DEAR ABBY: My father was killed recently in a shooting. I have received text messages and phone calls from my immediate family and close friends. My mother-in-law was thoughtful enough to send me a card, and I called to thank her the day I received it.

My husband has other close relatives. None of them called me, not even my sister-in-law. They have my number, so that's not the issue. Is this the norm in the United States? I ask because I come from a different background, and I find this disheartening. -- GRIEVING IN NEVADA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that took your father. When something so out of the ordinary happens, many people don't know what to say. While something as simple as, "I'm so sorry," or, "You are in my prayers, and my thoughts are with you," would suffice, they are so fearful they will say the wrong thing that they say nothing. Your husband's family may fall into this category. Please try to forgive them.

DEAR ABBY: I am single, retired and have no children. I do have some health issues. My sisters have begun to hound me about getting rid of things so they won't have to do it in the event that I die. My entire estate, which is close to $1 million, will go to them and their children.

It is exhausting for me to pack things and move boxes, and they are no help. I'd like to enjoy the time I have left and not have to listen to their complaints. What should I do? -- FED UP AND TIRED

DEAR FED UP: Tell your sisters you would like to die (when the time comes) surrounded by the mementos that have brought you pleasure throughout the years, and you do not plan to get rid of anything! Then suggest that when you are gone, they will have more than enough money to pay someone to cart away anything they don't wish to keep. With a "close to $1 million" windfall in their pockets, the expense should not be onerous.

DEAR ABBY: Would you think a husband is in love with his wife if he never talks to her, touches her or shows any interest in her? The worst kind of loneliness is the kind in marriage.

What should a wife do if she feels her husband no longer cares for her? We have been married five years, and I think about the seven-year itch. The first two years were difficult, and things haven't gotten better. Would counseling help? I'm ready to leave. -- CONFUSED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CONFUSED: I am not sure who is itching, you or your husband. Because there is so much unhappiness in your marriage, talk to your husband about it. Ask him why he has withdrawn from you, and whether he would be interested in working things out with the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist. If he is not willing, then realize it's time to leave because the atmosphere you have described is toxic for you, and it isn't a marriage.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old, the only child of divorced parents in their late 60s. Neither of them has remarried.

Because of certain family events, I encouraged Dad to create a will four years ago. He never had one because he doesn't have much money or any property to bequeath, but my understanding is that putting things in writing helps immensely when the time comes.

The will Dad finally produced is a cookie cutter one from the internet and not even notarized. But I was most surprised when I saw he had named his sister as his executor. Is this normal for people with adult children? I feel my parents are my responsibility to care for as they age. Assigning this duty to my aunt, who will be at least in her 70s when Dad passes, feels like an undue financial and emotional burden on her. Am I allowed to talk to him about his choice of executor? -- DAD'S KEEPER IN WASHINGTON

DEAR DAD'S KEEPER: Subjects like these are often sensitive and difficult to address. However, you are "allowed" to talk to your father about any question you wish. Explain that you always assumed it would be your responsibility to take care of his affairs if he was unable to, and ask him why he chose the person he did to be his executor. He may not have wanted to burden you with the responsibility or had other reasons for naming his sister as his executor. In the final analysis, the decision was his to make.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have been together going on two years, and I feel like I want to marry her. I think I could spend the rest of my life with her. I have already asked her father.

Recently she told me she wants to move closer to her family. They live in the middle of nowhere, and the only city close to them has extremely poor job prospects for both of us. As of right now they're a four-hour drive away from us, which I think is a reasonable distance. We moved here only six months ago, and now she's clamoring to get back closer to home.

To complicate things, I prefer an urban living environment, and that seems not to be an option. My girlfriend says she would be open to moving in the future, but if I'm being honest, that seems unlikely. What can I say to her? -- WILLING TO COMPROMISE

DEAR WILLING: I agree that once you and your girlfriend/fiancee move closer to her family, the chances of her agreeing to move farther from them is unlikely. If you have a child, she will want him or her to know the grandparents, and possibly have help with baby-sitting, etc. Your reason for not wanting to move to the "middle of nowhere" because of the economic sacrifice involved makes sense.

You need to think very carefully about what marriage to her will mean before taking the next step. And above all, have some serious conversations with her about your feelings. A compromise might be to move nearer to her family, but still in an area where you can both find adequate employment.

DEAR ABBY: Is it considered rude to ask to take some ice water with you from a restaurant after you have paid for your meal? An old friend of mine insists it is very wrong. Thank you. -- THIRSTY IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR THIRSTY: No rule of etiquette prevents a patron from asking to take a go-cup of water with them from a restaurant. Your friend is mistaken.

DEAR ABBY: Our college-age daughter has been withdrawn and depressed for some time. During a recent visit, after asking her several times what was wrong, encouraging her to continue counseling and expressing general concern for her, I finally asked her (again) if she was gay. She broke down and said she was.

She seems conflicted by it, relieved we didn't disown her (she has friends whose parents dropped them), but she still seems very distant. I thought once the burden of coming out was off her shoulders she would be happier, but she barely spoke to us the last day she was here. We both told her we love her, hugged her and, although shocked by her revelation, we are trying to come to terms with her being gay.

We are not perfect but feel we are doing all we can. She still seems depressed and withdrawn. What can we do to help her? I am more upset about her shutting us out than her being gay. I have been in tears thinking our daughter dropped us and doesn't want us around. She doesn't want the rest of the family to know yet. This is confusing for us, too. Help! -- HURTING FOR OUR DAUGHTER

DEAR HURTING: Because someone comes out to a parent does not mean that all the person's problems magically disappear. Your daughter may suffer from chronic depression that has nothing to do with her sexual orientation. That you have encouraged her to continue with counseling is appropriate. Badgering her to come out to you may have been less so.

Your daughter will have to find her own way in the journey to explore and accept who she is. Please allow her the space to do that without obsessing over the thought that she has "dropped" you. And do NOT inform the family about what she told you! Respect her privacy. She should have the right to disclose the information in her own time if she chooses.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter has been married just over a year and has recently been blessed with a beautiful baby girl. They also share full custody of her husband's 6-year-old daughter.

Both work full time. I'm retired and have offered my help for day care and transportation to school for the older child on certain days. My son-in-law's mother has agreed to take the other two days that are needed for care. She doesn't work either, and cares for another son's child.

The issue is, she charges for the care she gives her grandchildren. I'm not comfortable with this arrangement. Am I wrong to be angry and insist that I assume full-time responsibility for the care of my grandchildren? My daughter doesn't want to burden me. I'm fully committed to shouldering these responsibilities and would love every minute of it. However, I have serious concerns that the mother-in-law will resent me and my daughter if I demand to take on full-time care. -- FREE-OF-CHARGE GRANDMA

DEAR FREE-OF-CHARGE GRANDMA: If the other grandma needs the money she is being given for child care, you're darn tootin' she's going to resent you for undercutting her. Make your proposal to your daughter, but the final decision about child care rests with her and her husband.