DEAR ABBY: My 40-year-old daughter, "Marta," and I are widows. I'm retired, and my daughter has a small home-based business. She and her three children live with me. Because the cost of living is high in our city, living together has allowed us to pool our resources and co-parent my grandkids.

Marta has had a boyfriend for a year and a half. I have not warmed to him. He has four kids by a previous girlfriend or wife. The youngest is 18 months old. He works at a grocery store, and I just don't see a viable future for my daughter with him.

My dilemma: She sneaks him in, and he spends the night several nights a week. Marta never asked my permission. I guess she assumed it is OK. To me it is unseemly and untrustworthy on both their parts. It sends the wrong message to my grandchildren. My mistake was not having said anything to her the first time it happened. How should I proceed now? -- BOTHERED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BOTHERED: Proceed by having an adult conversation with your daughter and tell her exactly how you feel about this arrangement. While whether or not the boyfriend is good enough for Marta is not your decision to make -- face it, she's 40 now -- the talk may clear the air. If her sex life is important to her, she may opt to look for another place to live, so don't be surprised if she does.

DEAR ABBY: I had major surgery eight months ago. When I came out from under the anesthesia, I was disappointed to find my wife wasn't there. It turned out she had left the hospital to have lunch with my sister instead of eating on-site.

I have expressed my disappointment to her twice, and I know she regrets not being there, but every few months the memory of what felt like abandonment rises up and depression sets in, often for several days. How do I let this go? -- POST-SURGERY BLUES

DEAR P.S.B.: Your wife did not abandon you; she had lunch with your sister. It was a mistake she regrets. You were feeling helpless and vulnerable, which is normal.

I'm wondering if your reaction could be connected to the surgery or medications. Please talk about this with your doctor. If that doesn't help, a licensed mental health professional can help you get beyond this. Your doctor or health care provider can refer you to someone who can help with these episodes of depression.

DEAR ABBY: My dear friend has a terrible habit of always talking about her husband, "Bennet." According to her, he can do everything and knows everything. In one evening she mentioned his name 19 times. (I counted.) For the record, Bennet is an average guy and nondescript in every way. Even her kids think he is royalty.

How can I kindly tell her she is embarrassing herself, and her friends find it annoying? This has been going on for years, and it keeps getting worse. -- NOT IMPRESSED IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT IMPRESSED: For the record, Bennet must be doing something right or his family wouldn't idolize him the way you say they do.

If you think there is anything you can "kindly" say to your dear friend about her Knight in Shining Armor being nondescript in every way, you are dreaming. Tell your friend you appreciate how proud she is of her husband, but you'd like to hear about some other subjects. If it falls on deaf ears, see her less often if you must, but don't smash her idol.

DEAR ABBY: My cousin recently married a lovely girl, someone he'd been dating for a couple of years. Our whole family loves her, and she's always been very sweet to us.

She's very intelligent and kind, but the issue is her wardrobe. She's pretty but refuses to wear nice clothes. Instead she wears baggy, boring clothes. Our family is fashion-conscious, and I know my cousin has suggested to her several times that she buy new clothing -- to no avail. He thinks she's self-conscious about her body.

Her birthday is coming up, and my sister and I would like to take her shopping as a birthday gift to buy her some nicer clothes. My cousin thinks she might not appreciate it, but he agrees that she needs new clothes. He also suggested buying her a gift card to somewhere, although that wouldn't solve the problem of which clothes she buys with it. Do you think that taking her clothes shopping for her birthday would be appropriate? -- FASHIONISTA IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR FASHIONISTA: I think it is a nice idea, as long as you do not frame it the way you have to me. A better way to make the offer might be to invite her for a lovely birthday lunch and some "retail therapy." If you then decide to peek into a couple of clothing stores, she might be willing. And if you find something appropriate and offer to treat her as a birthday gift, she might accept. Keep it light, do not pressure her, but compliment her when she tries on things that flatter her.

DEAR ABBY: My family is surrounded by neighbors who are all friendly. We have cookouts together regularly. Everyone contributes to the budget and food preparation except one neighbor. He's a single dad of 12-year-old twins, and they show up to every BBQ without bringing a dish or their own drinks, yet they all eat heartily. We have run out of food for the intended participants (who paid for the food) because of them. What's the best way to handle this situation without making an enemy of a neighbor? -- FED UP WITH FREELOADING

DEAR FED UP: Your neighbor may not be clear about the rules. It shouldn't earn you an enemy for life if you point out to this single dad of twins (with growing appetites) that these get-togethers are potluck, which means everyone is expected to contribute to the cost of the food as well as bring a side dish so the food won't run out. Tell him what to bring. They should also help with the setup and cleanup. If he's uncooperative after that, he's a moocher and you all will be well rid of him if he takes offense.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 12 years and I have an ongoing disagreement about the language he uses when he texts women friends. He opens his text with "Hi, Beautiful" or, "Good Morning, Gorgeous." I consider this to be flirting, but he regards it as harmless even though he knows it hurts my feelings because he doesn't text that way to me.

I trust him and don't feel there's anything going on with any of these women, but I think he's playing with fire. The wrong woman may interpret it differently, and that's how affairs start. Do you think I am overreacting? -- MISUNDERSTOOD IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MISUNDERSTOOD: Yes. Your problem with your husband isn't that he's calling other women beautiful and gorgeous. It's that he ISN'T complimenting you, and I think you should point that out to him. Shame on him!

DEAR ABBY: I'm a man in my mid-70s, and I'm beginning to understand why some old people are annoying cranks. It has something to do with the nearly constant physical, emotional and spiritual pain. (And if you're not sleeping well as a result, that only makes things worse.)

My body is breaking down, and something hurts all the time. My wife died some years ago, other loved ones are gone as well, and my grief is an unending process. I know my remaining time here is limited, and I'm not sure I want to depart the only life I've known for an uncertain future.

I have started alienating friends and others by the things I say, and I didn't used to be this way. There's no excuse for this, of course, but what I'm saying is, there are reasons. And yet, some people age gracefully. My question is, how do they do it? -- ALAN IN FLORIDA

DEAR ALAN: It is extremely important that you speak to your doctor about everything you are experiencing. Your unending grief might be lessened if you discuss it with a licensed mental health provider.

It's true that not everyone ages physically at the same rate. Some individuals start preparing in their 40s and 50s for the later stages of life by eating healthier and exercising. The saying "use it or lose it" has a lot of truth to it. Muscles that don't move tend to freeze up and cause pain.

Volunteering is a wonderful way to stay busy, active and focus on others, and volunteers are needed in every community. Please consider what I have written, and let me know how you are doing in six months. I care.

DEAR ABBY: I met and married my husband 20 years ago. Twelve years ago, we had a child. Since then, I have felt like a single parent.

I think things were always this way, but I didn't notice as much until we had a child. My husband has a good heart, and I know he loves us, but he rarely spends time with us. He works long hours in retail and chooses to spend his off hours with others and without us. He loves people and is quite a social butterfly.

He can go days without speaking to us, and is content most nights with kissing our daughter goodnight after she has already gone to sleep. He makes plans and decisions on his own -- without me -- including about money matters.

Am I overreacting when I complain? I'm contemplating a divorce because I need more than a part-timer for a mate. -- LONELY MARRIED MOM

DEAR MOM: Overreacting? Frankly, I am surprised that it has taken you this long to write to me. The person you married appears to be totally detached and more of a roommate than a husband. That he goes for days without speaking to you and your child is emotional cruelty.

Spouses are supposed to socialize together -- at least most of the time -- and make financial decisions together. The only positive you've mentioned is that he's the family's bread-winner.

That you are contemplating divorce isn't surprising. Your husband left you behind emotionally more than a decade ago. Consult an attorney and familiarize yourself with as much financial information as possible before making any announcements.