DEAR ABBY: I have been widowed for five years. I have a close friend, "Louise," who was also close to my late husband. She promised him on his deathbed she would "take care of me" when he was gone.

Well, she has taken it to the extreme. She became very controlling and didn't want me doing anything without her. I went along with it to keep the peace until about a year ago, when I met a wonderful man I'll call Bill.

Bill recently moved into my home. Louise says he has no right to live with me here because my late husband had it built and I have no right to let anyone else stay here. Now she refuses to visit. People have repeated to me some of the awful things she has called Bill. We have had many arguments over the hurtful things she has said in my presence.

Bill feels bad about this. He hasn't said or done anything to deserve the treatment Louise is dishing out and has encouraged me to try and work it out. Any advice on how to handle this very stressful situation? -- WIDOW IN SALEM, N.J.

DEAR WIDOW: Yes. Stop trying to appease Louise. She has gone beyond "taking care of you" and is trying to dictate the way you live your life. Bill means well, but you have already tried to get Louise to accept the situation. Because she refuses, perhaps it's time to move on.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a bind when it comes to hostess gifts. I know nothing about wine and am not much interested in learning because most of my friends and I don't drink. I am also allergic to flowers and perfumes, so I would never give anyone flowers, soaps or candles, because if I did I would have to leave the party early.

This leaves me confused as to what is appropriate. Could I give a nice jar of high-quality spice or are there better options? -- IN THE DARK ABOUT HOSTESS GIFTS

DEAR IN THE DARK: A box of assorted chocolates might be nice, if your hosts are sweet-eaters, or matching small- and medium-sized picture frames, or a box of note cards and matching envelopes. However, unless you are certain the spice you select is one your hosts might use, I don't recommend it as a house gift.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single mother supporting four children with no help from my ex-husband. I am fortunate to have a good job that I like. I referred a friend to the company who has since become a regular employee, and he seems to be happy here.

I was recently told that I'll be receiving a referral bonus, which was a pleasant surprise. My friend approached me and asked me point-blank to split the money with him! I was taken aback. He knows my situation. He has a wife who also works full time, and two kids.

I think he has a lot of gall to put me in a spot like this. The bonus money will be a huge help to me, and I don't think it's right that he expects me to give half of it to him. How do I handle this while keeping our work relationship intact? -- EXTORTED IN NEVADA

DEAR EXTORTED: Ignore your co-worker's question. If the subject is raised again, laugh and tell him you thought he was joking. If he says he wasn't, remind him how hard jobs are to find and tell him he's lucky you didn't ask HIM for a referral fee. You don't owe him anything; he owes YOU his gratitude.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 40 years. Like all married couples, we have had our ups and downs, but we have a good marriage. We have two children and five grandchildren.

I wouldn't change anything, except I never had an engagement ring. My husband has bought jewelry for me over the years, but never what I really want -- a diamond ring.

I have hinted to him over the last few years, left jewelry store catalogs and enlisted my sister-in-law to TELL him. He can afford it. But he just won't buy one for me.

He has been financially helpful to our children and is generous to charity. But when it comes to this, it's becoming clear that he thinks I am just not worth it. I feel unloved and deeply hurt. It seems my needs always come last, and this is just one more. Any comments? -- DISENGAGED IN FLORIDA

DEAR DISENGAGED: Yes. Diamonds are minerals that have been marketed to the public to seem like something more. Do not let this negatively affect your relationship with your husband. If a diamond ring is what you want, then consider buying one for yourself. You wouldn't be the first woman to do it, and you won't be the last.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend of 18 months, whom I love with all my heart, just learned an ex-boyfriend passed away. They dated on and off for 10 years, and she's inconsolable.

After their relationship ended, she married someone else and divorced. I am having a really hard time with how she's handling this. Can you please help? -- CURRENT MR. RIGHT IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR CURRENT MR. RIGHT: Your girlfriend may not be mourning the death of her former flame as much as she's grieving a burial of 10 years of her history. Give her time and let her share her feelings with you. If you do, it will bring you closer. Do NOT allow jealousy to enter into the picture. (Remember, the man is dead, and YOU are her future.)

If her deep grief persists, suggest she get grief counseling. That would be the most loving and supportive thing you could do.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem dealing with shopping mall kiosk operators. Many of them are outright obnoxious. They block your way and insist that you listen to their pitch or try their product. I find I have to avoid eye contact with them. They might say something nice as I walk by, but if I answer, it is a guaranteed lead-in to a sales pitch.

I feel bad for not replying, but it's the only way. I know they are trying to make a living, but I can see their product as I walk by. If it's something I'm interested in, I'll stop and ask. Otherwise, I think they should respect my privacy. Am I wrong for feeling this way? -- BOTHERED IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

DEAR BOTHERED: Not at all. If a stranger speaks to you, no rule of etiquette compels you to reply. When one of these salespeople starts to pitch you, all you need to say is, "Not interested!" and keep walking. However, if someone attempts to physically restrain you, it should be reported to the mall management because that is going too far.

DEAR ABBY: My sister has children younger than mine, but the kids all play together frequently. She recently caught them involved in a game of "truth or dare" and a couple of the kids had no clothes on.

While I was surprised to hear it and have spoken to my children about it, it seems to me to be one of those games that kids play. My sister insists it's about dominance and sex and refuses to let my kids play with hers any longer.

I'm heartbroken over her reaction and don't know how to respond. We barely speak anymore. What do you think? -- JUST A GAME? IN IOWA

DEAR JUST A GAME: Whether what happened was because of natural curiosity or about "dominance" would depend on the ages of the children involved. Not allowing the children to play together again seems like an overreaction, but a serious discussion about boundaries should certainly have taken place after the incident.

DEAR ABBY: I started dating my childhood sweetheart when we were in high school. I'm now in college.

My dreams and goals have always been to move from our small town to a big city in another state. The problem is my boyfriend, "Clay," never wants to leave here. He isn't even interested in travel, which is something I would love to do.

I have stayed in our hometown for him. Everyone in my family thinks he's holding me back and isn't being fair. He may not be perfect, but he does make me happy.

I now have an opportunity to move, but Clay refuses to go. Should I go anyway, regardless of what it does to our relationship? Do I take the risk of being happy in a new city by myself, or stay where I know what the ending will be? -- STUCK IN SMALLTOWN, U.S.A.

DEAR STUCK: All of life is a risk. Please listen to your family. I think you know in your heart that you need to experience a little independence. If you don't take advantage of the opportunity you have been given, you will indeed be "Stuck in Smalltown, U.S.A." Forever.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. She is a Realtor and I'm a maintenance worker. I work eight hours a day, five days a week and sometimes on weekends and overtime when needed.

My wife thinks that when I'm off on weekends I should be working around the house. I have tried telling her that those are my days off to do what I prefer or just relax. I do maintenance work all week, and then she expects me to do it on weekends, too? I don't mind it occasionally, but with her it's every weekend. I feel like getting a divorce because of her never-ending demands.

I also play in a band with my friends on Sunday evenings. It's only once a week, but she gives me flak about that, too. I'm at work 40 hours a week and with her every evening except Sunday. I don't fish, play golf, hang out at bars, chase women or have any other hobbies. How can I get her to understand? -- WANTS TO RELAX

DEAR WANTS: Have you told your wife you feel like divorcing her because of her never-ending demands? It might be a way to get her attention.

Tell her that you're willing to fix things around the house one or two days a month, but if her punch list requires more than that, she should hire someone.

And as to your playing in the band -- invite her to come and listen if she wants, but make it plain that you don't intend to stop.