DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is very ill. She's not expected to survive. She has a 1-year-old daughter, "Whitney," and a husband who isn't particularly interested in parenting once his wife is gone. My husband and I have a 3-year-old, and my husband would like to have more children. I love this relative and the little girl, but I'm not interested in raising another child. I'm fine with just one.

My husband feels we have the love and resources to provide Whitney with a good life. I respect the fact that he feels this way, but I work full time. I am also in my mid-40s and already feel overwhelmed being the parent of one child. I enjoy my current lifestyle and being able to travel some. Although we will be fine financially, our lifestyle would be greatly impaired.

My husband says I'm selfish for not wanting to share my good fortune. He may be right, but I feel that if I'm talked into taking her, I'll be unhappy and resentful. Please advise. -- ONLY WANTS ONE

DEAR ONLY WANTS ONE: Children need love and attention from the adults who parent them. While your husband has that to offer Whitney, you do not. Because you would be unhappy and resentful if your husband talks you into adopting her, it would be better for you and Whitney if someone who really wants a child, and is capable of providing the love and support a child needs, took her.

DEAR ABBY: I am retired from teaching high school biology after 39 years. The last year I taught, some of my students said I was the "youngest" teacher on the faculty -- not chronologically, but in the way I talked to them. I treated them as important, as equals. Being around high school students all those years kept me young.

Since my retirement, I can no longer do the thing I loved best: teach biology. However, I am keeping my commitment to staying young. Last summer I bicycled 500 miles across Kansas. I do nine hours of dance exercise and aerobics a week, paint with oils, do photography and am starting to relearn the guitar. I may be in the early stages of Parkinson's disease, so I want to do everything I didn't get to do when I was younger while I still can.

I think too many people are busy being old. Most of my former classmates and friends have died. Many younger people can't do what I do. Some of them tell me I should "act my age" and "learn to be old." But what I'm doing keeps me young, and if I look silly doing it, so be it. I feel more fit now than when I was 21. If I die in an aerobics class it will be a lot better than doing it slumped in a chair. What are your thoughts on this? -- LIVING WELL IN WICHITA

DEAR LIVING WELL: As long as you are living a full life and enjoying what you're doing, you should ignore those "helpful" individuals who tell you to "act your age" and "learn to be old." It has been awhile since I have read such nonsense.

You have been blessed with health, vitality and an inquiring mind. Life is too short to waste a second of it. When you're old and infirm you will know it, so don't let anyone rush you.

TO MY CHRISTIAN READERS: A happy Easter to all of you!

DEAR ABBY: There's this guy I like, "Joey." My sister likes him, too. Joey and I are not dating, although we are very close friends. My sister (of course) decided to ask him out on a date. I'm so upset with her. It has been two days since their date and I'm still not talking to her.

I can't believe she asked him out when she knew I was about to. I don't want to ruin our relationship, but Joey is now into her. Please give me some advice before I do something terribly wrong. -- CAN'T TAKE IT IN FLORIDA

DEAR CAN'T TAKE IT: If your sister jumped in knowing you were interested in Joey, it was sneaky and wrong. But you have nothing to gain by declaring war over it. Keep your options open and bide your time. With luck, their romance will blow over -- and when it does, if you have maintained your position as Joey's "close friend," you can make your move then. It may take nerves of steel, but I have faith in you, and it will be worth it in the long run.

DEAR ABBY: My niece is being married soon on the East Coast. My husband and our two teenaged children have been invited to attend. We cannot afford the multiple airfares and the cost of hotel accommodations that attending this wedding would require.

We don't look poor and we don't act poor, but money is very tight right now because we're paying for the last semester of our third child's college tuition. I had already sent a lovely shower gift to my niece.

How can we gracefully decline the invitation without offending anyone? We also have household repairs that have to be attended to. -- JUST DON'T HAVE IT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR JUST DON'T HAVE IT: As I see it, you have two choices -- respond by saying you have a "conflict," or tell these relatives you would love to be there, but with the cost of a college education these days, you can't swing it. (I vote for the latter.)

DEAR ABBY: I lost my mom last year. It was unexpected, and my father and I are still hurting. Mom had a friend who never fails to tell me how the loss of her mother and her husband was much more painful for her than my loss. Every time I have the unfortunate luck of answering the phone when she calls, she'll ask how I'm doing, then launch into how hard it was on her and I don't know the true pain that she does.

I am sick of people telling me they understand how I feel and what I'm going through. No one knows the depth of what I'm experiencing, except maybe my sibling. I moved back home to take care of my wonderful mother. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything and she was never judgmental. I love her and I hurt from her loss.

Please tell people when offering condolences to just listen and be there. That's what anyone who suffers a loss needs more than anything. Do not compare your pain to theirs.

And Abby, please know how sorry I am for the loss of your own dear mother, and thank you for letting me vent. -- HOLE IN MY HEART IN OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.

DEAR HOLE IN YOUR HEART: I'm sorry for your loss, too, and you're welcome. Please know that no rule of etiquette says you have to listen to that woman's insensitive prattle. The next time she starts, it is perfectly acceptable to stop her cold and tell her that when she compares her pain to yours she is being insensitive, and that if she does it one more time you will hang up. Clearly, she is not calling to see how you're doing; she is calling to dump. There are times when you must protect yourself, and this is one of them.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been dating for several months. He's fun and caring, and we spend a lot of time together. He's different from other boys I have dated. We can talk to each other about anything.

My only concern is our relationship physically. He makes it very clear that he wants to go all the way with me. He isn't rude or pushy about it. I don't want to rush into anything. We are both virgins (he does have more experience), and while I have known him for a long time, I don't know him as well as I'd like.

I want to wait until we have dated for at least six months. He says he respects my decision and says he doesn't want to pressure me. I still feel a little rushed. All of our friends have had sex, but I don't want it to be about our hormones in the heat of the moment.

I hate saying no to him. I know he won't leave me, but I feel bad for leaving him frustrated. Would it be wrong to agree to having sex with him -- something we both want -- even if I don't know if we're ready for the next step? -- UNSURE IN CANADA

DEAR UNSURE: Yes, it would be wrong. The first time you have sex it should be because you are 100 percent sure you are ready, and he is the right person. If that's not the case, you will be cheating yourself.

And as for feeling guilty because you are leaving him frustrated -- I have a solution. Socialize with him in group settings and spend less time alone together. That way there will be less frustration for him and less temptation for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother raising a 15-year-old son. For most of his life it has just been the two of us. I now regret that I put him in bed with me when he was a baby. As he grew older, I encouraged him to sleep in his own bed, but it would last only a few nights, and then he would sneak back into my room.

I was married for three years when he was around 11, and he'd sneak into my husband's and my bedroom after we were asleep and sleep on a couch in there.

His problem is he is terrified of the dark and believes in ghosts, monsters, etc. He says he has a phobia and I believe him. I tried getting a dog for him to sleep with and night-lights, but nothing worked. If I lock him out, he lays awake all night, scared to death.

I kept thinking he would grow out of this, but he hasn't. Please help. I can't really afford therapy, but if you think he needs it, I will try. -- TROUBLED IN ARIZONA

DEAR TROUBLED: Some sessions with a psychologist who specializes in phobias would be the quickest way to help your son overcome his problem. And when you consult with one, I am sure the therapist will recommend that your son stay away from violent video games, and movies or television shows that feature ghosts, monsters or anything else that goes "bump" in the dark because they could only increase his fears.

DEAR ABBY: I'm different from other girls. I don't wear girly clothes. I prefer dark clothes and makeup. My mom thinks I'm strange because I dress differently. Do you think I look like a freak for not conforming, or is there nothing wrong with being different? -- DIFFERENT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR DIFFERENT: I would never call you a "freak" because of your attire. It is common for young people to express their individuality by their dress, hairstyle and makeup. There is, however, a point when a person's style choices can be limiting.

My question for you would be, "Are you getting the kind of attention you want from presenting yourself this way?" The answer should determine how you choose to dress.