life

Single Mom's Frustrations, Pain Boil to the Surface

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 15th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: About 20 months ago, after I found out I was pregnant, I was abandoned by the father of my child. My mother had passed away a month before. So I was grieving, shocked to discover I was pregnant and devastated when I was left for another woman. I went through my pregnancy alone, gave birth alone and am now a single mother.

While my child and I are blessed -- I have a good job, Momma left me some money that has helped me buy a home, and my friends are supportive -- my heart is broken.

My son's father pays child support, but his priority is the woman he left us for. Everyone tells me I need to be the bigger person, accept the situation and give my son a chance to know his father. I understand all of that, but I am so angry. I feel rejected and debased. I cry all the time. I try to keep a positive face for my son, but sometimes I break down. My son's father and his lady make fun of me and flaunt how happy they are together while I am alone raising my child. The woman enjoys pointing out how hard I have it and how alone I am.

My son is my joy and I love him dearly, but why am I not allowed to be angry at his father and that woman? Why must I be the one who accepts the hurt and difficulty, while my son's father and his lady have their cake and eat it, too? I would really appreciate your thoughts. -- HURT MOMMA IN THE EAST

DEAR HURT MOMMA: While you have every right to be angry, has it occurred to you that you may not only be grieving for your mother, but possibly be suffering from postpartum depression as well? Discuss this with your doctor and ask to have your hormone levels checked. It might also benefit you to join a grief support group.

Your ex-boyfriend and his "lady" may appear to have their cake and eat it, too, but it's not true. They have each other, and both of them appear to be miserable people. For the sake of yourself and your son, please stop allowing them to make you miserable, too. You have your beautiful child, and endless possibilities lie ahead if you will open yourself to them. If necessary, find a licensed therapist to help you let go of the negative and get your priorities straight again. Once you succeed in doing this, you'll be fine.

Mental HealthLove & DatingDeathFamily & Parenting
life

Family Photos Reflect Changing Relationships Over the Years

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 15th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: We used to display a wide variety of family pictures on our living room walls. Before repainting, we took them down. Because some of them include our children's former and current relationships, we can't decide which ones we can comfortably "redisplay" without offending anybody.

We have remained on good terms with former in-laws and the children from prior relationships, but the "new" and the "old" never speak of each other, much less enjoy seeing pictorial reminders hanging in our home. Some of our grandchildren are blood relatives; others are not. Our children have moved on to other relationships. This is our home, but we don't want to offend any of the people we welcome into it. Any advice? -- PICTURING IT IN ARIZONA

DEAR PICTURING IT: You are a sweet and sensitive person. Talk to your children. Ask how they and their children would feel if you "edit" the collection, and which ones they would prefer you retire. And be sure to offer the outtakes to them rather than toss them.

Family & Parenting
life

Grandparent Feels That Family Has Been Slowly Drifting Apart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my son and his family moved a couple of hours away. He's my only child. I know he's busy with his wife, two children and his job, but I would like to hear from him more than every two weeks -- or longer -- just to know what is going on in their lives. He told me I could call him, but I feel like I'm imposing. I'd like to be more involved in their lives. I would also like to be closer to my daughter-in-law. We have had a couple of good phone conversations recently, but I sense that she wants her own space.

I'm not an overbearing person, and I'm working on expectations vs. reality, being overly emotional when my expectations are not met and fear of sharing these emotions because I'm afraid my son and his wife won't like what I have to say. I feel they have been pushing me away.

What can I do, other than wait for them to call and work on how not to get upset when they don't include me? They have let the grandchildren stay with me a couple of weeks at different times over the summer. I'm trying to do things with friends, but I really prefer being around my son and family because I feel happier (or used to). It has been heartbreaking. -- WORKING ON IT

DEAR WORKING ON IT: Your son has told you it's all right to call him, so you should. Because of the blessing of modern technology, there are other options as well -- texting, video chat, etc. If you are unfamiliar with them, make it a point to learn. Be grateful your son and his family are independent, and try harder to fill more of your time with hobbies and interests of your own. If you do, you will be a more interesting person to be around. Your son and his wife should not be the focus of your life the way he was when he was a child and you were responsible for him. It isn't healthy for you or your relationship with them.

Family & Parenting
life

Couple Clashes Over Whether to Leave a Party Together

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are in our late 20s and get into arguments about what time to leave a party. I usually need to leave around 11:00 p.m. or midnight, and I think he should leave when I do.

I'm a full-time student with a full-time job, so I don't go out often. Between school and work, I don't have weekends off like he does. He accuses me of being selfish for wanting him to leave. He says he doesn't want to be "lame." I don't think it's appropriate for a woman to leave a party on her own. Am I selfish? Should I try to stay up later so he can have a good time? -- PARTY ETIQUETTE

DEAR PARTY ETIQUETTE: No, your job and your studies have to be your top priority. Years ago, I would have agreed that your fiance should leave with you. However, these days, women are more independent. Cellphones and ride-sharing have given us other options. Unless you are concerned that leaving alone would be dangerous, don't turn it into an argument if he wants to stay.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & EthicsLove & Dating
life

Mom's Questionable Behavior Has Eroded Daughter's Trust

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother did something very disrespectful. She picked up my former boyfriend and took him to her house, saying she needed help with her curtains or something. He said when she came back in the room, she just had on a slip, like she was trying to seduce him. When I asked her if what he said about her was true, she replied, "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't." Not long after that, I began distancing myself from her.

After I got married, she told a relative she didn't believe my baby daughter was my husband's. I was understandably upset. When I questioned her about it, she was shocked because she didn't know my cousin had told me. Right now, I don't care to be around her. I still send her cards for her birthday and Christmas, but I don't trust her anymore. What should I do? -- CAN'T TRUST MY MOTHER

DEAR CAN'T TRUST HER: It's sad, but not all parents are loving and supportive. In fact, some of them are toxic. Your mother appears to be one of the latter, so listen to your gut. Continue to be respectful, as you have been doing, but also continue to keep your distance. And if you are tempted to confide in her about anything private, don't do it.

Family & Parenting
life

Couple Must Choose Between Practical and Unusual Names for Children

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have decided to start a family, and the topic of names arose. My wife, who was born and raised in India, is insisting on Indian names for our children. The problem is they are often difficult to pronounce and spell. I'm not opposed to Indian middle names, but think traditional "Western" names may be more suitable, since we will live in the United States. How can I make my wife understand that having "unusual" names makes certain aspects of kids' lives more difficult? -- MAKING LIFE EASY

DEAR MAKING: Your wife's concept of giving the children Indian names is lovely. However, practically speaking, I agree with you. Popular names in one country can cause problems for a child living in another one. Not only can foreign names be difficult to pronounce and spell, but they can also cause a child to be teased unmercifully. Sometimes the name can be a problematic word in the English language. And one that sounds beautiful in a foreign language can be grating in English.

I hope your wife will rethink this. Why saddle a kid with a name he or she will have to explain or correct with friends, teachers and fellow employees from childhood into adulthood?

Family & Parenting
life

Old Report Cards Reveal More Than Grades

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A month ago, while in the process of moving, I found some of my brother's old report cards from elementary school 60 years ago. His teacher reported behavior issues, but by the end of the school year, she reported improvement. My brother is a successful businessman now with a family. Should I give him the report cards or discard them? -- BIG SIS IN OHIO

DEAR BIG SIS: Call your brother and tell him what you found. The two of you could have a good laugh about it. Then ask him what he wants done with his old report cards and do as he requests.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting

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