DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married just over a year. It's the second marriage for both of us. Since our wedding, my father-in-law continually "reminds" us that he helped my wife financially after her divorce. He does it because he wants us to continually acknowledge that fact.

I have offered to write a check and pay him back for all he did for her during that time, but he refused because he doesn't want the money; he wants the appreciation. To him what that means is when he calls on the phone, we answer. When he and his wife drop by, we are home, etc. I feel that since I have offered to pay him back and he refused the money, the slate is wiped clean. Your thoughts? -- NOT SON-IN-LAW OF THE YEAR

DEAR SON-IN-LAW: Your father-in-law regards his generosity as a means to control your wife -- and you by extension. You are not required to answer your phone if you prefer not to talk at a particular time, and you certainly do not have to entertain him and his wife at the drop of a hat. The next time the subject comes up, explain that to him, hand him a check and let the chips fall where they may.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is pregnant. Her husband is a lazy jerk who, during her last pregnancy, caused her to miscarry. It happened after he informed her he was filing for divorce and marrying a mail-order bride.

I can't bring myself to be happy for her. What do I do? How can I be happy for the person who means the most to me, but will probably lean on me for more support than I can or want to give? -- BEST FRIEND BLUES IN KENTUCKY

DEAR B.F.B.: Friends do lean on each other for support, but you can only do what you can do. Frankly, I am surprised that she's still with the husband who treated her so shabbily. Help her in those areas that you can, but ultimately understand that she is responsible for her own choices. If she needs more help than you can give her, encourage her to reach out to a professional.

DEAR ABBY: A colleague of mine was let go a few days ago and it shocked us all. I imagine it was even more shocking to her. She seemed to have a good deal of responsibility outside of her normal role, and from what we saw, she was excellent at her job.

We weren't close friends outside of work, but we would text each other now and again and I consider her someone I would like to keep in touch with. Would it be inappropriate to text her and offer my condolences? -- ETIQUETTE ADVICE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ETIQUETTE: You are entitled to a personal life outside the office. I don't think it would be inappropriate to reach out to her on your own time. As long as you don't discuss it at work, it is your business and no one else's.

DEAR ABBY: When my wife was 17 (she's now 54), she was in a car accident. She and her three friends were high and drunk. She suffered two skull fractures, which have affected her memory. She thinks it's my job to remind her of things and becomes angry to the point of hitting things when I don't do it. I feel her schedule is her responsibility. But when I tell her that, she claims I am not being "supportive." -- UNSURE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR UNSURE: In successful marriages the division of labor is usually "each according to his ability, each according to his need." Your wife's schedule should be her responsibility, and if your wife were irresponsible, I'd agree with you. However, because she suffered a traumatic brain injury, she may be unable to be as organized as you are and need your help. That said, "hitting things" when she becomes frustrated is not appropriate, and she needs to find a less threatening and destructive way of venting.

DEAR ABBY: Because our country's marriage laws recently changed, my partner and I have decided, after 16 years together, to be married. If something unfortunate were to happen to one of us a few years down the road, what's the proper way to acknowledge our marriage in an obituary?

Technically, we could say, "He is survived by his husband of two years," but that would discount the 16 years we were together and would have been married had the laws permitted it. But saying that he is survived by his husband of 18 years seems misleading as well. How can our many years together be honored without being misrepresented? -- OBITUARY ETIQUETTE

DEAR OBITUARY ETIQUETTE: How about this: He is survived by his husband and partner of 18 years.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my family that's driving me crazy. They are Facebook snobs. I prefer not to join Facebook for personal reasons, and because I haven't, they don't keep me up to date regarding special events such as births, family picnics, etc. They each expect the other ones to notify me, and no matter how often I ask, they'll say, "Oh, 'So-and-So' was supposed to let you know." It's not like I am estranged from any of them; it's just that they keep insisting I should join Facebook, and I'm tired of hearing it. Advice? -- NO SOCIAL MEDIA FOR ME

DEAR NO SOCIAL MEDIA: There are other ways to communicate online than Facebook. Are you on the internet at all? If you are, you could be notified of events through group email, group chat or group texting. I don't think it's fair to expect your relatives to make a special effort to keep you in the loop.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. I was having an affair with the most wonderful (married) man. I'm sure that he and I were the only ones who knew. He passed away unexpectedly a few years ago. I still go to the place where we met and hung out together. In my mind, I see him walking in and speaking his last words to me.

How do I mourn for him without giving it away? He was cremated, so there's no grave to visit. I end up in tears when I visit "our" place. I need all the advice you have to offer. -- NEEDS HELP IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR NEEDS HELP: Please accept my sympathy for your clearly heartfelt loss. Ordinarily I'd suggest you join a grief support group, but I'm afraid if you do, you might run into his widow if you live in the same area.

It might help you to visit the place you met less often. Surely there are less painful places you can go to quietly reflect on your relationship. You might also consider discussing your feelings with a therapist or a trusted, nonjudgmental friend, because keeping these feelings bottled up is not healthy.

DEAR ABBY: There is a nice couple we know who make their own wine. They give us a couple of bottles a year and ask us to return the empties, which we are happy to do.

We love good wine of all kinds. In years past, we have appreciated their wine gifts, although, to be honest, they have been of marginal quality. I usually end up using it for cooking.

We just opened their last gift, Abby, and it is so awful I won't use it even in cooking. My husband and I are now having a disagreement: He says, "Dump it and return the bottle with a thank-you." I say, "Return the leftover wine (minus a 1/4 glass), and say how much we appreciate the thought, but that it just wasn't the flavor we drink." I just don't want them to waste their wine on us and give us any more, as they work hard to make it. Please advise. -- NOT A LIAR IN COLORADO

DEAR NOT A LIAR: It might be kinder to return the empty bottle with a note thanking them and asking them to please not send you more because you are trying to cut back on your alcohol consumption. It's the truth. The alcohol you're trying to cut back on is theirs.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Maria's" quinceanera is next year. We invited her half-siblings to come. But her father's current wife, "Elena," refuses to allow it because Elena is a Jehovah's Witness. Maria will be heartbroken that they won't be there. Is there anything I can do to persuade Elena to let them come, or would it be overstepping my place? -- PROUD MAMA IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PROUD MAMA: If your daughter's half-siblings are being raised as Jehovah's Witnesses, it would be against their religious beliefs to attend her quinceanera. While I don't think it would be overstepping to talk with your ex and his wife and ask if their girls can come, do not be surprised or take it personally if the answer is still no.