DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Sorry for the long letter and if the English is not the great since it is not my mother tongue.

I am writing to you for advice because despite trying for 20+ years I am still utterly romantically invisible to woman and honestly at this point I am just thinking of trying to turn full blow criminal, just to at least get a chance with the hybristophilia crowd, since somehow criminals never seem to lack for female attention, whilst I am still stuck on the everlasting sidelines of it all.

I have been a legal officer in my home country for a good 15 years, working to assist in court cases (criminal and migration law mostly) but also making my own decisions in lesser cases. I also offer free legal advice and consulting in the service of the public as part of the job. I really like my job, especially the consulting part and have been told that I am really good at it. Also fairly popular with my teammates, superiors and assistants. The pay is also great and it never really gets dull just because each case is of course different in some way. Plus I can actually help people or in some cases help put away people that are deeply dangerous.

As for my private life, I have mostly nerdy hobbies. I regularly master Call of Cthulhu in various one shoots and campaigns, with some regulars but we often take in new players if someone is interested. We also play other TTRPGs and board games and have started to form a gaming club. I am also fairly active in a Regency reenactment group (yes, it is as nerdy as it sounds) and currently working on a history degree just because it interests me. Once a year I will travel somewhere just because it sounds historically interesting. Otherwise, I also host a book and cinema club (we meet all once in a while to watch something together and disuse it or talk about a book everyone read) and also volunteer with the elderly (mostly helping with IT problems or if they need something filed for them). Until recently I was also a volunteer with a crisis line, but they had to shut it down do to funding cuts. Other stuff is mostly just things I do for myself to calm down and clear my mind. Yoga, reading, fishing, learning new recipes and just culinary experimentation. Nothing fancy. I used to do meet ups but lost interested in that during the lockdown and after the pandemic it just did not feel fun to go anymore. Also was into boxing for a few years, but got injured pretty badly and had to give it up. I know that once my history degree is through, I will likely just pick up to do something else that strikes my fancy.

As for dating, well there have been attempts, all in vain. I used to ask out woman I meet through my hobbies where there seemed to be a shared interested in going in that direction, but it never got reciprocated. Tried online dating, but it just never went anywhere either. The only person who showed interest in me for more than a few weeks of writing was catfishing (actually got him arrested by just passing on the information to the police). I have been to single events for years, but it also just never seems to go anywhere. There just seems to be no interest on the other side and I just got really tired of it. The whole putting myself out there, meeting someone that actually sounds interesting, having a good talk, making them laugh, flirting a little, the feeling of this might go somewhere and at the end of the day it turns out to have been one sided again.

I am mostly happy or at least content if I am doing stuff, for a few years I get these bouts of sadness about how unsuccessful I have been with attracting someone to my life. Just these little moments of it all feels kind of pointless. Mostly when I see a happy couple, or people kissing in public. The worst is if I come back from a business or vacation trip and I can see someone getting picked up by a partner. Whilst I am just standing there alone with that feeling of, yeah, I could have just as well not have come back, no one really cares anyway. I know rationally it is nonsense, that I have friends and colleagues that would of course deeply miss me, but there is just no-one special. The feeling has gotten worse since I was diagnosed with colon cancer a while back and have had to take medicine for it and it has of course impacted my health. Though I am in full recovery at least.

I have gone into therapy about it, but they just mostly showed me exercises to calm my mind and tell me to focus on other stuff. It will happen when it will happen. A lot of people are single these days. Romantic relationships are not that important. It just makes me more tired of it all.

Time for a obligatory Tommy Wiseau “”I’m fed up with this world!” gif or something I guess.

I have asked a few female friends what they think it could be that I seem to lack. A few pointed out that I am not all that handsome, which I have known my whole life. I am not deformed or anything, if anything I just look bland, I guess. I am in shape, though have been underweight for a while because of the cancer stuff, and have a slight limp due to a sports injury. I accepted 10 years ago that I will be bald no matter how hard I try to fake it and just started shaving my head. But these kinds of things have not stopped other people from being romantically successful either.

Two felt I have a very dark and laconic sense of humor, which might not be to everyone’s taste. Which is not helpful because I am not trying to be to everyone’s taste, I am looking for someone who I like and her not getting my humor will not help anyone in that constellation.

Otherwise, it was just the usual friends stuff. He your great, we always have a great time together, you are funny, supportive, reliable etc., it is there loss for not seeing what a great catch you are. Nice to hear but sadly also not helpful.

Which brings me around to me initial question because at this point, it just really feels like I will be spending the rest of my life alone unless I do something deeply radical.

Maybe it is job bias or because I am depressed about the whole thing, but no matter how f--ked up some of the criminals I have to deal with are, they always seem to have woman that are interested in them. I get deeply passionate short novel length letters from woman proclaiming their undying love for dudes who deal drugs to minors. I have a case where a really attractive and smart high school teacher married a guy who had killed his previous two wives. Hell I have had a coworker flirt with a guy who tried to poison his mother so he could get her money whilst I was in the same room as them. Just as a sample. Whilst I am just sitting there wondering what I am doing so fundamentally wrong.

I think I am a perfectly decent guy, who tries and tries and tries, and the most romantic thing that ever happened to me was some catfisher telling me that I seem really funny, nice and would love to get to know me better. Which just feels pathetic if you reflect even a little on it.

Time for another Tommy Wiseau “I’m fed up with this world!” gif I guess.

It just feels like something in me is starting to just break. I know life is not fair and all but it sure would be nice if someone would show up sometime soon. Because honestly it is starting to feel like robbing a bank might be my best option to get someone interested in me. Though I already know I am just to considered and would not pull it off anyway because I would not want to traumatic bystanders and employees. Just not enough of the killer mentality for the ladies I guess.

Sorry for the length of the letter again.

Yours kindly

Fed up with it all

DEAR FED UP WITH IT ALL: So, I initially pulled your letter because it’s been a bit since we’ve had the “women don’t like good guys” discourse around here, but frankly there’re more than a few things in your letter that suggest that you’re falling into a lot of the same traps that other frustrated nice guys (as opposed to Nice GuysTM) get stuck in.

I think the first thing I want to start with is the comment about the catfisher and how pathetic it feels, because I think this is relevant to your mental state. You’re making this out as some sign of your inherent pitiable state – both in terms that this is the most romantic comment you’ve gotten and that it felt good when you got it – and it’s not.

For one thing, as I’ve said before: there really isn’t shame in being conned by a con-artist; they’ve had more practice at deceiving people than you’ve had at detecting when someone’s pulling a con on you. The fact that you felt good when they made those comments doesn’t make you pathetic, it simply means that they understand what they’re doing. Con artists and catfishers are take deliberate aim at the most universal and human desires: to feel special and appreciated by someone. We’re social creatures, and we have all sorts of mental wiring and instincts that play to the desire for community and connection. It’s not really a surprise that someone saying they admire these qualities in you and would like to get to know you better would make you feel good; that would make anyone feel good.

The fact that this is the only person who’s said it to you doesn’t imply that you’re sad or pathetic either. Your worth isn’t measured by how many compliments you’ve received from people or – more importantly – the people that “count”. After all, your friends have also paid you compliments on your being a person they’re glad to know and have in their lives. The biggest difference between the two is that you discount the import or meaning of it when it comes from platonic friends, rather than from a potential romantic connection. Now, we’re going to put a pin in way that friendship and platonic love is seen as being important – even when those friendships have existed for longer and outlast romantic relationships – but the important part to remember is: the catfisher isn’t the only person who’s said these things. They’re just the person you’re giving any real import or impact to, because it gives you a reason to feel down on yourself.

And that is a rather convenient segue, because that brings me to the comments you made contrasting yourself as a well-rounded, complex and generally good person who’s single versus the criminals who appeal to “the hybristophilia crowd” and who supposedly “never seem to lack for female attention”. This is another example of you focusing in on things that aren’t actually true, simply because it plays into your frustration. This is classic confirmation bias in action; criminals aren’t swimming in dates any more than anyone else is – and certainly not because they’re criminals. It’s an idea that appeals to you partially of how it plays into your self-image and the idea that who you are is deficient or flawed in some way; these people who are seemingly diametrically opposed to you are supposedly succeeding in ways that you feel you’re failing, which means there must be something wrong with you. It couldn’t possibly be about bad luck (and yes, those can last for years and decades), demographic challenges, or about a need to pursue changes in your life; it must be that you, specifically, are simply undesirable.

This sort of thinking is perversely appealing, in no small part because it relieves the person who thinks it of responsibility. If the flaw is inherent and unchangeable, then you have been absolved of needing to do anything about it. It means that you can see yourself in almost poetic terms – the hero, doomed through no fault of his own by a cruel twist of fate in a universe that takes less notice of him than it would an insect. There’s a romance of a sort in this situation, the knight-errant who is facing down a lost and impossible cause, knowing that he’s doomed but striving anyway. There’s tragedy, sure, but tragedy of the noble sort, which brings meaning to the suffering he endures. While he may be fated never to achieve his long-held dreams, there’s purpose to it all, a martyr to love.

But it’s that supposed absolution of responsibility that gives them the excuse not to actually examine or even question those beliefs and assumptions.

For one thing, there’s the inherent assumption that it’s the “badness” that’s what’s appealing to women, and thus making being a “good” or “nice” guy unappealing. The frustration at seeing those supposed “bad boys” has as much to do with the idea that love is a measure of morality – that someone’s romantic interest is a reward from the universe for being A Good Person, rather than being a combination of emotions, social connections and chemical reactions.

But that’s not the case. Leaving aside that hybristophila – the paraphilia for people who’ve committed violent crimes – is profoundly uncommon and more akin to parasocial relationships with celebrities than a widespread phenomenon, the complaints that women like “bad” men is based on little more than vibes. The person complaining about how women seem to prefer dating jerks is making the assumption that the “jerk” aspect is the draw. Their “badness” stands out to you and draws your focus, and so you miss that these aren’t mustache twirling villains who give monologues about how great it is to be evil. They’re people. Flawed, messy, often horrible… but people none the less. And that brings a level of complexity that many folks choose to ignore, simply because it gets in the way of the narrative they’ve chosen.

In reality, it’s more accurate to say that the attraction exists despite it, not because of it. The idea of “I can fix him”, for example, doesn’t mean that someone’s socially maladaptive behavior is appealing; it’s the belief that it’s something that can be changed. This is often more about feeling that they have to “earn” being loved, the way White Knights feel the need to “save” the objects of their affections.

Hell, part of Henry Kissinger’s “appeal” with women (much of which, it must be said, was self-aggrandizement and myth-making, not reality) was simply listening to what women had to say and showing interest in their opinions, not the fact that he was a war criminal with the blood of millions on his hands.

Just as importantly though, is that you are the outside observer; you’re not actually in the relationship. You assume that it’s the badness or the criminality because, as I said, you are seeing it as being the major difference. But you’re not there. You’re not witnessing these people in their private moments, you’re not watching their courtship, uninterrupted from beginning to end and you’re not in their heads. You don’t know what brought the couple together or even what keeps them together. People can and do stay in relationships with folks who are unquestionably horrible and dangerous, even knowing the danger they represent. They may feel like they have no other option. They may feel like they are obligated to stay, or fear that leaving would be even worse for them than staying. And in many cases, they’re seduced or manipulated into staying; many, many people have been frustrated and horrified to watch their friends and family return to abusive and even violent partners.

So, no, it’s not a matter that you’re just a cinnamon roll, too good and too pure for this fallen world, while the criminals and murderers thrive because they’re evil and corrupt. This is just you, finding another way of beating yourself up for the supposed “sin” of having not found the kind of relationship you want.

And it’s that belief that there’s something flawed or wrong with you that’s really the underlying problem. As long as you hold onto that belief, you give yourself permission to not only really dig into what could be holding yourself back and to not commit to changes or improvements. If you believe that you’re flawed or broken in some way, then there’s no point to actually putting in the effort to make changes. You have already decided that it will fail and so you half-ass it. When you run into challenges – as everyone does – you don’t take it as a challenge so much as “proof” that this isn’t going to work.

It also limits your sense of what’s possible or how you could work around challenges or limitations. Being classically handsome is an advantage, sure… but plenty of handsome people are single and lonely and plenty of ugly people have lovers and spouses. Serge Gainsbourg looks like someone dipped frogs in nicotine before throwing them into the teleporter from The Fly, and was infamous for his affairs with some of the most beautiful starlets and models of his day. Michael Berryman, who was born without hair, sweat glands or even fingernails, has made a career of playing freaks, killers and literal monsters on the strength of his natural features… and has been married for decades. The strength of their appeal wasn’t in their looks, so much as their holistic selves.

If you truly are average-looking and somewhat bland, this is something easily fixed through style and presentation. Shaving your head is a great start. I would also recommend considering growing facial hair along with it. Bald-with-a-beard is frequently a winning combination; Avery Brooks is a decent looking man with a full head of hair and a clean shave, but a shaved head and goatee makes him electric. The right sense of style can, likewise, make a world of difference. Recovering from colon cancer may have left you a little underweight, but layers and tailoring can not only fill you out but turn your silhouette to something leaner and more put together. Even a walking stick to help with the limp may seem like an affectation, but it can help craft a persona and help you fit into an archetype that you’ve chosen and shaped.

I would also consider your sense of humor. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with “dark and laconic”, but there’s “dark” and then there’s excessively morbid or depressing. “Dark” covers a lot of territory, and like sarcasm or being sardonic, is an area where a little goes a long way and quickly becomes overwhelming. Moreover, a lot of people’s supposed “dark” sense of humor can fall into doomerism and fatalism, which ultimately tends to turn people off. You may want to consider trying to lighten up by a few notches. You don’t have to become Little Marky Sunshine, but not being the voice of doom and gloom is only going to help. This is an area where looking to a different therapist might help. Right now, it sounds like you’re more focused on the feeling of loneliness and wanting relationships and you’re getting CBT therapy to help manage those feelings. Perhaps it’s time to look into something more dialectical, to change your outlook rather than trying to be more stoic about being single.

The last thing I would suggest that you need to do to pull out of this spiral is to take an honest look at your life. As banal as this is going to sound, you need to actually count your blessings and recognize just how much you have in your life now. Part of the reason why you – like many other men in situations like yours – feel so depressed and lost is that you’re focused on what you don’t have and ignoring what you do.

By your own words, you are popular and well-liked, with close friends and acquaintances, the respect of your peers and a well-rounded and full life. But by your own accounting, all of this means less, simply because it’s not the very specific kind of relationship you want. You talk about wanting someone “special”, but seem to dismiss how many people in your life care for you and care for you deeply. This is what I mean when I talk about how platonic or non-romantic relationships get short-shrift; these are all people who clearly see you as being incredibly important in their lives, but to you this is less ‘significant’ than a romantic relationship. But ask yourself: would a romantic relationship of, let’s say 5 months, mean more or less to you than a close friendship of years? Why would someone you hadn’t known as long, don’t have the same level of shared history and experience or emotional intimacy with, be more important? Why is that kind of love more “special” than someone who knows you better and loved you longer, even if that love were philia rather than eros or agape?

I think part of the reason why you struggle is that you’ve made finding a partner into something so significant and so representational, that you’re ultimately handicapping yourself. I understand that desire, believe me… but once you’ve started talking about how empty life is without it, you have cut yourself off from the blessings you already have. Living a life that’s full and appreciating what you have will make you a far more attractive and interesting person, simply because you won’t be nearly as much of a downer. People are more likely to want to be a part of a life of someone who has a great community, great friends, a diverse array of unique and appealing interests and hobbies than they would someone who sees a romantic relationship as the end-all/be-all of their existence. It’s much easier to find someone who wants to be part of a well-rounded life than it is to find someone who would be comfortable with the level of intense attention you seem to give to the possibility of romance.

So, I think taking some time to really take stock and appreciate how much you have and embrace gratitude for it will go a long way… not just for changing your overall outlook, but the odds of finding a special someone who would fit into your life too.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a man who’s still figuring out dating and has been played before, what are the signs someone is just using you for free stuff? Not only that but when is someone being dishonest about their intentions or dating in bad faith? (for lack of a better term)� �Any advice is appreciated!��Sincerely,

Watching Out

DEAR WATCHING OUT: Amusingly, I received this letter shortly after having read an article about a supposed trend of “foodie calls” – that is, Gen-Zers going on dates specifically for free meals. To be frank, I think this, like a lot of other supposed ‘trends’ is more the creation of a credulous media looking for content and falling for blatant engagement bait rather than an actual trend, but it’s the sort of thing that tends to find fertile ground in dudes’ imaginations.

I’ll be real with you, WO: I think the likelihood that someone would be looking at you – or literally any other guy who isn’t Daddy Warbucks – as a literal meal ticket is so low that you’d have better odds winning the Powerball. You might have reason to be concerned if we were talking about a pig butchering scheme by someone you never actually met or if you have been bragging about how much crypto you have. You might even have reason to worry if you were a mid-tier government employee or working for an NGO that’s currently drawing the ire of conservative wackadoos. Maybe, maybe you find someone who’s dating for “content” rather than to actually date, but again, the odds are such that you’re more likely to be attacked by a shark. In fresh water. In Missouri.

But someone who is actually sitting across from you at dinner or walking next to you in the park? I seriously doubt you’re at risk of a gold digger trying to get your stuff. Especially if you’re not trying to impress women by at least giving the impression that you’re rich as hell.

(Frankly, if someone is trying to win people’s affection with ostentatious displays – or implications – of wealth, they shouldn’t be shocked that it attracts people who just want their money. If you’re gonna chum the water you swim in, you really can’t complain when a shark takes a bite.)

Now, how do you tell if someone’s playing games or dating in bad faith? Well, the answer is simple: pay attention to their behavior. The vast majority of head games people play tend to be incredibly obvious, regardless of gender. Most of the time, people who play games or aren’t being honest about their intentions follow the same playbook, whether it’s red pill/PUA bulls--t or The Rules or whatever the current TikTok dating “advice” trend is popular, and they really aren’t subtle. If they’re someone who blows hot and cold seemingly at random, only seems to give you attention when you’re pulling away or seems to be trying to push you towards particular behaviors or dates, it rarely takes Lt. Columbo to figure it out.

If I’m being honest, the fear of someone playing games or trying to con you – especially if you’re a man who dates women – tends to be far more prevalent than people who are trying to f--k with you. A lot of guys tend to think that they’re important or significant enough that people would want to invest the rather considerable time and energy it takes to date in bad faith, and quite frankly, they aren’t. The vast majority of people on the dating scene aren’t interested in playing games, and the ones who are tend to be trying to avoid vulnerability or risk rather than trying to get one over on you.

But the truth is that most of the time when someone says that a person was playing games or dating with false intent, the real answer is that the person supposedly being messed with got over his skis and thought there was more to the date than there actually was. It’s far more likely that someone “playing games” is actually someone who doesn’t know what they want, is bad at communicating or simply just isn’t that interested in you in the first place. The idea that someone’s going to invest time and effort into messing with you because f--k you, that’s why is usually more about your own anxieties than it is about malfeasance.

If you’re really worried, then pay attention to your Spidey-sense when you feel it start tingling. But in those moments, you need to ask yourself which is more likely: that someone is trying to pull one over on you, or that you’re reacting to your own pre-existing fears and expectations? And if you’re still not sure, try laying it all out to a friend – one who isn’t excessively online – and see what they think. Often, just the act of trying to explain it to someone else will help you realize what the most likely reason is.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I could use your help figuring out if I’m the a--hole or if my friend is overreacting and I don’t know if I trust Reddit to give me a good answer. 

Here’s the setup: I’ve been seeing “Tiffany” (not her real name, obviously) casually for about a little over two months now. We’re both in our mid-to-late 20s. We met on a dating app and I was clear up front that while I’m open to exclusivity at some point, I wanted to keep things casual for a while at first. I also made it clear that “casual” in this case meant no long-term expectations and that while I wasn’t seeing other people at the time, I didn’t see this as being exclusive and I didn’t expect her to be exclusive either. If she were going to date other people, that’s fine, I just would like to know, and I would offer her the same courtesy if that changed for me too, and that we would talk about things if we decided our feelings were changing or we wanted to change the nature of the relationship. She agreed that this was what she wanted too, and so we started seeing each other.

Here’re the details: Tiffany and I have gotten together/gone on dates about 10 times in that time; about a date a week on average. The number is important for reasons I will explain in a moment. Sometimes they were proper dates, sometimes they were just one of us coming over to the other’s apartment, hanging out and eventually having sex. We’ve slept over twice in that time, once at my place and once at hers. 

Now for the problem: last weekend was what would be our 11th date; I went with her to her friend/sorority sister’s birthday party at her friend’s house. When she introduced me to her friend, she introduced me as her boyfriend. Apparently, I stiffened up or did something that Tiffany noticed, because she said “Whats’ wrong?” and I told her that I didn’t think it was appropriate to introduce me as her boyfriend. She got tense and asked what I meant in that I-don’t-want-to-cause-a-scene tone of voice and I told her that we had never talked about this and while we were dating, we were still casual. She pointed out that we had been on 11 dates at this point and it was silly to think that we weren’t a couple. I replied that the number of dates didn’t matter because you don’t automatically become a couple after you see each other a set number of times. She pointed out that I wasn’t seeing anyone else and she wasn’t seeing anyone else. I said that this was true, but that doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship either. Then she pointed out that she had closed her dating app account once we started going out. I said that this was fine but that didn’t obligate me to call myself her boyfriend.

At this point, it was clear that things were getting awkward, so we decided to just drop it and try to enjoy the party. We didn’t stay long before she insisted on leaving because the mood was ruined, at which point we argued on the steps in front of her apartment about what we were. I explained that I see applying a label like “boyfriend/girlfriend” or being a “couple” as something we both talk about and agree to. She said that this was stupid, we had been on so many dates and weren’t seeing each other and liked each other so obviously we were exclusive and even if we weren’t, I should have just gone along with it and not embarrassed her in front of her friends, especially after she said that she was bringing her boyfriend to the party when she RSVPd. I disagreed and said that you can’t just spring that on someone and that we had agreed in the beginning as to what this was.

Now we’re on a break while we both calm down before we say something we would regret and I am honestly confused about what’s wrong here. Am I being an a--hole for not going along with this, or was I right to be bothered that she just told everyone without talking to me first? Was she overreacting because I didn’t go along with it? Was it ok for her to just decide this and I’m the one who doesn’t know how dating works? 

I will be honest, I’m not sure if there’s a point to asking this because I don’t think whatever we have is going to continue one way or another. I don’t think I’m wrong on this, but if I am, I would rather make sure I don’t make this mistake again in the future. 

Who’s The A--hole Here?

DEAR WHO’S THE A--HOLE HERE: Well, this dragged up an awkward memory, WTAH, because I’ve been in the same position as you before… just on the other side of things. Back in the Before Times, the Long Long Ago, I was seeing a woman who told me, straight up, that she wasn’t open to having anything more than a casual relationship. Seeing as this was when I was at my peak of both insecurity AND not knowing what the hell I was doing, I said “you got it” … and then immediately decided that I could change her mind. And, in fact, at a friend’s party, introduced her as my girlfriend, without telling her that I was going to do that.

Things didn’t go as dramatically as yours did, but that did serve as part of the reason why we broke up not long afterwards and served as a lesson learned: if someone tells you that they aren’t open to a particular label or type of relationship, you listen to them, instead of taking that as a challenge.

Now, I will admit to being An Old, and I think some of the discourse around modern dating is more than a little silly. Every time I read about “soft launching” or “hard launching” a relationship, my eyes roll back in my head far enough to see my own brain, and I think describing a relationship like an IPO or a restaurant opening invites way the f--k too much capitalism into dating. Honestly, I thought s--t like “Facebook official” was stupid too. But at the same time, while mores change and trends change, there’re some things that I believe don’t change… and that includes that relationships require everyone to agree that they’re in one.

I’m firmly of the belief that there are no relationship status changes that happen automatically or without prior discussion. It doesn’t matter if it’s one date or ten dates; there is no milestone or point in time where things kick in without everyone discussing it. All relationships and relationship changes are double opt-in; you both have to affirmatively agree that you’re exclusive or that you’re $INSERT_LABEL_HERE. The only exception to this rule, the only thing that can be decided unilaterally is that you’re no longer in one. Nobody can put you into a relationship without your agreement, and nobody can keep you in one without it either.  

In fact, I believe that until and unless you have an explicit Defining The Relationship talk, you should both work under the assumption that what you have is casual and not committed. I also believe that, while a DTR talk doesn’t need to be some elaborate, formal thing, you should, at the very least, define terms and make sure you’re on the same page about what you both expect. Assuming that everyone is working from the exact same playbook is how you end up with unnecessary arguments about what being part of a couple “means”.

So, in principle, I agree with you that Tiffany was wrong here. Telling other people that you were her boyfriend without running it by you and then springing it on you out of the blue like she did is not cool, the same way it wasn’t cool when I did it lo those many years ago. I also don’t think you were entirely wrong to say “hold up”, at the party. Yes, it made things awkward as hell, especially if this was the first time you were meeting her friends, but she was the one who made it awkward first. Much like how I feel about elaborate public proposals, I think pulling things like this only serve to pressure the other person to agree simply to avoid making a scene and that is some ol’ bulls--t.

I do think that the party wasn’t the time to start hashing things out. As a general rule, making someone else’s celebration about you (the general “you”) or your relationship is a massive party foul. It’s rude and incredibly self-centered. Now, in fairness, I can’t think of a particularly graceful way to un-ring that particular bell, but I do think that you would’ve been better off saying “we’ll discuss this later”, or at the very least, pulled her aside and not had the discussion in front of her friends. So, while I think Tiffany was in the wrong and put you in an untenable situation, I don’t think you covered yourself in glory here.

Now I will give Tiffany this much: I don’t think this was malicious on her part, and I don’t think she did this in order to try to box you in. I will admit that my own past version is coloring my opinion here but I suspect that Tiffany just wasn’t thinking about it at all. I suspect that in her case, she was working under the assumption that This Is How Things Are Done and believed that this was the universal rule for everyone. And it may well be how things worked with her and her social circle. That doesn’t make it right, but as I said: I don’t think this was her trying to push you into something you didn’t want or agree to.

So, I would say that Tiffany here is The A--hole, with caveats. I think what she did wasn’t cool, but I think it was more born out of not thinking and making assumptions, rather than intent. I think the way you responded could’ve been better, but again with the caveat that I’m not sure there’s a way anybody could thread that particular needle perfectly. And while it’s possible this relationship could survive this fracas… I’m not entirely sure it should. I think the best thing you could do here is consider this break your break up and move on.

Just be sure to tell Tiffany when you do decide this, so that there isn’t yet another awkward public disagreement about your relationship.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com