DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This isn’t so much a question about dating, but more of a “why am I so bad at socialising?” kind of inquiry.

I’m the type of person that everyone assumes is always surrounded by friends or potential partners. At classes and events, I’m often the one bringing people together, welcoming newcomers, and being the regular face that people recognise. At work, I’m one of the more outgoing people, and mingle with those outside of my department too. I talk to everyone I meet, and I make an effort to make people laugh, feel at ease, and be heard, and I genuinely seem to do this quite well. It seems people think positively of me, because I often hear comments about how social I am or how I must have a busy social life. Yet, the truth is, while I do go to a couple of classes each week and attend some parties, most of the time I’m at home, alone, and not talking to anyone. I don’t really have any friends, and I do wonder if people are just lying or putting up with me.

What really bothers me is that no one adds me on social media. I have just three “friends” on Facebook, and eight followers on Instagram. When I check the profiles of people I know, they have hundreds of friends and followers. Recently, a girl I know was suggested to me by the algorithm, and even though I’ve known her for months, she’s already connected with a guy who joined our class only two weeks ago. The same applies to someone I’ve known for several years!

I know that the number of followers doesn’t reflect the quality of relationships, and it doesn’t necessarily mean someone is “popular”. But it does show a certain level of willingness to connect, even if it’s just to add another follower to a count. In my case, though, it feels like people aren’t even interested in doing that. In today’s world, social media connections matter because they can lead to new opportunities and help you meet new people, which in turn opens more doors. Needless to say, I don’t go on dates either, and I think this is part of the reason why. It’s been this way my entire life, and I’m incredibly lonely.

I don’t want to shift the focus to why I’m not adding them. I’m already making an effort to build relationships in person. What I’d like to focus on is why people don’t seem to reach out to me.

Reach Out And Touch Someone

DEAR REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE: My guy, I understand why you don’t necessarily want to focus on why you’re not adding people, but that’s actually part of it.

Here’s the thing: connecting with people and making friends is a mutual-participation affair. It’s very hard to make a relationship – whether platonic, romantic or sexual – happen when only one person is taking an active role. Part of this is out of fairness, balance and reciprocity; nobody likes feeling like their relationship with someone is one-sided, after all. Another part is that you have to show that you’re interested in being friends or connecting on social media or what-have-you. Very few people want to go where they’re not wanted, and they don’t necessarily want to try to connect with someone who doesn’t seem like they’re interested in having some sort of relationship. At best, it can be rude, at worst, it seems like you’re forcing yourself onto someone who’s not interested, and so a lot of people hold back without at least some sign of interest if not an explicit invitation.

Some of this is about shyness and being afraid of bothering folks. While there’re lots of people who are socially confident and have no problem making the first or unilateral moves to connect with people, there’re also a whole lot of folks who don’t want to come off as being presumptive or pushy or who worry that they’re bothering the other person. Sometimes this worry even extends when you are already friends. God knows I have friends who I am always happy to hear from who worry that they’re bothering me when they reach out to talk… and to be honest, I’m the same with some people I don’t feel like I’m that close to yet, so I get it.

It ain’t logical, mind you. But who said this had anything to do with logic?

But I think a bigger part of this – and the part that’s most relevant to you – is that you’re working from this assumption you shouldn’t have to signal to others that you’re cool with connecting with them outside of work or class. That they should just want to reach out and make the first move because… well, because. But the problem with this outlook is that unless you’re so incredibly compelling or charismatic or what-have-you that people are motivated to risk a social faux pas and make that first move regardless of whether there was some affirmative sign, most people simply aren’t going to roll those particular dice. And the vast majority of the population just isn’t that magnetic.

(And to be blunt: the people who are most on the receiving end of that sort of attention online tend to be women, who are dealing with men with over-developed senses of entitlement. It ain’t fun, it ain’t flattering and most of the people who’ve encountered this are worried about coming off like that themselves.)

Now, an important part of all of this is perception and people’s impression of who you are. That is: your peers’ idea of who you are, based on the way they’ve seen you in class or at work is affecting how they interact with you. It’s easy to forget that people only see a limited slice of our lives, and the version of you they encounter may not be representative of your holistic self. You can be a very different person at work than you are when you’re off the clock, after all… but the people you work with may not have reason to think that. Not without some evidence to the contrary, anyway.

You mention holding court at classes and events and how everyone assumes you must have an incredibly busy social life. We both know that’s not the case, but that’s the assumption people are making based on their perception of you at these events. If you’re not giving affirmative indications that you’re interested in seeing these people outside of work or class or the events you’re going to, they may well assume that you’re busy as hell and they’d be intruding if they hit you up to go see the new MCU movie or to join them and their friends for drinks after work. It’s not that they’re not interested in being friends or seeing more of you, so much as they think that you may not have time for them, and they don’t want to presume.

The same goes for social media. A lot of people treat social media as an extension of their in-person relationships and aren’t necessarily going to intrude where they don’t think they’re welcome, especially if it’s a platform where they’re mostly connecting with friends, rather than one that’s more about broadcasting or consuming other people’s content (like, say, TikTok, Bluesky or Twitter). It’s generally assumed that on Bluesky or Twitter that you don’t need to ask permission to follow someone if their account isn’t locked down, whereas you have to send a request on Facebook or WhatsApp; that creates a different set of expectations in terms of etiquette.

Now, there’re a lot of open questions and assumptions based into the issue, such as “are you sure most of your classmates and colleagues are active on Facebook in the first place?” A lot of Gen Z and Gen Alpha actively avoid Facebook because it’s a place for The Olds; it’s not impossible that many of your peers just don’t use the platform. You’re also assuming that they know you even have a Facebook or Instagram profile in the first place, if you haven’t mentioned it specifically. Many people do, yes, but it’s not a guarantee, and folks aren’t necessarily going to go actively seeking you out without reason to do so.

But this also goes back to the being an active participant and providing some form of affirmative invitation. You mention, for example, that someone you’ve known for months was suggested to you by the algorithm, and only recently at that. This suggests to me that you’re not interacting with any of your peers on these platforms. Are you not giving likes or reactions on their posts? Are you commenting on the things they share or tagging them in discussions or posts that may be of interest to them? If you’re not, I’m not surprised that you’re not seeing any sort of interest from them, while folks who joined the class more recently are connecting. If they’re commenting and reacting and sharing back and forth and you aren’t, it’s entirely understandable that they’re mutuals, while you’re sitting around and twiddling your thumbs.

Plus, on platforms that don’t have an algorithmic timeline, if you’re not interacting with people, they’re far less likely to find you or follow you – especially if they’re not motivated to seek you out on their own with no prompting from you. Part of why people get frustrated about a lack of follows on BlueSky is that they’re not participating in conversations; they’re hanging their shingle out in the middle of nowhere, without anyone knowing that they’re there in the first place and wondering why they’re not getting any metaphorical foot traffic. Participating in those discussions online is part of how you build a following – not just with the person you’re talking to, but with other people who are seeing those conversations.

So, if you’re sitting back and waiting for people to follow you, I’m not surprised that nothing is happening. Not only are you not giving any sort of sign that you want to interact with them outside of a work/class/event context, they’re just not seeing you in the first place. ��Don’t forget: almost every social media platform out there uses some form of algorithmic feed, and engagement and participation is part of how it decides who gets shown to whom. If you’re just sitting there, waiting for people to know you’re there, you could be waiting for a while until someone has a reason to actively search for you. And, for that matter, if they do search for you and you don’t show much activity on your profile, they may assume that you just don’t use that platform and it’s a dead or dormant account. And that lack of activity is also going to drop you down in the algorithm’s results.

Is it a bad thing that we let black box code dictate if our friends see us or who finds us online? F--k yes. But as with many issues in life, you can wish for a better world but you gotta live in this one.

All of this applies to dating as much as it does to socializing, by the by. Things don’t change, just because we’re talking about platonic friendships instead of romance or sex.

So, dragging this back to what I said at the top: the question of why you aren’t sending friend requests or following people is very relevant to the issue. If you’re trying to make some sort of point about the one-sidedness of the interest or trying to prove that people are just tolerating you and don’t actually like you… well, this is a bad way of proving things. If this is about wanting people to show that they like you enough to reach out, the fact that you seem to be coming across as “social, but uninterested” is going to put people off, because they don’t want to be rude and bother you if you’re not interested.

As I’m so often saying: if you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. You may not want to talk about why you’re not reaching out first or showing interest first, but that’s going to be a big part of how you signal to others that you’re interested in being friends. If you’re friendly but distant, people are going to take that as a sign that you want to keep them at arm’s length. If you’re Solemn Face McGee when you’re not “on”, they’re going to think you’re just not friendly. And if this is about feeling like you shouldn’t have to provide those invitations or show interest first or make the first move, then you have to decide which is more important to you: being right or having friends.

I suggest that you do some serious introspection and consider how you’re coming across at work, in class and elsewhere. If people are assuming you’re this perpetually busy social butterfly, then that would indicate you’ve got the social skills part necessary to make friends. You just have to take the next step and show that you’re interested in making friends, instead of hoping that someone will divine this out of thin air. You need to be a more active participant – online and off. Ask people if you can send them a friend request, comment on their posts, invite people to do stuff, even if it’s just to sit with you at lunch.

Show that you want to connect with people and make friends, and more people will not only take you up on your offer, but will feel like it’s appropriate for them to ask you, too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really like your blogs and insightful advice with helping others in today’s dating world. I’m 32 years old, I live on my own and I consider myself very independent. However, I’m mostly introverted and hardly ever meet people. I have plenty of hobbies, like the gym and cooking and reading. I was also a porn addict for a long time, but I’m trying to change that as well as getting rid of other bad habits. 

Whenever I hear that saying that we find someone when we’re not looking, to me it sounds like something has to be suppressed or bottled up. For months now I’ve kind of minded my own business, go to work, come home, distract myself with hobbies etc. But the more I try not to think about being attracted or interested in someone, the more nonchalant I try to act, the more these thoughts pop back into my head, and tension starts hurting, which sometimes makes it hard to sleep at night. I’ve been mostly trying to repress my sexuality and libido too by even going as far as nofap. 

And even if there was an opportunity for me to approach a girl or give a girl a compliment, I just sort of avoid it because we find things when we’re not trying. Of course, there are lots of girls at the gym but I try not to let lust overtake me, which is something I’m trying to work on. I guess this is what being a monk must feel like lol. So basically, I feel as if I’m not supposed to meet anybody unless it’s by random chance. This might continue well into my mid 30s and early 40s but I’ll try to accept it. And starting July 1st, I decided to take a break from dating apps because they’re a bit addicting. Until then I guess I gotta keep acting nonchalant and have a “whatever” attitude.

And I’m Like “Whatever”

DEAR AND I’M LIKE “WHATEVER”: I know “the problem you think you have isn’t the problem you actually have” has evolved into something between a trope and a cliché around here, but, frankly, you packed a whole lot of “well there’s your problem!” into one letter.

Honestly, it’s kind of impressive. Let’s pick this sucker apart, shall we?

It seems like the problem at the center of all of this is that you’ve got a very odd idea of how “you’ll find it when you’re not looking” is supposed to work. The reason why we say that is because it’s incredibly easy to get so goal-oriented and so focused on achieving a particular outcome that you end up making it harder on yourself and sabotaging your own efforts.

Think of it like playing a particularly difficult video game, where you’re getting stuck on a particular level or a particular boss; for whatever reason, this one area, this one fight just keeps stymieing you. There’s just this specific hurdle that you just can’t get past, even as you try over and over again. You may even get so close that it seems like success is finally in your grasp and then something shoots out of nowhere to deny you victory and cause you to stress-test the structural integrity of your controller and/or your wall.

And, to add insult to injury, your inability to beat this one part of the game is actually making it harder for you to even get back to that section. Every time you die, you get set back to a previous checkpoint and you’re in a rush to reach your roadblock… but now you’re so keyed up that your timing is off, you’re making foolish mistakes out of impatience and you get set back even further.

But if you take a break from the game and come back to it later, you end up breezing past it like it was nothing. Why? Because you broke the cycle of frustration, gave yourself a chance to relax and recharge and focus less on the goal and more just on enjoying the game.

Dating can be a lot like this. When you get hung up on a specific goal or milestone and it becomes your primary focus, you tense up. You’re only interested in achieving this one thing, but you are so intent on succeeding in this specific area that it’s starting to negatively affect everything else… particularly the very skills and attitudes that make it possible to succeed in the first place. You’re no longer being genuine or in the moment, you’re not open to serendipity, you’re not enjoying your passions and interests, you’re just doggedly trying to get that date, get that girlfriend by the deadline, lose your virginity, what-have-you. So not only are you putting an intense amount of pressure on yourself to achieve something that you can’t guarantee – you can’t control how other people feel, after all – but you’re doing it in such a way that you’re making yourself less attractive as a prospective partner.

Case in point: you’re doing a lot of things in the name of “not looking for it” that isn’t going to help you, and it’s only going to hurt. You already are living your life in a way that’s pretty isolating – your hobbies seem to be of the solitary variety, and you’re spending most of your time alone. That’s going to cut off most avenues of actually meeting people, simply by definition – as I’m always saying, women aren’t going to spontaneously ring your doorbell and ask to date, nor are they going to come crashing through your window. Dating apps – problematic as they can be – are fine as a supplement, but you’ve got to go where the people are, and they’re not in your apartment.

Likewise, avoiding talking to people isn’t going to make you more likely to meet someone special. It’s quite the opposite; all you’re doing is ensuring you’re missing opportunities that come your way while also helping to decrease the number of opportunities by coming off as being unfriendly and uninterested in other people. You don’t need to be a social butterfly and hitting on women you see at the gym – in fact, it’s better that you don’t – but avoiding any sort of interpersonal contact for fear of “wanting it” is only going to make things harder, not easier.

The same goes with trying to repress your libido. Having a sex drive and masturbating aren’t keeping you from meeting people or possibly finding a date. You may well have a problematic relationship with porn, but that’s not the issue either; porn is how you’re self-medicating, not why you’re single. The primary reason why it could be interfering with meeting someone is if you’re choosing to stay home and spank it instead of going out because you’re choosing to avoid talking to people and risking rejection. But eliminating your desire for sex isn’t going to change that. All you’re doing is frustrating yourself by trying to pretend you don’t have desires that you very clearly do, and devoting even more of your mental and emotional bandwidth to trying to shut it down. That leaves you with less energy and ability to meet people while also not addressing the underlying issues.

When we say “It’ll happen when you least expect it” or “You’ll find it when you stop looking”, the point isn’t to doggedly ignore your desire for sex or companionship and suppress your emotions until you make a Vulcan look positively unhinged and a monk look like a playboy. The point is to live your life, particularly in ways that bring you in contact with other people – especially people who share your interests and passions – in an organic fashion. While yes, random chance is part of the equation, it’s not pure randomness. It’s about putting yourself in serendipity’s path.

If you want to meet someone who, to pull a random example, loves the Dungeon Crawler Carl series, you’re going to have a lot more success if you start going to a fantasy book club or volunteering at your local sci-fi/fantasy convention. You’re improving the likelihood of meeting someone who also loves the books because you’re spending time at activities and events that attract people with similar interests �– interests that have a lot of crossover with yours. Meeting more people in general + people whose interests frequently overlap with yours = a greater likelihood of meeting someone who’s your type, single and is part of the Princess Posse.

At the same time, however, you don’t want to go to these specifically to hit on people – not unless these are events that’re designated as being for that purpose. What you want to be doing is going to these events because they’re things you enjoy and because they’ll bring you in contact with other people who enjoy them. Many of those people are potential new friends! Some may be people you might want to date! Or your new friends might know people who you might want to date. But by going to these with the intent on just enjoying yourself and making new friends, you take the pressure off yourself to “perform”. You’re not pushing yourself to reach the goal of “Fill the Hole Marked ‘Girlfriend’”, so instead you’re able to meet and interact with people as people, to be present and in the moment instead of considering every word and gesture and micro-expression you make. You’re able to be yourself, to be genuine and authentic – things that will make you far more appealing to the people you’d want to date than being a weirdly intense “I NEED YOUR NUMBER AND I NEED IT YESTERDAY” gremlin.

It’s far easier to get a date with someone who’s gotten to know you over a period of days or weeks than it is to convince a complete stranger to say “yes” when they’ve known you for twenty minutes. It’s fundamentally impossible to get a date by doing nothing and avoiding people.

If you actually want to meet someone, you do have to put in the effort to actually, y’know, meet them. But it gets much easier if you’re meeting people – not just single, attractive women but people – while you’re out living your best life, engaging in your passions and generally putting yourself in fortune’s path. That’s very different from falling to the NoFap cult and avoiding talking to anyone, ever.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been devouring your content for a while. It’s refreshing to find someone who isn’t from manosphere type spaces. Because of a lot of personal social hardships and traumas I’ve faced, I’ve had a lot of trouble with social connections and dating/sex – some of it was due to mistakes I made, while others were due to discrimination, bullying, and other factors. I’m often insecure about how a lot of people hook up and date in university, but I struggled to even get any positive attention from women no matter how hard I tried. That led me down some dark paths.

Anyway, your content is something I found really valuable about how connection and vulnerability are the bedrocks (pun intended) of sexual or other connections. I’ve also struggled generally with online dating – pretty much no luck at all.

This brings me to my dilemma – due to bullying and discrimination, I often found myself ‘masking’ and shrinking into myself more, becoming afraid to talk about any of my interests in depth, or showing off any traits that could give away that I’m autistic. This was developed over years growing up due to adverse experiences like bullying or negative judgment. I have some friends with whom I gradually open up more. Also, Autistic/neurodiversity advocacy is a big part of my life. However, I’m still often hesitant to share that part of me with people I meet, including women, because I’m terrified of being judged because of stigma. Certain interests of mine are also stereotypically Autistic, like trains, Sonic the Hedgehog, Star Wars, etc.

I’ve seen a lot of valuable videos on how to try and make yourself more approachable, how to be socially calibrated to avoid creeping out women – that’s something I struggled with a lot, in large part due to my anxiety and bitterness consuming me so much it would make me terrified to talk to women and thus be kind of hovering around hesitantly or otherwise coming off as intense (not necessarily in a good way). Of course, I’m also aware of studies of how Autistic people are often quickly judged as less likeable due to snap judgments. Growing up people would often clock me as ‘weird’ or ‘off’.

After a lot of reflection and some of your content I’m realizing the importance of vulnerability and just how much of myself I often keep masked or hidden from others which is a huge hindrance to intimacy in general. But at the same time the fear and stigma and anxiety are rooted so deeply within me as to be nearly paralyzing.

Given the centrality of autism and Autistic advocacy to my life, and how people knowing I’m Autistic can often explain away certain differences, I have to wonder: Is it worth revealing that part of me to women I’m interested in early on? I know the world is more accepting than it once was, but I’m still often bombarded with messages about how shallow people can be and sometimes people do still treat me poorly. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder if me revealing my Autistic identity in my childhood could possibly have stopped the bullying and helped people (including girls) understand me better.

Also, is it a good idea to disclose that on a dating profile? I’ve seen a lot of mixed opinions on that. What’s yours?

The few successful (but very short-lived) sexual interactions I had were with friends who I had fully opened up to, and were often Autistic or neurodivergent themselves. They were all kind of flukes, and not all that great. And I’ve never been in an official relationship – due in part to my strong emotional attachments and dealing with heartbreak poorly and thus becoming afraid to truly like someone. I’m also at a point in my life where I’d probably date more casually, anyway.

I’d love to hear your thoughts/insights if you have any for me.

When Do I Tell?

DEAR WHEN DO I TELL: I’m not surprised that you’re a little gun-shy about telling people you’re autistic, WDIT. It’s an understandable response when folks have hurt you and insulted you and bullied you over something that’s part of what makes you uniquely you. But, like a lot of defense mechanisms, I suspect that this form of protecting yourself isn’t actually meeting your needs. It may have in the past, when your needs and circumstances were different… but it seems pretty clear to me that it’s only hindering you now.

I will freely admit that neurodivergent people face challenges. Our society and culture as it currently stands is, if not actively hostile, at least unaccommodating and unsympathetic to the needs of people who are varying flavors of neurodivergent. The pressure to conform and mask in order to “fit in” and move through the world smoothly is intense. But at the same time, masking and hiding one’s neurodivergence creates more problems than it actually solves.

I’m a believer that hiding this side of yourself is a poor choice. It may be a necessary one at times – the best of a bad set of options – but one that ultimately works against you and your overall goals in a number of important ways. Being open about who you are, while challenging and often intimidating, is going to be better in terms of advancing what you want in both society and in your personal life.

On the macro level, a lot of the stigma against autism and neurodivergence is based out of ignorance and stereotypes. Even supposedly “good” stereotypes regarding autistic people are dehumanizing; they’re more akin reducing a person to particular traits or (worse) to “party tricks” instead of as individuals. Much of it comes from other people speaking for (and over) autistic people, denying them agency and individuality, rather of listening or letting autistic people advocate for themselves. That lets neurotypical people set the terms and – importantly – set expectations for how “real” autistic people behave and “should” be treated.

(And goes a long way towards treating neurodivergence as something to be “cured”, I might add, instead of just being how someone is.)

Being open and up front about being autistic forces people to see the person and not the stereotype. It makes someone an individual, with their own quirks, flaws and features, rather than part of a nameless, faceless collection of issues and “problems” – a one-size-fits-all description that sands away any variance or uniqueness and encourages people to see all autistic folks one way.

People tend to be more accepting and understanding and change their views when they realize that someone they know and love is autistic; they see the person, not the archetype they’re told to expect.

But being open is important on the individual level too, in no small part because it gives context to an individual and who they are. It helps round out people’s picture of the person in front of them – who they are, why they behave the way they do and so on. That context is pretty important when it comes to relationships – platonic and sexual.

After all, masking may make things easier in terms of surface level acceptance and fitting in, but it hinders actual connection and relationships. You may be concealing aspects of yourself that you worry will turn off others, but it doesn’t convey the ability to overcome those challenges. If you have ADHD, you still struggle with short-term memory and focus. If you have BPD, you still deal with emotional self-regulation and ideation. If you’re autistic, you have issues regarding overwhelm, reading social cues and so on. These can all cause issues within relationships, and without that context, it can create misunderstandings and conflicts where those conflicts don’t need to exist.

Speaking for myself, my particular flavor of neurodivergence (ADHD), meant I spent decades of teachers and authority figures thinking I just wasn’t “disciplined” enough or didn’t work hard enough or didn’t take things seriously. The way ADHD f--ked with my memory and ability to pay attention meant people thought I was careless or unconcerned or even so self-involved that I didn’t think of others. If I’d had my diagnosis as a child and the attendant label, it would’ve changed the context of how people saw me – instead of being someone who couldn’t be bothered to do the work, I would’ve been someone who was struggling and needed support. It would have opened up access to resources and help and alternate ways of accomplishing the same tasks. It would also have encouraged people to be a little more understanding and made it easier to find ways to overcome the inconveniences and frustrations that came with the way my brain worked.

The same goes with being open about being autistic. There’re things that, without the context of being autistic, that people will misunderstand. They may think you’re being “picky” or “overly sensitive” or “deliberately obtuse” and “stubborn”. They may wonder why you ignore them, why you seem so distracted or never seem to listen to what they’re saying. They won’t realize that maybe you’re overstimulated and trying to contain it, that you’re stimming or that you simply aren’t getting an implied message because it’s all subtext and implication that you simply don’t grasp. But if they knew, the two of you would have more paths towards mutual understanding, ways of figuring out how the two of you can relate to one another and how to avoid unnecessary conflicts.

And just on the functional side of things, owning that you’re autistic means that you’re better able to ask for what you need. You’re not neurotypical, so trying to date like you are is going to be like swimming upstream. It’s possible, if you’re really determined to do it, but it’s going to take at least twice as much effort to go half as far and you’re going to exhaust yourself in the process. Owning being autistic and being open about it means that you can advocate for what you actually need, in the moment.

If you feel like there’s a message you’re not picking up because it’s all indirect or subtext, you can say “Hey, I feel like I’m missing subtext here, please just be blunt with me.”  Or you can say “I don’t understand that” instead of spending time trying to puzzle through it via context clues. The same goes with dating and flirting – telling people specifically what works for you makes it a lot easier for them to connect with you and vice versa.

But making it work means that you have to treat this information like “here’s how you win with me”, not as “here, let me reveal my secret shame.” If you treat it like you’re revealing a generational curse the Goblin King imposed on your ancestor or some horrible flaw about you, then not only are you setting the tone for how other people are going to receive this information, but you’re setting the tone for how you expect to be seen. That sense of “allow me to apologize for this aspect of myself” goes both ways; it encourages a mindset where you are seeing it in the same negative light as others.

If, on the other hand, you’re treating it as simple data – “this is part of who I am, this is how best to interact with me” – then it’s just that: information. It gives them valuable data about how they can connect with you, share with you and ensure that you’re both able to really communicate clearly and correctly. That in and of itself is helpful and useful!

But it also affects how they see you, because you’re putting things into context and shaping their expectations. Being open about being autistic is telling them “this is part of what makes me the specific person I am.” And if you like who you are, if you embrace it as part of what makes you unique and special, then sharing that information the same way – “this is what makes me awesome” – encourages other people to see it the same way. ��It frames all of the little things that make you uniquely you in a good way. It’s a little like how people can have these seemingly minor things about them that we find to be especially endearing or special about them – the way her lips quirk when she’s trying not to laugh, the way he keeps singing incorrect lyrics to this popular song, their unusual favorite foods or the way their eyes light up when they get a chance to talk about their favorite topic. Sure, there’re things that are also occasionally annoying – this person hates particular textures in their food or on their skin, that person has a tendency to sing little snatches of nonsense songs when they concentrate – but those, too, become part of what we adore about them; the little irritations we realize we miss when they’re gone because it’s just part of who they are.

By concealing those aspects of yourself under the aegis of “nobody must know of my shame”, you’re hiding away the little things that people would think of fondly when you they think of you. That just seems like a shame to me, especially when you (the general “you”, not you specifically WDIT) treat them like things to be ashamed of when they aren’t.

Now, will being open about being autistic mean that some folks just won’t rock with you? Yeah, of course. Putting it in your dating profile means that some folks are going to see it and nope out before they even reach the next punctuation in that sentence. 

And that’s a good thing. That’s precisely the what you want people to do, because you don’t want to date those people. If someone would treat you poorly because you’re open about being autistic, then why the pluperfect hell would you want them in your lives in the first place? 

I mean, for the sake of argument, let’s say that you get so good at masking that you pass for neurotypical most of the time, and you end up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know that you’re autistic. You haven’t told them yet, but you intend to… and then you hear the comments they make about another autistic person and how they seem to hold all autistic people in contempt.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who sees this fundamental aspect of who you are – something that you are as responsible for and as much control over as the color of your eyes – as an unforgivable flaw? Someone who thinks of your whole, holistic self as something that needs to be corrected or cured, regardless of how you might feel on the matter? Someone who may think it makes you less of a person?

That sort of heartbreak is worse than if they rejected you from the jump. You would never have wanted to date them in the first place if you knew that about them. But now you’ve spent this time – whether it’s months or even weeks – investing in them, building a connection and planning for a future together… only to find out that she would toss all of that aside over something that’s a core part of you as an individual. Something about you that shapes every aspect of who you are, how you see the world around you and how you move through it… and she thinks it’s horrible and needs to be fixed.

That is far worse than if you filtered her out of your dating pool before you ever got to that point.

Yeah, I will freely admit that the process of getting to that point is hard. Knowing that you’re inviting rejection from folks who might actually be a good match otherwise is rough, especially when it’s out of ignorance rather than malice. And when you feel like you have a hard time meeting people already, it’s hard to say “ok, lemme restrict my results even further.”

But I can tell you from experience: you get far better outcomes when you focus on meeting the people who are right for you rather than trying to cast the widest net possible. Broad appeal is shallow appeal, and it means spending more time dealing with people who simply are wrong for you. As hard as it is to believe: it’s better be lonely because you’re alone than it is to be lonely because you’re with the wrong person. Being alone can be fixed. Being lonely because you’re with someone who you shouldn’t be with wrecks your soul.

So overall, yes, I think it’s best to be open and up front about being autistic. I think you should be willing to date like you are autistic instead of trying to force yourself into being neurotypical. Not only will it help, but I think it’ll be an important part of healing the wounds you’re carrying around. Loving yourself to embrace and live your truth is going to be a deliberate and calculated rejection of all the folks who bullied you and hurt you and told you that your existence was a flaw. So f--k ‘em all right in the ear.

You are who you are, and you should live like it, love like it and be loved for it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com