DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your articles. And I like to think I learn what I can from them. I’m just burnt out.

I am a 40 year old man. And aside from one not-so-good relationship in my life, it’s been nothing but failure.

I have been at it for over a year now, since said relationship ended. It has not gone well. It has been a cycle of “get hopes up -> feel good -> it blows up -> sink into depression and self-hatred”. This past week was a notably bad one, perhaps prompting me to write this.

To preface, I’m not here to blame women or any dumb s--t like that. I’m not that type by any means. All of the rejections were thankfully mostly respectful and I returned that gesture telling them “its all good. I understand. Hope you find what you’re looking for!” etc.

But they hurt bad all the same. Two weekends ago was a bad one. We talked for weeks. I was making her laugh, and we were having really great conversations. Then come the date time and I get a “something came up” message. I figured what was going on but I also thought “well hey s--t happens”, but the next morning she basically she said we were done and unmatched me. Another about a month ago was also frustrating, she seemed to spend the whole time playing with me, asking me questions about why I was choosing to work all the time instead of going protesting like her friends. I mean because I need a roof over my head. But I continued the conversation hoping something might turn up — she eventually got tired I guess and blocked.

I’ve had one relationship in my life. And, aside from maybe the first 5 months it was not a positive one. It went on for 6 years. Full disclosure I stayed because I knew I would never find someone again. But she was mentally abusive, berating me constantly and “challenging” me, ie. she would often ask me “what would you do if I cheated on you”, and towards the end of the relationship she likely did as she was telling me she was “just talking” to other men. She broke it off finally when I lost the job I had at the time. Intimacy was basically non-existent, even when things were good, she would refuse to even touch me and was only interested in her own pleasure.

So basically, I don’t even have much relationship experience which is also another strike against me.

I’m not particularly attractive. I am overweight, but more egregiously I have gynecomastia. I have been working on this and have lost 25lbs since last August, but it’s a slow burn. I take care of my hygiene, I groom myself and all, but there’s only so much you can do when you’re unattractive. Another strike.

I have social anxiety. I can have conversations just fine… as long as someone else starts them. There was a time a few weeks ago I saw a beautiful woman on my walk and thought “what would happen if I tried to talk to her”, and well lets just say my brain made a rock solid set of arguments as to why I shouldn’t. And I didn’t. I even felt wrong even looking at her anymore because of how beneath her I am.

How can I keep pushing through what feels absolutely futile? Like, I truly believe I’m more likely to win the lottery and be struck by a meteor on the way home than I am to have any kind of success in love. Are some people just not meant for it?

Thank you for reading and have a great day.

What’s The Point Of It All?

DEAR WHAT’S THE POINT OF IT ALL: Can I point out a slight flaw in your thinking, WTPOIA? You mention that your odds of winning the lottery are better than finding love… but you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket first. Nobody – scams and grifters aside – is going to tell you that you won a contest that you haven’t entered after all.

The point is that everything is futile if you don’t even bother showing up and trying. If you’re hoping for someone to be so motivated to do the heavy lifting for you, you’re going to be waiting a very, very long time – and even then, with the mindset you currently have, you’re never going to actually be able to bring yourself to believe that it’s real and genuine.

On the other hand, buying a lottery ticket is ultimately an expression of hope. Yes, the odds are beyond long, but you’re saying “well… what if?” and giving it a shot. The same goes with actually talking to someone, instead of giving yourself a bunch of reasons not to or listing all your supposed faults.

Now, with a lottery, you can’t really change the odds of success – not in any way that’s feasible, anyway. Your odds are going to be the same regardless of your choices, your actions or your mindset. You can, however, change the odds of success with dating… but that includes changing them for the better or for the worse. And right now, you seem very determined to make them worse for yourself.

All those “strikes” against yourself are as important as you decide they are. If you decide that they somehow disqualify you, they absolutely will. Not because they’re objective measures of why you’re undesirable, but because you act like they are and that affects your behavior. You think that people couldn’t possibly like you and so you don’t put in the same sort of effort you would if you thought they did; after all, why bother trying if you already know it’s pointless? But because you don’t put in the same level of effort, things fall apart and so you chalk it up to more reasons why you shouldn’t bother in the first place.

But to make matters worse, it means that you’re not making smart choices. You’re playing things so safe that you aren’t taking chances for fear of messing up and, as a result, losing out anyway. You could’ve angled for a date much sooner with that first example, instead of talking for weeks and weeks first. Would that have changed the outcome? Impossible to know… but at least it would mean that a rejection would’ve come sooner instead of your having spent all that time just to get let down instead.

At the same time, you’re so worried about failing and about never finding love that you’re not only unwilling to take chances, but you don’t recognize when it’s time to cut bait and go. Your toxic ex is a prime example: you absolutely should have bailed on her long, long before she dumped you. You stayed because you thought this was your only chance for love. And believe me I am utterly sympathetic: I have been there, I have done that and I built my career out of trying to help people not make the same mistakes I did. But you have to ask yourself: did staying make you happy? Was it worth it to be with someone who treated you so abominably, just to be able to say “well, at least I’m not single?”   

But that second example was another case of staying for longer and trying to draw to an inside straight. If you thought she was just playing games, then that was time to say “you know what, I’m not feeling it” and dip. Similarly, comments about “why are you working all the time instead of protesting” were signs that you two weren’t a good match. Either she was giving you s--t – which isn’t something that you vibe with – or she was showing you her values and priorities, which clearly didn’t line up. It was a sign that the two of you weren’t compatible, and it was far better to say “sorry, I don’t think we’re a good match; best of luck with your search” and move on. You hung on because you weren’t willing to let go of even the slightest chance of a date, even when all signs were pointing to “it won’t happen and if it does, you won’t be happy.” You couldn’t cut this one loose because you were afraid that if you did, you were going to be cutting out your next-to-last chance. So instead, you rode it to the end, with nothing to show for it except more wasted time and energy.

This is why you’re burned out. To use an awkward metaphor, you’re like a poker player who’s playing in the worst way possible. You sit out almost every hand because you don’t think you have a chance (and won’t learn how to calculate pot odds) and the few times you do play a hand, you stay in it far too long precisely because you play so few hands. So, all that happens is that you bleed yourself dry, a few drips at a time and then in drawn-out bursts, then back to drips.

Now as I said: I’m sympathetic, especially to the social anxiety. But this is well beyond social anxiety and well into fatalism and self-destructive behavior. You treat all of these “strikes” as both self-evident and unchangeable – even when they’re not. You refuse to try, but then when you do, you stay in a bad scene rather than bailing. And then you use that as proof that your problems are inherent and unchangeable instead of being the way you’re going about your business.

This isn’t to say that the answer is to hit on every woman you see, nor to dip out at the first sign of trouble. The problem is that you’re not actually doing the things you need to do to get better. If you want to get better with women – to learn how to read signals, to recognize red flags or spot a bad match, even who is going to be compatible with you – you have to actually take chances. You have to talk to women, not just assume that you know this stranger well enough to know you’re “beneath” her.

Well, congrats, you’re right about it. And you will be right about it until you decide that maybe you’re wrong.

But before you can do that, you need to actually deal with the social anxiety and self-esteem problems. And that is going to require actual work – as in going to therapy. Talking to a therapist is going to be all about changing your relationship with yourself. You aren’t “meant for love” because you decided you weren’t. The “strikes” you describe are only strikes when you believe them to be. They’re only as unchangeable as you think they are, and right now you seem pretty determined to believe they are.

This is why change has to come from within: if you actually want to change, you first have to accept that change is possible. If you can’t do that, the rest doesn’t matter. You’ll keep making the same mistakes, missing out on opportunities and sticking with people who are clearly wrong for you and who mistreat you.

If you want to change your odds of finding love, you have to start with loving yourself. If you can learn to love yourself – to both accept yourself as being deserving of being loved and also to believe that you can improve – then the rest starts coming much more easily. You suck at playing the game – to return to the awkward poker metaphor – because you don’t actually play it; certainly not enough to learn the rules and strategies, and absolutely not enough to recognize that the way you’re going about it only makes things worse. You can read theory and watch videos all you want, but the only way you can actually improve is to put your ass in the chair and play.

And that starts with working on yourself. Give yourself permission to push away from the table for a while, and then hie thyself to a therapist’s couch and start working on your social anxiety and self-esteem. Get yourself in decent working order and you’ll be in a much better position to actually get better at dating because you won’t be fighting against yourself the entire time.

Give yourself a chance to get out of your own way, and things will get much, much better. I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 25, on the autism spectrum to a small degree, and have OCD — which, according to my psychiatrist, is treatment-resistant. I’ve tried therapy, multiple medications, and even ECT.

I had a relationship when I was 21. I met the woman through a cold approach – she was 31, we dated for about 1,5 years. Since then, I’ve been trying to meet women the same way, but I’m still single.

I’m needy, I have constant “what if” thoughts:

What if she doesn’t reply to my text?

What if we go on a date and she ghosts me after?

Because of these thoughts, I tend to text too much, looking for reassurance — wanting to know if the date is really happening or if she’s still interested. I realize this behavior can push people away though.

But at the same time, I’ve heard some people say that there are women who like needy guys. So, it confuses me.

Here’s the thing: I’m doing what I thought were the right things.

I go on dates.

I talk about fun stuff, I ask about their lives.

I smile and act warm.

I don’t try to kiss on the first date.

Sometimes, there’s a kiss on the second date.

Then… nothing. They ghost me, stop texting, or reply days later.

I don’t have bad breath, I’m not a bad kisser and I try not to come across as a creep. Dating apps don’t work for most men – I think I’m one of them.

I’m considering picking up hobbies, not just for myself but also to maybe meet women in a natural way. Any suggestions for hobbies that are both enjoyable and social? Also, how to meet women via hobbies? How to show interest there without screwing up everything?

My biggest fear is: What if I never find a girlfriend again?

That thought destroys me. I can’t cope with it. If you have any honest advice – I’d appreciate it.

Bad Brain, No Biscuit

DEAR BAD BRAIN, NO BISCUIT: Ok, BBNB, let’s get real for a second: this is a case of “there’s the question you’re asking, and then there’s the question you’re actually asking.” It’s a part and parcel of “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have.” Your biggest problem here isn’t about how to meet women organically or what hobbies you should pick up. Nor is it about figuring out what you’re doing wrong on dates. I’ve written a lot about both, and you should check them out. But those aren’t going to answer the real question that you’re asking. And to be blunt, they’re not going to help until you actually address the real problem. Otherwise you’re just going to be writing back in with the same questions and same problems, just using different words.

Your problem is your brain is screwing with you and you’re trying to deal with it. What you’re ultimately asking is “how do I stop feeling afraid?” You’re doing what a lot of guys have done: you’re trying to find external ways to alleviate the worry and anxiety you feel. I should know; much of the reason why I got into the pick-up scene way back when was because I was looking for ways to never have to worry about getting hurt or – more accurately – how to avoid the fear of being hurt.

It’s the fear that gets you, far more than the reality. The anticipation of what it is going to be like, imagining the circumstances, your reaction… all of that is running through your head like the world’s worst earworm. But the thing is: the reality is never as bad. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t suck, don’t get me wrong; it’s just that it’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be.

Hell, once it happens, there’s almost a sense of relief, simply because it means now you don’t have to keep bracing for it. All that’s left to do is deal with it. This is one of the reasons why, according to popular myth, the samurai were supposed to consider themselves dead already; accepting the worst meant that they no longer had to fear it.

But more to the point, if you can let go of the fear for a moment and stop letting the anxiety of “what if” screw with your head, it becomes pretty clear that the actual answers to your worries aren’t all that bad. What if she doesn’t text you back? Nothing materially changes. If you go on a date and she ghosts you? Nothing materially changes. Your status quo hasn’t meaningfully changed, except that you now know this individual person wasn’t that interested in dating you again.

I mean, if we get right down to it, the answer to “what if I never have another girlfriend, ever” is “your life will go on and it will continue to be like it is now”. You’ll still have hobbies, your interests, your family and your friends. You’ll have things to do, things to live for and work towards. The biggest change would be knowing that the thing you were anticipating has happened and there’s nothing left to worry about.

Now if this seems cold or uncaring, it’s not meant to be. It’s just to point out that the things you’re afraid of honestly aren’t that scary. It’s the expectation and anticipation that is getting to you, the lack of certainty that means anything is possible, including increasingly baroque Final Destination-esque worst-case scenarios. Knowing means you can let go of the worry and just deal.

This is one of the reasons why the central tenets of philosophies like stoicism is the idea that a lot of our struggles are actually about our reactions to things that are ultimately outside of our control. We can’t, for example, control how people feel about us; as the saying goes, it’s possible to make no mistakes and still lose. But we can, however, change how we respond to those things. And part of making that change is to reckon with those outcomes honestly.

If someone you are interested in doesn’t text you back, it sucks. You’ll be sad for a little while. But you will recover – especially if you don’t treat it like the End of The World – and very little will have actually changed for you. The same with having been ghosted; you’ve been ghosted before, and you know that while it hurts a little, that pain fades quickly and very little has changed. It only becomes unbearable when you make it out to be more than it actually is… such as a referendum on how you’re supposedly unloveable.

That’s why you get so needy and pushy and ask for so much reassurance; you’re asking for someone to reaffirm that you’re capable of being loved. You’re asking them to make the uncomfortable feeling go away – to help regulate your feelings for you – and this pushes people away. People have enough on their plate dealing with their own lives; they don’t have time or the bandwidth to handle the problems of a relative stranger. And to be frank, you’re still a stranger to them, and these requests for reassurance are telling them that this behavior is going to continue if they get into a relationship with you.

You, on the other hand, are investing far too much importance and significance on someone that you don’t know and giving them far more control over your mood and feelings. It’s far, far too soon for them to be such a monumental figure in your life, and the only reason that they are is that you see them as your next-to-last chance. That’s part of the fear – that each unanswered text or date that doesn’t happen is a step closer to dying alone and unloved. It’s not… but that’s what Anxiety Brain is telling you.

This is why you have to learn to start recognizing your anxiety for what it is and start engaging with your fears instead of trying to avoid them. Part of this is to actually ask yourself “OK, let’s say she’s not going to text me back. What will I do instead?”. Not “what did I do wrong”, not “what does this mean”, but “what am I going to do?” You’re taking the uncertainty away and choosing to address the actual situation… a situation which, as I said, doesn’t actually change things for you.

If you can start controlling your anxiety and managing your fears, you’re going to need less reassurance and thus not be so quick to put such pressure on your dates. You won’t feel the need to text excessively and overwhelm them, which increases the odds that you’re going to have more successful dates.

Now a lot of this is easy to talk about but harder to accomplish. You mention that your OCD is treatment-resistant and that you’ve tried therapy. I wish you’d mentioned which therapies you’ve tried, because if you haven’t, I’d recommend Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT is known to be particularly effective for managing anxiety and OCD, in part because it teaches you how to recognize your triggers, how to relate to your thoughts and how to keep them from spiraling out of control. It’s very similar to Stoicism in that it asks you to really think about your thoughts and how to change how you react to problems – including asking yourself “what if it’s not so bad?”

Work on getting those feelings under control. You don’t need to be perfectly calm at all times or utterly fearless; you just have to know how to soothe yourself, reassure yourself and not let those problems turn into unending spirals. Do that, and your social life will improve massively.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, occasional commenter, first time writer. More looking for your opinion or insights than concrete advice.

What counts as an emotional affair?

Or, put another way: can boundaries limiting your partner’s emotional / romantic intimacy with others ever be healthy, if both people agree to it? I tend to think setting boundaries on a partner’s non-sexual relationships (or, limiting their emotional intimacy or platonic physical affection in friendships) causes more problems than it solves.

Personally speaking, I’m wary of the concept of emotional affairs out of, among other things, personal experience. Basically? I’m glad I ignored a friend’s suggestion my spouse “might be having an emotional affair” when they were being strange and seeming to hide something from me 2 years ago.

It turned out his workplace was highly toxic (IMO abusive), and making him feel ashamed while not feeling like he could quit. He didn’t want to talk to me because he thought I would also be mad at him (or disappointed in him) for not “succeeding” at his [again: abusive!] job. Thanks capitalism! /s

Fortunately, after talking about it, we worked together so he could quit, recover, and get a better job somewhere else. His new workplace is much, much healthier!

Ultimately, yes, he was unusually close to his coworker—because they were both trying to survive a truly toxic environment and not coping well. Yes, he was secretive about their conversations and how work was that day—because they were commiserating about the toxic environment, and he was ashamed about not succeeding there.

Given how it turned out, I’m really glad I didn’t jump to, “are you having an emotional affair? Stop being friends with your coworker!”

Yet, I know I’m Wrong About Stuff. What am I missing? I definitely feel like my perspective is missing something.

There are plenty of people I care about, who believe the opposite of me on this subject. They believe 100% in guarding against emotional affairs. I generally respect these people’s judgements! I don’t think they are necessarily off kilter or overzealous in other ways.

Likewise, I know many people are deeply harmed, even psychologically harmed by their partner emotionally cheating on them. I don’t really think they’re lying or exaggerating about that.

So…what’s the missing piece?

Are there types of relationships or choices that count as “real” emotional affairs? Which boundaries are wise, and which ones are controlling?

Looking forward to hearing your perspective.

Sincerely,

Platonic Love Polyamorist

DEAR PLATONIC LOVE POLYAMORIST: I’m going to be real with you, PLP: I think that there’s way too many people who keep trying to broaden the definition of “cheating” while also making the definition of “monogamy” so restrictive and so limited that they end up creating a no-win scenario. The more you define perfectly goddamn normal behavior as “cheating”, the more you’re going to find cheaters and oh look, more relationships that wither and die that didn’t need to. Especially if “cheating” of any sort keeps getting held up as the worst thing you can do in a relationship.

Now, I will say that I think it’s possible for someone to be giving so much of their time and energy and attention to a person – a person outside of their romantic and sexual relationship – that it becomes a problem. I think people can have relationships where the emotional intimacy that they would normally be sharing with their partner is being shared with other people, and this can create problems in the relationship.

But I think that most of the time, what people are defining as “emotional affairs” are just friendships. Close friendships, or friendships where the romantic partner may feel excluded, but friendships none the less. I think a lot of the agita around the concept of “emotional affairs” springs from the same place as the idea that men and women “can’t” be friends because of sex and that emotional intimacy is equivalent to romantic intimacy.

Similarly, I think it ties into the idea that romantic relationships are inherently superior or sit at the top of a hierarchy, and that friendships couldn’t or “shouldn’t” be given the same level of import, deference or status in a person’s life if they have a romantic partner. Or that people don’t have a right to privacy or emotional autonomy when they’re in a relationship. And I think this ties directly into a hell of a lot of stressed-out relationships, where one’s romantic partner is supposed to be all things to the other, with the attendant strain that puts on an individual.

And then people talk about the male loneliness epidemic and wonder why guys have fewer friends that they can share their feelings and troubles with or turn to for support.

I think it’s good for people to have friends and a life outside of the relationship, even aspects to it that their partner doesn’t know about or isn’t intimately familiar with. Not only does this distribute the weight of a person’s needs for connection, affection and support, but it also helps strengthen the romantic relationship. One of the killers of a romantic connection is familiarity and boredom. Part of what makes the early days of a new love so heady is the novelty of it all; you’re both learning about one another and finding new and different things. But not only are humans endlessly hedonically adaptive, but when you’re with someone for long enough… there’re precious few surprises left. There’s very little novelty when you’re with someone you’ve seen wracked with food poisoning or covered in sweat and dirt and stinking to high heaven after a long day working in the yard or garden. Having those outside connections and outside experiences gives more room for growth, novelty and discovery – for both partners.

And to be perfectly frank, sometimes there’re reasons why a person might want to share one aspect of their life with someone besides their romantic partner. It may be a fear of shame, a desire not to burden their partner with knowledge they could do nothing with, or even simply that their partner isn’t going to have the ability to understand – not the same way that someone else might. Your spouse trying to deal with a toxic work environment is a prime example; their friend and co-worker was in the same boat and having the same problem. It’s entirely understandable and reasonable that the two of them were going to lean on one another for support. They knew exactly what was going on and what it was like. It made perfect sense that they’d turn to someone else who’s also going through the s--t, like a pair of veterans in the same foxhole. You may have been willing to offer what support you could, but that’s not going to be the same as someone who’s dead bang in the middle of it too.

I do think “emotional affairs” can happen; I just think that it’s far more about other people making a lot of noise around mistaken ideas about male and female relationships and unreasonable expectations regarding the concept of romance and monogamy. I think that friendships, even emotionally tight and intimate ones, are good and important; it’s when they’re actively taking away from another relationship that they cross the line into “emotional affairs”. But what most people describe as “signs” aren’t indications that they’re actually losing out or having something taken from them, just the fear that something might be. And frankly, I think a lot of the discourse around the concept of emotional affairs comes from the perverse incentives to focus on fear and uncertainty, not from actual risks.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com