DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30-year-old asexual woman who wants to find a partner. I’ve never been in a relationship or had sex or even kissed anyone, so that combined with my lack of attraction makes me nervous to date. 

I’ve tried apps in the past and have mostly gotten responses from people I’ve either had to explain asexuality to who then unmatched with me or tried to tell me I’d change once I had sex with them. 

I’m afraid that even if I find someone willing to understand asexuality they’ll be judgmental about my total lack of experience. My living situation also makes it hard to meet people. I live in a small Midwest town with a very small subset of LGBTQ people. The older I get, the more nervous I get that I won’t find someone who is understanding about my circumstances. 

Do you have any advice for getting over this fear and learning how to date at an older age?

Sexless In Shawnee

DEAR SEXLESS IN SHAWNEE: Quick question, SiS: you mention that you’re asexual. What sort of intimacy do you like – or at least think you would like? Do you want someone to cuddle and possibly kiss with, but not have it go any further? Do you not feel sexual desire or have no interest in it but no aversion to it, or does any form of sexual contact squick you out?

I ask, because I’m a big believer in leaning into who you are and what you want and need. If you want to date and find a partner who’s right for you, then leading with being ace and what that means for you and for your potential partners is inherently a good thing.

Asexuality, after all, is a broad label, and it comes in a wide variety of forms and flavors. Some people are actively sex-repulsed, some people can take or leave it, some people feel sexual desire so rarely or infrequently that they’re functionally asexual and so on. If you can tell people what you want, what you might be willing to try and what is an absolute hard “no”, it will be easier to find potential partners who are actually right for you. The better you can describe and explain the size, shape and texture of what you want and don’t want, the better you’ll be able identify folks who are going to be cool with the kind of relationships you want and to weed out the ones who aren’t going to be right for you.

This is one of the reasons why I think being up front about it – in your dating app profiles, with people who ask you out or with people you want to ask out – is a good thing. Thinking about your identity as an asexual person, how you experience it and how it influences and shapes your desire for a relationship helps you find ways to describe it to others in ways that they’ll understand and find relevant. It also will help you get more comfortable with owning the label as being no big deal.

Part of your anxiety stems from the fact that you’re seeing your asexuality as something shameful or that you have to apologize for, and it’s not. Yeah, there’re a lot of people who might have opinions about it, ranging from the ignorant to the just plain wrong… but their opinions about it and what being ace “means” doesn’t make it a flaw in you or something that needs to be fixed. They can think that it’s a deficiency or a problem all they want. They can also take a flying f--k at a rolling donut. Being ace is just part of who you are – no more of a defect than, say, being someone who likes cilantro. 

(Look, the stuff tastes nasty to me and I can detect it in parts per million so I can’t always just “eat around it” and… sorry I’m off track here.)

I think you will feel better if you treat your being asexual – and being open about being asexual – as a filter. Your being ace is a single detail about you, while how your potential beaus or belles respond to knowing you’re ace is going to tell you everything you need to know about them. And in that moment, you’re going to know who’s worth your time, who might be worth taking a chance on and who absolutely isn’t.

Some folks will be completely ignorant and stay ignorant, no matter what you tell them. Some will treat it as a challenge �– as though you’re under a witch’s curse and only can be cured by He Who Wields The Magic Stick. These are people who have either self-selected out of your dating pool or who’ve waved their red flags proudly and told you to go ahead and toss them back.

Some people may dip out immediately as soon as they know that sex and sexual intimacy isn’t on the table – or is only on the table in very limited ways. This is fine. It’s going to be important not to take this personally or as a judgement on you. If someone unmatches with you after finding out that you’re asexual, then ultimately, what they’re doing is acknowledging that you’re just not a good match. That’s not the same as telling you that you’re undesirable or unlovable; it’s saying “it’s cool, we just wouldn’t work as a couple”, and that’s good. Yeah, it kind of stings – because nobody likes being rejected – but it’s an acknowledgement of who you are and who they are. It’s respecting that you and they would have needs either couldn’t be met, or that trying to meet them would be troublesome at best for one or both of you.

But there will be people for whom sex isn’t necessarily a priority in their relationships. There will be people who may not necessarily grok it fully, but can understand it and respect it. Some people may be cool with it, but will want a non-monogamous relationship so that they can get their sexual needs met elsewhere. If that’s something you can rock with, then great! If not… well, again, that’s just a sign that you two aren’t right for one another; no harm, no foul.

But the folks who are cool with it – who may even be some form of asexual themselves – can’t find you unless they know you’re out there. And they can’t know that unless you let them know.

So my suggestion is that you take a little time to think about what you do and don’t want and come up with a detailed list of your yes’, no’s and maybe’s, as well as the context for those maybes. Then play around with it and come up with a couple versions of the “here’s how you win with me” speech – the detailed, 12” dance mix that gets down into it and the elevator pitch, where you lay out the broad brushstrokes, with more information upon request. Put variants of the elevator pitch in your dating app profiles and have a version that you can rattle off if, say, you meet the himbo of your dreams at mini-golf or in Starbucks and they want to take you on a date.

Now, I’m going to be honest: this is going to mean that you’re going to get a lot more “no’s” than “yes’”. Asexual people are a very small percentage of the population; most people who want a romantic relationship are going to also want and expect a sexual connection. But as I said: this is why you lean into being ace; you want to filter them out as early as possible, so that neither you nor they spend time on a relationship that isn’t going to go anywhere. But being up front means that it will also be easier to find the people who are right for you.

Oh, and speaking of finding people who are right for you: another benefit of leading with being asexual is that the folks who are right for you are absolutely going to understand why you don’t have any dating experience. After all, you want people who are going to be understanding and compassionate. If they aren’t, that’s their flaw, not yours.

On the other hand, if someone is cool with your being ace but also thinks its “weird” that you haven’t dated or had previous sex partners… well, I have to wonder if they actually understand what being ace means. And even then, they’re telling you that they’re absolutely not someone you want to rock with, and you’re free to let them find a better match somewhere else.

But like I said: this isn’t something to apologize for, nor to roll out like you’re ashamed of it. It’s just who you are and part of what makes you uniquely you. Anyone who’s worthy of you will understand that and appreciate it. You deserve someone who gets you and appreciates all of you; don’t settle for anything less, especially when it comes to love.

You’ve got this, SiS.  

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (23/M) met a woman, “Sally” (21/F) on Hinge a little over two months ago. We messaged for a week, had some solid banter, and eventually decided to meet up.

Our first date was drinks at a rooftop bar — casual, low pressure. We talked for almost three hours. Sally laughed at my jokes, asked a ton of questions, and even mentioned a second date before we’d finished our first round. The second date was a cozy dinner at a cute Thai place and a long walk in the park nearby afterward. we walked around for a bit, just talking about life and music and weird things we did as kids. At one point, she grabbed my arm while laughing at a story I told. Not just a polite laugh but full-throated, head-tilted back laughing. We had a good-night kiss when I walked her back to her car – a quick one, not open-mouth or anything. I thought it was going really well.

The third date was different. We went to a trivia night at a bar with some of her friends. I knew that it was as much a test of will I get along with her friends as it was a date, so I was nervous, but I tried to play it cool. I made a few corny team name jokes and maybe got a little too into the game (I really like trivia and I knew some of the topics really really well — it wasn’t a big deal, or so I thought). I was trying my best to charm her friends as well as have a good time with her, but I got the sense that something shifted that night. She seemed a little distant by the end.

The next day, I texted her thanking her for the night and said I’d love to see her again. She replied with: “Hey, you’re super sweet, but I think I got the ick and I’m not feeling it anymore. Sorry.”

That was it. No explanation. Just “the ick.” What am I supposed to do with this information?

I’d always thought that term was kind of silly, like something people say on TikTok when someone chews with their mouth open or wears socks with sandals. But now I’m obsessing over what I did that triggered it. Was I too into trivia? Was I trying too hard to impress her friends? Was it how I ate my pad thai on the second date? Did I talk about my job too much? Was my job too weird? I keep replaying everything, searching for a moment where I crossed some invisible line from “charming” to “repulsive.”

I know people are allowed to lose interest; I’ve done it too. But something about being rejected with “the ick” just feels… harsh. Like I didn’t just not click, but I actively turned her off. It’s left me feeling weirdly embarrassed and kind of gross, like there’s something off about me that I didn’t realize was off-putting.

How do you deal with rejection like that when it feels so personal and vague? How do I stop spiraling into self-doubt every time I go on a date now, wondering if I’m about to “ick” someone else?

Sincerely,

Trying Not to Overthink It (But Failing)

DEAR TRYING NOT TO OVERTHINK IT: What I’m about to tell you will feel like it doesn’t help, TNOI, but stick with me for a second: you will never know what you did that gave her “the ick”, nor is it something that you will be able to change. And this is important, because it doesn’t matter. Not a single bit. There is no need or reason to change it, because there’s nothing to change.

Here’s the thing: “the ick” is, at its core, the ultimate “it’s not you, it’s me”, without even being a polite fiction. When people talk about something giving them “the ick”, the trigger is always something that’s perfectly normal – even common – in the person who caused it, and the reaction is completely personal to the person feeling it. There aren’t universal lists of what causes “the ick” because if it were universal, it wouldn’t be “the ick”; it would just be stuff that turns people off. Smelling bad – especially cases of seriously bad breath – is one example. So is being rude to service industry employees or never actually asking their date questions about themselves. All the things that people will list as giving them “the ick” tend to be about their responses to innocuous behaviors that most people would never think twice about. It’s just something that, for some reason, causes the person experiencing it to get that full-body shudder of “uggh” that blows away even the slightest bit of attraction.

The reason for it can be variable. There’re studies that seem to suggest that there’re psychological reasons for it, and some experts that believe that it might be a sort of emotional self-protection; the person’s Spidey-Sense is being tingling about something, but they don’t know what, so they blame it on something they can perceive about the other person. It could even be a matter of taste or past experience; someone might have bad associations after dating a beer snob, so if you order an IPA or you’re a little too enthusiastic about a nice hefeweizen on a hot day, they might cringe. Sometimes it’s even just a misunderstanding – one writer talks about how she got the ick from a guy because he seemed to be a stereotypical ‘softboi’, but realized that his behavior wasn’t just performance and posturing.

But the point is that, at the end of the day, there was something that they didn’t like or that bothered them and that was that. It was something common, normal and innocuous, and that was a turn off for them and them alone.

The important thing to realize is that this is ultimately a them problem, not a you problem. Sally got “the ick” because of something that had to do with Sally, not with you. Maybe it was legitimately something you did, maybe it was how she interpreted things, maybe she was just flailing around for a way to say “I’m not interested” in a way that precluded the possibility of your arguing with her about it. But the “what” doesn’t matter. Neither does the “why”. It just matters that she decided she wasn’t feeling it any longer and that was that.

It’s entirely understandable that you’re feeling confused and upset. As far as you knew, things were going well, so having the rug pulled out from under you like this feels sudden and confusing. It feels like you must have made a mistake somewhere for the change to be this sudden and this severe. I get why you want to understand and what to fix it… but there’s nothing to be fixed.

You’re not supposed to “do” anything with this information, simply because there’s nothing to be done. Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that her issue was that she thought that your enthusiasm at trivia was too much. Bar trivia and pub quizzes are things you love. Do you really want to be dating someone who thinks that the thing you enjoy – or the way you enjoy it – is cringe? Would you rather try to repress liking the things you like or to like them in a more “respectable” way (for suitably subdued and unenthusiastic definitions of “respectable”) in order to date her, or would you rather date someone who, if she doesn’t share your enthusiasm or enjoyment, at least appreciates that you do? Would you honestly be happy continuing to see someone who gets a sour expression, rolls her eyes and purses her lips until they look like a cat’s butthole every time you answer a question in a party game?

Probably not. So, in a perverse and not-terribly-pleasant way, she did you a favor. She self-selected out of your dating pool and now you’re free to find someone who isn’t going to have whatever hangup she had.

It’s frustrating, I know. But it’s important to understand that this wasn’t something you did wrong. It’s not something gross or off-putting, it was just something that she didn’t like, for reasons that were unique to her. Maybe she could have sat with that feeling a bit and analyzed it and figured out what bothered her and whether it really bothered her or just brought something else up. Maybe she could push past it, or deal with the underlying issue. And hey, maybe she did sit down and wrestle with it, and at the end of the day, it was an issue that was too deep-seated to root out quickly. But – and I can’t emphasize this enough – that still means that it’s about her, not you.

The way you feel is understandable. It’s ok that it bothers you. Rejection for any reason kinda sucks. You can acknowledge that this hurts and also recognize that this was her weird and petty issue. It’s one of those annoying little parts about dating that we’re all subject to, and sometimes the only thing to do is to say “well that sucked,” shrug your shoulders and move on. I know you liked her, but I promise: there’s a lot of fine ladies out there, and they’re not going to have whatever hang-up she did. Women clearly dig what you’ve got, so keep at it. False starts mean little beyond freeing you up to find someone who is right for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve never dated. In my twenties, I put myself out there a lot, going to parties and using dating apps, but I never seemed to get even the slightest bit of interest. I was just your typical young adult trying to figure things out – making mistakes, learning lessons, and often falling short. While I wouldn’t say I was in a terrible spot compared to some people, my mental health was all over the place.

To try and address my lack of success with dating, I’d go on internet forums looking for advice, post my photograph on Reddit to get a rating on my appearance, and even hired a dating coach at one point. The comments back were always the same: “You’re good-looking. You shouldn’t be having any issues. Go pick up a few hobbies and you’ll soon meet someone.” I tried everything, but nothing worked.

I felt invisible, and comparing myself to others only made it worse. It was especially hard when I saw even the most troubled men – those dealing with depression, addiction, suicidal thoughts, or even known abusers, still manage to get dates or take women home from a night out. Here I was, a genuinely kind and somewhat put-together guy, cracking jokes and generally being someone that people liked to know, and I couldn’t even get someone to have a coffee with me. Those people, in the midst of their despair, were worthy of love by simple virtue of being a human-being. So, why wasn’t I? I could never understand it, and to this day, I still can’t. Back then, it honestly felt like the universe had decided I was meant to be alone.

At some point, I resigned myself to my fate. I told myself that if things didn’t change by the time I reached my thirties, I wouldn’t bother dating at all. I figured if no one could love me back then, why would I bother trying to connect with someone after I’d “got myself together”?

So I shifted my focus to my career and cut out toxic people. I got fitter. After the COVID lockdowns were lifted, I spent time developing a few hobbies. Now that I’m in my thirties, life is the best it’s ever been, even with its challenges. I’ve had what people would call a “glow-up.”

My career and hobbies have put me in contact with a lot of women, but while things have shifted, they’re not in the way I’d hoped. Now that I’m older, most of the women I meet are either much older, married, or already in relationships. I do have good relationships with the women I know, and it’s clear that I’m respected, popular, and considered fun to be around, but the women who might be available don’t really make an effort to connect. At best, I might catch an occasional glance, but it always feels more like “I see you’re here,” and not “I’d love to get to know you.” Even if I thought someone was interested, I don’t think I’d make a move. I’ve gotten so used to being ignored or overlooked that I’ve started to doubt anyone would actually want to get to know me, or there’s resentment for potentially being a “last option”.

The truth is, I was just as lovable in my twenties as I am now. But after so many years of being invisible, it’s hard not to start questioning myself. I want someone who sees me – not just as a face in the crowd, but as someone they’re genuinely excited to be with. Someone who feels that spark, that chemistry, that desire to really connect – and to tear off my clothes in a bedroom. I want more than just lukewarm interest or, worse, indifference.

It’s frustrating. And it’s been painful, especially knowing that I’ve done the inner work to become a better person. I’m not perfect, but I’m real.

When Will They See Me?

DEAR WHEN WILL THEY SEE ME: Right off the bat, WWTSM, I’m proud of you for recognizing how much toxicity you were wallowing in and for pulling yourself out of it. That takes strength, and you should give yourself more credit for what you’ve accomplished – even more than your glow up. Because you’re right: you were lovable then, just as you are now. That’s a really important realization, and I’m thrilled that you made that connection. I want to see you keep that progress going by continuing on this path, not backsliding or falling back into negative patterns.

So, here’s the thing that’s tripping you up: it’s great that you’ve cut out so much of that toxicity and put so much effort into yourself, but there’s a lot of internal pain that you haven’t addressed yet. You’ve put a lot of time and effort into doing the external work, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve put a commensurate level of work into healing the wounds you’re carrying.

Case in point: you were looking at these troubled men, men who were still getting dates and relationships and seeing it as being “despite” their flaws – as though those made them (and by extension, you) less “worthy” or “deserving” of love. And that’s precisely the issue: the idea that someone is more “worthy” or “deserving” of love than others, or that love is a reward given to people rather than something built between folks. Because you were seeing these people who were “undeserving” getting what you wanted, while you still struggled, you took it as a sign that there was something worse about you. After all, if you were better than them, why were they succeeding where you fail?

But that’s the thing: there wasn’t anything worse about you, because love isn’t about “deserving” or being “worthy”. You thought there was, and you’ve held onto this for so long that you can’t really imagine life without it. But that’s precisely the issue. When you say “Even if I thought someone was interested, I don’t think I’d make a move”, you are so very close to seeing what the problem is. The issue isn’t that people don’t find you loveable or desirable. The issue is that you don’t believe they could, and that infuses everything you do. You aren’t finding those connections or feeling the possibilities in part because you don’t think other people could possibly like you. You’re holding yourself back because you think you’ve failed before you’ve even started and so you don’t even try. Why invest the effort if it’s doomed to fail? So, you don’t show people who you are, you don’t invite them in, nor do you give them a chance.

You’re hoping that someone else is going to be so motivated and so persuasive that they’ll overcome your doubts and convince you for you, but that’s not how it works. People aren’t going to fight your demons for you, especially not when you’re not fighting them first. People aren’t going to be so motivated to push past all the “not interested” signals you’re sending, nor are they going to take up sword and shield in your defense for you. And considering that you wouldn’t believe them even if they did – especially with that lingering sense of resentment you mention – then there’s no reason for them to do so.

This is why I keep hammering the line about how you have to love yourself first; if you don’t, you’re not going to give people the chance to love you and you’re not going to make it easier for them if they try. Asking someone to fight to show you love that you won’t show yourself is never going to work, especially if it’s going to be an impossible fight. If you aren’t willing to fight for yourself, why should they?

You need to start healing those wounds you’re still carrying around. I know I say “go to therapy” like I’m Carl Jung’s hype man, but the fact of the matter is that you need help addressing these issues. Nobody would expect you to remove your own appendix or set your own broken limbs; you would want help from a doctor or surgeon. Those inner wounds aren’t going to go away on their own and you don’t have the training or the perspective to see them for what they are. Getting help from someone who can actually help you, on the other hand, will make all the difference.

You’ve already proven that you have incredible strength of will. You’ve made titanic changes to your life already and brought yourself incredibly far, all on your own. I’m here to tell you that you still have further to go, because there’s still so much you haven’t addressed yet and haven’t even recognized as being part of the problem.

I know it feels like you should be ‘done’ already. I know it feels like you’ve had to move mountains and the idea that there’s still more to do is incredibly demoralizing.  But while there’s further to go, you don’t need to do this all on your own. You are allowed – and should – ask for help from people who are actually trained and ready to help you.

You are so close to being where you want to be that it would be a tragedy to not put in that last bit of effort to finally see and address those remaining issues. You’ve reached out to me, so you have the capacity to reach out to a therapist and get the help you need to bring you to the end of this journey. And I’m here from the future to tell you: at the end of this is someone who will be ready, willing and able to not just accept and embrace his own desirability, but to let other people see it, let them in and allow them embrace it too.

You’re almost there, WWTSM. You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com