DEAR ABBY: My hair falls nearly to my waist, and I go to great lengths to maintain it and keep it free of split ends.

Many of my friends, both male and female, have grown out their hair over the years and donated it to cancer charities. While I think it's a beautiful act of selflessness, I have never felt the calling to donate my hair.

I have recently been criticized for wanting to keep my long hair for myself and have been called selfish and a hypocrite. Abby, cancer runs in my family. I donate money and volunteer for my local Relay for Life every year. When I explain this to my "attackers" -- some of them good friends -- they look the other way and say I'm "horrible" because I won't cut my hair and give it to those in need.

I cut my hair very short 10 years ago and regretted it. Now I'm feeling pressured to do it again. How do I get my message across to these people without sounding defensive or snobby? -- RAPUNZEL IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RAPUNZEL: I think I detect a twinge of jealousy in the "good friends" who imply you are being selfish or hypocritical for not donating your lovely locks. It would be neither defensive nor snobby to smile and reply: "We all must decide for ourselves how we will support the charities that are important to us. I have chosen to donate in other ways."

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Keoni," for five years. We have a healthy relationship. However, when we go out to the grocery store, the doctor's office or the mall, women constantly question his ethnicity, which is Hawaiian. Then, without fail, they'll proceed to tell him (and me) how handsome, beautiful or gorgeous he is.

Keoni does nothing to make me feel less than pretty myself, but these frequent comments from strangers have started to make me feel insecure about my own appearance. How do I accept these compliments without resentment? -- KEONI'S GIRLFRIEND IN FLORIDA

DEAR GIRLFRIEND: What may be upsetting you is that these women ask your boyfriend inappropriate questions and appear to be coming on to him. Face it, your boyfriend is exotic. If you were in Hawaii, he wouldn't be exotic -- you might be. The next time this happens and someone raves about his good looks, remember that Keoni's with you, not her. But if she's pushy, "suggest" she move to Hawaii and get "lei-ed."

DEAR ABBY: Are hugs the new handshake? I am encountering more and more people who, instead of shaking hands when they see you (or say goodbye), want to hug. I understand it if you are close friends, but frequently it's a business acquaintance.

The two most recent examples were when I went to meet with my mother's minister to arrange her funeral. I had never met the man, but he wanted to hug upon meeting me. Yesterday, I saw a new eye doctor for the first time. As I was leaving, I put out my hand to shake his. He said, "Oh, I like to hug!" When I stepped back and told him, "I'm not a huggy person," he seemed offended. Any suggestions? -- STANDOFFISH SUE

DEAR SUE: The minister may have thought that having just lost your mother, you could have used the hug. Many people welcome that kind of comfort. Personally, I agree that the eye doctor's behavior was presumptuous. If you continue to patronize him, my recommendation is to stand out of reach.

DEAR READERS: It's April Fools' Day, the day on which I share some offbeat letters and examples of readers' efforts to pull my leg. It's all in fun -- so enjoy!

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married almost 10 years. He has always been a good husband, but recently he has been coming home increasingly late. He says he's putting in overtime.

The other day when I was doing the laundry, I discovered a red stain on his underwear. He said they were painting the bathroom at work and he had gotten paint on it when he used the facilities, but it looks more like lipstick to me.

Can you tell me how to get the lipstick out of his shorts? -- GOOD HOUSEWIFE IN UTAH

DEAR GOOD HOUSEWIFE: There's more to marriage than getting whiter whites. You may be a great housewife, but you're missing the big picture. More important than getting the lipstick out of his shorts is keeping his shorts away from the lipstick. And that's no joke.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend just moved in, and we're going to have a party to celebrate. We have decided to have it here, but the problem is we have just one bathroom.

I think we should rent a porta-potty. We could put it in the hallway next to the dining room. My girlfriend thinks that's tacky, but I think it's a sensible solution. Because this is a fourth-floor walk-up, the porta-potty folks may charge extra to deliver it. Advice, please? -- TOM AND NANCY IN NEW YORK

DEAR TOM AND NANCY: Gladly. Charge for the use of the porta-potty and two things will happen: You will make enough money to reimburse yourself for the delivery cost, and so few guests will accept your invitations in the future that your one bathroom will be able to accommodate them.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I and our teenage son came home from a family get-together, and after he went to bed, my wife told me she wants to get a new, "bouncier" bed. We don't want to wake up our son with the noise of our enjoying it. What kind of bed do you recommend? -- MR. ROMANCE IN OREGON

DEAR MR. ROMANCE: Forget the bed and buy a trampoline. And if your son asks why, tell him you're training to join the circus.

DEAR ABBY: How can I give my boyfriend makeup sex if we never have an argument? -- MISS BLISS IN INDIANA

DEAR MISS BLISS: That's a good question. If you figure out the answer, let me know.

DEAR ABBY: I am a married man dating a married woman. She's the love of my life. My girlfriend is sweet, kind, has a caring heart and is very much a lady.

We often sneak away for romantic weekends, where we laugh and enjoy being together and forget our daily routines. Sometimes I'll stop and watch her while she shops or talks to people and admire how beautiful she is. The twinkle in her eyes is as close as I can get to the stars in the sky. I adore her and plan to be with her for the rest of my life.

And one more thing: My girlfriend is also my bride of 40 years! -- ONE LUCKY GUY IN TENNESSEE

DEAR LUCKY GUY: Normally I'd advise you to try to turn your wife into the love of your life, but you're ahead of me!

DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is very ill. She's not expected to survive. She has a 1-year-old daughter, "Whitney," and a husband who isn't particularly interested in parenting once his wife is gone. My husband and I have a 3-year-old, and my husband would like to have more children. I love this relative and the little girl, but I'm not interested in raising another child. I'm fine with just one.

My husband feels we have the love and resources to provide Whitney with a good life. I respect the fact that he feels this way, but I work full time. I am also in my mid-40s and already feel overwhelmed being the parent of one child. I enjoy my current lifestyle and being able to travel some. Although we will be fine financially, our lifestyle would be greatly impaired.

My husband says I'm selfish for not wanting to share my good fortune. He may be right, but I feel that if I'm talked into taking her, I'll be unhappy and resentful. Please advise. -- ONLY WANTS ONE

DEAR ONLY WANTS ONE: Children need love and attention from the adults who parent them. While your husband has that to offer Whitney, you do not. Because you would be unhappy and resentful if your husband talks you into adopting her, it would be better for you and Whitney if someone who really wants a child, and is capable of providing the love and support a child needs, took her.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired from teaching high school biology after 39 years. The last year I taught, some of my students said I was the "youngest" teacher on the faculty -- not chronologically, but in the way I talked to them. I treated them as important, as equals. Being around high school students all those years kept me young.

Since my retirement, I can no longer do the thing I loved best: teach biology. However, I am keeping my commitment to staying young. Last summer I bicycled 500 miles across Kansas. I do nine hours of dance exercise and aerobics a week, paint with oils, do photography and am starting to relearn the guitar. I may be in the early stages of Parkinson's disease, so I want to do everything I didn't get to do when I was younger while I still can.

I think too many people are busy being old. Most of my former classmates and friends have died. Many younger people can't do what I do. Some of them tell me I should "act my age" and "learn to be old." But what I'm doing keeps me young, and if I look silly doing it, so be it. I feel more fit now than when I was 21. If I die in an aerobics class it will be a lot better than doing it slumped in a chair. What are your thoughts on this? -- LIVING WELL IN WICHITA

DEAR LIVING WELL: As long as you are living a full life and enjoying what you're doing, you should ignore those "helpful" individuals who tell you to "act your age" and "learn to be old." It has been awhile since I have read such nonsense.

You have been blessed with health, vitality and an inquiring mind. Life is too short to waste a second of it. When you're old and infirm you will know it, so don't let anyone rush you.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A happy Easter to all of you!