DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how you can help me, but I'd appreciate some input. I'm in my 50s and retired from the military.

As a young man, I was so shy I couldn't speak to girls. I joined the military early and came out of my shell, but the demands of military life made it hard for me to meet or date anyone. Most of my adult life in the service has been spent taking care of soldiers' emotional, financial and professional needs so they could do their jobs.

I can't seem to convince women to date me. They say I "have no relationship history" so I don't know how to compromise or share. I can change my wardrobe, I can lose some weight, but I can't change my "history." What on earth do I say or do to convince women (both online and offline) to take a chance with me? I just want a chance to meet a special someone. Please help me. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You are the second longtime bachelor who has asked me this question in the last several weeks! I don't know what pop psychologist came up with the thesis that never-married men are to be avoided. If anything, your letter shows how dangerous it is to make blanket generalizations.

A man like you has much to offer. You are stable, have no bitter ex-wives who will interfere in a relationship, no children who are still trying to "find" themselves or tell you they hate your lady friends, and no alimony. I assume you are financially secure, and after a life in the military, have taken care of yourself physically.

Perhaps you should mention this to the next woman who tells you she doesn't want to date you because you have no "history." You should not hesitate to post your single status on your profile. Intelligent women will want to meet you, get to know you, and be willing to help you create a history together. And those women who aren't willing aren't worth your time.

DEAR ABBY: My partner, "Kevin," and I have been together for 12 years. Although we have a close and loving relationship, one major sticking point has dogged us from early on.

I am 19 years younger than Kevin and very outgoing. I enjoy spending time with friends and socializing. I understand that when one is in a relationship, time spent with friends is reduced. However, if I become friends with someone, Kevin will find something wrong with the person, make unkind comments about them to me and make me feel guilty for wanting to be with them. It could be the person is too loud, too opinionated, has different eating habits than his, etc.

The friend's gender or sexual orientation has no bearing. I have had to forgo friendships over the years because it's just easier to do that than to argue. I love being with Kevin, but I'm not sure what I can do to resolve this challenge. He doesn't feel a need to change. What should I do? -- "DAN" IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR "DAN": Start by recognizing that what Kevin is doing may be a reflection of his insecurity. The more time you spend with someone else, the less you spend with him. He doesn't feel a need to change because his nitpicking has been successful in diverting you from these friendships.

Try this: The next time you become friendly with someone and Kevin starts putting the person down, don't take the bait. Tell him he's entitled to his opinion and if he'd like to join you, he is welcome. If not, you'll see him later. It may help you to establish some independence. Mature adults can do that and still have a healthy relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from "Somewhere in the South" (May 26) who heard someone confess to a crime he had committed at age 12 during one of his Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings. The person asked if he should go to the police. You advised him to talk about it to the "group leader."

Abby, in a 12-step program, there is no formal leader who has a responsibility to report anything to the authorities. There are usually discussion groups led by someone chosen for the night.

I am not condoning what the person did at that young age. It was a horrible act. But 12-step programs are based on anonymity. Reporting what is heard at meetings is completely against what 12-step meetings are all about. It was unfair of you to place responsibility on someone who is there for his own addiction to tell on another group member. -- ANONYMOUS IN THE USA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I received a ton of criticism for my response to that letter. Readers like you wrote to point out that I was misinformed about how these programs work; others berated me for not insisting the writer notify the police immediately.

I was -- and still am -- of two minds on the question. While it would be satisfying to see "justice done," I could not bring myself to recommend going against the principle upon which these 12-step programs that have helped thousands of people is based. Another principle of these programs is that people who have hurt others must make amends for what they have done. However, this is the responsibility of the person who committed the crime -- not someone who overheard mention of it at a meeting. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a member of NA for 26-plus years (drug- and alcohol-free for that entire time). I also work in the field of mental health, where I have certain reporting duties as part of my professional code of ethics. I learned long ago how to separate my professional responsibilities from my membership in NA. If I obtain information about abuse or neglect in the conduct of my profession, then I have a duty to act. Should I overhear something at a meeting, in the mall or some other social setting, I have no specific duty to report. -- CLEAN, FREE AND LIVING LIFE

DEAR ABBY: As a 30-year member, I can say with certainty that some meeting attendees are grandiose and others are mentally ill. I have not infrequently heard disclosures that I later determined to be not true. The advice for members offered by our NA traditions is, "Take what you can use (in one's own recovery) and leave the rest of what one hears at a meeting." -- CHARLES IN ILLINOIS

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer to that letter! Yes, this needs to be reported. If the victim died in that incident, it is a cold case and the boy's parents -- if they are still alive -- would have never had closure. There may be siblings who would want to know what happened to their brother.

I am not a believer that if you confess to murder in NA, AA or with a priest in a confessional that they are bound not to tell. That is hogwash! For some crimes I would say OK, but not something this serious. -- JIM R., LANCASTER, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-divorced woman who has never been good at choosing the men in my life. Two years ago, I met a man who is 12 years my senior. He is sweet, thoughtful and caring, and would do just about anything for me. What started as companionship has turned into a full-blown love affair. The problem is that he is married.

His wife is not well. She has a chronic disease and other medical problems. The way he cares for her is what attracted me to him in the first place. He spends what time he can with me, but mostly he is there for his wife.

I am OK with the situation, as I don't want him to leave her for me. I have tried breaking it off with him, but he gets me to take him back, saying he doesn't know what he would do without me in his life. He is very strong-willed.

Abby, I feel like I'm in the background waiting for her to die so I can take her place as his wife, and I hate this feeling. What should I do? -- GUILTY IN KENTUCKY

DEAR GUILTY: Your feelings are well-founded. You are waiting in the background for this man's wife to die. But what if she doesn't?

You say you have never been good at choosing men, and I have to agree. Please don't think I am unsympathetic, but it's time to ask yourself why you chose to get involved with someone who isn't available except for a few stolen moments. If marriage is what you really want, your priority should be to find a man who doesn't have the kind of previous commitment this one does.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been contacted by an old boyfriend who is now incarcerated. He claims I was the love of his life and he thought about me often after our breakup. He is now asking me to become his pen pal and send him money occasionally.

I have bitter memories of our relationship, so it's hard to believe he cared for me as much as he says. He is begging me not to "abandon" him or forget about him, but I don't want the role of pen pal and provider. How do I share my thoughts without hurting his feelings? -- RELUCTANT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RELUCTANT: If you are smart, you won't respond to him at all. I have printed letters from more than one prison guard who wanted to warn kind-hearted, gullible women that inmates send multiple "solicitations" of this kind in the hope that several of the recipients will send money.

You are not responsible for this man's well-being. Since your breakup, your lives have obviously gone in polar opposite directions. My advice is to keep it that way, for your own sake.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper way to dispose of leftover milk in your cereal bowl? To dump it out is wasteful, to spoon it up like soup seems a bit much, and to drink it right from the bowl seems rather cat-like. Does the answer differ if you are in your own kitchen vs. a restaurant or other residence? -- GOT MILK IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR GOT MILK: If you're in a restaurant, you should not lap liquid from the bowl. If you're at home -- anything goes. And if you have so much milk left in your bowl after the cereal has been consumed, you are pouring too much in and need to adjust the amount.