DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, my husband and I became foster parents to a little girl who had been seriously abused. After we had cared for her only seven months, she was returned to her parents. Shortly after that, the mom signed guardianship over to the grandmother and now the grandmother is considering putting the child back into the system. This is a girl with "difficult" issues.

Although I deeply loved her, the time she was with us was very challenging and hard. Do I sign up for a life filled with uncertainty and give this child a shot at stability? Or do I pray that she will find the perfect home to meet all her needs? -- UNCERTAIN ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAR UNCERTAIN: Only you decide about whether you are up to the challenge of trying to fix this damaged girl. There are no guarantees, and it is no disgrace to admit this is more than you feel you can manage.

However, if you feel that you and your husband can make a difference, it is important that you know you won't be alone in trying to handle her emotional issues. In this country, support systems for children are better than they are for adults. Your county mental health department can guide you, and if there are medical schools nearby, they may sponsor programs to train young psychiatrists who can also help you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 18 years. Our marriage has had its ups and downs. Last year we separated for eight months. We decided to stay married and are now again living together.

I found out not long ago that he slept with my daughter's best friend. I am horrified that he'd do such a thing, because as a teenager she would hang out at our home. I feel that what he did should have never happened.

Although I would like to think our marriage can be repaired, I still have my doubts. Should I feel this way or let the past stay in the past? -- LOOKING FOR ANSWERS IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR LOOKING FOR ANSWERS: Not every woman would forgive an affair that seems this uncomfortably "incestuous." A counselor may be able to help you sort out your feelings, and joint marriage counseling should definitely be considered before you make up your mind.

DEAR ABBY: What is a man's ethical responsibility when he hears of a crime in group therapy?

While attending a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, I heard a man confess that he had dropped a cinder block on a boy's head when he was 12. The man was never arrested for the crime. I can't stop thinking about the boy who was his victim. Should I tell the police? -- SOMEWHERE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR SOMEWHERE: It is the group leader's responsibility to contact the authorities if a group member is a danger to himself or others. If this happened when the man was 12, what would it accomplish to report it at this point? Because this has been preying on your mind, you should talk with the group leader about the matter.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 21-year-old nursing student in college. I'm a "people person" and everyone says I'm easy to talk to. According to my friends, I am pretty, smart, funny, etc., but I have never had a boyfriend.

I was extremely sick throughout high school and during my early college years, and spent a lot of time in and out of the hospital. I missed not only a lot of schooling, but also learning some of the basic social skills most people my age have mastered when it comes to dating. It has been only during the last couple of years that I have been healthy enough to even consider dating, and now I have no clue what to do.

I am naturally friendly and sometimes guys I'm not interested in think I'm flirting with them. However, when I try to flirt with a guy, it never works. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and my friends all gave me different advice. Do you have any tips for me, Dear Abby, on how to let a guy know I'm interested? -- LOSING THE DATING GAME IN FLORIDA

DEAR LOSING: Yes. Be your outgoing, friendly self with everyone. Don't be afraid to smile and make eye contact. That's the way you let others know you're interested. The problem with "trying" to flirt is that it can come across as awkward and aggressive, which can either bring you the wrong kind of attention or scare a man off.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 38 years. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs or chase women. He's a good guy. But ...

Twenty years ago we stopped giving each other gifts on all occasions because he didn't like shopping for me. I let him off the hook and said I didn't really mind. However, on his birthday I take him to his favorite seafood restaurant and bake him his favorite cake. My birthday gets forgotten.

There is a special dessert that I love that is found only at a bakery across town. I have told him for the past 10 years how much I'd love that dessert for my birthday. He has never once bought it for me. I feel it's like he's telling me I'm not worth the time or money. For such a small thing, it hurts my feelings a lot. Am I being silly? -- SLIGHTED IN INDIANA

DEAR SLIGHTED: You're not being silly. You were being silly when you told your husband 20 years ago that you didn't mind if he ignored your birthday and other special occasions, because it wasn't true (or perhaps the effect on you has been cumulative). So, open your mouth and tell your husband -- in plenty of time for your next birthday -- exactly what you want from him. If you don't, you'll get the same thing you have been getting, which is nothing.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 13 and in junior high school. When we all came back after a break we were greeted with the news that one of the students in our class had died. We were only told that the death was "ruled an accident," but nothing else. Is it wrong or disrespectful to speculate what happened to our classmate? -- CURIOUS IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR CURIOUS: Speculating is neither wrong nor disrespectful. When people are given no information, it is normal for them to wonder. After the death of your classmate, I'm surprised grief counseling wasn't offered to help you and your fellow students deal with the loss, because that is what should have happened.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I attended the wedding of the son of some old friends in another state. Rather than buy the young couple a gift, we instead gave them a check for $1,000. Imagine our astonishment when a month later the following arrived in our mailbox:

"Dear 'Loretta' and 'Evan,'

"Thank you for the generous donation. We really enjoyed spending that money. If ever you feel like you have too much of it, we would gladly take it off your hands.

"Love, 'Mason' and 'Candace'"

Abby, my husband and I have worked hard for many years in our business and have been blessed by the Lord. We are not millionaires. We were happy and humbled to be able to share with them -- until we received this. The money wasn't a donation; it was a gift. -- STUNG IN SIOUX CITY

DEAR STUNG: Let's hope the note you received was an unfortunate attempt at humor. While the message may have gone over like a lead balloon and I'm sure the parents would be beyond embarrassed if they knew, at least you received a thank-you for your generosity. I hear from many people who complain that their gifts were not acknowledged at all.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers takes company research presentation books into the restroom with him multiple times a day and spends upwards of half an hour in there with them. The unsanitary implications of this drive me batty.

I am not germophobic, but taking shared materials into the bathroom while you're doing your business is just too much for me. It's not like he's taking in a newspaper that can be tossed out; these are research materials that we must all share!

My co-worker told me I need to "get over it," that this is a "me" issue. Am I crazy or is taking shared workplace materials into the bathroom gross and inappropriate? -- WAITING FOR E. COLI TO KILL ME

DEAR WAITING: You are asking the wrong person this question. You should be asking the head of human resources or your boss.

I'm no germophobe either, but I agree that what your co-worker is doing is extremely inappropriate. You should not have to sanitize your hands after touching anything your co-worker might have touched, but that's what I'm suggesting you do.

DEAR ABBY: I have many problems, but my biggest one is, how do I forgive someone so I can move on with my life?

It would take me forever to tell you everything that has been said and done. Forgiving sounds simple, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Can you help? -- CHALLENGED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR CHALLENGED: If hate and resentment are eating away at you, then it is probably healthier for you to let go of it. Forgiving someone isn't doing something for someone else; it is a gift you give yourself that allows you to move forward with your life. Your religious adviser can help you -- or, if you prefer, a licensed mental health counselor.