DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know my experiences aren’t ones you have, but I think it’d be good to get advice from somebody outside of them.

The background: I’m a bisexual trans guy in my early 30s. I’m not done with transition (I want to have bottom surgery, but with the way my country’s medical system works it’s looking like ~5 years in the future), but it’s been a good while and I’m relatively settled where I am (I came out at 18, next month is my 11 years on hormones, and September will be 8 years post top surgery, to give perspective).

Since my mid-twenties I’ve pretty much exclusively hooked up with and dated other trans people. I enjoy it and I think I’ll continue to primarily do that, but following a series of back-to-back crushes on my DMs, I’ve realised that ‘nerdy bisexual cis guys with beards’ is a type I have, and I want to try exploring that a bit more.

The things I’d like advice on specifically are: how do I work on feelings around desirability, and how do I practice saying ‘no’?

Some context: I am exclusively interested in topping, and I find vaginal sex with me bottoming dysphoria inducing to the point it makes me physically nauseous (and even depictions of similar kinds of sex can make me feel repulsed). The way this flows into the latter point is that the sexual experiences I have had with cis men in the past have also pretty much always involved an assumption I will bottom and/or some level of coercion around this, no matter how clear I had been around only wanting to top. I have some level of worry that if the same kind of dynamic happens again, I will ‘fawn’ in response. If you have any recommendations on exercises to practice saying ’no’, I would love to hear them.

The way it flows into the former is that, I won’t lie, I have absolutely been able to punch above my weight in the trans4trans hookup scene by virtue of how few tops there are. I do genuinely really like myself — I have a really fun sense of personal style, lots of hobbies (including ones that involve making clothing/accessories, which is great as an ice breaker), am very sociable generally, have a career that’s interesting + does social good + is important to me, am very financially stable, have a good circle of friends, and am exercising more regularly than I have at any other point in my life (while also genuinely being alright with the fact I’m still fat – I spent a lot of my teens hospitalised for an eating disorder, so that’s a big achievement).

However, I’m realistic and I know that not only does the fact I’m trans take me out of the dating pool for the vast majority of cis people, even when it doesn’t it often comes with that earlier mentioned assumption. Bluntly, I have never seen a cis man ever express a desire to be topped by a trans guy (and believe me I’ve *looked*). As a result, I really struggle to think of (in the trans4cis context) being a top being something that an audience could actually want rather than something I should apologise for. I’m not sure how to navigate going from being relatively in demand to being an extremely niche taste.

Obviously, this is not something you have direct experience with, but I reckon “how do I stop feeling like this aspect of me is unwanted/needs apologising for” feels like it’s gotta be something men from a bunch of different backgrounds can relate to.

Any/all advice welcome – thanks in advance!

Mr. Good Bar

DEAR MR. GOOD BAR: Like you said, MGB, I’m a straight cis dude, so my experiences are not going to be the same and just as importantly, my risk factors aren’t going to be the same. So while I have my thoughts, I also want to invite my transmasc readers to share their thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Now, I think one of the things to consider when it comes to your worries is that while I know that practicing saying “no” and enforcing your boundaries is going to be important, especially in the moment when clothes may be coming off and you’re in that liminal, vulnerable state full of possibility and terror… I think you also need to feel like you have the unequivocal right to say “no”. That you deserve to say “no”, if you’re not feeling it, rather than just going along because someone thinks their idea of you trumps your knowledge of yourself.

So I think this is one of those times where “Lord give me the confidence of a mediocre straight guy” is, in fact, a valid practice.  

I’m sure you’re well familiar with the phrase “Big Dick Energy”, MGB. The term is one that gets tossed around a lot by folks who’ll argue to the death about what it means, what it looks like, whether you can have it without the attendant junk of unusual size, or whether it’s even a desirable trait in the first place… but it’s something that I think will be useful for you. The two things you mention being worried about – how to feel more desirable as you venture outside your usual dating pool and how to avoid dysphoria and the pressure to bottom with cis guys – are the sorts of things that cultivating a little BDE can help take care of.

And as a bonus, cultivating this will tap into something you already have… just not quite in the way you might think.

Now this is going to sound like a digression for a second, so forgive me but I’d like to talk about Sam Rockwell as Owen in the 2013 movie “The Way Way Back”.

Owen is an almost prototypical failure-to-launch dirtbag, who runs a semi-run-down waterpark in New England. But despite being a 30-something with a dead-end job, utter lack of work ethic or ability to take anything seriously, he’s a shockingly charismatic, even compelling character. A big part of his charisma is just how comfortable he is in his skin and how few f--ks he has to give. A lot of what makes him so watchable is that he seems almost preternaturally self-assured, no matter what else is going on around him. He maintains an air of “yup, it’s under control, I’ve got this,” at pretty much all times, even when “I’ve got this” is really just him ignoring his responsibilities. There’s not really a question as to whether he’s ever doubted himself; he clearly hasn’t. He’s incredibly comfortable and realistic about himself – for good and for ill – and that sense of self-knowledge is part of what makes him magnetic. It’s part of what makes him seem almost unshakable, which in and of itself is pretty magnetic.

But part of what’s important – and relevant for your situation is that same sense of control and assurance even applies when things are getting tense or threatening. While he’s not an aggressive guy, he’s perfectly willing to step up and step between someone getting aggro and the dude he’s bullying. Owen doesn’t square up, get belligerent or show that he’s ready to throw a punch; he just gets between them, creates a barrier and makes it clear that to get to the kid, you gotta go through him.

It’s these qualities that – despite the fact that he’s unquestionably kind of a f--k-up and a bit of a man-child – that make him fascinating to watch but also a figure who’s unquestionably masculine without being show-off-y, full of bulls--t or bluster. It’s confidence and assurance and just a hint of cockiness, mixed with irreverent sense of humor that makes it all go down easier.

This – to my mind – is a great example of Big Dick Energy that you’d want to cultivate for yourself. You don’t need to be a macho bro, you don’t need to be the sexiest thing on the block or the most butch of the butch. Instead, what you want is that bone deep sense of “I know exactly who and what I am and I don’t give a f--k if you disagree”, mixed with the feeling of “Yeah, I can handle this. I may not WANT to, but I can.”

Now remember what I said before about you’ve already experienced some of this? Well, it’s precisely as you said: you’re a hot commodity in the T4T dating scene. You know damn good and well that people like what you got and they want more of it. That, I’m sure, gives you a certain amount of swagger and pep in your step. You’re confident, you’re assertive and you know both what you’re worth and how to go out and get it.

Taking that feeling to cis dating is going to be a big part of how you both embrace your desirability and feeling like you aren’t going to buckle because someone thinks you “should” be bottoming and/or pushes for it. It’s a reminder that there’s no reason why you should accept or give in to what other people expect, simply because you already know you don’t have to and shouldn’t have to.

It sounds to me like a part of the issue is that you have a feeling that while people in the T4T scene accept you, you’re going to have to fight for acceptance and recognition with cis men. And, society being what it is and the way it treats trans and queer people the way it does, there’s a lot of acculturation that can suggest that cis acceptance is more ‘valid’ than in the trans scene. Intellectually, you may know it’s all bulls--t and a social construct at best, but a lifetime of messaging about cis cultural supremacy is a motherf--ker to shake.

But part of the BDE I mentioned is that you don’t need their recognition or confirmation. You know who you are; if they don’t agree, that’s their problem and they’ve self-selected to no longer be your problem. If they don’t accept you, f--k ‘em. Or don’t f--k ‘em, rather; they’re people you shouldn’t be letting into your head or your bed.

Now, again, �I’ll be the first to admit that it’s easy for me to say this, simply because I’m a cis guy who doesn’t have the same risk factors you do. I don’t have transphobic assbutts trying to deny my civil rights and right to exist, nor threatening my physical safety because I exist. But at the same time, you know precisely who you are. You have the right to your identity, to define yourself, and they don’t get to challenge that, regardless of what is or isn’t in anyone’s pants. Or on their shelf or set of drawers.

That sense of “I know precisely who and what I am and I don’t need your approval nor your permission to be me” is going to go a long way towards warding off people who aren’t going to rock with you or the fact that you’re a top. It also will help immensely if you run into someone who thinks that they know better than you. Not only do you not have to accept their “reality”, but you reject it and replace it with your own. You don’t require their sign off to be who you are just because you’ might want to bang, nor do you need it to get down how you get down. If they aren’t cool with it, they can hop the Nope train to F--k This S--tville and find someone who’s more in line with what they want.

I do understand the worry that you’re going from a pool where you know you’re a hot commodity to one where you might be more of a niche taste. I get how that can put a bit of a whammy on you. It may make you feel like you have to bend a little because, what if you don’t have as many options as in the T4T? What if your options among the beardy cis bi guys are slim at best? Wouldn’t that mean that the pressure to bend or to give – or to trigger your fawn response, for that matter – could be too much to hold out against?

Well, here’s the thing: that implies that being a niche taste is a bad thing. Your dating pool among the cis may not be as deep as in the T4T, but that’s ok; numbers aren’t nearly as important as the strength of the appreciation. This is part of why I talk about being someone’s shot of whiskey instead of their cup of tea. Your appeal may (and I stress may) not be as broad, but the people who you want are people who crave you, not people who think you’re ok or pretty good. And let’s be real, when it comes to boning, you want people who are looking for someone like you, people who want to be bent over by you like a champ, not folks whose interest in you come with caveats and provisos.

So, my suggestion is that you put yourself out there without apology or equivocation or shame – that BDE we’ve been talking about – and make it clear that you’re looking for bottoms, not switches or verse dudes. That’s not your thing and there’s no need to apologize for it. You’re looking for your type, and you want the guys who want guys like you. That’s not something you should feel weird or ashamed about; you know what you’re about and you know what you’re worth, so go and get what you’re worth. You deserve folks who want you because you’re you, not because of who they think you’re “supposed” to be. If they don’t like you or don’t want to rock with you, that’s fine. That just means they’re not right for you.

Yeah, it may mean fewer messages and matches on the apps. That’s fine; as I said, you want the right people, not any and all comers. They are out there. And while it may sting, keep in mind that you’re also the one who gets to say “nah” and also “well… bye.” And that includes when you’re looking at the apps and deciding who – if anyone – you’re going to swipe on.

And if you’re running into dudes who wait until the zero hour to reveal that think they think they know you better than you do? That’s nice… they can think it while collecting their pants and walking to the door.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am going to keep this short. Many years ago, I asked my wife about opening our marriage. After many conversations she chose to say no. Over the years, we have had different conversations about the topic. The one we have had the most conversation about has been my desire to see her with other men. I made it clear to her that I do not want to sleep with other women and that I would love to see her with other guys. 

A couple years back I asked my brother would he sleep with my wife and he said he would. The reason I chose to ask my brother is because there was a time we were looking for a sperm donor and he said he would help. I asked my wife would she consider “natural” insemination with my brother instead of the doctor doing it. We had a long conversation about it and she was considering it but again she said no. Every now and again the conversation comes up. She said she just wished I did not ask my brother which I understood. She said she wished I asked for us to look for a guy together. I would like to know should I remain hopeful to see my wife with another guy/ or with my brother or hang it up?

Mr. Hopeful

DEAR MR. HOPEFUL: First, a quick lesson in forms of kink: what you’re describing is known in the kink community as “hot wifing” or “stag and vixen”. This is different from swinging, because there’s no swapping or exchanging partners, and from cuckoldry because there isn’t the element of shame or humiliation involved. The stag/husband is sharing his wife with others and watching because he enjoys seeing her with other people, rather than being humiliated by “having” to witness it. There’s also not any of the dominance displays that can come up with cuckoldry, where the bull (the person from outside the relationship) rubs the husbands nose (sometimes metaphorically, sometimes literally) in having just watched someone else f--k his wife. I bring this up because it’s helpful to actually have the vocabulary to discuss what you actually are looking for, especially if you end up searching within the kink scene.

Now with that out of the way… Hoooo boy.

Look. I’m a big believer in the whole GGG thing – that being a good partner means being good in bed, being a generous and giving lover, and game for trying things that may not do it for you but because your partner’s into it… within reason. It’s the “within reason” part that people keep forgetting about. There’re kinks and activities that are not everyone’s cup of tea but easy enough to indulge �– foot worship, role play, some forms of light bondage, etc. There’re kinks that some folks just aren’t going to be able to get past the ick factor on, like watersports. And then there’re kinks that are emphatically going to be a heavy lift, like, oh, f--king another person in your otherwise monogamous or monogamish relationship.

Guess where hot wifing falls in that particular equation.

My guy, you really need to stop when you’re behind. Honestly this really should’ve stopped with “I asked, she said no” and that would be the end of things but HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T did you take this up several notches in the wrong goddamn direction.

Where do I begin with this? I guess the most obvious problem – besides not listening when your wife said she wasn’t down – was asking your brother to f--k your wife without clearing it with your wife first. I mean, this alone is a fractal of WHAT THE ACTUAL CHICKEN FRIED F--K. Wanting to watch someone else have sex with your wife is one thing. I don’t vibe with it, but whatever, your kink is not my kink, etc. Watching your brother f--k your wife for your sexual gratification is crossing so many lines of UGH that I don’t have the actual words to express it without the risk of summoning Yog-Sothtoth. The fact that you asked him before you talked about it with her doesn’t have the “incest? More like wincest” vibe but that’s one hell of a trust violation if you ask me, seeing as she’s the one getting f--ked, here.

The fact that you were presenting it as a “natural” alternative to artificial insemination or IVF just sounds like the set up to a porn video, and I’m kind of astounded that this didn’t end with your wife pulling your scrotum over your head.  

Also did… did your brother know you intended to watch him f--k your wife? Because if he did and he was still down… I dunno, that’s its own what-the-f--kery that I’m just not getting paid enough to deal with.

But while the incest-tinged sex games are giving the ick, I think the fact that you are not listening to your wife is the bigger issue here. She’s said – multiple times – that she’s not interested in this. She also said “I wish hadn’t talked to your brother” and that she would rather that the two of you looked for someone together. The context is a little unclear in your letter but based on everything else, I’m fairly sure that she meant looking for a potential sperm donor, not a special guest dick. But even if she DID mean introducing a bull or guest star, the point is that you were looking for one without her input. And that seems to be the underlying issue: you’re doing all of this unilaterally, not taking your wife’s opinion or her informed consent into consideration and not taking no for an answer.

Is it possible that an initial “no” might become a “yes” in time? Absolutely… but only when you’re giving her the opportunity to think things through, to talk it out with you and work through whether or not she’d want to do this – whether for you or because maybe she’s curious about it as well. If you keep pestering her about it, all you’re doing is telling her that her “no” isn’t valid and you have no problems trying to push the matter until you get the answer you want. That, big shoots, is not how you build the sort of trust and communication you need for this sort of kink.  

You need to let this one go, dude. You’ve made your pitch and you’ve done it badly. You have made all sorts of incredibly f--ked up mistakes in trying to make this happen, and at this point, I’m a little surprised your wife is still entertaining the question at all, rather than shutting it down before the third syllable leaves your mouth. ��If your wife ever changes her mind – I highly doubt it at this point, but if – then she is going to have to be the one to bring it up, unprompted by you. Until that day – a day that may never come – you need to just drop the subject like third period French and relegate this to fantasies that play in your head when it’s just you and Rosie Palms.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve (24M) done something wrong. I broke my gf’s (23F) trust and disrespected her. We have been together for about 2 years and we moved in together to a house in September, we have 3 cats together and lots of amazing memories and a connection we felt like we have never had with anyone else. We know and understand each other like we’ve never experienced.

I have been dealing by myself with an addiction to porn and also commitment issues, the issue with commitment went away when I started this relationship because I felt like this girl was the best thing to ever happen to me. But, when I was alone, I would sext with another girl I have never met before over Snapchat. 

This girl and I had sexted before my current relationship, so it felt easy when I felt horny I could just message her and get my rocks off. I also had the classic problem of just following on Instagram a massive number of women that I have never met or known just because they were simply attractive.

For context, we had a bump in the relationship before either trust when I bought a firearm and stored it at home without consulting her and that was an issue of trust between us. She wanted to look past it and move forward because of how much we love each other.

She woke up one morning and as she told me felt like her entire body was telling her to go through my phone, and low and behold she sees my chat with this other girl. She now says she cannot be with someone who would do this to her and I believe her past boyfriend – which tragically passed away after their breakup and is a very tender spot for her – also did something similar to her which I did not know until now and she believes she deserves better and cannot allow herself to try to mend things together because it would be disrespectful to her.

When this came up it was finally time for me to get it together and tell her about the addiction I have been dealing with and it made me face deep down why I did what I did and I laid it all out to her, all of my flaws and this massive skeleton I have been holding in my closet which I never had the guts to go to her with or ask for help because I was so ashamed of myself and always felt disgusting about.

I want to do everything I could do to make amends and be a better person moving forward but as of now – which it has been only day it is very fresh – I have already mass unfollowed people that weren’t healthy for me or us from my social media, I have cut contact with the other girl never to speak again, I have deleted all trace of porn from my phone now disgusted with myself. She doesn’t know I’ve done all this but I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want it to seem like I’m just doing this for damage control, these are things I need to do if I’m going to have a healthier mental state.

I am willing to give this girl the world, she says she loves me still, and loves me so much but she said as of now, she does not want to try to repair things or work forward.

Blew It All Up

DEAR BLEW IT ALL UP: OK, so there’s a lot to untangle here BIAU, and I think you’re missing the most important part: your girlfriend’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to fix things with you. That’s pretty much the end of the story. No amount of breast-beating or mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa is going to change this, nor are heartfelt pleas that you want to give her the world. She’s out, you have to accept it, period, the end.

And I’m not exactly surprised because if we strip out the sordid details – more on that in a moment – it really just comes down to the fact that you violated her trust multiple times. And while I’ve got some side-eye for your girlfriend as well, this really comes down to “oh look, it’s the consequences of my own actions”.

Over the course of your letter, you indicate that you don’t really think about how your choices and actions affect others. Bringing a gun into the house – a place you share with your partner – without consulting or even telling her is a big goddamn deal. I will freely admit that I’m someone who believes we need stricter and more stringent gun laws in this country, so I’m not unbiased here, but this is information she had a right to know about and to be consulted on before you did it. Bringing a lethal weapon into your shared space is absolutely something that everyone gets to have a say over. The fact that you didn’t suggests a level of irresponsibility and a lack of consideration for how she might feel. Maybe she would’ve been cool with it, but you’ll never know, because you made this unilateral decision that potentially affects you, your partner, even your cats.

So, right off the bat, you’ve already set precedent for not considering how your actions will affect other people.

Then you cheated on her with your sexting buddy. While I’ve got my opinions on how much things like sexting or cam shows “count” as infidelity, the fact that this is a pre-existing and apparently ongoing relationship with another person absolutely kicks it up a level beyond sexy chats with random OnlyFans models or sex workers doing cam shows. The latter ain’t necessarily great. The former is absolutely going to feel like a betrayal to her, especially since you made a monogamous commitment. That manages to be strike two and three; it’s not really a surprise that she’s decided that she’s out. Even if she didn’t have trust issues – issues it seems that you knew about – this is a pretty good reason to think that you’re insincere in your protests about how you want to make this all better.

I’m not exactly thrilled with your partner either; I find it hard to believe she just had a random premonition to go through your phone. But as I’ve said: snooping is the sort of thing that only gets justified in retrospect, and in your case… well, it was absolutely justified.

Now, I’m going to be generous; I don’t see in your letter anything about having actually apologized, but it’s possible that you did and didn’t think to mention it. However, listing out the things you did wrong is not the same as an apology, it’s just a cataloging of s--tty behavior. Without actually expressing both regret and apologizing for doing so, all you’re doing is telling her things that she already knew. Laying out all the supposed skeletons in your closet is likewise not actually an apology; it’s just drama. That’s just a “grand gesture” that supposedly demonstrates your remorse – look, I am so sorry that I’m going to reveal everything bad about me! – which is pretty damn disingenuous, seeing as the ultimate message is “I’m so sorry and so sad that you have to forgive me!”

Well, no. No she doesn’t. Because grand gestures aren’t apologizing, it’s just manipulation in an attempt to blunt the force of her very understandable anger and sense of betrayal. While it’s good that you seem – and I stress seem – to be indicating that you understand what you did wrong, that’s not the same as making amends or apologizing for what you did.

And it especially doesn’t help when you’re giving bulls--t excuses about why you did it – excuses that conveniently would diminish your capacity for culpability.  

Porn addiction is not a thing. It’s not in the DSM V, nor in any previous editions, nor is it recognized by groups like the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. While it’s certainly possible to have a problematic relationship with porn, it’s almost always a symptom of other issues, rather than an addiction. And in your case… that seems to be “I was horny”. You didn’t sext this person on Snapchat because you’re addicted, you were horny and wanted to get off. You didn’t follow hot women on Instagram because of an addiction, they were hot and made you horny and it got you off. These weren’t acts that you had no control over. These were things that were actively interfering in your life – you weren’t sneaking off from work to crank it to porn in the office bathroom or going through withdrawal if you went for too long without liking some random thirst traps, you were just being a horny f--ker and using the language of addiction to ease your sense of culpability. So needless to say: I’m not exactly sympathetic to your protestations here.

I also can’t help but notice that in your list of actions you’ve taken, you haven’t actually done any of the hard work that you would supposedly need. Congratulations, you mass-unfollowed people, I’m sure that was an absolutely grueling thirty seconds. That’s not restoring trust, nor is it trying to do better. It’s a show, a performance, not meaningful change. If we accept the addiction excuse – we don’t, but for the sake of argument – this is an alcoholic pouring all his vodka down the sink. It may remove everything within easy reach, but that’s not the same as actually addressing the addiction. The alcoholic can still go to bars and liquor stores. You still have internet access, Snapchat and Instagram; you could very easily just follow other Insta models and sext with other sex workers.

What would be addressing the issue? Talking to a therapist. Not, I must stress, going to some bulls--t sex-addiction group, but an actual therapist to talk about why you don’t seem to be willing to consider how your actions affect other people, why you’re willing to betray someone’s trust in many different ways. It’s going to require actual self-examination, not just surface level “oh, I’m ‘addicted’ to porn” and digging into real issues instead of ones that portray you in some valiant struggle against your baser urges. Because it isn’t “porn addiction” that made you keep sexting, any more than it made you decide to get a gun without telling your partner… but “I don’t think about other people” isn’t as aggrandizing a struggle as “I want to be good but I am always at war with these horrible, horrible desires…”

If you want to make it clear that you want to be better, then the first step is going to be accepting not just responsibility but the consequences of your actions. Your girlfriend is leaving you because of it. Trying to convince her to stay is more about trying to undo the outcome, not the accepting that this is the price you’re paying for your mistake.

You f--ked up, and you want forgiveness, but part of finding redemption is understanding that the people you hurt may never forgive you and you have to accept that. If you’re so disgusted with yourself and want to change, then you need to do it for yourself. Do it because you need to change, not because you want your girlfriend back. True change has to come from within, not just because you finally got caught. Until you understand and accept that, nothing is going to change, and you’ll be back here in another couple years with another break up and tearful story about what went wrong.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com