DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter was murdered by her boyfriend. They had an 18-month-old daughter, "Bella." All three were living together when he shot her, but we don't know what room Bella was in when it happened.

Another family member (I'll call her Lucy) took Bella into her home, and Bella calls her Mom. Lucy has been taking Bella to the prison to visit her father, but has told her he is her uncle. I told Lucy I thought it would be better to wait until Bella is old enough to understand, then tell her what happened and let her decide whether she wants to visit her father.

Bella went into the closet one day and came out holding a T-shirt with her mother's picture on it, asking, "Who is this?" Lucy's only response was, "You know you aren't allowed in my closet. Take that back!" She never answered the question.

I have a framed photo of Bella's mother on my wall. The last time Bella was here, I noticed her looking out of the corner of her eye and scowling at the picture. I was the only one who noticed.

Bella is now 4, and I can't accept that Lucy thinks it's OK to lie to her. I feel it should be Bella's decision whether to visit her dad. Am I wrong? How should this be handled so Bella isn't traumatized any more than need be? Because of these incidents, I'm almost convinced she should have some kind of counseling, but perhaps she's too young. This is why I desperately need advice, in the best interest of the child. -- BELLA'S GREAT-GRANDMA

DEAR GREAT-GRANDMA: Is Lucy a member of your family or the murderous boyfriend's? I find it hard to comprehend that a family member of the victim would drag a toddler to a prison to visit the lowlife who killed her mother.

I do not think it is healthy to lie to children. This situation will explode when Bella finally learns that the woman she has always called "Mom" isn't her mother, and the man in the orange jumpsuit not only isn't her uncle but killed her birth mother. That poor girl won't know whom she can believe and could have trust issues that affect her relationships for the rest of her life. Does she need counseling now? No. But will she when she finds out about the deception? You bet!

DEAR ABBY: What is your opinion about females and car maintenance? My mother raised me alone and taught me to be independent. She would not let me drive an automatic car until I had mastered driving a standard (stick shift). I was also not allowed to drive until I was able to perform basic, essential tasks -- changing a tire, checking the oil and maintaining all fluid levels.

I am thankful and appreciate that I have these skills. However, I know many women today who can't perform these tasks and would rather make it a "man's job." I think every woman should have these skills. Where do you stand? -- INDEPENDENT LADY IN FLORIDA

DEAR INDEPENDENT LADY: I stand beside you. There is no guarantee that a woman will have a man to "take care" of her -- in fact, the opposite is more likely to be true. However, if she can't learn the basics of taking care of her car, she should be sure that she's a member of AAA.

DEAR ABBY: The other day, while backing out of a parking space, I nearly hit a woman who was walking behind my car with her toddler son. I didn't see them because I was dialing my cellphone and was distracted. The woman rightfully yelled at me to pay attention and get off my phone, and although she was gracious and encouraged me to consider it a "wake-up call," I didn't react as kindly to her out of embarrassment. Instead, I became defensive and didn't apologize, even though it was my fault.

I shudder to think of what might have happened, and I admit this wasn't the first close call I've had. I'm a married mother of two and should know better.

While I can't go back and find her, I hope the woman sees this letter. I want her to know that because of that incident, I now lock my purse and phone in the trunk or place them on the backseat out of reach before I start my car. This way, I avoid the temptation to look at messages or make a call.

I have also asked my kids to keep me accountable by reminding me if I happen to forget. They will be driving in a few years, and I want to set a good example for them.

Please pass this idea along -- especially to moms like me who try to multitask in the car. -- HANDS ON THE WHEEL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HANDS ON THE WHEEL: Your suggestion of placing your purse and phone on the backseat out of reach is a good one. You are really lucky you didn't kill or seriously injure that mother and her child. Regardless of whether or not the woman sees your letter, I hope it will remind other drivers of the danger of driving while distracted.

And while I'm on the subject, I read an article recently that discussed distracted walking. According to U.S. Secretary of Transportation Anthony Foxx, this has caused an increase in pedestrian deaths. In 2011, more than 1,500 pedestrians were treated in emergency rooms because of injuries they suffered while using a portable electronic device.

The safest course of action for drivers and pedestrians is to do only one thing at a time, and to be fully present while doing it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for 13 years, and I often wonder how to fill out questionnaires that ask my marital status. I have recently started checking "single" because enough time seems to have passed, and I don't define myself by my divorce. However, now I'm wondering if there's a certain etiquette recommended. -- STATUS UNKNOWN IN OHIO

DEAR STATUS UNKNOWN: Honesty is recommended. As much as you might like to present yourself that way, you are no longer single. Calling yourself single is dishonest. As someone who has been married and divorced, you are a divorcee -- and you will be until you remarry. Saying you are single is a misrepresentation of the facts.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son-in-law whom I hate to ask questions. He goes into so much detail that I'm always sorry I asked. Is there any way to make him get to the point? -- LIKES IT BRIEF

DEAR LIKES IT BRIEF: Yes. Explain that when he goes into so much detail, you can remember only 10 percent of what he says, so please get to the point. And when he forgets, remind him.

DEAR ABBY: I am fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom. My days are spent doing chores and taking care of the kids. I also volunteer extensively at their schools, but I do find time for other pursuits, such as reading and writing.

My problem is my husband. "Bob" is the kind of guy who can't sit still. When he's home on weekends or taking a day off, he constantly needs to be doing something. This involves projects around the house. Other than spending time online, his hobbies are active ones. Because he's always on the go, he insists I should be equally "productive." He constantly wants to know what I'm doing, and if it's not something he thinks is useful, he becomes passive-aggressive.

Bob initiates big projects and then complains that he gets no help and has no time for himself. He says my volunteerism takes away from time I should be doing things around the house. In addition, Bob is incredibly neat and often insists that our immaculate house needs to be cleaned.

I dread the days he's home because I have to constantly justify my activities or feel guilty if I'm not busy the entire time. Don't misunderstand -- Bob is a great guy, a good dad and my best friend. But I'm afraid I will soon resent him to the point of dislike if I must live my life according to his unrealistic expectations. Any advice other than to seek counseling? -- NOT A LOAFER IN CHICAGO

DEAR NOT A LOAFER: Nope. It appears that your great guy, good dad and best friend is so controlling he makes you miserable when he's home. I agree that if this continues, it will have a negative effect on your marriage. The person who should explain it to him is a licensed mental health professional who can provide the counseling and/or medication he may need, because I suspect he may have OCD.

DEAR ABBY: I reconnected with my dad two years ago. I hadn't spoken with him for almost 10 years, following my parents' divorce. I'm thankful he's back in my life again.

The problem is his wife, "Kathy." Ever since we reunited, I have felt she resented me. It's like she doesn't like sharing Dad with me. She had him all to herself for 10 years, so I guess I kind of understand.

Kathy recently found a job across the country, so she and Dad sold their house and moved away a few weeks ago. Her family lives here and she had job offers closer to home, but she chose the one farthest away. I can't help but feel she did it to put distance between Dad and me, and it hurts me deeply. How do I talk to my dad about it without damaging the relationship? -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN WISCONSIN

DEAR LOVING DAUGHTER: What do you think talking about it to your father will accomplish? You don't know for certain that she accepted the job to separate you and your dad. Remember, he agreed to the move.

The problem with family estrangements is that you can never get back the time you lost. Keep in touch with your father via cards and letters, texts and emails, video chats or other social media -- whatever you and your father are most comfortable with. But I do not advise saying anything negative about Kathy.