life

Clerk Gets Lesson in Privacy From Owner of a Service Dog

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 13th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I was in a retail store with my service dog. The clerk asked me what kind of service dog she was and I replied, "She's my service dog." She kept pressing me as to exactly why I have one, so I asked her if she was inquiring about my disability. When she said, "Yes," I politely informed her that federal HIPAA laws protect my right to privacy. She then said -- loud enough for everyone in the store to hear -- "I don't know what the big deal is. I just want to know what the dog does for you."

Please let your readers know how to be around a person and their service animal:

1. You do not have the right to ask about the person's disability. To do so is rude. Most people prefer strangers not know their medical condition. The dog may be for PTSD, a hearing or seeing dog, or to alert the person to a medical emergency.

2. Children (and adults) need to understand that when service animals' jackets go on, the dogs know it's time to go to "work," and they take their job seriously. At that point, they are not pets and should not be treated as such. If a child rushes a service dog, the animal may react badly because it is there to protect its person.

3. You may ask to pet the dog, but don't assume it will be allowed. If given permission, the dog should be scratched under the chin only.

Service animals know their place. It's a shame that most people are not as polite. -- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

DEAR N.O.Y.B.: Thank you for sharing this information. According to the Americans With Disabilities Act website (ada.gov): "Businesses may ask if an animal is a service animal or ask what tasks the animal has been trained to perform, but cannot require special ID cards for the animal or ask about the person's disability."

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Thirty-Year Friendship Is Jeopardized by Daughter's Tattoos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 13th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been friends with a woman for the last 30 years. Our children are the same age. My daughter, who is in her late 20s, has a number of tattoos on her arm that she can cover with clothing if she chooses. However, she doesn't cover them often because she likes them and they mean something to her.

Recently, I showed my friend a picture of my daughter that showed one of the tattoos on her upper arm. My friend said, "Oh, I am so sorry about the tattoo," and proceeded to cover the tattoo with her hand, implying that my daughter would be attractive if it weren't for the body art. I was shocked.

I have always been supportive of my friend's children and have never criticized any of them, even though I haven't agreed with everything they have done. I was so hurt by her comment that I was speechless. I'm not sure I can continue the relationship feeling this way. But I'm hesitant to lose a 30-year friendship over something I might be overblowing. Am I being too sensitive? How do I resolve this? -- COMPLETELY THROWN BY THIS

DEAR THROWN: For a friendship of 30 years to end over one thoughtless comment would be sad for both of you. Sometimes people say things without thinking, and this is an example. Resolve your feelings by talking to her in person and telling her how deeply hurt you were by what she said. It will give her the chance to apologize and make amends.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Meat-and-Potatoes Man Pans His Friend's Vegan Cooking

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I retired after a 40-year career. A friend from work, "Bernie," is the same age I am (62) but is still working.

Six years ago, I had a serious health crisis. Three years ago, Bernie survived a heart attack. Since then, Bernie worries incessantly about dying. He exercises rigorously and eats a strictly vegan diet. I like to spend time with him, but I'm more casual about diet and exercise.

Neither of us is going to be a GQ model, regardless of how much we diet or exercise. I say life should be enjoyed, but Bernie is too busy obsessing, compulsively taking medicine and working out.

Today he invited me out to supper. Instead of going to a restaurant, he said he was cooking another of his (not-too-tasty) vegan meals. I don't want to offend or discourage Bernie, but I hate his cooking. What should I do? Would a steak and a baked potato kill him? -- PAUNCHY BUT HAPPY IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PAUNCHY: Because you enjoy Bernie's company, call him and tell him you would love to come to supper, but because you are a carnivore you will be bringing your own steak and potato with you, so fire up the broiler.

Friends & NeighborsHealth & Safety
life

Adult Daughter Continues to Nurse Anger Over Childhood Loss of Mother

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother died from a heroin overdose when I was 8. As a mother with children of my own, I often find myself getting upset when people say nice things about her -- things that would normally make people feel good, such as, "Oh, she would have been so proud of you," or, "She was such a great woman." I feel that if she was such a great woman, she wouldn't have chosen drugs over her (or our) well-being. How can I let go of the anger I feel toward her when everyone else sees her only in a good light? -- MIXED FEELINGS ABOUT MOM

DEAR MIXED FEELINGS: I'm sorry for the loss of your mother at such a tender age and under such tragic circumstances. Far more is understood about drug addiction today than was known when you were a child. We now know that addiction can be less about a lack of character than a medical problem.

I seriously doubt that when your mother gave herself her final fix she realized it would be her last. While I sympathize with your anger at being cheated out of her presence in your life, it would be better for your own quality of life if you could accept that she was a human being and fallible. A licensed mental health professional can help you work through your anger, and I hope you will talk to one soon.

Mental HealthAddictionDeathFamily & Parenting
life

Pushy Party Guests Make Themselves Too Much at Home

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: We host many gatherings in our home during the year, including picnics. We have a downstairs bathroom that is intended for guests. But twice now, I have encountered guests using my upstairs bathroom. I have never offered it, and I'm offended that they take it upon themselves to go uninvited into private territory. I would never do that in someone else's house. Am I wrong, or are they overstepping the boundaries here? -- WONDERING IN THE EAST

DEAR WONDERING: To use your upstairs bathroom without asking your permission is overstepping. The exception might be if the downstairs bathroom was in use, and the need to get into one was urgent.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Racy Texts From Co-Worker Cause Man's Wife Concern

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ralph," and I have been married for 30 years. He recently started receiving sexually oriented texts from a male co-worker I'll call Mike. What Ralph once read aloud to me saying, "He's such a goof. Listen to this!" has now become covert reading for him.

Ralph and I have no secrets. Our phones are accessible to each other, so sometimes if his phone is lying around, I'll see things such as "Sitting on the deck with just a towel on the bits and pieces. Nice breeze!" with heart eye emojis. They are later deleted.

I have asked Ralph point-blank if he has feelings for Mike, which he denies. But he won't ask him to stop, either. Ralph knows this worries me and has me questioning our relationship. I'm tempted to contact Mike myself, but I'm not sure if that's the best way to proceed. Thoughts? -- BAFFLED IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR BAFFLED: Your husband may not have feelings for this co-worker, but his co-worker appears to have some for him. Either way, Mike's behavior is unusual. While I don't think you should contact him, this is something you should revisit with your husband because you find it threatening.

Sex & GenderWork & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Man Making House Call Doesn't Stick to Business

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A man came to my home today to fix a tech problem and proceeded to hit on me. Abby, he was at least 10 years older than me (I'm 23), and it was so unprofessional. I was home alone, and being faced with that situation caused me to turn red. He then commented on my blushing, and I just sat there saying nothing.

I am berating myself for not speaking up, and I'm disgusted that he assumed I was blushing because I liked the attention when it was the opposite! At the same time, I am fearful of a man reacting aggressively if I were to say something.

I was hoping you could tell me what to say or do in order to better handle these situations in the future. I want to be more vocal; I just don't know how to be. -- BLUSHING IN TEXAS

DEAR BLUSHING: Whether you were red with embarrassment or pale with anger is irrelevant. You should report him to his employer to make sure he will never come to your home again.

A way to protect yourself in the future might be to arrange to have someone else present under those circumstances. If someone behaves inappropriately during a service call to your home, you are within your rights to tell the person you want him to leave immediately, and that is what you should have done.

Health & Safety
life

Popcorn at the Movies: To Share or Not to Share?

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2017 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently went to the movies with a couple of friends. At the concession stand, I bought popcorn. They did not. However, as we sat down, they eyed my popcorn as I was munching. I didn't offer them any. I figured they could have bought their own if they wanted some. Should I have? It's been bothering me ever since. Was I selfish? -- MATINEE MUNCHER

DEAR MUNCHER: The polite thing to do would have been to offer them some of your popcorn. As to whether not doing so was selfish, the answer is: "Mmmmhmmmm." (I'd say it more clearly, but my mouth is full.)

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics

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