DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an average looking man, and I think this means I’ll only ever pair up with average looking women. Because studies have shown that assortive mating is real. Meaning that people tend to partner up with people of similar attractiveness as them. These are peer reviewed studies.

I don’t know if there’s a way to beat the odds or whether it’s even possible to. It seems like there’s just a looks-based caste system that you can’t break out of without a s--t ton of luck.

Too Median To Matter

DEAR TOO MEDIAN TO MATTER: You know, I always love (not really) when I get letters from people that say “Science says…” about dating, but who then never actually go on to cite the actual studies or reports they’re referring. Nor, for that matter, do they include enough information to actually, y’know, track down which studies they mean.

Leaving aside that this leads me to think that the source was a study from Dude, Trust Me University or Dr. ChatGPT, the rare times that people do post a particular study, it becomes clear that they didn’t actually read it beyond someone else’s summary. The conclusions people derive tend to have very little to do with the study’s conclusions and usually involves either overlooking the way the data is misunderstood, small sample sizes, poor-to-non-existent controls, self-report surveys, the authors saying “the results are within the margin of error and so are indicative of more experimentation” and occasional straight up P-hacking.

So I went and did some checking myself and found “A Comprehensive Meta-Analysis Of Human Assortative Mating In 22 Complex Traits” by Tanya B Horwitz and Matthew C Keller – published in 2022 in the journal Nature Human Behavior. One of the things they talk about is that assortive mating is a known phenomenon, in humans as well as in non-human animals, but the extent to how much of it is direct and indirect is overstated. For example, many of the phenotypic homogamy (that is: preferring similar traits) are indirectly influenced by things like job choice or social class strata, rather than nature.

They also note that there’s a lot of differentiation in results between the studies in the meta-analysis – that is, the studies don’t show the same results, which you would expect if this were a matter of pure instinct and preference. The authors point out that a lot of assortive mating is affected by things like cultural norms, especially around dating; class mobility and social stratification; population size and population mobility, among other things. All of this is rather intuitive if you think about it; if you live in a place with a relatively small population, a restrictive culture around dating and don’t have the financial resources to move to a place with a larger population, your choices will be limited.

But what’s most interesting – and the most relevant to your letter, TMTM, are the traits that are correlated with assortive mating… and they aren’t looks. In fact, things like waist-to-hip ratio and body mass index are among the lower end of correlation. The traits that are most strongly correlated with assortive mating are… education, religiosity, political values, how much you drink and whether you quit smoking.

The strongest correlation of physical qualities was height – which, I’d point out is between people of similar heights, not women excluding short kings – and even that was on par to generalized anxiety disorder.

It’s worth noting that – as the authors point out – many of these correlations are the result of “indirect selection”; selecting for similar levels of education as a result of how many of people meet their partners through work or because they work in related fields, for example. But it’s also worth noting how many of these correlations are about compatibility in lifestyle or values. If you’re someone who doesn’t drink or rarely drinks alcohol, you’re more likely to prioritize someone who also doesn’t drink much. If you’re someone who’s quit smoking, you’re far less likely to date someone who still smokes.

Political affiliation and religiosity, likewise make sense; they imply shared values and often a shared background. Certain religious affiliations also make it less likely that someone will date outside of that religion – sometimes because of personal comfort or convenience, but also because of restrictions and expectations within that community. And God knows we’ve seen enough hand-wringing opinion pieces (and occasional inchoate screaming on social media) about how liberals are “refusing” to date conservatives and that’s… bad… for some reason.

It also tracks that if you control for more than physical looks – which are also dictated by cultural tastes and mores more than science – you’ll find that the “pretty people” who are paring up tend to have stronger shared traits in lifestyle, social class, career and upbringing rather than just pure facial symmetry. Actors, after all, tend to date other actors in part because that’s who they spend most of their time with, and acting is a career that skews to the more conventionally good looking.

I bring all this up because, quite frankly, you’re falling for bulls--t and pointing to science to justify your doomerism. This is really just incel phrenology with extra steps, not signs that you’re somehow cursed with being… average.

But honestly, that should be the record scratch moment right there. You’re declaring that you’re screwed because you’re in the middle of the bell curve? That you are part of the largest slice of the population by definition? Remind me why this is bad again?

Ah, because it means that – if we accept your premise – you are “stuck” dating someone who is also of average looks. Let’s put aside the assumption that this somehow means that the “average” women are not good looking and instead focus on what you don’t seem to realize that you’re saying.

Because I don’t think it has occurred to you that, as you’re complaining that your looks condemn you to date someone who isn’t exceptional looking… you’re expecting someone who is exceptional looking to be willing to overlook your average appearance. Not to put too fine a point on it but… why is that ok for them but not for you? Why are you asking them to give you grace and see beyond your average appearance, when you aren’t willing to do the same? Why – again, if we accept your premise – is it not ok for an exceptionally attractive woman to prefer dating an exceptionally attractive man, when you yourself also want to date an exceptionally attractive woman? You would think that what’s good for the goose should be good for the gander.

Well, the answer here is obvious: because of what it says about you. This is the core of what Red Pill and masculinity influencers peddle: the anxiety of being somehow “lesser” among men. If you are the sort of person who can “only” date “average” women and not dimes who make your friends and peers and randos jealous… well, clearly you’re not a Top G Alpha Player. You’re just some Average Frustrated Chump, to dip back into ancient PUA parlance.

(As an aside: I’d point out just how many of those so-called masters of masculinity have been busted for doing everything from hiring models to pretend to be women they’re dating, up to just straight lying and misleading about the actual relationship on social media.)

Now I already hear what some wags are going to say, so allow me to say this clearly: no, I’m not telling you the answer is “lower your standards”. What I am saying is that you’re focused on the idea that not having a model for a girlfriend is a failure on your part and referendum on your value and worth as a man, and that’s part of your problem. There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone you’re physically attracted to, but there’s a difference between “someone you’re physically attracted to” and “someone who makes my friends jealous and elevates my status”. Especially when it means you’re restricting yourself to a small subset of the population. You can’t exactly complain about how few dates you go on when you’ve limited your potential dating pool to a single-digit percentage of available women.

The other part of your problem is that you want an exceptional-looking girlfriend, but don’t seem to be willing to do the things that will actually make that woman want to date you. If you want to date models or model-quality women, what are you doing to make yourself dateable to them? What qualities do you have that make you a good potential partner to them that supposedly “counter” your average looks? What are you doing that brings you in contact with them, makes them – as the song goes – part of that world? Compatibility isn’t just about looks, it’s about shared values, experiences, interests and ambitions.

So what about you would make you a potential match for them? What do you have in common – in terms of lifestyle, experience, or even day-to-day life – that would make you a match for Sabrina Carpenter or Jurnee Smollet? If we use the fictional metric of, say, Lara Croft, why would an accomplished, highly educated explorer and archeologist* want to date you, specifically? How are you going to fit into her world?

*Yes, I know she’s a tomb robber and treasure hunter, not an archeologist, but work with me here.

Relationships, after all, are two-way streets. The value prospect has to be mutual; they need to see the things in you that would make you a good match to them, otherwise, you’re basically hoping that this exceptional person is ok with being a prop in your life, but getting very little in return.

If you honestly think that being “average looking” is a handicap (it’s not), then the answer is to work on yourself and cultivate the qualities that would make you a good partner to someone who’s exceptional. And those would have to be the qualities that women actually want, not the ones that men insist they do – often while ignoring what women are saying and who they’re dating.

But more importantly: I think you need to look at your motivations. I’m willing to bet that there are quite a lot of women you think are cute, hot or generally attractive out there, that you’ve written off because you don’t see them as giving you that status boost, and that’s what’s f--king you over. If you’re looking at a relationship as proof of anything other than “you care for this person and this person cares for you and you want to have them in your life”, you’re not looking for a person, you’re looking for an accessory. And no accessory is going to magically make you a more “valuable” or “higher status” person. That can only come from within.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So the last few months I’ve been dedicating myself to dating.

I’ve come a long way from not being able to say hi to a girl, but flirting and asking for numbers. I’ve also been active on OLD and attending singles events when I can.

But even through my confidence is sky high, I’m not getting results apart from a few numbers. I haven’t even gone on a date with a girl yet, much less had sex.

I know I’m attractive enough. I know I’m confident. I know I’m charismatic. But it’s just not translating into results.

Recently I’ve actually had to stop pursuing dating so hard because I just felt so burnt out. I’ve been scouring the internet to find advice for blokes in my position. But all of these just contain stuff that I’ve already internalized and mastered.

I’m still talking to girls at work, and I feel less pressure now that I’m not aggressively pursuing something. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still utterly lost when it comes to it.

I’m at my wits end trying to figure out what exactly my problem is; And frankly I’m sick of losing sleep scrolling Reddit and google searches trying to find a solution.

So my question is:

What issues am I facing in dating if I’ve already built confidence?

Desirous of Dating Debugging

DEAR DESIROUS OF DATING DEBUGGING: First of all, D3, you should be proud of the work you’ve been putting in and the progress you’ve made. This is one of the reasons why I talk about how you should focus more on progress and milestones, rather than on the final outcome or the ultimate goal. I understand that you’re frustrated because you aren’t getting the results you were hoping for yet, but you have made significant improvements and changes. That’s no small thing, and I think you’re not giving yourself credit for it.

I also think that you should give yourself credit for recognizing that you’re starting to burn out and need to take a break for a moment. I know that it can feel like giving up or admitting weakness, but putting things on pause while you take a mental health break is a good thing. Paying attention to your overall emotional state and being aware of when you feel the frustration rising to troubling levels is good, not just for your emotional health, but for maintaining the progress you’ve been making.

It’s incredibly easy to fall into the trap of going “on tilt” – a state of where you let your frustration and disappointment push you into making increasingly wild, irrational and often overly aggressive plays in order to try to brute force a win. Someone constantly going all-in on every hand, for example, is someone who’s no longer playing with care or strategy and is just trying to make a win happen at any cost. At this point, it’s become about trying to soothe a wounded ego and even a win won’t make up for the amount of money lost in the process.

So it is with dating; when you feel like you’re putting in all the effort and getting nothing for your work, it’s easy to end up in a headspace where you’re no longer trying to find a partner so much as just make the frustration go away.

The problem is that when you get into this headspace, it’s very hard to actually think rationally and pick up on where you might be making mistakes. A lot of people will pick up bad habits or adopt poor strategies for trying to get women to talk to them or pay attention. Many fall victim to the slapdick grievance peddlers’ snake-oil solutions, which inevitably only serve to make them angrier, more frustrated and more willing to throw good money after bad. Still others will stop looking for a partner and instead start trying to fill a hole marked “girlfriend”, not caring about how poor of a fit that person may be. Worse, some end up with a toxic relationship with someone they would never have dated in other circumstances.

Taking a break, focusing your time and attention on other things that actually feed your soul and bring you contentment and meaning is invaluable at times like these. Much like taking a break when you’re about to snap your Xbox controller in frustration, stepping back and just not thinking about it for a while gives you the bandwidth to think clearly again and figure out what may be going wrong.

Case in point: you’ve got the confidence locked down, but so far, this isn’t turning into dates. This one’s fairly easy: confidence isn’t the magic attraction formula, and it’s not going to get you dates by itself.

Now that’s not to say that confidence doesn’t matter. It does. Confidence is important when it comes to dating, on many levels. Being confident in yourself makes it easier to meet people, strike up conversations, build connections and ask someone out on a date. Similarly, it’s a significant part of charisma – that sense of certainty, purpose and faith in oneself is incredibly appealing. But confidence on its own isn’t going to be what makes someone fall for you.

Confidence is tricky, in part because it’s an aspect where its presence isn’t going to guarantee success, but its lack makes failure much more likely. It may help to see this as a trait that lets you roll with advantage (in D&D terms: rolling two twenty-sided dice and choosing the higher of the two rolls) while the lack sees you rolling with disadvantage (where you choose the lower of the two).

Some of this is because of what a lack of confidence says about you (the general “you”, not you specifically, D3) – if you don’t believe in your own worth, value and capability, why should anyone else? There’s a reason why nobody advertises a product as being “not great, but give it a try anyway,” after all. That’s going to put people off.

However, that lack of confidence also carries a message about what a relationship with you would be like. Not only does it tell them that you don’t see that you’re worth their time, but that a relationship with you may well mean that they’re going to spend a lot of it propping you up. Most people are struggling enough managing their own emotions and feelings of self-worth; they aren’t going to want to have to manage a relative stranger’s as well. Especially if that stranger is correct and doesn’t bring anything to the table in that relationship.

Is it possible that someone may overlook this? Sure. But it’s stacking the odds against you and making it far more likely that things won’t go your way.

Here’s the thing: attraction is a holistic experience. It’s about the entire person – the sum totality of who they are, rather than any disparate aspect of them. Someone can have the cheekbones of an angel and the abs of a Greek statue, but still be utterly repulsive to others because of their attitude and personality. On the other hand, someone who looks like a Deep One dipped in nicotine can be absurdly charismatic and attractive because of their wit, passion, talent and gift of gab. Does that mean that one’s physical looks don’t matter? No, they do… but they aren’t the alpha and omega of dating. They’re just a part of what someone may or may not find appealing about you.

But it’s important to note that attraction isn’t a passive experience, it’s active. That is: it’s not just about someone standing around being hot and then everyone throws their underwear at them. Attraction is in what someone does as much as in how they look – how they carry themselves, how they interact with others and, critically, how they make people feel. Tom Cruise is famously charismatic in no small part because of how he makes everyone, no matter who, feel like the most fascinating person in the world. Jack Black and Matt Berry are talented, expressive, creative and funny – they make people feel good through their humor. Will Smith and Chris Evans both radiate personal warmth and approval, helping others feel seen and validated.

A lot of the effort that goes into being attractive and building attraction can also go unnoticed. Many of the common signs that a woman is attracted to you – laughing harder at your jokes than they may warrant, being very complimentary, asking questions to get to know you better – are about endearing themselves to the person they’re into. It may not be as immediately obvious as flirty banter or the effort they’ve put into their style and presentation, but it’s still done with an aim of how it makes the other person feel. The sense of “this person thinks I’m funny!” or “they really value my opinion!” makes the recipient feel good, which makes them want to prioritize the time they spend with this person, rather than time spent with someone else.

So I think it’s going to be important for you to think about the interactions you’re having with people and the kinds of emotions you’re working on bringing out in them. Being mindful of the ways you talk to them, the things you talk about, showing them that you’re interested in them as people and want to know more about their interests and opinions are all important. You want them to feel that interpersonal warmth, to feel validated and appreciated when they talk to you. The more they enjoy talking to you, the more’re they’re going to want to spend time with you. The more fun you help them have, the more you increase the odds that attraction is going to grow.

Now this is a balancing act, and it’s easy to tilt too far from “being fun to talk to” to “putting on a show”. I suspect that’s another part of the problem you’re having. You even say that you’re still talking to women at work, but now without the pressure of trying to get results. That’s important, and I think you should really pay attention to the difference in how that feels versus the way you were talking to women you were ostensibly trying to pick up. I rather suspect the difference is palpable and noticeable. Even if it isn’t to you, it definitely was to those women.

When you get hung up on outcomes – getting someone’s number, getting a date, getting laid – you lose focus on the fact that you’re supposed to be enjoying yourself and getting to know the other person. You end up trying to do things “the right way” and get a specific result, instead of being in the moment and just vibing with another person. This changes your body language, your vocal inflection, even just the overall vibe of the interaction… and not for the better.

I still remember talking to an attractive woman at a bar who interrupted me and said “Are you practicing a bit right now?”, prompting me to crumble to dust before her eyes and blow away. But she was right; I was so focused on being “fun” and “entertaining” that it came across like I was workshopping my tight 5, not having a fun, flirty conversation. That tends to come off as really impersonal and off-putting; it doesn’t feel like you’re talking to someone or being a person. At the time, I, like you, had been putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform – with an emphasis on “performing”. Once I learned to dial back my expectations and just enjoy talking to people, things proceeded much more smoothly and successfully.

This is why, when you’re ready to give dating another go, it’s going to be better to let go of the outcome and just focus on having enjoyable conversations with interesting strangers. Yes, I realize that it sounds entirely contradictory to pursue success by letting go of the desire to succeed, but that’s precisely how you avoid going on tilt. If you can learn to value each conversation and interaction for its own sake, instead of pressuring yourself to get a particular result, you let go of the performance of it all and instead can just be in the moment. It means that you won’t be in your own head and instead can just focus on getting to know this person and figuring out what’s interesting or cool about them. That will make you much more charismatic and attractive than being yet another dude hitting on them on a Friday night.

I’d also point out that being able to just enjoy the moment for what it is, rather than trying to get a date or avoiding rejection will help increase that sense of attractive confidence and charisma that you’ve been working on.

The last thing I will tell you is that I can guarantee that you’re moving too fast – that is, you’re trying to get immediate results instead of letting things breathe and grow. If you’re defining success as getting a number or a date (or a sloppy make out session or…) on the same day that you’ve met someone… well, there’s a big part of your problem.

A lot of guys, when they start really focusing on dating, get hung up on getting results and getting them quickly. Part of the reason why pick-up artistry fails most men is because they’re trying to convince a relative stranger to be interested in starting a romantic or sexual relationship with them after having known them for maybe 20 minutes. They’re often expecting meeting women and dating to look like Ryan Gosling picking up various women in Crazy, Stupid, Love or John Hamm bringing home women he just met in Mad Men, and then getting increasingly upset when it doesn’t work that way for them.

Well, a big reason for this is that this just isn’t how the vast majority of people start a relationship. It’s very rare for someone to start dating someone they just met that day, and even less so from a cold approach at a bar or club. Most of the time, we date people we’ve met in lower-key circumstances, and usually have gotten to know over time. When we meet our partners in person, it’s almost always in the context of mutual friends or shared interests or activities and often having met multiple times.

That last part is crucial. Propinquity – the tendency to form connections with the people we see and interact with the most often – is one of the most underrated and overlooked aspects of attraction. The more we’re exposed to something or someone, the more likely we are to grow an attachment to it. The more you hear a commercial jingle, the more likely you are to buy the product. The more you hear a song, the greater the odds that you to start to like it.

So it is with people. Part of the reason why we tend to develop crushes on classmates or co-workers is because we interact with them regularly. Not only does that give us a chance to get to know them, but it also triggers the propinquity effect, which builds greater fondness and interest.

If you want to have more success, it’s going to help to slow your roll and take the pressure off yourself to get results. Seeing them often and having good conversations with them will get you a lot farther in terms of getting numbers and dates than trying to speed run the process and get a date before the bartender announces last call and the lights pop on.

Good luck.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My cousin and I have always been best friends since forever. We’ve always been more like sisters than cousins. Growing up, she’s always been stubborn and refused to conform to any traditions that she didn’t see the point of. She’s always done her own thing her own way, often to the frustration of my aunt and uncle, and her dating life isn’t any different. She’s been in a polyamorous relationship with her boyfriend and a second man for the last three years. From what they’ve told me, they’re all dating each other rather than my cousin dating two people at the same time. So, her boyfriend is also dating her other boyfriend as well. I don’t think I could do it, but it works for them and that’s fine with me. I think her boyfriends are both terrific and the four of us hang out together all the time.

The problem that I’m having is that not many people know about this arrangement outside of our circle of friends. They’re not exactly waving flags and parading their relationship through the streets, but they’re not actively hiding or lying about it either, with one exception: our family. None of our parents know, and my cousin wants to keep it that way, at least for now. As far as our parents are concerned, my cousin and her boyfriend let one of their friends move in to their spare room to help pay the rent. 

I understand why she’s keeping this a secret from them. The older generations of our family are very conservative and I think there would be an absolute s--tstorm to a point of possibly disowning my cousin if word got out. At the same time, it makes it hard because I want to be able to include everyone in her relationship in events and gatherings and that gets hard to explain sometimes without revealing the secret. It’s fine to invite them all to things like birthday parties, but family events like holidays, baptisms or weddings are a problem. They couldn’t include Boyfriend 2 without a lot of questions, since he isn’t “family” the way Boyfriend 1 is. 

This has been on my mind recently, because my boyfriend and I are getting engaged soon and we’d like my cousin and her boyfriends to be part of our wedding. Excluding one of them from family events feels s--tty and unfair, even when it’s for understandable reasons. 

What should we do? I know it’s not my life and I don’t have to live with what happens if my aunt and uncle find out, so I feel weird about it bothering me. Do I bring this up to them as a concern? Do I not mention it to them and help keep their secret until they’re prepared? 

Family Support Structure

DEAR FAMILY SUPPORT STRUCTURE: There really aren’t really a lot of clean-cut, easy answers to this, FSS.

On the one hand, this is an example of how being secretive about your relationships and living situation doesn’t just affect you, it affects everyone close to you. You, FFS, are being dragooned into protecting your cousin’s secrets, which puts a not-insignificant burden on your shoulders. You (and your boyfriend) are being asked not just to not say something, but to keep track of who is In The Know and who Cannot Know, to coordinate cover stories with your cousin and her partners (so you don’t trip up and give things away by accident) and to talk around subjects that, likewise may give the game away. And since you can’t be 100% sure who is trustworthy with the secret or not, you’re stuck in a position to lying – directly or indirectly – to a whole lot of people.

On the other hand… your cousin isn’t necessarily wrong to be worried about the potential s--tshow. If it were just a family issue, that would be one thing. Sometimes you just have to let the closed-minded members of the family have their tantrum until they wear themselves out. It sucks, especially if you’re otherwise close… but it’s noise and thunder more than meaningful impact. Especially if your cousin is financially independent of her parents.

But unfortunately, there is a reasonable worry that it could be worse than just upset parents throwing a fit. I know that it feels like everyone and their cat is in some polyquangle tangle these days, but being open about being in a non-traditional non-monogamous relationship does come with risks beyond family drama. There’re legitimate reasons to worry about other people reacting badly to finding out that they’re a poly triad – socially, financially and legally. The risks aren’t evenly distributed or applied, but they do exist. A lot of poly people have rolled the dice and came up snake-eyes.

Add this to the fact that a lot of states (and the Federal government) are actively trying to roll back protections for LGBTQ people, and there’s a pretty good reason to worry.

(Could your cousin sue and win over many of these? Possibly… but that’s a hell of an upfront investment of time, money and energy for a “possibly”, or even a “likely”.)

Now a lot of this is contingent on other details like where they live and how close they live to your aunt and uncle. But that’s all math that they’re going to have to do to gauge their risk tolerance.

All of which is to say: it kinda sucks for everyone to have to deal with it and it sucks to be forced to be part of the Secret Keepers. It’d be better if she could be open about it, but this is a case where you kinda have to let your cousin decide her levels of acceptable risk.

Fortunately, in the near term, it doesn’t sound like you need to exclude Boyfriend 2 from much. Depending on how large and involved your extended family is, it doesn’t seem like you’re in danger of having to deal with any logistical tangles about family gatherings where a “good friend” and “roommate” wouldn’t be an acceptable plus one. So, it semes like this is more of a theoretical problem than an imminent one, which means you can kick that metaphorical can down the road a bit.

Some of this isn’t even a problem, per se. If you want him to be part of the wedding party, then that’s your business. The nice thing about weddings is that you get to decide what and who’s important, and you get to justify it all by Bridal Fiat. If you want Boyfriend 2 to be in the wedding party or to seat him at the same table as your cousin and Boyfriend 1, that’s entirely your call. You can tell people that he’s “practically” family, that you’ve functionally adopted him or even just shut up, that’s why.

In the long term? Well… honestly, I’d say that you should ask your cousin how she wants and plans to handle things in the future and follow her lead as best you can. She (and her partners) will have the best idea of what their risk factors are and how they want to handle them. They’re the ones who’ll know whether it’s a matter of drama and discomfort, or if there’s legitimate reason to worry.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com