DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law passed away six months ago, and my mother-in-law, "Grace," is understandably grief-stricken. My husband and son have been very supportive of her. My father-in-law passed away nine years ago. I have tried to be supportive as well, but Grace and I have always had a contentious relationship, and she really wants nothing to do with me.

The problem is, my husband and son have all but disowned me. They spend an enormous amount of time comforting and consoling her to the point that there's no affection or time left for me. I have tried talking to them about it, but they tell me I'm being selfish.

I realize my mother-in-law has had an enormous loss, but she refuses to interact with anyone else! Other family members have tried to console her, but she only wants my husband and son. I thought it would be for a short while, but this seems to be permanent. They have shut me out of their lives.

I have begun going out with my own friends and living my life on my own, but I miss my family. My parents and brother died some time ago, so they are all the family I have. Am I selfish, and should I let this continue? How do I just live my life alone now? -- LONELY IN THE EAST

DEAR LONELY: While I sympathize with your mother-in-law, it appears there is more going on here than the fact that she's grieving. That Grace has shut out her other relatives and has allowed herself to become dependent upon your husband and son to the extent that it is harming your marriage isn't healthy for any of you. If this continues, counseling may be in order for all of you -- grief counseling and support for "Mama" and marriage and family counseling to save your relationship with your husband and son. Please don't take what I am advising lightly.

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law passed away six months ago, and my mother-in-law, "Grace," is understandably grief-stricken. My husband and son have been very supportive of her. My father-in-law passed away nine years ago. I have tried to be supportive as well, but Grace and I have always had a contentious relationship, and she really wants nothing to do with me.

The problem is, my husband and son have all but disowned me. They spend an enormous amount of time comforting and consoling her to the point that there's no affection or time left for me. I have tried talking to them about it, but they tell me I'm being selfish.

I realize my mother-in-law has had an enormous loss, but she refuses to interact with anyone else! Other family members have tried to console her, but she only wants my husband and son. I thought it would be for a short while, but this seems to be permanent. They have shut me out of their lives.

I have begun going out with my own friends and living my life on my own, but I miss my family. My parents and brother died some time ago, so they are all the family I have. Am I selfish, and should I let this continue? How do I just live my life alone now? -- LONELY IN THE EAST

DEAR LONELY: While I sympathize with your mother-in-law, it appears there is more going on here than the fact that she's grieving. That Grace has shut out her other relatives and has allowed herself to become dependent upon your husband and son to the extent that it is harming your marriage isn't healthy for any of you. If this continues, counseling may be in order for all of you -- grief counseling and support for "Mama" and marriage and family counseling to save your relationship with your husband and son. Please don't take what I am advising lightly.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Kevin," came out at the age of 30. Now, 20 years later, I have a son who would like to stay with my brother for a few months while working a job nearby. We have never discussed that Kevin is gay. I had no idea when he came out to me. No one ever asked me about it other than my mother, who goes on and on when we are alone about "how could this have happened?"

The news did not change anything for me. I love my brother for the kind, loving, hardworking person he is. He is always welcome in my home, but my parents refuse to accept any of his friends, so he never brings anyone along. People still sometimes ask me if they can set up a girl for Kevin to date, so I don't think most people know he is gay. He told me that if anyone questioned me about his sexual orientation to tell them to ask him in person, so it's a topic I never bring up.

Should I talk to my son about his uncle being gay before he moves in with him? My brother lives alone with his dog in a nice house with extra rooms. -- CAUTIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR CAUTIOUS: Talking to your son may not be necessary. If he and his uncle have agreed on the living arrangement, the chances are good that the subject has already been mentioned or is not an issue.

DEAR ABBY: I know a girl through work I'll call Lydia. She is a hard worker and a great mom and wife. She has a loving husband and three great children under 19. Her youngest just started driving. Lydia hosts all the parties and holidays. Everyone thinks she has a perfect life, and she's the Rock of Gibraltar. If anyone has a problem, they go to her.

Not long after I started working here, there was a terrible tragedy in Lydia's family (it didn't involve her husband or children, but another relative). She is very depressed and doesn't seem to be able to pull herself out of it. I know everyone is busy with their own lives, but how can I get her friends -- or anyone -- to help her through this?

Abby, she is such a beautiful and kind person, I feel terrible for her. I have only been at this job six months, and I don't really know anyone. She never talks about it at work. But I can see the difference in her. -- LENDING A HAND IN NEW YORK

DEAR LENDING: You are kind to want to help Lydia. Because you are concerned about her, speak to her privately. Tell her how terrific you think she is, and you know she has been going through a difficult time. Then tell her that if she wants to talk or there is anything you can do to help, all she has to do is let you know.

DEAR ABBY: Please help settle a debate, and let me know if I am right or wrong. Is it rude to drop my girlfriend off at the door of a restaurant and go and park the car? When I walk in, she is already seated, and I have to go and look for her. -- RUDE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RUDE: If the weather is bad, leaving your girlfriend at the door of the restaurant while you park the car is considerate. If having to look for her bothers you, she should tell the host or hostess that her friend will be in in a minute and to please let him know where she is seated. Her being seated is actually a help. She should also keep her eye on the front door and, when you come through, flag you to where she is sitting.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my boyfriend, "Rocko," for two years, but in the late months of last year, he became distant. He would disappear for days at a time, block my phone number and ignore me. I was sure he was seeing another woman or taking drugs because he is an ex-addict.

Two months ago, he was arrested. I was right -- Rocko was on drugs and had been hanging out with another woman. Like any man who's caught, he swears she was "just someone to get high with" and nothing happened between them. It has destroyed my self-esteem. I hate myself, and I can't stop wondering why I wasn't enough.

Rocko is currently in rehab and seems to be doing wonderfully. I have asked him a lot of questions and said I needed him to be truthful. So far he has been honest. However, he still denies anything happened between them.

He says he wants to save our relationship and start a new life together now that he's clean. How do I do this? I don't trust him! I'm already doubting everything he says and does. I know he needs to earn my trust back, but how do I let that happen? How do I even begin to forgive him for everything he has done to us? -- JUMBLE OF EMOTIONS IN KENTUCKY

DEAR JUMBLE: You wrote that the way Rocko treated you has destroyed your self-esteem. Work on rebuilding it, and once you have done that, ask yourself why you should continue to be involved with someone as unstable as this man.

Disappearing for days at a time, blocking your number and ignoring you when you reach out is brutal. It is abusive. Rocko has been around this track before and may again. If you don't have it in you to stay and see this through to a possibly positive conclusion, end the relationship.

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor regularly goes around gardening in her yard wearing yoga pants with huge tears in the inner thighs and an even bigger hole in the crotch. You can't miss it because she bends over, and stays bent over, for significant quantities of time while she is weeding. Her behind is frequently aimed in the direction of my house and yard.

Abby, you could fit both hands in that hole, and it stretches wide over her pear-shaped rear end! I have kids, and her other close neighbors have kids even younger than mine.

The first time I saw her, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed the tears were recent. But she wears this same pair of indecent pants every time she goes out to garden. Today, when I looked out my dining room window, there she was bent over, flashing her derriere, with a hole in her underwear right where the holes in her pants were.

She isn't poor. She spends lots of money on her garden and updating her house every year. This woman is in her 60s, semi-retired, and loves nothing more than to call the police and the city code enforcement people on any neighbor she dislikes, so I can't talk to her about it because I'm afraid she'll retaliate. Should I send her an anonymous letter asking her to buy new pants? -- EXPOSED OUT THERE

DEAR EXPOSED: No. Tell her calmly that you are concerned about your children and ask her to please wear something less "revealing." However, if she refuses, install a hedge to shield you from the view. And practice your "look away" skills.