DEAR ABBY: I am 26. My mom recently got my boyfriend sent to jail. We met six months ago. After a month, he started verbally abusing me, which progressed to physical abuse. Each time I was sure I was about to die.

He is now locked up for kidnapping, false imprisonment and aggravated assault. Mom had had enough of hearing about the abuse and took matters into her own hands. I didn't want her to call the police because I don't feel jail is right for people except killers.

I understand she wanted to protect me because I kept going back, but now I cry every day worrying about if he is safe in jail and wondering how he's feeling. Everybody around me is saying I don't need to worry about him because he didn't care about how he made me feel. I think it's heartless to say that.

When he got arrested, I was in awful pain with my neck and back, but all I could think about was him. People are telling me I need counseling, but I don't think it will help, because at the end of the day I will still think about him and worry about him.

I don't think the cops and my mom took into consideration how this would affect me mentally. I'm depressed and can't stop wondering if my boyfriend is OK because I'm a really good and nice person, and it sucks. I am going to go to counseling because I know I need to do it, but Abby, how do I eventually not think about him and his well-being and be heartless like him? -- HAVING A HARD TIME IN GEORGIA

DEAR HARD TIME: I believe you are a good and nice person, but you are also one who is very mixed up right now. If you think your abuser loved you, you are mistaken. Men who treat women the way he treated you not only don't love women, they don't even like them. Had your mother not done what she did, you could be dead.

If you want an example of what love is, love is doing something to help your daughter, knowing it may alienate her forever, but doing it anyway to save her life. I'm pleased you have agreed to counseling because you need it very much. After you have gone for a while, your emotional dependence on your abuser will dissipate. He is exactly where he belongs, and you need to get on with your life.

DEAR ABBY: Five months ago, my husband and I suffered a miscarriage. We had been trying to have a baby for six years, and we were over the moon excited. We waited 12 weeks to tell any friends or family, but we ended up having complications and losing our little one at 22 weeks.

My problem is some of our friends. I'm sure they mean well, but they continue to ask if we are trying again or if I'm expecting, and some keep insisting that I'm pregnant and that I should take a pregnancy test. It's soul crushing. What can I say when they ask me next time that will stop them from asking in the future? We will certainly tell them when it happens, but I don't want to discuss it until then. -- CHANGING THE SUBJECT

DEAR CHANGING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. The most appropriate way to handle these intrusive and insensitive questions (and comments) would be to tell them exactly what you told me in the last sentence of your letter and repeat it as necessary.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Joe," and I have been married 45 years, and he drives me nuts! I have asked him countless times to use better table manners, speak proper English and treat others with respect. I'm not asking for perfection. I know I'm not perfect, but if someone pointed out something I was doing incorrectly or that embarrassed someone, I'd change what I was doing.

Besides asking nicely, which I always do as to not belittle Joe, what can I do? It's hard to ignore! -- NOTHING CHANGES IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOTHING: After 45 years you should have come to the realization that you cannot change another person. For the sake of your sanity, learn to change the way you react to your husband's poor table manners and bad English. Because he's a sloppy eater, consider eating with him less often. Because his grammar isn't up to par, try to remember that you married him this way and he managed to get the words "I do" out well enough to satisfy the officiant.

As to his disrespect for other people, the next time it happens, don't ask him to cut it out, TELL him!

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who recently got married at the courthouse. Her parents were willing to host a wedding for her, but she chose not to have one since she and her husband live far from her hometown.

About a month after the wedding, I received a card in the mail announcing that she had gotten married, stating she and her husband are trying to buy a house and gift cards to start their new life would be appreciated. Abby, isn't it out of line for someone to ask for gifts when they didn't have a wedding and didn't tell anyone about their elopement until afterward? Several of my friends eloped, and I was never asked to send a gift. Was this rude, or is it normal behavior for people who do not have a wedding? -- NORMAL OR NOT? IN COLORADO

DEAR N. OR N.: This is not normal behavior. It's a gift grab, and you are not obligated to send this couple anything beyond your good wishes. To request gifts is a serious breach of etiquette. Had you contacted her and asked if there was anything they needed, telling you then would have been appropriate.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in 6th grade. My best friend hates a girl in our class. She toilet-papered her house, posted mean signs, threw eggs onto the family's car and dumped shampoo in their mailbox. I'm really uncomfortable with what she did. She's nice to me, though. What do I do? -- FRIEND ISSUE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FRIEND ISSUE: Although your friend may dislike the classmate, she did not have the right to damage the family's property. What she has been doing is called vandalism, and it is against the law. That it makes you uncomfortable shows you have a conscience. If you are smart -- and I think you are -- spend less time with her. I say this because a person like her could easily turn on you.

DEAR ABBY: I cannot stand my husband's sister. She thinks way too much of herself. She "had" to get married to a foreigner (who NEVER works), and her three grown sons still live at home and don't work or go to school. She works several odd jobs to support the lazy men in her life.

She's 53, but she was always rebellious and a hell-raiser. At family events she dresses like a streetwalker. My poor husband was embarrassed at the last family wedding because she was so scantily dressed and looking for attention. It about kills me and my children whenever she comes over to our house with her drugged-out husband. She is rude to me and makes backhanded comments.

I can't believe that after all these years, I still tolerate this garbage. I'd love to end these get-togethers, but how do I do it, because she's "family"? -- FED UP SISTER-IN-LAW

DEAR FED UP: It shouldn't be all that hard to accomplish. Tell your husband that because of the way his sister has treated you all these years, you are finally drawing the line. You no longer want her (or her drugged-up husband) in your home. If they drop by unexpectedly, tell them you can't entertain them right then and suggest that in the future they call before showing up.

At family functions you must attend, limit your exposure to her. Be polite but concentrate on other relatives whose company you do enjoy. You can't control her mouth or what she wears, but you can choose to ignore the woman, and that's what I recommend.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Bad Idea," (Dec. 15), the parents who don't want their daughter to join the Peace Corps for fear she will return only to mooch off them until she's gainfully employed again.

I agree they should voice their concerns to her before she goes, but you missed an opportunity to educate your readers. Yes, she is putting a lucrative career on hold, but she is doing it to serve her country. I doubt your response would have been the same had she been leaving her job for a military career.

The Peace Corps will train her to work in a developing nation where she will be sharing her expertise and American goodwill with others while learning a new language and culture. She will gain compassion, understanding and a world view that will influence her decisions for the rest of her life. She will learn that success is not just about the almighty dollar; it's more about finding meaningful work you enjoy and can be proud of.

Although the Peace Corps is a volunteer organization, volunteers do receive a stipend upon completion of their service so they can ease back into the American workforce without a handout from Mom and Dad. And by the way, I nailed every job interview upon my return from my years of service because I had something unique and interesting to bring to the table. -- RETURNED PEACE CORPS VOLUNTEER (SWAZILAND 1980-82)

DEAR VOLUNTEER: Volunteerism is a boon to our society as well as other societies who benefit from it. Almost 25 percent of Americans volunteer their time and talents at one time or another. Many readers besides you wrote describing the satisfaction they have derived in addition to what they learned while working in the Peace Corps. I hope your letter will allay the parents' fears.