DEAR ABBY: Recently, a member of the family suggested that my mother Google the name of my sister's new live-in boyfriend. (Another family member said he had done it months ago.) When Mom did, she saw that he is a convicted sex offender. We were all shocked as he has been very good to my sister and other members of the family.

So far, we haven't said anything to my sister or her boyfriend, and I am unsure what to do. I have a small child and it makes me nervous. I don't know if my sister knows, and I don't know how to bring it up.

I am upset with my family member because he didn't say anything immediately after finding this information. I'm upset at my sister if she knows and hasn't been honest with us, and I am upset with this man. What should I do? -- UPSET IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UPSET: First let me tell you what not to do. Do not remain silent and stew. Tell your sister everything you have written to me and ask if she's aware that her live-in boyfriend is on a sex offender website. If his offense concerned a minor child, it is possible that he is not supposed to be around children -- and if he has been that the authorities would like to know. But first, discuss this with your sister who may -- or may not -- be able to put your fears to rest.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a widower for a year. While he was eager to jump into the dating pool, he still has a mini shrine of his late wife's ashes and belongings in their house. I can't bring myself to have dinner or sleep over there with that overt presence.

He recently told me he's saving her remains to be intermingled with his when he dies. It was among a long list of her afterlife instructions he described. He's in good health. I figure he has 25 years -- or more -- life expectancy before the big event.

Realistically, shouldn't I expect more than second best in his world? Is there a time limit for grieving, or does the deceased get to control her hubby from the other side? -- WAITING AND WONDERING

DEAR WAITING AND WONDERING: Realistically, this has less to do with what you should "expect" than conclusions the widower must arrive at on his own. Ask him in a nonconfrontational way how he feels about carrying out all of his deceased wife's wishes -- and whether he thinks it is fair to himself or you. Be prepared to discuss it without becoming emotional. His answers will tell you everything you need to know about a future with him.

P.S. If your relationship with him is good, why not focus on the present and not worry about what happens to his body when he's gone? However, if this is a deal breaker, then don't invest any more time.

DEAR ABBY: My sister has been seeing a married man for two years. He has told her the only reason he is staying in this loveless marriage is for his daughter (standard lie of a cheating husband).

His wife found out midway through this "relationship," but forgave him when he swore he would stop, which of course he didn't. When I told my sister how wrong this relationship is and that she deserves better, I ended up alienating her.

I have recently learned that his wife just had a second child, and my sister is pregnant, too. I'm sick to my stomach with all of this. I told her how crazy her situation is, but she refuses to see how horrible "the man she loves" really is. She says she is fine raising this child alone, and if her lover is in their lives, then she will be satisfied with that.

I am the only one freaking out about this. How do I deal with it and not totally lose my sister? -- FREAKING OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR FREAKING OUT: Your sister is an adult. She has made her choices and may have to learn the hard way what you have been trying to tell her. Realize that as much as you love her, you cannot live her life for her. Let her know you're there for her and the baby, because she's going to need all the support she can get.

DEAR ABBY: I am 30 and my husband, "Brent," is 35. We have had some financial troubles lately and recently had to move in with my mother-in-law.

My question is, how old should a child be before his mother quits walking around naked in front of him? My mother-in-law still walks around completely nude in front of Brent and his 39-year-old brother. Although she is in good health, she always seems to need Brent's help getting in and out of the shower.

She also parades nude in front of me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I have talked to Brent about it a few times, and he said she's been this way his whole life.

Is this normal behavior? Am I overreacting? I have a daughter, and I don't get naked in front of her. How do I approach this without causing hurt feelings? -- COVERED UP IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR COVERED UP: Obviously, in the household that your husband was raised, this behavior was normal. I am puzzled, however, that your mother-in-law needs help getting in and out of the shower. What are the "boys" supposed to do -- scrub her back?

Because her nudity makes you uncomfortable, the most tactful way to approach this would be for Brent to explain to his mother that you were not raised this way, and that you both would appreciate it if she'd wear a robe when you're around. It's worth a try.

DEAR ABBY: If I sit at the end of a pew in church and someone comes in after me insisting I move because it's his/her "favorite" seat, should I do it or ask the person to sit somewhere else? -- GOT HERE FIRST IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR G.H.F.: If you're sitting in God's house, you should be on your best behavior. Don't commit a sin of omission; be an angel and shove over.

DEAR ABBY: I was single for four years and recently remarried. I didn't intend to marry again, but then I met "Bob." He was so kind and attentive that I was attracted. He proposed to me every day, several times a day, and eight months later I married him.

Bob moved here from out of state and hasn't been able to find work. It has been challenging. My daughter lives with us and is in college.

Bob's mood swings have been drastic lately. He doesn't want me to talk to anyone else, do anything without him (hang with my friends, my daughter, etc.). I have a great job and work part-time in the evenings to make ends meet. I try to stay calm, but he yells, uses profanity and is highly manipulative.

I am at a loss. I would like to help him, but his depression is tearing us apart. I also believe he is addicted to marijuana. He has threatened suicide, but I don't know if he would actually go through with it.

Abby, I have worked very hard to get where I am. I know I need to take care of myself and my daughter, but I don't want to just throw this away, either. Help! -- TORN IN TWO IN TEXAS

DEAR TORN IN TWO: Without more information, it's hard to tell whether your husband's depression makes him act the way he does, or whether you have been seduced by an abuser.

Among the warning signs of an abuser are:

-- Pushes for quick involvement;

-- Isolation: tries to isolate you from friends or family members;

-- Makes others responsible for his/her feelings: The abuser says, "YOU make me angry" instead of "I am angry," or, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you";

-- Hypersensitivity: is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life;

-- Verbal abuse: constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things -- degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. May also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse;

-- Sudden mood swings: switches from sweet to violent within minutes.

This is only a partial list -- there are 15 in all, which is too long for this column. However, they can be precursors to serious physical violence.

Urge your husband to get counseling for his depression and insecurity. If he refuses, then be smart and contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or online at thehotline.org for help in safely separating from him before your husband's behavior escalates.

DEAR ABBY: At a black-tie-optional wedding, is it appropriate for a man to come wearing a cowboy hat and keep it on at the dinner table? -- CURIOUS IN PALM DESERT

DEAR CURIOUS: Hat etiquette decrees that it should be removed when a man is indoors. And according to The Campfire Chronicle (at stargazermercantile.com), "If you're in a restaurant that serves anything that isn't coated in barbecue sauce, it's probably best to lose the hat."