DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time LW. You seem to be pretty good with questions around how to know if you’re sending the right signals (or wrong ones) so I was hoping you might be able to help with mine. 

I’m a late 20s cis gay woman who’s been on the apps casually dating for the past year, since I split up from a long-term boyfriend who was in no way shape or form right for me (see the “gay” part above!) I’ve been running into a problem which may seem like the opposite of a problem to some people, but it’s been making me really uncomfortable. 

Several times I’ve been chatting with a girl, end up going on 1-2 dates, and have the person suddenly start coming on really strong—texting every day/multiple times a day, saying things that imply we are already committed to each other as a result of having gotten along well on one date (“We’ll make this work!” Make *what* work?!); saying they “feel a connection” between us. None of these things are inherently bad, but the main thing for me is that after meeting up with someone once I still don’t feel like I know them very well—I’m definitely not in a space to be talking every day, answering personal questions or wanting to establish a steady thing, *even if I like them and enjoy their company*. 

Before the internet peanut gallery jumps in to ask if it’s a lesbian U-Haul thing, I’ve experienced this *more* often with men, having dated men for the first half of my life. 

To be fair, I am a pretty straightforward person when it comes to dating — I will let someone know with my words if I enjoy their company and want to go out again, and I can be fairly direct. I also have a very warm, friendly vibe. I am wondering because of this pattern if these things (being direct, being the first to ask girls out, saying “I like you and think you’re cool” without beating around the bush) are making people think I want this level of intensity! I don’t! 

Doc, I had one girl text me unprompted after I didn’t reply to a message for about a day, reminding me to “take care of myself, eat food and get some sleep” — as if the only possible explanation for me not immediately texting back was that I was lying malnourished in an abandoned field somewhere. We’d been on one date. Another girl ended up dragging me into a really serious personal life situation that led to me leaving a hobby group we’d been in together — we’d known each other a few months and (from my perspective) only flirted lightly before she dumped some SERIOUS crushfeelings on me. In each of these cases I tried some gentle de-escalating (letting more time pass between conversations, deliberately steering talk back to lighter topics) that did nothing to improve the situation. 

I feel like an ass for even having a problem with this stuff because not only is it well-meant, it’s from people *I have* shown interest in. The discomfort that others are starting to expect way more of me than I signed up to give is hard to shake once it sets in, and it’s honestly led to me breaking off interactions with people I’d otherwise been really liking talking to. 

I feel like there are some societally established ways of politely saying “I like you, but I’m not feeling a romantic connection”, but not as many ways of saying “I *do* like you, but I also need you to back off!” Or maybe it’s not as complicated as I’m making it, and I do just need to say (a version of) that? I certainly don’t want to come off as some sort of super casual player or waste anyone’s time. Any tips on how to give “into you, but let’s take it slow… a bit slower… SLOWER THAN THAT!”…?

Signed,

-Forward Backward Forward Back

DEAR FORWARD BACKWARD FORWARD BACK: I think the first thing that could be affecting things, FBFB, is that the world is still dealing with trauma from the isolation of the lockdowns in 2020. We spent a year or more in varying degrees of solitary confinement we all pretty much went feral. While we all made jokes about having to readjust to society and having to remember to leave goblin-mode once we could be out in person again… a lot of those weren’t really jokes, and there’s a lot of evidence and anecdotes that we’re still dealing with the after effects. That includes a lot of folks getting way the hell over their skis when it comes to dating.

So, I think there’s a certain amount of still trying to re-learn “how to human”, even years out from the actual event.

But if I’m being honest, I’m not sure this is as much of an issue about the signals you’re sending, FBFB, so much as who you’re dating and connecting with. The thing that leaps out at me is how this has been so consistent among the people you’ve dated or just flirted with, even across gender lines. That suggests that it’s as much about signals you send or the way you behave, but on the people you’re sending signals to… and why they may be prone to jumping the gun to such a degree.

That, to me, suggests that this is a starting point for doing a little digging and unpacking. One of the keys to troubleshooting your love life is to stop and look for patterns of behavior. Once you identify one – such as this level of overinvestment, then you want to look at what those people all may have had in common. And one of the things they all have in common is, well, you.

Or rather, who you’re attracted to and why.

Now, to be clear, that doesn’t mean that I think you’re at fault here. Rather, I think that level of frequency suggests that there’s a quality in people you’re dating that may correlate to how quickly they assume (or offer) a level of commitment that you don’t have yet. 

I suspect that the root cause is a level of insecurity on their part, because boy howdy can I can recognize this behavior in ways I used to behave. Back in the bad old days, I used to race to lock down a relationship at the first hint that someone liked me. I had no chill whatsoever. While I wouldn’t understand this until later, I was mortally afraid that they were going to realize they could do better or just didn’t like me all that much. I didn’t have any faith that someone would be interested in me for me, so I felt like I had to make this relationship happen ASAP. If I didn’t – so the obnoxious and unhelpful thinking went – then they’d wise up and move on.

Did this rush to try to establish a relationship actually lead to commitment from people I dated? Ha ha ha, no. But did it at least mean that I felt more secure in the relationships I did have? Also no. If anything, it made things worse, because now I had even more to lose and I spent far more time waiting for the Sword of Damocles to fall than I did actually, y’know, enjoying the relationship.

So the first step of dealing with this is to try to parse what it was about these people that drew you to them in the first place, and if that may not mean that you’re drawn to people more predisposed to this sort of behavior. If, for example, you realize you’ve been dating people who tend towards neurodivergence like ADHD and the like, then they may be folks who also have the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria combo plate. Or if they’re people who tend to not have a lot of relationship experience under their belt, they may not realize that they’re letting their enthusiasm run away with them.

This doesn’t mean you need to adjust who you date or recalibrate your picker, but it does mean that you may need to consider how you proceed with people if you’re looking in particular dating pools. It also will mean adjusting the way you conduct the early stages of these relationships. Which is what actually brings us to the next step.

In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t actually implemented this step already. You say you’re pretty straightforward and direct… so why does that seem to go away when you’ve got people who start acting like poorly-socialized golden retriever puppies at the first sign of interest? I understand not wanting to hurt their feelings or not wanting to assume too much about their intent, but this is a time where saying “woah, ease back on the throttle, cowgirl” seems appropriate to me.

Aiming for politeness or prioritizing not hurting their feelings in these situations is just getting in the way of the desired outcome. If you’re too gentle, polite or circumspect, you can end up creating confusion where you don’t mean to. If, for example, you’re dealing with people who are neurodiverse, they may focus more on the exact wording and miss the intent behind it. Or the inexperienced person may not realize that they’re moving at lightspeed, rather than the pace you’re looking for.

This is why gentle forms of de-escalation aren’t working the way you hoped; the way you’re conveying your desire isn’t sending the message you intend. They aren’t seeing the length of time between conversations as signs to slow down, nor are they picking up on the way you keep changing the subject.

(Once again: been there, done that, built a career out of teaching people how to recognize what it means when this happens.)

This is a case where you want to use your words, but as a hammer, not a scalpel. You can be blunt and direct without being hurtful; you’re not saying “knock it off and go away forever”, you’re saying “here’s how you win with me.” Your goal is to communicate the message of “you’re saying “you’re at a 10 and I need you at a 2,” and this works best when you can tell them what a 2 actually looks like for you.

The next time this happens, tell them exactly what you mean. Say “hey, I like you and I’m enjoying this. But you are moving faster than I’m comfortable with, and that puts me off. I like it best when we do X, Y and Z instead of A, B and C.” It may feel incredibly mechanical, but for a lot of people, knowing that you prefer to limit how much you’re texting or what to expect is a relief. A lot of folks, even neurotypical people, really appreciate it when someone says “I prefer this” or “this is how I work”. Knowing, for example, that there are levels of texting that stress you out is precisely the sort of information people would want to know.  It cuts out a lot of confusion and gives them a solid base to work from. Having a positive example of “I like this, please do that” helps ease a lot of the worry of “oh wait, what if I’m doing this wrong?”

Don’t be afraid to give folks the strategy guide to a relationship with you. It may not feel romantic or sweet, but trust me: the folks you’re attracted to will appreciate the hell out of it. It may be the best gift you could give them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time writer from Germany here. I’m a 30-year-old trans woman and mostly writing in to thank you for all the good work you’re doing. Your blog has been a tremendous help for me a few years ago and played a non-negligible role in helping me realise I’m a trans woman. 

After reading your advice for a while I finally gained enough courage to actually transition and not let the fear of rejection control me anymore. And for that I can’t thank you enough, even though transitioning actually came with a lot of heartbreak and rejection. But also, a lot of newly gained confidence and self-love.

I don’t really have any active dating woes that I’m struggling with right now, but I do have a question that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately in my journey of self-growth. So the thing I’m struggling with the most is despite cognitively knowing something about myself, it’s not quite getting through emotionally which in turn leads to cognitive dissonance and/or avoidance. Let me give you an example of what exactly I mean.

So sometimes unpleasant thoughts pop into my mind. Things like “I’m not worthy of love and kindness and understanding” or “Why do I even try anymore? I always end up with people who hurt me” and all these other things depression keeps drip-feeding into my ear like poison in my own voice. And while cognitive-behavioral therapy has helped me a lot in understanding these thoughts as neither being myself nor true and how to challenge them, they still feel very draining. And despite knowing from a logical standpoint that these statements are overgeneralizations that stem from experiences in my past that doesn’t mean I’m not still feeling the hurt of these statements in my soul.

To give you a little bit more context of my situation: I grew up with an emotionally abusive stepfather and a loving but also overwhelmed mother that had to suffer the same abuse. Which for me as a child and teenager came down to me feeling neglected by her. I’ve been starting to realise the last part in my latest therapy sessions. Add on top of that a whole layer of oppression by patriarchal, misogynistic and transphobic systems and individuals in my life and I’ve gotten myself a pretty strong cocktail of anxiety, depression, trauma and gender dysphoria. So far, I’ve had cognitive therapy to treating my anxiety and depression which worked quite well, especially with the anxiety. Also, I’ve had some gender related care like HRT, legal and social transition but no surgeries until now. Currently I’m looking for a new therapist to do some psychodynamic therapy with me to treat a post-traumatic stress disorder that came to light during my cognitive therapy and seems to cause me a lot of very deep-seated pain in my heart or maybe the other way around.

I know that my question might be a step above your paygrade but maybe you still have some wisdom and insights to share about my situation. Even if it doesn’t help me maybe it can help someone else out there.

So, do you have any advice on how to integrate healthy thoughts about myself and make sure for them to come through emotionally?

Kind regards

Always in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time

DEAR ALWAYS IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME: Before we start, AWP, I want to say I’m proud of you for all those changes and improvements you’ve made and all the ways you’ve been taking care of yourself – from embracing who you are to seeking out the kind of help you needed. That’s huge and you should feel proud of yourself for doing so.

Now, I will say that you’re right: I’m not a real doctor, so some of this is above my paygrade. So all of what I have to say should be filtered through the lens of “I’m just a loudmouth with a column”, rather than anything that resembles actual medical or mental health care.

So with that in mind, one thing that leapt out at me from your letter was about your home life, with the abusive stepfather and watching your mother deal with the same abuse. I have to wonder if some of the negative thoughts that keep coming up may stem in part from not just the trauma you and your mother went through, but also from guilt or shame from being abused or for not doing more – whether to confront your father, protect your mother or just somehow change your circumstances. A lot of folks who not only suffer abuse but watch family members be abused can feel like they’ve failed or internalize some of the abuse for the supposed sins of not being able to stop it, or even for letting it bother them so much.

It’s the sort of thing that makes sense in a f--ked up kid-logic kind of way – this idea that you should be able to do more, endure more, not let ‘em see you bleed – but completely ignores that you were a child. It’s a way of taking on responsibility that isn’t yours and assuming that you had far more control or even ability than you could have. This can be especially perverse, because it’s easy to look at someone else who’s gone through similar trauma and say “hey, this wasn’t your fault, there was nothing you could have done, you did nothing wrong here,” and then immediately turn around and say “But I, on the other hand, absolutely should’ve been able to, which is why I’m a horrible person.”

This is why I think one thing that may be important is to forgive yourself for, well, being a child and not being able to magically stop this abuse from happening. As you say: you may know this intellectually, but trying to accept it emotionally is a lot harder. This is why forgiving yourself can have a more profound reaction; you’re not accepting the emotional truth of it, so much as working with it and finding a way to deal with it that is easier to embrace because you aren’t fighting against that part of yourself. Wrapping your inner child in a hug like Robin Williams holding Matt Damon and saying “it’s not your fault” might go a long way here.

A similar method – that sort of emotional jiu-jitsu – could well work for dealing with those intrusive thoughts you keep having. You already know �– thanks to your work in therapy – that these unwelcome thoughts are just that: thoughts. They’re not real, they’re not true… but that doesn’t make them stop, nor does it make challenging them any easier. So perhaps the answer is to make it easier to challenge them.

As I’ve said before: our brains don’t know the difference between what we imagine and what’s real; they respond to imagined scenarios as though they are real. But because they’re imaginary and originate from within us, that means we have control over them… and that means we can change them. So in order to make those intrusive thoughts have less impact and easier to challenge, you can alter them. Not in what they say, so much as in how you “hear” them.

It’s one thing when your jerkbrain and anxiety weasels are whispering awful things in your voice, or the voice of someone you care about or who you admire. It’s another thing entirely if, say, you’re hearing it from Krusty the Clown. Or Daffy Duck. Or that weird flea from Spongebob Squarepants. Maybe it hurts when it comes from a trusted source, but when you hear those words from someone you could never take seriously, then suddenly it has all the impact of an underhanded toss of a decorative pillow. Who’s going to care about being told “You’re a horrible person who doesn’t deserve love” when it comes in the voice of Wealwell Gotch or Reacher Gilt?

By changing the voice “saying” those words, you take away it’s bite and externalize it; it goes from being “harsh truths” to pointless insults from someone you wouldn’t trust to give you an opinion on cheese. And because it comes from the “outside”, as it were, it’s easier not just to challenge it but to mock it. Making it absurd makes it easier to sass that voice right back. 

“Oooh, i’M nOT woRtHy of LOvE aNd kINDnEsS AnD uNdeRStAnDiNG…”

The key is to remember that you’re not trying to make it stop, per se, so much as just make it easier to dismiss. You expend less mental and emotional energy trying to counter it or challenge it, simply because… how could you ever take a squeaky-voiced 12-year-old trying to convince people he’s a real-deal political intellectual seriously?

Which is about as seriously as you should take those thoughts. So make ‘em absurd, make ‘em silly, and sass ‘em right back. That’ll make things a little easier while you’re seeking out your new therapist.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend smokes. Mostly he sees this as a bad habit he wishes he’d never started, but he has some ongoing health challenges (long COVID) and it would be too much of a stress on his system at the moment to quit.

I do not like the smoking, one because I think it smells disgusting, and two because I have sinus problems and being around smoke, dust, etc. gives me massive headaches. Most of the time, BF’s smoking does not bother me because he does it once a day late in the evening after I’ve gone to bed, and he can shower and brush his teeth afterwards. This is more or less sustainable and I wouldn’t leave him eventually if he didn’t quit or something.

The problem is one of BF’s friends, whom I’ll call Fabio. Fabio chain-smokes like a chain-smoking chain which won’t stop smoking (sorry, too tied to be clever.) Also, whatever it is that Chain – Smoking Fabio smokes smells even worse to me than usual. When hanging out, BF will typically borrow some of Fabio’s tobacco and smoke it as well.

I would like to hang out with Fabio more, because I like him personally and think he is nice to spend time with, and he also cares about BF deeply, which I support, but this is all deeply unpleasant for me! Last time I was so put off by the stink cloud that I gave my regrets early and left abruptly once BF started smoking, and told them both exactly why. F came back later and was disgusting-smelling enough even after the shower, etc. that I didn’t want to have sex with him.

Do you…have a better solution? What do I do? Gosh darn it I want to be social with them but it hurts when it feels like they’re choosing the tobacco over me.

Thanks!

Smoking on the water?

DEAR SMOKING ON THE WATER: Smell is possibly the most powerful of our senses – not in the sense of Wolverine-like acuity but in the impact that it has on us. Smell is so intensely connected to our brain that it can affect us and shape our behavior, even when we’re not consciously aware of it! And while people can put up with a lot…noxious fumes are something that can easily pierce our defenses and drive us goddamn bats--t.

And I feel you, SMW; I grew up in the 80s, which – despite what synthwave and weird-ass nostalgia will tell you – wasn’t neon all pinks and blues but mostly nicotine-yellow and brown and everything stunk of stale cigarette smoke. Even my friends who are devoted smokers will go out of their way to try to ensure that they keep the smell out of their homes.

But uh, hey, quick question: your guy has long COVID and still f--king smokes?? I know nicotine is a motherf--ker of an addiction to beat, but Jesus tap-dancing F--K, you’d think gasping like a fish on dry land would be enough to at least make him consider switching to nicotine gum or something instead.

But I do have to wonder: have you actually told your boyfriend how you feel and how much Fabio’s olfactory imitation of a tire fire bothers you? It seems to me that saying “hey, I want to hang around with you and Fabio more, but whatever he’s smoking is so rank that even doing the full Silkwood isn’t going to make a dent” shouldn’t be that hard of a lift to make. At the very least, it might convince your boyfriend to stop bumming cigs or hand-rolls from him. Especially if it’s causing you physical pain and it gets in the way of sexy times.

And, y’know. THE REDUCED LUNG CAPACITY AND DIFFICULTY BREATHING THAT COMES FROM LONG COVID.

It seems to me that saying “hey, I can live with your cigarettes, but Fabio’s are next level and I hate it with the passion of a thousand burning suns, could you both please not when I’m going to be around?” should be the first step in dealing with this. If Fabio Le Fume and your boy are good guys, then I don’t think either of them would have an objection to holding off or at least switching to your boyfriend’s brand while they visit.

In fact, you don’t mention whether you and your beau live together, or whose name is on the lease or mortgage if you do… but if your space is technically yours, you could institute a “no cigarettes, period” rule. This may be easier to enforce if you can sub in the aforementioned gum or a less-offensive-smelling vape as an option, especially if Fabio and your boy are the type who smoke in part because they need something to keep their hands occupied.

But seriously: start with speaking up. Asking them to not smoke whatever the hell Fabio’s carrying around when you’re there isn’t that unreasonable of an ask – not when it’s that nasty. There’re plenty of alternatives that aren’t going to leave everyone smelling like a coal fire at a wig factory and aren’t going to give you screaming migraines in the process.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com