DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Heartbroken in Alabama" (Jan. 2) did not go deep enough. The pregnant sister, "Nicole," who is facing prison time, needs to contact the Department of Children's Services in her county/state as soon as possible. They will oversee the placement of her child if said child is born in jail or prison.

A child born in custody becomes a ward of the state, and if arrangements can be made prior to birth for a foster family, it could benefit the child and "Heartbroken." -- OBSTETRICAL RN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RN: Thank you for writing. Readers' views were emotionally charged about this subject, as you will see:

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken" is upset because her parents want to raise her sister's child while her sister serves a prison sentence. It should be the sister's decision who will raise the child, no one else's.

It sounds like the parents intend to maintain the family ties and make sure the child knows his/her birth mother, regardless of the circumstances. This is especially important, since the birth father is married and probably unavailable. It's unlikely the birth mother would be released from prison ready and able, emotionally and financially, to care for her child. But if the parents have custody, a relationship can still be formed and the child won't be cast to the wind.

If I were the birth mother, I wouldn't want my child raised by a sister who has no compassion or empathy for me. "Heartbroken" is behaving like the child is a commodity with no rights or needs of his/her own. That child needs to view the birth mother as someone of value (as everyone is) in order to develop a healthy sense of self. I urge "Heartbroken" and her husband to educate themselves about the emotional needs of adopted children before they take ANY child into their home. -- ADOPTIVE MOTHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken" may desperately want to be a mother and her mother may want to raise her grandchild, but has either of them given consideration to the special needs that Nicole's child will likely be born with?

We have two adopted children whose birth mothers had varying degrees of alcohol and drug dependency. Our boys have learning disabilities, seizures, ADHD and more. They require numerous kinds of therapy and more doctors' appointments than we had with our six biological children combined.

Adoption is a wonderful process and the joys of raising a child with special needs are numerous. However, "Heartbroken" and her mother both need to be aware that adopting a bundle of joy whose mother was drugged and/or drank during pregnancy means they will be raising a child who has some level of disability.

"Heartbroken," DO YOUR RESEARCH. I'd hate to see your heart broken again. -- MOM WHO KNOWS IN IDAHO

DEAR ABBY: Having an addiction does not absolve Nicole from facing the music for her past actions -- she may indeed serve time. But respect and empathy are more appropriate reactions to her situation than judgment and criticism. It's likely Nicole is already providing herSELF with plenty of those.

"Heartbroken" should consider talking with her sister to validate how hard it must be for Nicole, who "always wanted to be a mom," to finally be pregnant but facing jail time instead of nursery time. I know several women in the same situation, who acted on what they perceived to be in the best interest of their child. They facilitated the adoption of the child, most often sending the child to a loving and trusted relative, especially a sibling. -- ADDICTION MEDICINE DOC IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old daughter, "Gwen," just started middle school. She makes good grades, but she's strong-willed. Do kids grow up instantly when they start middle school?

She wants to know if she can have a boyfriend. I told her not until she's 15. Now she's flirting with girls who ask her out. I told her to stay away from them, not because they are lesbians but because they are not good girls. They are always in trouble.

Gwen says I'm too strict, and if I don't stop, she will run away. I adopted her at birth (it was an open adoption), and she recently asked me if I am going to place her for adoption. She was worried that I would. I am very concerned that she is hanging out with the wrong crowd. Any advice? -- SAN ANTONIO MOM

DEAR MOM: People do not grow up "instantly." I know individuals who are immature at 50, and I'm sure if you think about it, so do you. From what you have told me about your daughter, it's clear that she is far from the grown-up she thinks she is.

If you do not to want Gwen to date until she is older, that is your prerogative as her parent. The gender of the person isn't the issue.

Because you think she is hanging out with the wrong crowd, my advice is to make sure she is so busy she doesn't have time to spend with them. Involve her in activities outside of school -- sports, scouting, music or art. And be sure she knows that you are her forever mother and that nothing she could ever do will lessen your love for her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old woman who has just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. It has been a rough road, and I'm lucky to have such a supportive group.

My issue is, when people find out, I get comments such as, "Wow, you look so GOOD!" or suggestions on how I should "cure" my MS. The most hurtful one was that it's all in my head.

While I appreciate that folks care and want to offer help, I find their comments offensive and hurtful. How do I respond tactfully, but also convey that they should think twice before they say these things? -- UPSET IN OHIO

DEAR UPSET: If someone says you look good, respond as you would to any other compliment -- say thank you. When someone offers a suggestion about how you can "cure" yourself, you'll save yourself a lot of frustration if you keep in mind that the person cares enough about you to try to be helpful. All you need to do is smile and say firmly that you are under a doctor's care and are satisfied with the treatment you are receiving.

And, heaven forbid, if another individual tells you that your MS is "all in your head," remember that just because a jackass brays does not mean you have to pay attention.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH READERS: I received this Irish prayer from a reader. I'm sharing it with you today in honor of St. Patrick's Day:

Take time to work,

It is the price of success,

Take time to think,

It is the source of power.

Take time to play,

It is the secret of perpetual youth.

Take time to read,

It is the foundation of wisdom.

Take time to be friendly,

It is the road to happiness.

Take time to love and be loved,

It is the privilege of the gods.

Take time to share,

Life is too short to be selfish.

Take time to laugh,

Laughter is the music of the soul.

DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for five years. I have a close friend, "Louise," who was also close to my late husband. She promised him on his deathbed she would "take care of me" when he was gone.

Well, she has taken it to the extreme. She became very controlling and didn't want me doing anything without her. I went along with it to keep the peace until about a year ago, when I met a wonderful man I'll call Bill.

Bill recently moved into my home. Louise says he has no right to live with me here because my late husband had it built and I have no right to let anyone else stay here. Now she refuses to visit. People have repeated to me some of the awful things she has called Bill. We have had many arguments over the hurtful things she has said in my presence.

Bill feels bad about this. He hasn't said or done anything to deserve the treatment Louise is dishing out and has encouraged me to try and work it out. Any advice on how to handle this very stressful situation? -- WIDOW IN SALEM, N.J.

DEAR WIDOW: Yes. Stop trying to appease Louise. She has gone beyond "taking care of you" and is trying to dictate the way you live your life. Bill means well, but you have already tried to get Louise to accept the situation. Because she refuses, perhaps it's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a bind when it comes to hostess gifts. I know nothing about wine and am not much interested in learning because most of my friends and I don't drink. I am also allergic to flowers and perfumes, so I would never give anyone flowers, soaps or candles, because if I did I would have to leave the party early.

This leaves me confused as to what is appropriate. Could I give a nice jar of high-quality spice or are there better options? -- IN THE DARK ABOUT HOSTESS GIFTS

DEAR IN THE DARK: A box of assorted chocolates might be nice, if your hosts are sweet-eaters, or matching small- and medium-sized picture frames, or a box of note cards and matching envelopes. However, unless you are certain the spice you select is one your hosts might use, I don't recommend it as a house gift.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother supporting four children with no help from my ex-husband. I am fortunate to have a good job that I like. I referred a friend to the company who has since become a regular employee, and he seems to be happy here.

I was recently told that I'll be receiving a referral bonus, which was a pleasant surprise. My friend approached me and asked me point-blank to split the money with him! I was taken aback. He knows my situation. He has a wife who also works full time, and two kids.

I think he has a lot of gall to put me in a spot like this. The bonus money will be a huge help to me, and I don't think it's right that he expects me to give half of it to him. How do I handle this while keeping our work relationship intact? -- EXTORTED IN NEVADA

DEAR EXTORTED: Ignore your co-worker's question. If the subject is raised again, laugh and tell him you thought he was joking. If he says he wasn't, remind him how hard jobs are to find and tell him he's lucky you didn't ask HIM for a referral fee. You don't owe him anything; he owes YOU his gratitude.