DEAR ABBY: I have been with my partner, "Harold," for 11 years. After gay marriage passed here in Minnesota, Harold told me he didn't want to marry me because of my credit rating. I find this insulting and humiliating. Worse, the day marriage equality passed, we were with some friends of mine, and he bluntly told them, "I don't want to marry him because of his FICO score!" It was very embarrassing.

I have also learned that Harold has been telling anyone he knows some of my private information. What can I say to him to get him to stop revealing things about me to people we don't know well? I have asked him plenty of times not to mention my private life to others, but he still brings up information I'd prefer others not know.

Should I end the relationship? I think in some way if I do, that I'll be better off without him. But after 11 years and all that he's done for me, I'd feel really sad. I'd appreciate any advice you give me. -- FRUSTRATED IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I agree that after all these years you have much time and emotion invested in your relationship with Harold. Although I'm sure he has many virtues, sensitivity and discretion do not appear to be among them. It would be interesting to know if Harold would be willing to marry you if your FICO score improved, or if he's using it as an excuse because he doesn't want a legal commitment.

Even if the two of you did marry, you would still have a partner who lacks discretion about what should be private. If this is important to you, Harold may not be the spouse for you because he isn't likely to change.

Couples counseling could help you decide what to do next. Inquire at your nearest gay and lesbian community center about any seminars it offers for longtime couples on this important subject. Just because people can marry doesn't necessarily mean they should.

DEAR ABBY: Our son recently came to us and confessed that three years ago he'd had an affair with a married woman who had two children. He ran into her recently, and she told him she now has three children, and the most recent one -- age 3 -- is his daughter. She's still married to the man she cheated on, and our son says he's still in love with her.

We told our son that because she says the child is his doesn't necessarily mean it is, and if her husband didn't question the pregnancy, it's possible the child is her husband's. We advised our son to get a paternity test.

Our son is now so angry with us for suggesting it that he won't speak to us. He said if we can't support him and the woman he loves, we should stay out of his life. He said she plans to leave her husband. (It has been three weeks and she's still there.) I think she was just trying to get our son's attention.

Was our suggestion unreasonable? We don't support this kind of behavior or their lack of morals. The woman's husband is the only dad this little girl knows, and he thinks she's his child. Our son needs to know if this is his daughter. What a mess! What do we do next? -- ON THE OUTS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ON THE OUTS: Your suggestion to your son was not only reasonable, it was the same clearheaded advice he would have received from an attorney. What you do next is ... nothing, except letting him know you're there for him if he needs you. This is your son's affair, literally, and he is going to have to deal with whatever consequences are the result.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter "Jenny," her husband, "Bob," and their three dogs live with my husband and me in our home. We live on a fairly busy road. The dogs used to always be leashed when they were taken out. They have now made a habit of letting the dogs out without leashes.

This frightens me. Not only am I concerned about one of the dogs getting hit by a car, but also any legal ramifications if they cause damage to others. I have spoken to my daughter about it, but nothing has changed.

Abby, what can we do to make Jenny and Bob responsible for any damages incurred by their actions? One last note -- one of their dogs was hit by a car and had a long, painful recovery with a very expensive vet bill. -- OUT OF IDEAS IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR OUT OF IDEAS: You have a right to be concerned. Contact your attorney and your insurance broker to find out what the fallout could be for you as homeowners because of your daughter and son-in-law's laziness and carelessness.

Responsible dog owners keep their pets leashed so they won't be hurt by running into traffic or biting a child or an adult they don't recognize as a friend. If your daughter and S.I.L. can't abide by your wishes and behave responsibly, they shouldn't be living under your roof.

P.S. This isn't just about the dogs and liability; it's also about respect for you.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, my extended family found a fun, all-inclusive solution to the grumbling (and expense) of preparing the holiday meal.

Each family is assigned a portion of the meal they are going to prepare. For fun, it has to be a recipe that has never been tried before so no one can fret that it isn't made like Grandma used to make it. The person holding the party coordinates kitchen time, but to be honest, everybody enjoys helping each other out, and the cooks spend most of their time chatting.

We have tried wonderful variations to the traditional turkey, enjoyed an awesome pie straight from the Renaissance, and learned that we will never again try oyster stuffing. Because the recipes are untried, no one feels bad if the dish isn't perfect, and we have tried things we were surprised we liked.

Most important, we do it together and spend the day laughing, talking and catching up, and no one has to be a slave to the day. Hope this will give other people ideas. -- SCOTT IN BALTIMORE

DEAR SCOTT: So do I, because your family has captured the true spirit of the holiday season, which is too often lost because of the pressure people put on themselves to achieve perfection.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and his sister had a falling out after their parents died and haven't spoken for a few years. My husband is very stubborn and holds grudges.

He is very ill now. I have asked him if he wants to tell his sister about his illness, and he says no. I'm not sure how much longer he has left.

I am thinking about going against his wishes and calling her in the hopes that they can make peace. Your thoughts? -- NOT MUCH TIME LEFT

DEAR NOT MUCH TIME LEFT: Depending upon how deep the rift between them is, I do think you should make a confidential phone call and tell her it might be a good idea to call her brother. If she does, the conversation could be healing for both of them. However, if she chooses to ignore the situation, the choice will have been hers, and no harm will have been done.

DEAR READERS: Today, Veterans Day, I would like to thank not only all of you who have honorably served our country, but also those men and women who are on active duty for your service as well. I salute each and every one of you. -- ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law cheated on my sister two years ago. He was caught by the private eye his lover's husband had hired. My sister took him back and has been trying to be "the good wife," but he has never really seemed to be sorry or a changed man.

My problem is I can't stand him. When we get together as a family, I know I'm supposed to be civil and respectful, but I ask myself, "Why?"

I love my sister and the children. The holidays are coming. I'd like to ask him if he's faithful now, but if I did, I know he'd only lie. Can you offer me some advice? -- HOLDING A GRUDGE IN ST. CLOUD, MINN.

DEAR HOLDING A GRUDGE: Yes. For the sake of your sister and the children, please resist the urge to make things more difficult by confronting your brother-in-law. Asking him about his fidelity status would embarrass him and possibly terminate their participation in any visit.

Because your sister is trying to make her marriage work in spite of the hurt her husband has caused, the kindest thing you could do for her and the children would be to make the reconciliation as easy as possible. Tempting as it may be, please don't stir the pot.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 10-year-old girl whose family is divided. My dad brought me up, and I love him. However, my aunt hates him. I don't really know why. Dad tells me she helped my mom argue with him. My aunt is nice to me. They rarely talk to each other anymore.

I don't know which side to take. I don't want to take sides and I don't plan to. My mother died a few years back and my dad took custody. I want to stay neutral, but I don't know who to trust. -- IN THE MIDDLE IN MISSOURI

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Not knowing your father or your aunt, I can't decide this for you. I will point out, however, that when a couple is having a disagreement, it rarely helps if other family members get involved. What happens then is the person with less support feels ganged up on and becomes defensive.

If your aunt makes you feel torn between her and your dad, then what she's doing is wrong. It's OK to love both of them. While I agree that you should remain neutral, your father is the person who is raising you, and he deserves your love and loyalty unless he proves he cannot be trusted.

DEAR ABBY: My beautiful wife and I were a team for many years. She was the brains and I was the brawn. She took care of business matters, taxes and household duties. I did the repairs, vehicle upkeep and took care of the lawn and our garden. She was a computer whiz, while I remained computer illiterate.

As we advanced in age, I made preparations for my demise. I had everything perfectly planned. Then the unexpected happened. My wife died suddenly. I was devastated. Then I realized I was also totally lost.

She had gone completely paperless. I had no knowledge of anything. Some things were filed in the computer and others in the filing cabinet. I didn't know her email address, any account numbers and no passwords. All business transactions stopped completely, and my credit rating plummeted.

It has been a year since her death and I'm still trying to get everything corrected. Please remind your readers that the word "assume" can be a real meanie. -- SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS

DEAR SOMEWHERE: What a sobering letter. Usually the surviving spouse is the wife who was left in the dark. I'm glad you wrote, and I hope your letter will be a wake-up call to couples about sharing information.