?" I didn't answer because I thought it was none of her business. Should I have explained the situation? -- IN A HURRY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN A HURRY: You were not obligated to explain anything to your neighbor -- who may have just been trying to be friendly, or may be overly interested in your attire. Unless her intrusiveness escalates, let it go!

P.S.: I hope your son is OK.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Hosting Overnight Guests Proves Prickly for Family With Six Cats

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: We have a small house, and family and friends are always welcome. We also have six cats, and their care and comfort are paramount. We keep our cats separated so they don't fight, so two cats occupy what used to be our guest room. We have explained this to overnight guests, several of whom are allergic to cats or don't like them, and they insist "everything will be fine." They then refuse to let the cats into the room during the day, while our distressed feline family members howl and claw the door.

There are simple things that must be done when living with cats, like making sure they don't run outside (they are all indoor cats), keeping toilet lids down and breakable things out of their reach. Our guests don't seem to care and they don't comply. Frankly, I wouldn't care if the cats took their jewelry, but I would care if one of them choked on it.

Why is this so hard to understand? Our cats need care and consideration; they are not disposable furry houseplants. To be fair, we visit with these petless folks, so we can't ask them not to stay with us. I've even tried putting Post-it notes around the house, reminding guests to keep doors and toilet lids closed, etc. They reacted like they thought I was rude! How do we handle this politely so there are no hurt feelings? -- NEW ENGLAND CAT LOVER

DEAR CAT LOVER: It's time to end the tradition of staying in each other's homes. There will be fewer hurt feelings all the way around -- your pets included -- if, when you visit these folks you stay someplace other than in their home and suggest to them that they do likewise. This doesn't mean you won't see and entertain them -- it only means they won't be subject to your house rules, which clearly are not acceptable to them.

Family & ParentingEtiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Divorcing Parents Butt Heads Over Introducing Daughter to New Partners

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been having the roughest year of our marriage, and we are divorcing. He has started a new relationship with a woman who is 14 years younger than he is, and he takes our 5-year-old to her house. I feel it is inappropriate because who knows if this relationship will last?

My husband and I are still living together. He's in the basement; I'm upstairs. I don't think it's wise for him to take our child on picnics and play dates at her house. I have tried to have a conversation about boundaries and doing what's best for our daughter, and I don't know what his next move will be. Living with the young lady? What should I do next? -- MOVING ON

DEAR MOVING ON: There is a commonsense rule that parents who are divorcing should not introduce a child to the new partner until it's clear the relationship will be long-lasting. At this point, you can't control to whom your husband introduces your little girl. This is a conversation you should be having with the attorney who is arranging your divorce. If something presents a danger to your child, the lawyer may be able to help you put a stop to it.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Woman's Online Attitude Darkens Following Her Brother's Suicide

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 10th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend on social media whose brother died by suicide several months ago. She was the one who found him. They were close, and I think he was her last immediate family member. She has posted openly about how horrible this experience has been and how sad she feels.

More recently, however, her posts have become increasingly bleak. She shares that she's having trouble sleeping and she is so sad and feels completely alone because she has no more family. She gets supportive comments from her Facebook "friends," but continues to sound hopeless. She has started posting that she's going to get off FB because all she can talk about is her brother and she knows everyone is sick of hearing about it. She writes that she does not think she will be here much longer.

I know that someone who hints at suicide should not be dismissed, especially given her experience with her brother's suicide. We went to school decades ago but were not close friends. I don't know her personally very well, and we live several hours apart. How can I help her if she really is thinking about suicide? It seems critical to me, but I don't know what I should do or how fast to act. -- CARING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CARING: Contact your friend through messaging on Facebook, tell her you are concerned about her, and ask to talk with her. You are right to be concerned. Urge her to join a grief support group or talk with a mental health professional about her loss and feelings of depression and isolation. Give her the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255. If she calls the hotline, she may be able to get a referral there. You are being a good friend. Let's hope she takes our advice.

DeathFriends & NeighborsMental Health
life

Househusband Needs Better Answer to 'What Do You Do' Question

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 10th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a successful career woman in my 50s. My husband is in his 40s. We decided several years ago that he could stop working, as my income is enough for both of us. He runs our household and is invaluable to me, not only as manager of our household, but also because he looks after the affairs of both our aging parents. Our kids are grown, so there's no need for child care.

When we go to social functions, invariably he gets asked, "So, what do you do?" When we say he's retired, people look at him suspiciously. I suspect they think he's taking advantage of me, when that couldn't be further from the truth. There is no way I could be as successful in my career without his support. What would be a good response? I think it hurts his feelings, but he keeps it quiet. -- GOOD THING GOING OUT WEST

DEAR GOOD THING: Congratulations on having a partnership that is working so well. People often ask this question as a way of starting a conversation with someone they don't know. Your husband might answer it by saying, "I'm retired now, but I used to work in ----. What do YOU do?"

Marriage & DivorceWork & School

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