DEAR ABBY: I'm convinced my father's wife killed him and I don't know where to turn. He had fought complications from quadruple bypass surgery for a few years, and had been in hospice for months prior to his death. My siblings and I didn't put all the pieces together until afterward.

Although I'm sure Dad was killed, based on facts and discussions with social workers, I'm pretty sure it was assisted suicide, which is illegal in most states, including the state where he lived. I feel cheated and angry at my father's wife for not having the guts to talk to us about his plans, and Dad for relying on her to tell us when she never had a good relationship with any of us. I'm also angry with myself for not stopping what I witnessed as it happened before my eyes. How could I have been so blind?

It has been several years now, and I still feel guilty for letting it happen, although I'm not sure how I could have stopped it. Your thoughts would be appreciated. -- ANGRY SON IN GEORGIA

DEAR ANGRY SON: I'm sorry for your pain and anger, emotions that are not uncommon when a loved one dies. But for your own sake, accept that if your father had an advance health care directive, and trusted his wife to carry it out, then she was following his wishes. While today's medical interventions can prolong someone's life, they can also prolong death.

Hospice offers grief counseling for family members for a period of time after a death occurs, and you and your siblings should have received some. It would have helped you to stop blaming the wife, and let go of any negative feelings so you could go on with your life. And that, I assure you, is what your father would have wanted.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Mary" was in a car accident when she was in her 20s that left her with some brain damage. She appears normal, but has trouble with interpersonal relations, boundaries and impulse control. Overall, her behavior varies from acceptable to belligerent. When she was evaluated by professionals years ago, our family was advised to set standards for her behavior as near to normal as possible.

When we go to restaurants, Mary has a hard time deciding what to order, often engaging the server in an uncomfortable, long conversation about the alternatives. When her meal arrives, she is rarely satisfied with her choice and makes a scene over her dissatisfaction to the server. If we try to intervene, she becomes even more belligerent.

She looks forward to going out and we love her dearly. We would hate to exclude her from these family outings, but we don't know what to do. Can you help? -- IMPOSSIBLE TO DIGEST IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR IMPOSSIBLE TO DIGEST: Because you were told to "set standards" for your sister as near to normal as possible, that's what you should be doing. Before you take her out for a meal, explain to her what the ground rules are. If she acts out, do as you would with an unruly child and leave the restaurant until she regains control of herself.

Because of her impairment, she may need extra help with her menu choices. Luckily, many restaurants now post their menus online. If you print one out and go over it with Mary, you might be able to make the process of ordering easier for her. I can't promise it will work, but it's certainly worth a try.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife cheated on me five years ago. She ran off with a nonworking criminal type and has been bouncing from place to place with this bozo ever since.

When they and their 3-year-old became homeless two weeks ago, all of a sudden she showed up at my door shoeless and with their son in a diaper. She said her boyfriend was abusive and asked to stay with me until she finds a place. I agreed under the provision that she not see this guy.

I am a hard-working single father of two. I know my heart is two sizes too big for my own good sometimes, and I don't want to be taken advantage of. Abby, did I make the right choice? Or should I have told her she was not welcome and turned her and her son away?

I really feel I shouldn't have to help her, and she should rely on her loser boyfriend -- who she has started seeing again. I need guidance and your expert advice. Am I an idiot? -- CONFUSED

DEAR CONFUSED: You're not an idiot; you're a pushover. Your ex has already broken the agreement she made when you let her in. The situation is not going to get better; it will only become more complicated.

You have helped her for two weeks. Now it's time to direct her to a shelter that can help her get her life back together and give her son a stable home. Your responsibility for her welfare ended when she left you for another man.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Cafe Crazy" (Jan. 4), about the woman changing the baby on the restaurant's table. You advised that she should have taken the baby to the ladies' room to change it on a changing table there, and if there wasn't one, there should be.

I am a stay-at-home father and many times have had to resort to an awkward changing table alternative to accomplish the task (though never a restaurant table) as there are very few changing tables in men's rooms. In these dynamic, diverse and changing economic times, the ability to stay home and raise my children has been awesome, and I would do it over again in a heartbeat. It has been hard, however, because society still assumes that raising children is a woman's job. Not only should there have been a changing table in the ladies' room, but also one in the men's room.

Abby, please help us proud papas to raise our children with the same facilities allowed the mommas of the world! -- GRANT IN SUNNYVALE, CALIF.

DEAR GRANT: I apologize, and I'm glad to have the opportunity to not only help fathers everywhere to raise their children, but also to raise consciousness where it is needed.

Since the letter from "Cafe Crazy" was printed, I have heard from parents of both sexes, as far away as Denmark. Although some men's restrooms are equipped with changing tables, not all are -- and they should be. Another solution is a "family" restroom; however, many establishments have neither the money nor the room to install a third one.

DEAR ABBY: Something has been bothering me and I'd like your opinion. If a group of people goes out to eat together, and no one wants to order dessert except one person, is it rude for that person to keep everyone else waiting and watching while he/she orders and eats the dessert? -- CHECK, PLEASE

DEAR CHECK, PLEASE: It's not rude if you first ask the others in the group if they would mind, and they wanted to chat over coffee.

DEAR ABBY: I need help and I can't talk to anyone I know, so I'm pouring my heart out to you. My husband is addicted to online porn. Our sex life has suffered massively because of it. He seems uninterested in sex with me. I had a feeling that it might be something or someone else.

My woman's intuition told me there had to be a reason for him turning to porn, so I checked our computer's history log and found he has been surfing gay porn. He does watch straight porn, but now peppers it with male-on-male porn as well.

It has shattered my world. I don't know what to think or what to do. I can't discuss this with my family. They would never view him in the same way again. Help! -- J. IN BRIGHTON, ENGLAND

DEAR J.: Your husband may be curious, bisexual or have discovered (late) that he is gay. It happens. You need to have a frank conversation with him. Remain calm, stay strong and remember that you, too, are entitled to a sex life. You have nothing to lose by discussing this, and everything to gain.

If you need more help afterward, consider going online and contacting the Straight Spouse Network at www.straightspouse.org.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in therapy for four years. I like my therapist, who has helped me immensely. However, over the past year she has become increasingly tardy in keeping her appointment times.

I understand there are sometimes emergencies, but being a half-hour late every week is excessive. I feel it is disrespectful to me. She keeps saying I just don't understand.

How can I get across to her how frustrated I am? Or do I need to find a new therapist? -- BY THE CLOCK IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR BY THE CLOCK: Tell your therapist exactly how this is affecting you and ask what her problem is. She owes you an explanation.

I agree that being late for your appointment is disrespectful if it happens regularly. You may need to find another therapist. If that's the case, be sure to tell her why you are leaving. It takes courage to be assertive, but it will help you in your personal growth.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me with a delicate situation between me and my husband of seven years.

For our 20th anniversary, my first husband gave me a diamond anniversary ring. After running across it again, I have recently started wearing it.

My husband is very offended that I have chosen to do this. I wear it on the middle finger of my left hand. (The knuckle on my right hand was broken when I was a teen and it won't fit on that hand.)

I have tried explaining that there is no sentimental reason for wearing the ring. It's just a beautiful piece of jewelry. He doesn't want me to wear it at all, but I do. Do you have any advice? -- LIKES THE SPARKLE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR LIKES THE SPARKLE: While the ring may be just a beautiful piece of jewelry to you, to your husband it may symbolize the 20-plus years you spent with someone else. Ask if he would mind if you had the stones in the ring remounted into something you could wear on your right hand -- or consider selling it and using the money to buy another piece of jewelry that would be less threatening to your current spouse.