DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I fell in love with a Very Unsuitable Person – as in potentially career ending levels of unsuitable – and for a while he loved me back. It was a non-sexual but highly-romantic relationship.

There were several opportunities for me to have said no, or halted the relationship, but I didn’t want to, so I continued seeing him until he broke up with me rather abruptly.

It’s been three months since the breakup, and I still miss him so much it is a constant ache, a whine in the back of my head. I know I got very, very lucky. It was a clean break, no drama on either side, end of career averted, Very Unsuitable Person voluntarily f--ked off out of my life. The universe gave me a mulligan.

I don’t think there’s any possibility of him popping back up again, either. But God do I miss him. I miss the laughter and smiles and in-jokes and sweetness. I miss the sound of my name from his mouth. I miss the way his breathing sounded when we watched a movie together and he was really into it. I miss the intensity of the way he loved me, and how it felt like it was us against the world. And if he did get in touch, apologize, explain…I would seriously consider taking him back, fully cognizant of how bad an idea that would be, and how I would be throwing away that mulligan.

How do I him-proof myself? How do I get over this? Has it just not been long enough?

I’m just so sad.

Sincerely yours,

Lucky, But Not Loved

DEAR LUCKY BUT NOT LOVFED: This sounds rough, LBNL, and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I do wish you’d explained a little bit more about why it would’ve been so unsuitable and how the two of you were in this romantically fraught relationship, and that could give a little more insight into how you’re feeling now.

But I strongly suspect that a big reason why you’re still hung up on this is because the relationship ended so abruptly. It’s the suddenness of the break that screws with you, in part because one moment it’s there and everything is great and then suddenly it’s gone.

It’s one thing if you feel a relationship starting to wind down – whether you’re realizing you’re losing that loving feeling or they seem to be pulling a slow fade. Or if you’re constantly in conflict and the good times seem like an increasingly distant memory. In those cases, you have more of a transition period, where your status quo has been changing and the relationship itself is altering until you reach the point where it ends. On those occasions, while it sucks that things fell apart, you at least saw it coming. You’re able to look back on the good times and miss them, but you can also see how – if not why – it all ended.

When it comes screaming out of the clear blue sky, however, there’s no adjustment, no acclimation, no awareness of the change. It’s a bit like a chair you were sitting in vanished and dropped you to the floor, or a door you were leaning on opened without warning. This thing you had is gone and so quickly that you stumble and fall and you have no idea what the hell happened.

Small wonder that you still feel so strongly about it. Yeah, you know this wasn’t good for you and it’s better that the relationship is over, intellectually… but emotionally, it’s next to impossible to make that sort of 180 degree turn in an instant. This is in no small part because what you’re feeling is as much chemical as it is emotional. You’re literally in withdrawal; you were still in the phase where your brain was being flooded with dopamine and oxytocin when he was around. You were getting high off of him – literally – and now suddenly your dealer cut you off with no warning.

So what do you do about it? Well, part of it is that you give yourself closure. While this wasn’t the way you would’ve wanted the relationship to end, you know it needed to, and it’s better that things are over. You can and should acknowledge that you miss how you felt with him – trying to pretend you don’t just doesn’t work – but you also acknowledge that it’s better that this is over.

The next part is that you treat this like any other break up. It may not have been a conventional or even healthy relationship, but it was a relationship, and it ended. So you sit with your feelings and let yourself feel them. You mourn the loss, you regret that it had to happen this way, and you process. Give yourself a couple weeks to have a sad about it, then work on reconnecting with your friends and family. Focus on things that help generate some oxytocin – laughing with your friends, physical touch, good conversations and so on. Get a massage, cuddle with your cat or dog, go for long walks or hit the gym and get your blood pumping and endorphins flowing.

And then? Well, you will be surprised to wake up one day soon and realize that while you still miss these things you used to have with him… it’s not as bad as it was. And as each day passes, you’ll realize that you’re feeling a little better than the day before. And a bit better the next day, and so on and so on. Every day, you’ll miss him a little bit less. ��And in time, you’ll realize that not only are you over him, but you’re ready to go out and meet someone new – someone better for you, who isn’t six red flags in a trench coat. And some day, if Mr. Bad Decision does come back into your life – a day that, God willing, may never come – you’ll realize that you don’t want him back. You will have moved on and whether you’ve met someone who better meets your needs or not, you’ll know that this guy holds no more temptations for you.

You’ve got this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been reading things here for a long time and while I don’t agree with you on everything, I have often thought about getting your opinion on things, as you clearly understand people way better than me. Now, just today, something came up and it will be a while before my next therapy appointment, so I could do with some advice. It isn’t exactly a dating question, but I know you’ve answered questions about general issues with socializing before.

First up, I’m a 31-year-old German, bisexual, autistic (as you probably guessed) guy with moderate depressive disorder and severe social anxiety. I still live with my parents working on a university degree, that seems to take me forever, have very few friends (I had none for most of my youth) and am generally very bad at dealing with people. Like, I know several other autistic people and even compared to them I am bad at it. Even though I can talk just fine and don’t think I am even that bad at understanding people’s actions at a distance, when I am actually around someone else it’s like “What do I do with this? Why are they acting like that and reacting that way to me? Why do I always do this s--t, I know is wrong?”

To finally start approaching the point: I made the (very scary to me) decision to, for the first time, join a Pride Parade in a nearby city this year, which was today. I am furious about the massive social push-back against queer people, especially trans people, that has been happening recently. I know it’s worse over in the US, but it’s very much happening here in Germany too. So I felt, I should do at least this little to show my support. Also, I thought, I needed to get out of my comfort zone and had that slim hope of making some connections to people. I can already see the “Pride isn’t about making friends or lovers”-reaction coming, as it seems nowhere that people meet is about meeting people according to the internet, but I digress.

I actually had a really good time at the parade itself. I had seen very few other queer people in real life before and seeing so many so different people come together to stand up for one another felt really wonderful. I did not exactly feel a part of the group, but at least along with the group, if that makes any sense.

The party after the parade was another story. The parade had arrived at the site earlier than expected and so the organizers needed a while to set things up. I hadn’t made up my mind about whether I was even going to stay for the party ahead of time, as I usually hate parties, but with the delay, I decided to at least take a look around. After some looking around and eating some ice cream, I realized, there wasn’t really much for me there and I left to go home.

The party was on one side of a river I had to cross and when I got to the other side, I sat on a bench to rest for a little. I realized, that I was feeling incredibly lonely. I had seen all these friends and couples around me for hours, but never talked to any of them, didn’t even know how to talk to them. I felt going home was giving up, that I had to take the chance, instead of running away from people, like I always did.

So I went back to the party and stupidly did the same thing I always do at parties, that never works: walk around aimlessly looking for someone who may be interested in conversation, because I don’t enjoy dancing or drinking. But if there are signals that people are willing to open up their groups, they are invisible to me and, well, almost no one was sitting around on their own. And I couldn’t just place myself somewhere in the vain hope someone might come up to me, because it was too crowded.

But then I noticed, I wasn’t the only one circling the premises. I noticed two other people doing the same thing: One was very thick and wearing nerdy clothes, the other was quite cute with pretty, long locks and a wearing a long black skirt that suited them really well. (Both looked like guys to me, even with the skirt, but I’m not gonna assume at a pride party.)

Showing myself much more shallow, than I thought, I tried to get closer to the cute person. I thought of what to say, something like: “Hey. Are you waiting or looking for someone? Because you look like you’re just aimlessly walking around and I was worried, that I was the only one doing that. Wanna be aimless together for a bit?” (Leaving the “are you lonely just like me, oh pretty probably-not-a-woman” implied at most.) It probably shows how little social calibration I have, that I genuinely have no idea, how that would have come off.

Chances are, that they were in fact just looking or waiting for friends, because they checked their phone whenever they stopped. Either way, with me not getting a good opportunity or hesitating too long, but not wanting to lose sight of them, I found myself following them around. Oops.

I should have just left then and there, or done anything else. But I just got fixated on this idea. I did keep myself away from the cute person for a while and they left my sight. But after a while, I saw them down near the river (where the quieter part of the party was), still aimlessly walking around. I waited near the stairs that went down there, but they didn’t come up, so I went down. I actually got pretty close, as they were getting up from the dry grass, they had been lying in for a moment. Our eyes met for a moment and their look seemed to say: “Why the hell are you looking at me?”

Apparently, that still wasn’t enough for me, so when they sat themselves down, right next to the river but away from most people, I sat a bit away from that but just in visual range. They had a quick phone-call (possibly about the creepy stalker following them around). I thought, if they wanted to, they could approach me, if only to confront me, so I could apologize. That didn’t happen, they got up and I looked away, so I couldn’t see where they were going. Then I left for home.

When I got home, I had to find out, that I had been even dumber, than I thought. The weather forecast I’d read had said, that it would be cloudy, so I stupidly didn’t put on sunscreen. It was not cloudy. The entire time I was making an ass of myself, I had been having a bright red face from sunburn.

I know, that chances are, the person I was fixating on didn’t even notice most of that. I still fear, that I have now become someone’s scare story, about how some weird-looking creep had followed them around at pride.

So, my question, after that way-too-long story, is: How do I do better next time? I mean beyond not staring at and following around strangers. Because I had enjoyed the parade and would like to return next year if I can. Should I just avoid the party? Try to bring someone along (will be hard, my few friends and family aren’t bigots, but are awkward about queer stuff)? Should I try to go to one of those queer meetup-things, that seem super awkward and forced to me, because awkward and forced communication is better than none?

I hesitate to ask about more effective methods of approaching people, because whenever I see someone give them, my thought is: “Well how am I supposed to do that? Want me to climb a mountain next?”

I’m writing this so soon after it happened, because, my self-hatred is already turning this from “That went badly. How can I do better?” to “I am a complete garbage person, that no one should ever associate with.” (I am not asking for help with the self-loathing. The only answer you seem to have to that is: “Make yourself think differently.” Which doesn’t work. Yes I tried. Many times.)

Sincerely,

Future Pride Scare Story 

DEAR FUTURE PRIDE SCARE STORY: Hey, FPSS, I don’t mean to diminish what you’re feeling or your understandable worries but are you sure that the problem here isn’t just anxiety f--king with you?

To be perfectly honest, I’m not actually seeing anything in your letter that suggests that you actually did anything wrong – certainly nothing that would come off as creepy or untoward. Most of what you describe sounds pretty anodyne and seems to be more about you over-thinking things and kicking yourself in the junk.

I want to start off by saying that you did a brave and admirable thing. You were trying to get out of your comfort zone and actually go meet people and have fun. That can be pretty damn huge, and it’s great that you did! I’d also point out that the line about “hey, are you kinda wandering and feeling about rolling solo? Me too! Wanna hang out so we don’t feel as weird about it?” is actually a good approach. It’s a little self-aware vulnerability, a bid for a shared commonality and an offer of both understanding and relief. I think, if you’d managed to actually spit it out, that it would’ve gotten a positive response, even if they were just looking for their friends or waiting for someone.��It just seems a shame to me that you’re turning this moment of progress and growth into self-recrimination for no reason.

Part of it seems to be that you either have primed yourself to expect this or you’ve been doing some form of psychic self-harm by looking up videos and TikToks that would confirm that you’re a bad person. I’m honestly scratching my head, for example, at where “Pride isn’t about making friends or lovers” came from. Now admittedly: I’m a straight, cis dude, so my perspective isn’t going to be the same as someone in the queer community but I would’ve sworn that part of the point of Pride is, well, community. Bringing people together, celebrating yourselves, connecting and bonding and rejoicing. Saying “Pride’s not about finding making friends” seems to be contrary to the whole point about it; you’re at a celebration, not a monastic meditation retreat. This sounds to me like the equivalent of saying that you’re not supposed to try to make friends at a rock concert or at college.

(Now to be fair: there seems to be a series of endless debates about what is or isn’t “allowed” or “appropriate” at Pride – usually about kink, corporations or bi/pan people with opposite sex partners – so I could have missed some long-simmering Discourse… but I’d be shocked if so).

I mention this because I don’t know if this is something you came to the event with, or if it’s an after-the-fact rationalization about how ‘awful’ you were. But either way, it sounds like this is more about confirming your priors, rather than a sign that you broke some unwritten rule and are thus a terrible person. And, again, I’m just not seeing it.

If anything, what I’m seeing is standard depression and social anxiety and a lot of your just talking yourself down and beating yourself up because… being shy and worried about talking to someone just wasn’t “bad enough”, I guess. The whole “Oh God, I f--ked up so badly, everyone saw and everyone thinks I’m a predator!” sounds like a pretty common refrain from anxiety brain weasels. Then you compound it with comments like how you’re shallow for (let me check my notes here) finding someone attractive when they were conventionally attractive. Oh you villain, you monster, how could you?

OK more seriously: it doesn’t sound like you even got close enough for the person to clock that you were even there, never mind thinking you were stalking them. As near as I can tell, while you were maybe in their sight line occasionally, you were always at a distance, never actually got that close and never talked to them. Sure, you were trying to stay in the general area in hopes that you’d find an opportunity (and the courage) to talk to them but… it’s a party. People mix and mingle and circulate and walk around. You’re going to see folks over and over again because crowds churn and move and people walk around, talk to folks, get drinks, dance, go grab a smoke break or find a quiet spot to take a phone call or just get some fresh air. It’s pretty much expected, and frankly, most people are either not going to notice, or not think anything of it.

You didn’t follow them to places that would be unusual for people to go, nor did you get close enough for folks to feel like maybe this was more than coincidence. The one time you were in near physical proximity was when they were already getting up and leaving. And the next time you were within eyeshot, they were on their phone and you were leaving.

None of this reads as “following with ill intent”, “stalking” or even “guy thinks I’m cute and is trying to work up the courage to talk”. It’s far more likely to read as basic social churn at a party.

The closest you ever come to having any sort of meaningful contact that would suggest they were even aware you were there is that… they made eye-contact once. Unless you were giving them the hairy eyeball and staring unblinkingly like you were measuring their skin for how many belts you could make out of them, the odds that they even clocked that you were following them is really, really low.

I would also point out that literally everything else about this non-interaction – up to and including reading “ungh, who is this guy?” is interpretation on your part, and considering your social anxiety, I would not trust your interpretation as being reasonable or accurate. It’s the very definition of confirmation bias – you already assume that your presence is unwanted and intrusive, so it’s no wonder that you found “proof”. you were expecting to have this result and oh look, you did. Except, as I said: I don’t think you did. Unless they actually gave a hostile look – furrowed brow, frown, eyes narrowing, fists clenching or shoulders tensing – or gave some other sign of disgust or dislike, the odds are that they just think they made eye-contact with a stranger and that was the end of that.

The same goes with having been sun-burned. That’s embarrassing, sure, and potentially painful… but hardly unheard of. Getting too much sun at parades or outdoor parties is pretty much at the top of “most common shared experiences” lists at events like this. That, overpriced concessions, and “Sweet suffering f--k the port-o-potties were horror shows”.

Here’s the thing: social anxiety feels like there’s a spotlight on you at all times and convinces you that you’re the center of everyone’s attention and I promise you: you are not. Everyone’s busy with their own lives and their own drama and don’t have the time or mental bandwidth to clock you as more than another face in the crowd – sunburnt or otherwise. And in the event that anyone noticed you specifically, they almost certainly didn’t think “wait, why is this person following me”; if anything, they forgot you existed as soon as you left their eye-line. The reason why it feels like everyone’s paying attention to you is because you are feeling self-conscious about it. It feels to you like nobody could possibly miss that you’re always nearby, staring… but trust me: it absolutely is. People will miss a dude in a gorilla suit; you’re not nearly as visible as that.

I think we can safely say that the worst thing you did at this party was forget to bring sun screen, and the rest is just your anxiety f--king with you. You were pushing your limits, your social anxiousness kicked into high gear and your jerkbrain ran with it, that’s all. Part of it is the inherent awkwardness at being at an event where you don’t know anyone, part of it is a lack of experience and part of it is just fear. That’s ok, because those are all fixable!

You mention that you’re in therapy. I think it may be worth talking to your therapist about options for managing your anxiety, both in the moment and in general. There’re a number of breathing exercises you can do in the moment to help calm yourself down, like the 5-5-5 technique where you inhale for a count of 5, hold it for a count of 5 and exhale to the count of 5. There’s also the 4-7-8 version, which follows the same pattern. Breathe in slowly, hold it, breathe out slowly. You may also want to talk about potential medical options, from beta blockers to full SSRIs. These can help you get a handle on the physical symptoms of anxiety, which makes it easier to manage the mental and psychological side of it.

The other thing I think you should do is to go queer meetups, especially ones focused on meeting people and making new friends. Not only does this give you a chance to get used to just chatting with people – and meeting new potential friends – but it also means that next year at Pride, you’ll see some familiar faces, which can help alleviate some of the pressure of “how am I going to talk to anyone?”

The last thing I will leave you with is this: I’ve written a lot about how to navigate parties and talk to strangers, and recommend you check them out. But if you want my #1 tip for how to handle being at a party where you don’t know anyone? Talk to one of the hosts or, failing that, introduce yourself to someone who seems nice and tell them that this is your first time at Pride and you don’t know anyone here. Not only can damn near everyone relate, but they’re far more likely to introduce you around and help you meet people if you lead with that. Trust me: it works a hell of a lot better than holding up the metaphorical wall and hoping that some extrovert is going to come along and adopt you.

But seriously: you’re fine. You didn’t creep anyone out, you didn’t act egregiously. This is just anxiety f--king with you. You’re ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to write to you to ask for advice about my inability to get dates, but also as a way to challenge my train of thought about dating in general.

In my early 20s, I started thinking seriously about dating. Until then, I’d had various crushes, but I was too shy to act on them, so I began looking for advice. I remember reading a lot on Reddit and in self-help books about how the bar is very low for men, that you just need to get presentable (hit the gym, get a nice haircut, wear fitted clothes), talk to women like a normal person, and it should be impossible not to get a girlfriend. So I did all that: I lost 30 kg (66 pounds) in a couple of months, “upgraded” my barber from my mom to a proper one, started researching clothing, went to kinesitherapy to fix my posture, started therapy to work on my stuttering and trying to become a more well-rounded person. Overall, there was a visible glow-up, but there were no women. I felt like I’d been lied to.

Then I turned to online dating. I asked a female friend to help with my profile. We went around the city doing photoshoots, trying to use the environment to show my passions (e.g., a picture in the Japanese garden to reflect my love of anime). We also brainstormed a great bio. A couple of months passed, and I had no matches. It made me feel very ugly and unwanted, so I uninstalled the apps.

I went back online looking for solutions, and what I read was that I needed to get involved in more real-life activities. At that time, my life revolved around work, the gym, and my master’s during the week, and gaming/anime on the weekends. I found a Japanese cultural NGO that offered language classes. I enrolled and started volunteering, but this was just two weeks before the lockdown. I enjoyed learning the language, it gave me something to do during COVID, and I even earned a certification. But it didn’t help with socializing: the classes moved online, and I never really got accepted as a proper volunteer in their group.

Next, I decided to go outside my comfort zone. I’d read that women like a man who can dance, that dance classes are mostly full of women, and that, again, it would be impossible not to get a girlfriend that way. I was hesitant at first because I had a bit of a trauma around dancing: in school, my math teacher once raised me in front of the class to ask why I hadn’t danced at the graduation party. Still, after lockdown ended, I found a Latin dance class. I tried from the start to make myself visible and socialize with both men and women. Over time, there were several women I felt I was connecting with, we’d chat for hours about personal topics, sometimes practice privately, go for coffee in our free time. But every time I asked one of them out on a proper date, I was rejected.

Around 1–2 years ago, a female friend told me her friend, S, would start attending salsa classes after she had an ad-hoc lesson during a vacation. We would interact in beginner classes and at parties, she’d initiate most of the conversation and would often invite me to dance multiple times a night. I didn’t think much of it at first, she was the kind of woman who invited many men to dance. We didn’t spend hours texting or seeing each other outside of dance. Still, she invited me to her place for New Year’s Eve with others from the dancing community (I had other plans), and one time she gifted me a bag of matcha after I randomly mentioned I liked it.

I started to catch feelings after we closed a party by dancing 5+ times in a row, mostly cuddled and not “proper” salsa. Around that time, I wanted to learn more about musical theory and percussion, and since she was a music teacher, I asked if she could come with me to help pick out a pair of claves. We spent the whole day together; after buying the instrument, we got food and later went for drinks. At the end, I asked her if she thought this was a proper date or just a friendly hangout, and she said it was a date. I was so happy.

The following six months were the happiest of my life. Sure, a lot of that was brain chemistry, but I genuinely enjoyed her and our time together. She was my first relationship, and we moved at my pace. In return, I was her first healthy relationship. Eventually, she ended things because of certain incompatibilities. It still hurts, I feel like we could’ve worked through them. It hurts even more when I see her at parties and she acts like I’m invisible.

The breakup was a year ago. Since then, I’ve tried to connect with other women. I reinstalled dating apps, again, zero matches. I’ve pursued women I met and connected with at parties, again, all rejections. I went to a speed dating event and had one match, but she never replied to my message. I asked friends to set me up, nothing. Maybe it’s the media’s that created this expectation, but I always thought getting a first date was supposed to be easy, that it’s during the date you figure out if you’re compatible. I also think I’m decent at the whole dating thing, after all, my only first date turned into a six-month relationship.

My therapist says I should just let myself be present in the moment and go from there, but I have no idea how to do that. With S, the signs were so obvious that I couldn’t miss them, but maybe other women have been interested, and I just didn’t notice?

In addition to working on my appearance over the years, I’ve tried to grow internally as well. I’ve asked friends and my ex how they see me, and I’ve heard things like: reliable, mature, punctual, attentive, funny, warm, wonderful. But I’ve also heard that I’m shy and not flirty.

The dance community has become my real “third place”. Even though I originally joined to meet women, I’ve stuck with it for 4–5 years because I genuinely enjoy it. I’ve discovered a love for learning instruments, I’ve started DJing in the scene, and I’m part of a great group of friends with whom I do lots of activities outside of dance. The social and hobby aspects of my life are in a great place and keep me occupied most days of the week.

So, after reading my story what’s your diagnosis? Am I trying to connect with the wrong women? It feels like the women I meet don’t see me as someone they’d date. Should I look elsewhere? In the past, I tried improv classes, and I’ve seen that my city has a large running community. Am I actually not connecting with women and just following a formula? What does connecting with someone even look like?

The Confused Dancer

DEAR THE CONFUSED DANCER: I see this is going to become a new genre of letter, to go alongside the “I’m too ugly to date”, “I’m doing everything right and I’m still single” and “How do I date this person I have a parasocial relationship with?”

First, because this has come up so often: movies are not real life. Movies are the funhouse mirror held up to society; they’re a reflection, sure, but distorted and warped in order to make the story happen. They’re not something to base your expectations on, because everything that happens in a movie happens because the writer and director said it does. Movies and pop culture can be useful in terms of providing examples for concepts and behaviors that can seem pretty abstract when described to you or laid out in text… but they’re not one-to-one guides for what to expect.

Second: CD, you’ve done what a lot of people have done when trying to figure out how to meet someone and get dates: you’ve worked on everything but the most crucial part of dating – actually connecting with people. There’s a lot about changing your presentation and your physical appearance, a lot about your dating profile and skills to pick up that would make you more attractive. But nowhere in there did I see anything about just getting comfortable with women, talking to them and building connections that can lead to relationships

Now don’t get me wrong: you put in a lot of effort and made a lot of improvements, and you should absolutely be proud of all of that. This took a lot of work, a lot of willpower and a lot of determination on your part. You’ve come a long way, and that’s great! I can absolutely understand why you feel confused and a little lost as to why things aren’t working out the way you hoped. 

I think part of the problem is that you’re still in a place where you’re so in your own head that you’re not having a real conversation with someone so much as trying to make sure you hit all the right marks.  I am willing to bet money that when you’re talking to women, you’re only listening with half an ear. The rest of your brain is focused on making sure that you tick all the right boxes so that you get enough approval points that will make a relationship just happen. To a certain extent, that’s a skill issue as much as anything else. 

And to be fair, that’s not the sort of thing that gets a lot of attention in self-help circles or online forums. Things like “help me fix my look” or “where should I go to meet women” get lots of engagement and attention because it’s a sexy topic and everyone’s going to have opinions. The same goes with strategizing about how to optimize your dating profile or take better pictures or what hobbies women find attractive; these all invite commentary and discussion and debate and before/after shots and all the rest. But these don’t do the work for you. You can look incredible, and that might inspire someone to say “hi” first… but you still have to be able to really connect with them on an individual level, in ways that help build mutual attraction and mutual interest. And that’s where you run into problems.

Part of the problem is that it’s easy to say that you need to develop your social skills, but it’s hard to say which ones and in what way. There’re so many variables �that feed into the issue – from upbringing, to attachment styles, to neurodivergence or trauma, to culture and individual personality – that it’s next to impossible to give one-size-fits-all advice. And, to be perfectly frank, there’re still far too many people who are giving bad advice – focusing less on organic connection so much as manipulation or following formulas and flowcharts that will “ensure” the results you want. It’s very unsatisfying to say “a lot of it’s just vibes, man”, but… it really is. People focus on checklists instead, because checklists give structure and a list to follow, but it’s a bad way of actually engaging with another person.

I think that’s part of the issue you’re having: you’re not having a conversation with someone where you’re fully present, so much as trying to impress them and convince them that they should date you. It sounds to me like you spend a lot of time running through checklists and thinking about your next steps, rather than just vibing with the other person. This is what your therapist means when they tell you to be present and in the moment; instead of thinking of what to say next or trying to read meaning into their word choice or vocal intonation or micro-expression, you want to just… enjoy the conversation. Pay attention to the other person with a goal of just getting to know them and what makes them tick instead of wondering if you’re at a point where you can ask them out on a date yet.

And the thing is: you’ve done this. You should know that you are fully capable of it because you have actually accomplished it. You have the ability; you just aren’t aware of it.

Think about your relationship with S, and how it all progressed. You weren’t actively pursuing her or trying to think about how to get her to go out with you. You were just… dancing and hanging out. You were being friends. Part of it was that she took the lead, sure, but another part of it was – as you put it – that you didn’t think much of it. In other words: you were being authentic and at ease with her. You didn’t have an agenda, you didn’t have an overarching goal, you were just kinda vibing.

In fact, this is precisely the sort of thing that I talk about when I talk about “dating slow”. You weren’t coming in hot; you were getting to know her in a low key, easy-going way.

It wasn’t until later that you started catching feelings, and even then, your first ‘date’ was less of a date and more just hanging out doing a thing that was related to a topic that you both enjoyed �– and, I might add, asking her to teach you something about it. That’s pretty huge; someone asking for your opinion about something you clearly care about and demonstrating respect for your knowledge on a topic is flattering and validating. It makes people feel good, and frankly, a lot of women are used to guys thinking that they know more despite having zero experience or education in the matter. That’s a big part of why it felt so easy and obvious – you weren’t so focused on looking for clues and signs and trying to critical-path your way through the interaction.

This is one of the reasons why “it’ll happen when you least expect it” is a cliché, even as tired as it is. The point is that you’re relaxed and outcome independent and not worried about trying to impress anyone or get a particular result. You’re just being your authentic self and getting to know another person. That’s a big, big part of why this all worked and why you’ve struggled since.

Now to be sure: S taking the lead was a big help. That took some of the self-imposed pressure off you. But that’s not something you can rely on. You have to start working on your shyness and start getting more comfortable with expressing interest and affection. That’s all flirting really is – you’re just showing someone that you’re attracted to them in a fun and engaging way.

I strongly suspect that part of your problem is that these are things that you only try when you’re trying to get a date; you see someone you like and you try to go into “attraction” mode. As a result, it feels clunky and weird and you’re stuck in your own head. This is one of the reasons why I tell people to get comfortable talking with folks and to practice being a little flirty just for the sake of flirting and having fun: like all skills, it becomes easier and comes more naturally when you practice it. It takes time and deliberate effort to go from conscious incompetence (you know what you want to do but you have a hard time doing it) to conscious competence (you can do it, but you have to think about it) – to unconscious competence (you can do it without thinking). The only way you can get to that point is to just do it. There’re no short cuts, no cheat codes; you have to choose to exercise those skills in order to improve. ��Yes, even if you’re an introvert. Even if you’re shy. Even if it would be so much less stressful if someone else would come and do all the hard stuff for you.

But this is precisely why I talk about flirting for fun and just being more social – because you’re taking the pressure off yourself to “succeed”. You’re not trying to get a particular outcome, you’re just chatting and being friendly. You don’t need to worry about whether you’re going to get a phone number or add them to your socials, you just chat and vibe and the only goal is to have a good time. It’s really not that different from hanging and shooting the s--t with your friends; the only difference is that these are friends you’ve only just met.

Does that sound cheesy? Sure. But that particular mindset – that these are people who already like you – is like a Jedi mind trick for instant connection. Because you assume they already like you, you don’t worry about trying to impress them or win them over; you can just focus on enjoying yourself and helping them have a good time too.��And there’re as many ways to flirt as there are people. Some people like to banter, some people are demonstrative, some people are pebblers or crows – offering shiny objects or nifty rocks they think the other person would like. Part of the benefit of flirting for fun and practice is that it gives you an opportunity to figure out a flirting style that works for you and is congruent with your personality. It doesn’t do any good to try to flirt like Ryan Reynolds if you’re not a Ryan Reynolds type of personality, after all.

As it is, you’ve got a decent foundation for meeting new, cool people who you’re compatible with. You’ve got a hobby that brings you into a particular community full of other likeminded people who also enjoy dancing and music. You’re in a position to meet other people organically through the scene. If you let yourself relax and vibe, be a little more assertive and a little more demonstrative and a lot less focused on Get A Date, I think you’ll have much better results.

Don’t worry about formulas, don’t worry about doing everything perfectly or trying to impress people. Talk to people, find out what makes them tick and have fun. Get to know folks the way you got to know S – without focusing on them so much that you lose sight of everything else, and without trying to get some end result as quickly as you can. I think you’ll find that if you unclench, let go of expectations and just vibe, you’ll discover that your next relationship will come a lot easier than you think.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com