life

Daughter in Bedroom Next Door Frowns on Mom's Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 10th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old single woman who recently started dating again after four years of total abstinence. My two adult daughters, ages 18 and 22, live at home with me.

My dilemma: I am smitten, to say the least, with an attractive, supportive and very loving man. I have invited him over and introduced him to the girls, which went well until the other night, when my 22-year-old overheard us being intimate (her bedroom is next to mine). There was no screaming or anything lewd, no nudity or PDA, but I happen to have a slightly noisy bed.

She now refuses to sleep in her room and sent me a text telling me she wants to live with her dad because she thinks it's disgusting. I'm not sure how to feel. On one hand, I think she needs to grow up, but at the same time, I don't want to be the cause of her discomfort.

I explained to her that I'm happy after being alone for so long and perhaps she could be happy for me. My partner thinks she's jealous of our new relationship. The 18-year-old couldn't care less.

My question is, am I behaving inappropriately? Don't I have just as much right to enjoy my home as they do? -- GETTING BACK TO IT IN NEW YORK

DEAR GETTING BACK: I can see how your young adult daughter might be uncomfortable being confronted with her mother's sexual activity, to the musical accompaniment of squeaking bed springs. Most people have a hard time accepting their parents as sexual beings. You didn't mention whether your daughter's father would welcome this daughter moving in with him. If he's all for it, that would be the way to deal with her discomfort.

Family & ParentingLove & DatingSex & Gender
life

Wife Mulls Telling Husband About Being Propositioned

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 10th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been happily married for 13 years. Over the last few years we have experienced our brushes with the prospect of infidelity, but we remain committed to each other. While our marriage is a healthy and happy one, our commitment to each other has recently come into question, and we have been fighting more than usual.

Recently, a good friend of mine since almost childhood -- and brief lover in my early 20s -- with whom I have maintained friendly contact over the years, propositioned me. He said he has never fallen out of love with me and will continue to wait. I cut off my relationship with him without agreeing to an affair (or anything else) and have moved on with my marriage.

My concern is, now I feel this urge to let my husband know about the exchange, mostly to reinforce my commitment to him and maintain transparency. But part of me is afraid that bringing it up will cause more upset, and maybe I should keep it to myself. What should I do? -- NEEDING SOME GUIDANCE

DEAR NEEDING: Not all of our urges are meant to be acted upon. Be honest about your motive. What do you think telling your husband will accomplish? Will it bring you closer to each other, or remind him that you are attractive to other men and make him jealous? Will it anger him enough to want to punch your old friend and former lover in the nose? If this is a possibility, some things are better left unsaid.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Intensity of Grandson's Devotion to Video Games Is Worrisome

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 9th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a concern as a grandmother about our youngest grandchild, age 10. He is addicted to video games. There has been quite a lot of publicity on how bad this can be for children.

When we visit, he never comes to greet us or even to talk to us. Once when we were getting ready to go out to dinner, he was screaming at his mom and stomping his feet so hard that the ceiling light was shaking.

We love our daughter-in-law very much, but we feel she wants to be her kids' "friend" and not a mom. She's a teacher and is well-educated. Our son, who is also well-educated, does none of the disciplining as far as we can see. We can't figure it out.

This grandson is only 10 now, but it won't be long until he's 13. I am afraid he will get violent with his mom or even hurt himself. Should we mind our own business and just look away? We have never interfered in our children's business. -- WORRIED GRANDPARENT IN THE SOUTH

DEAR WORRIED: A 10-year-old child having a full-blown tantrum (which is what you describe) is not normal. He should have learned to regulate his emotions by now. There may be things going on with your grandson that you're not aware of. I do think you should mention to your son and daughter-in-law that you are concerned and why.

Family & Parenting
life

Pushy Text From Neighbor Crosses a Line

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 9th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: We have lived next door to a woman with a short temper for 20 years. Our driveways are extremely long. Hers has a big slope on the side closer to our home, which she cannot mow with her tractor. She asked us to mow that area with our push mower because she doesn't have one, so for the past 15 years, we have. It takes only 10 minutes, so we really don't mind at all.

Last Friday, I was running late to go out of town. I didn't spend as much time as usual on the yard, and I received this text from her: "Good evening. I really appreciate that you and (your husband) keep the strip between our houses mowed, but I just paid $400 to get my driveway power washed. That's a lot of money to get it all moldy again so quickly, so can one of you please come and sweep off the driveway before the rain starts falling tomorrow?" My husband went and spent the 60 seconds it took to sweep it, but I don't know how to reply to her text. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. -- MOWED DOWN IN THE EAST

DEAR MOWED DOWN: Is your neighbor so infirm or aged that she is physically unable to sweep her driveway? If the answer is yes, then let it ride. If the answer is no, text her back and offer to buy her a broom.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Opinionated Guests Turn Friendly Chatting Into Shouting Matches

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 9th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: If I have several guests sitting around chatting, and they start getting loud discussing politics or religion, would it be rude for me to say, "No discussing politics or religion"? Some friends become very loud. I guess they think if they yell, people will abide by what they have to say. -- MEDIATING IN TEXAS

DEAR MEDIATING: It would not be rude to say, "Hey, folks, this is getting heated, so let's change the subject. Now."

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics
life

Remembering Baby They Lost Is an Annual Ritual for Couple

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 8th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for responding to "Crystal in Nevada's" June 7 question about her aunt and her aunt's baby who was stillborn. Few people talk openly about pregnancy loss, yet I worry your response might discourage parents from remembering their children out loud, for fear it might seem too morbid for others.

My daughter, Evelyn, was born at 21 weeks gestation and died at birth. She would turn 7 this fall. I think about her every day. In the wake of her death, I sought help from a pastor, and I also belong to a support group.

Every year on her birthday, my spouse and I put a birthday candle on a cake or a stack of pancakes or a tiny cookie. This is important to us, and this is how we remember her. I wonder if this is "truly sad." How ought we remember her? She was real to us.

People remember anniversaries around grief in different ways, and we should be cautious about judging what is and is not appropriate. If a person's grief gets in the way of everyday living, then she or he should seek counseling. But a person acting out their grief on the anniversary of a loss should evoke our empathy rather than judgment. I hope Crystal's aunt knows there is a whole sisterhood/brotherhood out here who will remember her baby with her. -- ADRIANNE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ADRIANNE: I'm glad you wrote. I appreciate your reminding me that there are many ways to grieve. If it brings comfort to those who have suffered a loss, no judgment should be passed. I apologize to any and all grieving parents who were affected by my answer because it's clear that my response caused hurt feelings, and for that I am truly sorry.

Death
life

Friend Has Had It With Woman Who Can't Tell the Truth

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 8th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a professional, independent female in my early 40s. I'm not sure how to handle a friend I've known for nearly 10 years. She's beautiful, with a magnetic personality, but she has a terrible habit of lying and embellishing about things big and small, inconsequential and serious.

There have been times I've been appalled by the enormity of her lies, and embarrassed for her when someone indicates they're aware that what she's said isn't true. I have gently reminded her more than once that it'll catch up to her and encouraged her to be honest. She persists.

My problem: A few years ago, when she expressed a desire to "expand her circle," she incorporated some of my closest friends and their friends. Boundaries have been blurred and the need to impress others (lie, greatly exaggerate) has grown worse. These new friends are drawn to her dynamic personality, yet I can no longer stomach her rampant dishonesty. Will I possibly lose or damage other relationships by ending my friendship with her? Should I label her a liar and watch her react? I don't know if this friendship can be salvaged or if I even want to. -- SICK TO MY STOMACH

DEAR SICK: You don't have to make any grand announcements regarding this poor woman. Stepping back from a relationship with a compulsive liar should not damage your other friendships. People will soon recognize her for what she is, and will likely follow your example. If, however, you are ASKED why you no longer socialize with her, I think you should quietly answer the question truthfully.

Friends & Neighbors

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