DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I have DeQuervain Syndrome and arthritis, which cause excruciating pain in my hands and wrists. I sometimes wear medically prescribed braces for the condition. Other times, I don’t need to wear braces. Certain motions, including gripping, twisting, and shaking hands cause huge pain flare-ups and weakness. I also have an immune condition that necessitates that I avoid germs when possible.

I have been in professional and personal situations where it is customary to shake hands. Even when I’m wearing my braces (on both hands), people still feel the need to try and shake my hand. How do I politely decline shaking hands without explaining my medical condition or making excuses? How else can I handle this situation? I’m tired of shaking hands just to be PC and suffering the consequences. --- LOSING MY GRIP

DEAR LOSING MY GRIP: I’ve known others in your situation, and it is not an easy one to deal with.

The Arthritis Foundation has some interesting options for those suffering with hand and wrist disabilities. At least two seemed pretty viable tactics I can see working in many situations. The first is to initiate the handshake yourself by taking the other person’s right hand in both of yours and giving a light squeeze. The other suggestion I like is to make sure your hands are “full” when it’s introduction or greeting time by holding objects that you can easily manage, even on particularly painful days. I’d further refine this second technique by suggesting you use your prop tissue to apply to your “runny” nose.

My other recommendation is, if you haven’t already, have a candid talk with your doctors and/or physical therapists. They often have tips they’ve picked up from other patients, which have the added benefit of getting the stamp of approval from medical professionals.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My sister heard a sermon that advised “bouncing” one’s attention away from unpleasant thoughts, and I think that’s a great premise. The problem for me, however, is that she now “bounces” conversations away from topics she deems stressful or unpleasant. Even more of an issue, she makes no transition, just “bounces” to a new topic without warning. 

We recently spent two weeks together, and I found her strategy maddening. She’s a caretaker who spins a hundred plates to keep everyone happy (which is at the root of her “bouncing” topics, I think), so it’s hard to oppose her without looking like the bad guy. Still, every time she “bounced” from something I was talking about that she didn’t like, I ended up feeling unheard and rejected. I’m sure she doesn’t intend this effect, but that didn’t mitigate my response. 

We’re together as a family fairly often, so I’d love some words to use, either privately or as it happens, the next time she “bounces.” --- FLAT-FOOTED SISTER

DEAR FLAT-FOOTED SISTER: I agree that in theory, “bouncing” from unpleasant or unwanted realities sounds like a potentially useful coping strategy, but it also opens the door to never resolving anything that needs resolution. There are times when the only way to overcome or put an issue solidly behind you is by facing it directly, and from what you wrote, it sounds like your sister is in full evasion mode, especially since she doesn’t stay with any topic that disturbs her.

You might try getting her alone and explaining that not only do you find conversations with her difficult and frustrating, but you’re concerned she isn’t facing up to some situations that could be improved, rather than denied. Let her know you’re worried that she may be harming herself or those for whom she cares by not confronting issues that could benefit from direct action.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I was only dating my new wife for a short time before we got married. Her sister and her husband were, I think, high school sweethearts, so they were together for nearly five years when they got married. They call my mother-in-law and father-in-law “Mom” and “Dad,” but I feel weird because while we were dating, they always had me call them by their first names.

It upset my wife when I told her I was kind of weirded out by calling them Mom and Dad, since that’s what I call my parents, and as much as I like my in-laws, they’re not my parents.

Oddly enough, I have no problem calling my wife’s grandmother “Gran” like my wife and her family do, but with her parent’s it’s a different story.

Is there anything wrong with my continuing to call them by their first names? --- NEW SON-IN-LAW

DEAR NEW SON-IN-LAW: You need to not only share your reservations with your wife, but also bring them up to your new in-laws. They might be fine with you continuing to call them by their given names, or perhaps some other parental nomenclature could be settled on if they’re not.

Once you and your in-laws clear the air, it should set your wife’s mind at ease as well.