DEAR ABBY: I always thought that "Lana," my wife of 14 years, and I had the perfect marriage. When I discovered she was having an affair, it hit me like a train wreck. After many weeks of trying to discover who she really is, I found out she has had several affairs throughout our marriage.

I still love my wife and feel I could forgive her and regain my trust in her. The problem is, she says she is trying to recover from her actions, so she can no longer hear about my problems or respond to any of my questions.

Lana is now saying I need to see someone to discuss our issues with. We are already seeing a marriage counselor, but I suspect he is too connected to us as a couple. What do you think? -- LOST IN LIMBO

DEAR IN LIMBO: I think the marriage counselor should have made clear to you and your wife that in order for trust to be rebuilt it takes lots of dialogue and listening on the part of both spouses. And painful as it may be for Lana, she owes you the answers to your questions.

That said, I think she is correct in suggesting you talk to someone individually. With the help of a licensed psychotherapist -- someone who is there just for you -- you may be able to rationally decide whether your wife is capable of being the person you assumed she was, and if staying married to her is the best thing for you.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died a few years ago after a prolonged illness. My father has found a new lady ("Colette") to share his life, and they are now engaged.

My problem is my sisters. We are all adults with families of our own. They don't like Colette at all. They are rude to her and behave like spoiled children. Colette is very different from Mom, but our family has always been open-minded and taken pride in our conviction that "normal" is just a setting on the dryer.

Colette isn't after Dad's money, nor is she forcing her way into our lives. She's also not trying to replace Mom. It appears she genuinely cares for our dad, which I can understand. He's a good man, smart, attractive and fun to be with.

Dad is happy as a clam. He's enjoying life and has lots more life to live. The only thing that mars his happiness is my sisters' attitudes. What can I do to help them? I don't want to be too harsh because I know they are still grieving, but I hate to see them drive a wedge into what remains of our family. -- JOY IN TEXAS

DEAR JOY: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. Perhaps you should remind your sisters how grateful they should be that your father has been able to find happiness after losing your mother. Not all widowers are able to do that. Stress that his desire to remarry is a tribute to the relationship he had with your mother, because men who had unfulfilling marriages usually don't want to commit again.

Point out that they have nothing to gain by alienating Colette and a lot to lose, because the more they treat her with disrespect, the farther away they will drive her -- and your dad. Then suggest that if they can't resolve their grief, they join a support group or consult a therapist for help.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old divorced father of two. I have had a girlfriend, "Dawn," for about a year. She has met my kids, but she's still uncomfortable with the "situation." She has concerns about me having been married before, such as having experienced many of the firsts she has yet to enjoy.

Dawn doesn't like being in my house because I had it when I was married, and she says my kids remind her of my past. She says she doesn't want to share me with anyone, including them.

When we're alone, we are absolutely phenomenal as a couple. We love and care about each other deeply. This is causing a tremendous amount of stress on us, and neither of us knows how to handle it or what to do. Please help. -- TWO'S COMPANY IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO'S COMPANY: Forgive me for being blunt, but you need to break it off with this woman before you waste any more of her time or yours. You may be crazy about Dawn, but your first responsibility must be to your children, and she has made it clear how she feels about them.

You may be phenomenal as a couple, but there are more people involved than just the two of you. She needs to find someone who has no encumbrances, and you need to find a lady who has a greater capacity for love than Dawn appears to be capable of.

DEAR ABBY: I often eat out with friends when we travel and when we're here at home. Some of them bring their own canned drinks or powdered drink mix to add to water served by the restaurant. I have an uneasy feeling about this. I don't think it is right to take my own drink into an eating establishment.

I have never said anything negative about it, but I haven't joined in the practice. Is my discomfort my problem? What do you think about this? -- TESTY SOUTHERN BELLE

DEAR BELLE: What I think about it is less important than what the restaurant does, and not knowing the reason your friends behave this way, I am hesitant to judge them. I'm not sure what kind of canned or powdered drink your friends are bringing, but if they are on some kind of restricted diet, then it's what they need to do for a while. If the restaurant objected, the manager would either tell your friends not to do it anymore or institute a charge to make up for the lost income.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with "Russell" for four months. We live together and eventually would like to be married. Russ is very honest. He told me he had impregnated a woman prior to me and she was eight months pregnant. I asked him to contact her on my behalf so I can meet her, since we plan on having a future together.

When I called the woman to suggest we meet somewhere, she cursed me out for contacting her and for telling her she can't communicate with Russ unless I'm involved. When Russ told her the same thing, she ordered him not to contact her again.

Russ has tried calling her since then because he wants to be involved in his child's life, but she never called him back. What do you think we should do? -- LOOKING TOWARD THE FUTURE

DEAR LOOKING: What Russell should do -- and you, as well -- is talk with an attorney to establish exactly what his rights and responsibilities will be to his child, once paternity has been established.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: At sundown, Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, begins. This is the beginning of our time of solemn introspection. "Leshana tova tikatevu" -- may each of us be inscribed in the Book of Life and enjoy a good year.

DEAR ABBY: I had an awful childhood. After I was finally taken into state custody, I cycled through six different foster homes. Because of it I have struggled with mental health issues for as long as I can remember.

I'm 28 now and have a 4-year-old daughter who is everything to me. The problem is, I'm terrified of strangers. As a child I saw firsthand how evil people can be, and I am almost paralyzed with fear because of my hyper-vigilance. I fight the battle every day.

I am in counseling and I'm trying, but I am afraid I am going to make my daughter fear the world. She's in Head Start and loves it. Anyone who meets her comments on how happy and outgoing she is, but I don't know how to walk the tightrope between keeping her safe and making her afraid. Any advice would be appreciated. -- TERRIFIED OF STRANGERS

DEAR TERRIFIED: Considering your past, I think you're being a wonderful mother. You are getting professional help and for that I applaud you. You are realistic about your issues, and your daughter appears to be thriving.

You may need counseling for some time to avoid becoming overprotective and to allow your daughter to develop into a healthy adult. While your fears are the result of your history, they do not have to become a part of hers.

DEAR ABBY: As I was going through my gallery of pictures in my cellphone, I stumbled upon some naked pictures of my ex-boyfriend. What should I do with them? -- SAY "CHEESE"

DEAR "CHEESE": Do the same thing with them that you would hope he did with the naked pictures he has of you.

DEAR ABBY: I grew up in the lap of luxury at a private country club in the East. My father was the golf pro. In my teens I noticed that these wealthy people always introduced one acquaintance to another whenever they met for a chat. I also noticed that my lower-income friends and family never did.

After moving across the country to the West Coast as an adult, I have noticed that nobody -- rich or poor -- seems to go out of their way to introduce a new face to others in the room. What would you say accounts for this? -- DONNA IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR DONNA: A person can't do what he or she hasn't been taught. During the 1960s, many parents stopped teaching their children social refinements like the one you describe. The result has been a lack of sensitivity in social interactions, and it is evident in more ways than this one.

DEAR ABBY: A few weeks ago I began using a name other than my given name. It's one I made up and used during pretend games when I was a child, so it's personally significant.

A friend recently told me that because it is a common Japanese name, it is culturally inappropriate for me to use it because I am not Asian. It is also a name in Hebrew, German and Ancient Egyptian, as I recently learned. Is it wrong for me to use the name? -- THE NEW "ME" IN COLORADO

DEAR NEW "ME": No, it's not. You can call yourself any name you wish. Many parents have given their child a name from another culture because they liked the sound of it, and you don't have to make any apologies for changing yours.