life

Freeloading Baby Daddy Refuses to Hit the Road

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 22-year-old daughter and her two young children live with me. She doesn't work, which is fine. I don't mind supporting her because I'd rather have the kids see their mom.

I spent most of my life as a single mom, working long hours and not seeing my kids. My work has finally paid off, and I'm at a point where, while not rich, I can support my daughter and grandbabies.

The problem is the baby daddy. He has a history of drug abuse, theft and jail time. He works only part-time jobs, which he loses monthly. He gives my daughter nothing and treats her as if she owes him.

I don't want to support him, but he has moved in and won't leave my house. I have told him to go, that he's welcome to visit the kids, but he ignores me. It's like talking to a wall. He won't even acknowledge that I told him to leave. He acts like he's king of the castle when it's my home! I can't take it anymore. I pay all the bills.

I told my daughter, and she ignores me as well. My oldest son has offered to talk to them for me. I don't want to lose my grandbabies. They are my purpose in life. Please help. -- FURIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FURIOUS: Part of your problem may be the degree to which you enable your daughter. You won't be around forever. She needs to learn to be independent so she can support herself and those children. Clearly, Baby Daddy isn't man enough to be of any assistance.

If he has lived with you for a while, you may need a lawyer to get him out. According to Los Angeles attorney Lee Dresie: "You can get rid of the freeloader by giving him a 30-day 'notice to leave' in writing. It should say, 'You have 30 days to leave my home. If you don't, I will bring an action to evict you.' If he still refuses to go, consult an attorney who specializes in eviction law."

This is Abby again: Be sure you have a witness present when the notice is given so Baby Daddy can't deny receiving it. Your son could be that witness, and yes, he should be asked to lead the discussion on how to resolve this situation.

It is also troubling that the daughter for whom you provide food and shelter is ignoring you. You're treated this way because you don't assert yourself. Please do it before Baby Daddy impregnates her again and you have four people to support.

Family & Parenting
life

Solution For Sweaty Hands

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 27 and have an issue that has bothered me for most of my life. I have overly hot/sweaty hands and feet. When I was dating women, they wouldn't want to hold my hand, which bothered me a lot. Also, my friends sometimes make fun of me for it.

I am entering a profession that will require lots of handshaking with potential clients. This will be an issue for me because I don't want to make a bad impression. Do you have any suggestions? -- SWEATY IN NORTH DAKOTA

DEAR SWEATY: Yes! There is help for your problem, and the way to get it is to talk with a dermatologist. There is a product that can curb the excessive sweating (hyperhidrosis), but a doctor must prescribe it for you. Botox injections could also help, but they should be administered by a physician. There is also a machine used to treat this condition. The dermatologist can help you decide which solution would be the best for you.

Health & SafetyWork & School
life

Awkward Questions About Sons' Adoption Don't Deserve Answers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have two wonderful sons who joined our family through adoption. While we don't broadcast that they are adopted, it sometimes comes up in conversation. When it does, people inevitably ask, "What happened to their 'real' parents?" or, "Why were they given up?"

I know folks are curious, but these comments are hurtful. The details of my sons' lives are private, to be shared as they grow in age-appropriate ways. They know they are adopted, but are too young to know the details surrounding their lives prior to joining our family. I do not want to have an in-depth conversation with every person who asks a nosy question. These questions always seem to come up when the kids are around and I feel unprepared to answer them.

Do you have any suggestions for a witty and confident response that can shut down these questions? I don't want my boys to be ashamed that they were adopted, but I also don't want the details out there for public consumption. -- ADOPTED MOM IN INDY

DEAR ADOPTED MOM: That someone would be so insensitive as to pose those questions in front of the children is disconcerting. While I can't think of a "witty" response that would deter the questioner, I can think of one that would be effective. Look the person in the eye, smile and say, "Oh, that's a long story, but look at what beautiful sons I have. I feel truly blessed."

Family & Parenting
life

Could Flickering Lights Be A Sign

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My parents died when I was a teenager. In the years since I have noticed strange things. While I don't find pennies, I do often see streetlights turn off right before I drive under them. I drive a lot at night and in the early morning because I work graveyard shifts, and it seems to happen almost every day when I go to work or come home.

I guess it could be coincidental. But a friend suggested years ago that it's my parents letting me know they're watching over me. I want to believe, yet I feel skeptical at the same time. Have you ever heard of anything like it? -- LIGHTS OUT IN FEDERAL WAY, WASH.

DEAR LIGHTS OUT: The only time I have heard of anything like what you're experiencing has been when I happened to change channels and come upon a television show about the paranormal. More important than what I believe is what you choose to believe. If the reassurance that your parents are watching over you brings you comfort, then I am all for it.

Death
life

Children Might Enjoy Half-Birthday Parties

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: This idea may appeal to the parents of young children: Celebrate "half-birthdays." (The concept is derived from the "Half-Birthday Song" in "Alice in Wonderland.")

A year to a young child is a long time. In addition to recognizing the joy that he/she was born, it's a start to learning the structure of our calendar. It doesn't have to involve a big party or gifts, just a special activity day with a parent. Our family has observed half-birthdays for 45 years and have found it to be a worthwhile tradition. -- FUN MOM

DEAR FUN MOM: The title of the song you mentioned is actually "The UNbirthday Song," but I'm in favor of anything that will bring parents and children closer. If the household is headed by a single working parent, then I'll bet a grandparent would be delighted for the chance to celebrate that special occasion.

Family & Parenting
life

Embracing Same Sex Marriage May Take Families Some Time

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2013 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Thanks to a change in state law, my partner and I can finally marry. We're now struggling with whether to invite our parents and families to our wedding. While they have been respectful of us together and seemed to love my partner, it has become increasingly obvious that they don't want to really talk about our lives. Specifically, our new right to marry.

No one has said a word to us about the marriage law, even though it dominated the news for months before being passed in May. After prompting, they said they support our having the same rights, but have a problem calling us married.

We are going to be married and have decided to invite only those who sincerely support us to share our special day. Because I'm so hurt by their silence on this, how do I tactfully let them know they aren't invited to the wedding without severing all ties? I'm sure we aren't the only couple facing this new issue. -- NEWLY EQUAL IN MINNESOTA

DEAR NEWLY EQUAL: Invite your family to the wedding. Because they love you and have accepted your partner, they may wish to attend. Remember, the concept of marriage equality is a very new one and not everyone adapts quickly to change. Regardless of whether they have a problem calling you married, the fact is you will be married according to the laws of your state. And that's what is important.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Fiance Changes His Mind On Children

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2013 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I started dating a wonderful man two years ago. We will be getting married in a few weeks and own a house together. He has been a wonderful father to my two children. He loves them very much and the feeling is mutual.

From the start, he knew I wanted to have a child with him, and he said he wanted the same. Last spring I became pregnant by accident, but sadly, had a miscarriage a few months later. When I told him I was pregnant, he was not excited and made comments that caused me stress. After the miscarriage, he acted like nothing had happened, which hurt me deeply because I really wanted that baby.

Now he says he doesn't want a baby anymore -- that he has changed his mind without even considering that I still want one. I'm so lost. Please give me some advice. -- BABY MAYBE? IN PUERTO RICO

DEAR BABY MAYBE?: You and your fiance appear to have a communication problem. Now that you know he has changed his mind about wanting a child with you, you have a right to know why. Discussing this with the counsel of a neutral mediator would be helpful before your trip to the altar.

Because the agreement between you was that you would be enlarging your family, you may need to rethink whether you want to go through with the wedding. If that's the case, you may also need the help of an attorney to separate from him financially because you own property together.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Sister Objects To Delivery Of Present

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 12th, 2013 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: In late January, my sister left a $20 bill at the front desk of my hairdresser's salon and told the receptionist to give it to me when I came in and tell me it was my Christmas present. When I objected to the impersonal manner of the "gift," my sister got mad and told me I was being "ridiculous." We haven't spoken since. Was I wrong to object? -- MAD IN MAINE

DEAR MAD: Obviously, you and your sister aren't close. If she didn't even bother to enclose the money with a card or note, I don't blame you for being miffed, particularly if you customarily exchange gifts.

Family & ParentingMoneyEtiquette & Ethics

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