DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I go away once a year and leave our two toddlers with family. This year, their aunt couldn't watch them, so we asked his cousin "Renee," who we have always liked, to watch them. She agreed, and we paid her $150 for the weekend. We also bought food she liked and stocked the cupboards with foods the kids eat. We knew Renee was having difficulty because her husband just lost his job, and they are about to be homeless (not because of his job loss). We explained the kids' routine and left.

When we got back, she yelled at us for taking longer than expected to get home (due to circumstances out of our control) and stormed out. We realized after she left that almost all the food we had bought for her and our kids was unopened. The packs of diapers were also unopened, and a lot of their clothes were stiff from urine. The next day, when his dad gave him his breakfast, our 2-year-old started wailing and ate twice as much as normal.

We are at a loss as to why Renee neglected our kids, since she always seemed like a great mom to her own. My boyfriend is extremely angry and struggling with guilt. I just want to tell his cousin off and never speak to her again. Your thoughts? -- FURIOUS OUT WEST

DEAR FURIOUS: I don't blame you and your boyfriend for feeling as you do. But I don't think telling his cousin off and never speaking to her again would get you the answers you deserve. There must be a reason why your children's needs were neglected.

You say her children seem to be fine. Before writing her off, take a closer look at her children, because this may be how they are being treated, too. And if that's the case, the family, and possibly child protective services, should be made aware of it.

DEAR ABBY: Lately, I've noticed something curious with responses to the question, "What time?" when setting a date. When people offer to do something for me, I'll ask, "What time would be best?" Rather than answer, they go on to ask me 12 different questions, and we get nowhere. I just want them to choose a time! If it's not good for us, I'll tell them.

Personally, I feel if they're doing us a favor, they get to choose the time. It's incredibly frustrating being stuck in a game of, "Well, what time is good for you?" back and forth for five minutes. I just want an answer. Then I can make it work or offer another suggestion if need be. I never had this problem before, but now it's happening fairly often, particularly with women over 40. Is there another way I should handle this? -- SCHEDULING IN SPOKANE

DEAR SCHEDULING: These people may be trying to be considerate by asking the questions they do. When the back-and-forth starts, all you have to say is, "Tell me when you'll be here and we'll be ready," and I'm sure they will comply.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for five years. He's the man of my dreams, and we have a wonderful marriage. Recently we learned that his ex-wife -- to whom he was married for 20 years -- has been diagnosed with a life-threatening cancer. They have two adult children together.

I have never questioned my husband's love or devotion to me. What's bothering me is his reaction to the news. They had a horrible relationship and never got along, but he is very upset over this. I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't want to seem insensitive, but the emotion he is showing for her has really hurt me. I realize she's the mother of his children, but they have been divorced for years. Please help me understand what's going on with him. -- STRONG EMOTIONS

DEAR STRONG EMOTIONS: Not knowing your husband, I can only hazard a few guesses. Although he and his ex-wife have been divorced for years, the idea of a possibly fatal illness striking someone who was once so close may be what's upsetting him. Or he may feel some guilt because of the circumstances of their divorce. Or her diagnosis may have been a chilly reminder of his own mortality. I hope this will give you some insight, because you are going to have to be patient with him until this is resolved.

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to enjoy my life and not allow the toxic environment of my job to overwhelm me. My job was nice when I started 12 years ago, and I enjoy helping people. I process payments for disabled people in a cubicle setting. However, my place of employment has become a backstabbing, uncaring, favoritism-oriented environment.

I am well-paid and have good health insurance, so I need to stay. But I am very sad each day going into work. It is affecting the way I interact with my children and my husband. Any ideas on how to get past the horrible day in the office so I can be at peace at home? -- DREADING IT

DEAR DREADING: I do have a few suggestions. When it's time to take your break, use it as an opportunity to escape the toxic environment. Put on headphones and listen to upbeat music, read a book or leave the office to eat lunch or have a snack. If possible, take a short walk or meditate and do breathing exercises to relax. Then, after work, before interacting with your children and your spouse, give yourself the "gift" of a 15- to 30-minute walk or jog, which may help you to draw a firm line of demarcation between your work life and your home life. And take your vacation time to get away and replenish your spirit.

DEAR ABBY: We have an adult relative who seems to feel it is appropriate to color a picture out of a coloring book in lieu of a gift or money for graduations, weddings, etc. She also seeks approval from everyone at these events to comment on how beautiful it is, to praise her for her coloring ability and how much time it took. We are tired of getting coloring book pictures as gifts. How can we get her to stop? -- MIFFED IN MINNESOTA

DEAR MIFFED: You may be tired of receiving those artistic efforts, but to say that to the relative who gave them to you would be beyond rude. Accept them graciously, and thank the person for the "time and effort" it took to complete them. What you do with them afterward is your own business.

DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married to "Roger" for 20 years and have two kids still at home. They are pretty independent now, but my husband was very involved in coaching and volunteering when they were younger.

Sometimes when Roger and I take walks, we run into children playing in a yard or biking up and down the block. If they initiate conversation, I'll smile at them and respond with a quick "hi" or "nice bike" and keep walking, but my husband will stop to chat or listen to what they say. I have told him not to do that regardless of whether they seem willing. My fear is that an overprotective mom (like many of us moms) glancing out the window and seeing a middle-aged stranger talking to their child may assume the worst.

I know Roger loves kids, and we both sometimes miss the younger years when kids could be more open and talk with adults, but times have changed. This used to happen more often when we'd go swimming with our kids and other kids who were bored and not closely supervised would be looking for other people playing together to join. I used to worry then that if I wasn't there it could be misconstrued, although my fears never came to pass.

Do you agree that adults (and especially male adults) have to be overly cautious about engaging in any communication with an unaccompanied child? -- CHANGING TIMES IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CHANGING TIMES: I think (regrettably) that the answer to your question is yes. Because fears of molestation are so prevalent now, males do have to be more circumspect with minor children than they did years ago. Frankly, that's a shame, because kids gain so much confidence by knowing an adult is interested in what they have to say. Consider staying with your husband during these friendly instances as a "buffer."

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two homes. We summer in Michigan and winter in Florida. To save money on maintenance, I'd like to sell the house in Michigan and move permanently to Florida. My husband doesn't want to be in Florida during the summer, but he also does not want to be in Michigan in the winter. He won't make a decision, but he leans toward living in Michigan full time.

Because I don't like living up north in the winter, I have told him I'll be staying all year in Florida starting in January to see how it is. He plans to return to Michigan. Our Florida home is older, so to come out ahead financially, we would need to sell our place in Michigan in order to buy a newer one in Florida. Any ideas on how this could be settled? -- WARMER WEATHER

DEAR WARMER WEATHER: Your idea about living for a "trial year" in Florida isn't a bad one. After spending a hot, humid summer there, you might change your mind about relocating permanently. You state that your reason for wanting to sell the Michigan home is you want a newer one than the place you presently own down south. Perhaps you could satisfy yourself and your spouse by simply spending some money to update the old one a bit. Please consider it.