DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl. I don't understand why adults tell me to be an independent thinker, to embrace myself, and then put me down for not conforming. Why is it outrageous to come to your own conclusions, speculate, challenge accepted ideas or find your own faith? It would be easier to quietly nod an empty head and smile to please our parents and the adults who influence kids, so they can enjoy superficial satisfaction for how "well" they have raised us.

Should I deny myself as an individual and be pulled along, or is it better to stay quiet and just be who everyone expects you to be? -- INDEPENDENT THINKER IN FLORIDA

DEAR INDEPENDENT THINKER: Independent thinkers are the people who have contributed the most to society. Our most important scientific discoveries were conceived by individuals who chose not to accept conventional thinking. The same is true for religion -- Jesus was an independent thinker.

I'm not sure what kind of conversation you feel the adults in your life are trying to discourage. But people who are deeply committed to their religious faith can feel offended or threatened if their beliefs are challenged. Even though you are an independent thinker, you should be respectful of the beliefs of others.

DEAR ABBY: Around the time of my sister's wedding, she and her fiance, "Greg," tried to get me and their best man, "Bruce," together. They brought him along when they would visit and encouraged us to date. Not long after the wedding we did start dating.

Bruce is a great guy and I enjoy being with him. My problem is, he's my brother-in-law's nephew even though they are close in age. (Bruce's mom is Greg's half sister.)

Am I dating a family member? Are we committing incest? Should we end this relationship? I don't know what is "right." -- WEIRDED OUT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WEIRDED OUT: Bruce is not a blood relative; he is related to you by marriage. That is not the same as incest. If you care about each other, the right thing to do is continue the relationship and see where it leads. "Great guys" can make great husbands.

DEAR ABBY: My husband fathered a child in high school that was placed for adoption. His mother has become very close with the adoptive family and visits often. My husband does not. However, my mother-in-law constantly asks him to go on vacation with her to visit the child. I also found out that she sends the child gifts and signs my husband's name on the cards.

Abby, I feel this is hugely disrespectful not only to me, but also to my husband. He has chosen not to get involved with this child because he doesn't think it's fair to the adoptive family. He also doesn't wish to become attached. We have already told her she is overstepping her boundaries, but it continues to happen. What can we do? -- FRUSTRATED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your mother-in-law may have the best of intentions, but forging your husband's name is dishonest. Sooner or later the child will find out the truth, and the result may be painful. However, there is nothing you can do to control your husband's mother's behavior, so accept it and don't take it personally.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 50-year-old man who is serving time for robbery in West Virginia. Every day I wake up acting as if I am in control and don't have a care in the world. The truth is, I'm scared, lonely and feel totally helpless. All my life I have lived on the dark side of the street, taking for granted the values in life and the love so many people tried to give me.

Two failed marriages and several relationships with good women are over because of my determination to follow an unhealthy dream, not to mention all the friends I have lost as well.

Now as I look around me, there's no one there. No one to love and no one to love me. I never knew until now that chasing that dream would cost me everyone I ever loved.

I know I have made bad choices in life. I deserve the time for the crime I committed. But am I also sentenced to a world of loneliness? Can I ever be loved again and be happy after all the wrong I have done? Is there someone out there who would be willing to give me a chance? Is it too late to start over?

Abby, you have so many answers for so many people, I am just hoping you have an answer for me. -- SERVING TIME

DEAR SERVING TIME: It is never too late to start over. With penitence comes redemption. If you are willing to journey down a different path, the relationships you form along the way will be rewarding, long-lasting and mutual. Because of your criminal record you may have to work harder to gain trust, but I promise you that if you're willing to work at it, it can be done.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-husband, the father of our two children, was retired from the Air Force. He passed away 18 years ago. He had a full military funeral, with draped flag and all. His wife at the time was presented with the flag, which was proper. They had no children.

When she passes on, would it be proper for her family to give the flag to his biological children? After all, they were with him -- as was I -- throughout his entire 22-year military career. When my daughter mentioned it to his wife, she got angry. -- C. IN TEXAS

DEAR C.: Your former husband's wife was entitled to whatever property was left after his demise. The flag is hers to bestow -- or not. I don't know how your daughter's request was phrased, but the woman may have been offended by the way the question was asked. I can't think of any other reason she would become angry.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding a letter you printed Jan. 26 from "Wants to Be Polite." I appreciate the person's sentiments because I, too, want to use good manners and a "You're welcome" or "Have a nice day" is a pleasing reply to hear.

What I do not like is a "No problem" reply to a "Thank you." It does not seem like a sincere response to me. In fact, it sounds like I was expected to be a problem and just happened not to be one. Any thoughts on this? -- ARKANSAS LADY

DEAR ARKANSAS LADY: You may not like hearing it, but you had better get used to it. While "You're welcome" may be more gracious, saying "No problem" reflects a generational shift in the vernacular. And while it may seem jarring, it is intended to be a polite response, so accept it graciously.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to know what the fascination is with putting plugs in one's earlobes. I have seen some as large as half dollar coins. What does the person do if he regrets having done this to his ears? Can the holes be surgically closed? -- UNPIERCED IN SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.

DEAR UNPIERCED: I spoke to James Wisniewski of the Body Electric Tattoo piercing studio in Los Angeles. He told me that, as with any type of body modification, the ear plugs are a matter of personal taste.

The process is referred to as "stretching," and James has had his earlobes this way for the past 14 years. He says he is asked about the procedure on a daily basis. He is attracted to it for the aesthetics. The modification is a gradual process, with larger jewelry being inserted as the hole becomes larger.

James recommends consulting a plastic surgeon if someone decides to have the hole closed because new tissue is grown as a result of the earlobe stretching. The extra skin may have to be removed in the same way as after a major weight loss.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and I want to start writing a book about things I have been through in my life. My family is all for it, but my friends are against it. I am torn about what I should do. I feel if I write this book it will help kids my age who may have been through some of the same things I have.

Should I go through with it or not because my friends think it's a stupid idea? I know I'm not exactly the smartest person and getting a publisher is difficult, but does that make it a stupid idea to try? What should I do? -- CONFLICTED IN INDIANA

DEAR CONFLICTED: Your reason for wanting to write a book is a valid one and you should proceed with it regardless of what your friends think. It will help you organize your thoughts, and if you show your chapters to your English teacher, you can effectively sharpen your writing skills.

Worrying about a publisher now is putting the cart before the horse. While it might be helpful for other teens to read, I promise you that even if the book isn't published, it will become a treasured time capsule containing the thoughts that were important to you during this formative period of your life. Some people your age start writing in diaries or journals and continue doing it throughout their lives.

DEAR ABBY: What is the correct response when asked at a doctor's office or hospital if you drink? I drink socially, maybe once a month. Should I say yes? If I do, I'm afraid it will imply that I drink more often.

I always end up feeling awkward and like I need to explain myself. I'm pretty proud telling them I don't smoke or do drugs, but the alcohol question always gets me. What do other people who drink on occasion usually say? -- FILLING OUT THE FORMS IN OHIO

DEAR FILLING: In my doctor's office I was asked that question, and my response was, "Yes, occasionally." At that point, the follow-up question was, "How many drinks do you have a week?" Because this particular question makes you uncomfortable, mention to your physician that you indulge in alcohol only about once a month -- which is practically negligible.