DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of a nebulous question that I’m hoping gives you a couple of jumping off points to discuss. I’m in my mid-20s, gay, trans [he/him], and kinky, with a reasonable dating history of a good handful of people who have all taught me something about myself. All of my partners I have met in real life via contact with others- via clubs or university for instance. My issue is that because of my age and the fact I don’t get out a whole lot, most of the people I meet and could be interested are either not into men or in committed relationships. This has been fine for a while, I’ve been having some lovely single me-time to reflect on what I want, but I think I’m ready to get back into dating again. The big issue I have is that it *seems* like dating apps are the best option for me, but every time I think of using them, I get icked out.

I’m not especially handsome and I don’t photograph well – not to say I don’t have other good qualities! I have reasonable self-confidence, and I’m going through HRT right now which is helping me to like my appearance more. But I would describe myself far more as the type of guy who is funny and dorky and quirky and who people fall in love with upon getting to know me first. All my previous relationships have started from friendships. And I should add, started in several cases with me asking them out first, so passivity isn’t really the concern here. Dating apps seem ripe for people to make quick judgements about me, which is especially tough because my combination of autism and shyness makes often for bad first impressions.

But at the same time, I am a bit of a shut-in and I don’t have the time or ability to get out more and do more things to meet people in real life. I am already kind of at capacity for my energy and ability levels. I actively prefer texting to talking in real life, and I would like to meet people outside of my social circles and [more importantly] who are actually interested in dating. So from that side of things, apps seem perfect for where I’m at right now.

To make matters worse, I also know that I don’t tick off a lot of boxes when it comes to material qualities for someone to date. I’m unemployed as I’m in grad school, I can’t drive, and I still live with my mum and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future, as aside from financial reasons, I help my mum with things that otherwise she would need to hire a carer to do. I am worried about how I’ll come across when people are looking at my ‘laundry list’ of material qualities rather than knowing me first.

Again, I know that I have good qualities! I am funny and curious and a great cook, I am passionate about my areas of expertise, I am considerate and give great gifts, I have hobbies and a wide constellation of people who love me, friends and family alike. But in order to get at that, people need to look past the fact that I am not very accomplished in the kind of material ‘adult’ milestones that I know people care about.

And the worst part about all of this is that where I live is a very insular place, especially in the gay scene. I’m worried that if I set up a profile and someone recognises me from it, they’ll think that I’m desperate and think less of me because of it. I don’t know if there’s specific etiquette about engaging with people you already know even passingly on dating apps, and even thinking about it just stresses me out even more. ESPECIALLY as I mentioned, kink is a non-negotiable part of what I want from dating, but I don’t want just everyone knowing about my tastes and proclivities. 

I know Fetlife or other kink-based apps is maybe an option, but a friend of mine has had no success on those [and some gross misgendering], and I would like to date to *date* rather than to just hook up. I really enjoy being the centre of someone’s attention and a priority in their life, being someone that someone just has scenes with occasionally just isn’t what I’m after.

So in short; are my worries/concerns about dating apps justified? Are there steps and measures I can take to get around some of the problems I foresee, or should I focus my attention elsewhere for finding compatible people who would be interested in me?

Thanks for all you do,

Trying To Get Back On The Horse But Scared Of Horses And Saddles And Stables

DEAR TRYING TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE: I’m not gonna lie, TTGBOTH: I’m a little surprised to hear someone in the year of Our Lady Beyonce 2025 say that being on dating apps is cringe. I grew up in the days when dating services – not even dating apps but watching videos of prospective matches or reading profiles in a book handed to you by the company – was the punchline to jokes in TV and movies. When dating apps first came around, there was a strong sense of shame in using them; one of the common jokes for people meeting off Spring Street Personals or even on Match or OKCupid back in the day was “We’ll just tell everyone we met in a bar”.

These days, dating apps are so ubiquitous that nobody thinks about them at all, outside of how they’ve gotten worse since the glory days of “insert-arbitrary-date-here”.

(And for the record, I peg it at the day Tinder exploded on the scene and convinced everyone that swipe mechanics were the way to go.)

All of which is to say: nobody’s going to think you’re sad or desperate for doing something that pretty much the entire dating population does. And even if there was some sort of stigma for being on a dating app – there isn’t, but even if there was – then it’s a little like being recognized for being at a gay bar or a kink party or a porn shop: what was the person who recognized you doing there, hmmm?

So no, you don’t need to worry that people are going to think less of you for being on the apps. As I said: they’re ubiquitous to the point that meeting people in person is the edgy thing again.

Now, my opinions on dating apps these days is pretty well known: I’m less of a fan of them now than I have been previously. I think the ens--tification of the apps brought about by the rot economy has turned them from a useful tool to just another way of extracting value for shareholders. But as long as you go in understanding that they’re Candy Crush – fine-tuned to upsell you at every opportunity – they still have their uses, especially for folks like you who have specific needs and use-cases. You want to find queer people who are also kinky? Cool, apps help streamline the search by putting you in the same metaphorical room as other people who want the same thing.

The key to not going nuts on any dating app is to remember that your goal is to spend as little time as possible on the app and to maximize time meeting people who you actually want to date. The first step is to make sure you’re using the right apps. FetLife is a good starting point, but I’d point out that it’s more akin to Facebook than to a straight-up dating app; it’s more accurate to say that it’s a social media platform that also has a dating component. You might want to look at queer focused apps like Grindr and Scruff; they have reputations for being more focused on finding sex than dating, but people do start relationships with folks they meet on there. And while there can be folks who are s--tty about trans men on the apps, there’re a lot of transmasc folks who’ve met amazing dudes who were all about them – both for quick hook-ups and for longer-term connections.

You might also want to look at an app like Feeld, which focuses pretty heavily on alternative relationships and sexualities; it’s chock full with kinksters, rope-bunnies, doms and dames, trans people, queer people, poly people of all stripes, looking for the same.

The next step is to be clear about what you’re looking for. Lead with that – “I’m looking for someone who wants X”, so people who want X can find you easily, while people who don’t want X know they should move on. This includes your particular kinks and the kind of relationship you want – in your case, something with potential for long-term commitment. I’m a big believer in talking about what you’re looking for and focusing on the positives, rather than leading with “not here for Y, Z or A1 so don’t bother” or a list of “all of these people suck and shouldn’t even be on this app”. It’s more attractive in general, it displays more confidence and assurance and it doesn’t make you sound like yet one more bitter asshat with entitlement issues who doesn’t get why people aren’t lining up for a sniff of his crotch.

Plus: being up front about what you’re into and what you want is always a good thing – it may not completely eliminate the people who can’t be bothered to actually read your profile, but it certainly makes it easier to dismiss the people who aren’t your chosen flavor and to pay attention to the ones who are.

Don’t worry about people who are just looking for quickies and hook-ups; they’re on every app, even Farmers Only and Christian Mingle. You’ll start learning how to filter them out pretty damn fast and focus on the people who actually meet your needs.

Now, if you see someone you kinda know on the apps? Well… if you didn’t know they were queer, kinky and/or available, now you do. Sending a wink/ping/like is functionally a flirty gesture – a low pressure, low-investment sign of potential interest that they can pretend they didn’t see if they want to avoid a “so… this is awkward…” convo if they’re not interested. It can also serve as a “oh, hey! Fancy seeing you here!” among folks you do know, like running into someone unexpectedly at Barnes and Noble or Starbucks if you have that kind of relationship too. And who knows? It may lead to something more if it turns out they always thought you were kinda cute.

But the thing I would say is most important to keep in mind is that dating apps are not real life, nor are they a reasonable measure of literally anything other than how good you are at using dating apps. A lack of attention doesn’t mean anything outside of not getting a lot of attention; it doesn’t mean that you’re undesirable or unf--kable. Keep in mind that pretty much every app has an algorithm that controls who you see and who sees you, and they’re all set up to frustrate you so that you’ll be more willing to pay for anti-frustration features.

To help combat the way the apps can f--k with your head, I’d recommend being disciplined and rigorous in how you use it: turn off the notifications and onlycheck/swipe on specific days, for a specific amount of time. I will also reiterate my stance that dating apps should be a supplement for how you meet people, not a replacement. Right now, it’s more convenient for you with your circumstances, but I would still say that you should give more focus on meeting people in person. It’s more suited for your personality and far more satisfying.

Don’t take it too seriously and you’ll be fine. And who knows, you may meet the kinky dude of your dreams…

And then you can tell everyone you met at some dingy dive bar instead of on Feeld.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I hope you’re doing well. I’m a seventeen-year-old guy, and I’ve finally reached a milestone that I’ve been chasing since middle school: I have a girlfriend.

For most of my adolescence, I was the stereotypical insecure, scrawny, short kid. I had acne, I was socially awkward, and I was constantly preoccupied with the idea of getting girls to like me. Puberty was rough — I felt invisible. But over the last couple of years, things changed. I shot up a few inches and got serious about improving my health. I hit the gym during that natural anabolic window right after I turned sixteen, started dressing better, and finally got my skin under control. As I saw my body transform, my confidence grew. I joined clubs, pushed myself to talk to strangers, and learned how to hold a conversation. Eventually, I met someone who agreed to be my girlfriend.

But here’s the thing: outside of the physical side of our relationship, I don’t feel as fulfilled as I thought I would. In fact, I feel kind of… confined. All my life, I imagined that once I got a girlfriend, everything would click into place — life would feel more meaningful, I’d stop worrying about whether I was desirable, and I’d finally get the validation I thought I was missing.

Instead, I’m second-guessing myself constantly. Am I feeling what I’m supposed to feel? Is this as exciting as it’s supposed to be? Sometimes I even catch myself missing the independence I had before — being able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to juggle through commitments that I made with another individual.

I’m confused because I spent so long thinking dreaming about the day I’ll have a girlfriend. Now that I’m here, I’m realizing it’s not that simple. I don’t know if I’m just not used to being in a relationship, or if this is a sign that romantic relationships aren’t as fun as they’re cracked up to be.

What am I supposed to do now that I have what I always thought I wanted… and it doesn’t feel how I expected?

Sincerely,

Finally There, But Unsure

DEAR FINALLY THERE, BUT UNSURE: As a general rule, FTBU, I want to point out that love doesn’t always feel like it’s all cartoon birds and spontaneous dance numbers because you’re so besotted with one another. Sometimes it’s quiet satisfaction and comfort, feeling someone click into place and realizing it feels like they had always been there and were always meant to be there. The butterflies and racing pulse and surges of adrenaline tend to be symptoms of limerence, not romantic love. Similarly, the “this person is perfect, even the way she chews her food is so freaking adorable and we can’t keep our hands off each other” feeling tends to be what’s known as New Relationship Energy – the cascade of oxytocin and dopamine that comes from being sexually intimate with a new partner. People confuse these concepts regularly, and often wonder what’s wrong with their relationship when either the excitement fades or their relationship doesn’t feel that way.

But that’s not really the issue here.

So now I’m going to ask you a question that’s going to sound like I’m dunking on you, but I promise, there’s a purpose behind it: do you actually like your girlfriend?

I ask this because what you’re experiencing is precisely why I tell people that they don’t want to find someone to fill a hole marked “girlfriend” in their lives; what they actually want is someone who compliments their life, someone who makes their life feel richer and more fulfilled and more enjoyable than being on their own. Not because their lives are empty without them, but because this was making things even better than before.

A lot of what you describe – that sense of finally having someone validate you, life would be more meaningful and so on – are precisely the things you shouldn’t be looking to other people for. Those are things you should be doing for yourself.

Some of this is for practical reasons; relying on other people for validation and fulfillment means that those things are impermanent and can be taken from you at any time. Friends and partners enter and leave our lives all the time, after all, for any number of reasons. We can never know whether this relationship – platonic or romantic or sexual – will end or why. We hope that they last for life, but there are no guarantees. If you rely on others for your validation or for your sense of meaning or purpose, then you’re constantly at risk for having those things go away without warning.

Similarly, those feelings will be incredibly fragile. Without a strong basis for your own sense of worth or fulfillment, you’ll always be at risk of having those feelings shattered. External validation is great, don’t get me wrong. But when you rely on it and it’s your only source of validation, you are never actually secure; someone else will make a comment – intentionally or not, directed or overheard, targeted or off-hand – and it’ll shatter everything, and it will take far more to put everything back together than you have.

And it will happen. It doesn’t matter who it is – Michael B. Jordan, Chris Evans, Timothy Chalamet, Sunghoon, Jungkook, whomever – someone wouldn’t f--k him with borrowed genitals and George Clooney and Christina Hendricks to do the pushing and they will be more than happy to say so at length and in great detail.

(Consider how many blogs, forum threads and gossip rags will scan for the tiniest and most absurd flaws in objectively gorgeous people and try to insist this makes them look like the Toxic Avenger.)

But the more important reason you need to provide these things for yourself is that external sources simply won’t actually fill that need. At best, relying on outside sources may mask the feeling of the gaping hole at the core of your being. You’ll be able to ignore it, at least for a little while, but it will always be there. But even then, they won’t do what’s needed: they won’t fill that hole. That hole will be effectively bottomless, and nothing you toss down it will be enough to close it down. If you don’t have things that fulfill you and give your life meaning when you’re single, if you don’t have your own sense of internal validation, nothing will satisfy that yearning void for very long.

This is why I tell people, over and over again, that validation needs to come from within before you start to look for validation to come from without. Having purpose and direction, having things that you do simply because they feed your soul and give you that sense of satisfaction make your life better. Having that sense of internal validation that isn’t reliant on the opinions is part of how build a sense of security and confidence. And all of these mean that when you do find a partner, you’re doing so because they build on what’s already there instead of providing the foundation you don’t have.

So, the first thing I would suggest is to take a look at your own life and ask how many of those things do you have already? If you don’t have fulfillment and validation without her, then part of what you need to do is develop those things so that they exist independently of your social life. Building that foundation for yourself will make everything else better and it’ll give you clarity into whether this is a relationship that actually meets your needs and one where you bring value to her life as she brings value to yours.

But the next thing I want you to do is seriously consider why you’re dating her. If you’re dating her for the wrong reasons – filling that empty hole marked “girlfriend” – then you’re going to be disappointed, especially when the novelty of having a girlfriend wears off. I’ve been there, done that and hurt a lot of people who didn’t deserve it because I didn’t know what the f--k I was doing at the time.

This is why I tell people to prioritize dating people that they actually like – people they want to spend time with, who they love to talk to and listen to, people they find fascinating and who open them up to new and interesting possibilities. Yeah, we all love having pretty people around us, but the novelty of someone’s hotness fades faster than you’ll ever realize. The same goes with the novelty of sexual intimacy; kissing someone or touching a boob or even having sex becomes less interesting and less desirable when you don’t have that personal and emotional connection to go with it. Doubly so if you’re with someone just because they said “yes” and not because you want them, specifically.

Trust me: I’ve had a lot of one-night stands and casual flings just for the sake of getting my rocks off, and I’ve had flings and hook-ups with people who I would want to hang out with even if sex was never on the table. The latter is so much better to the former that I’m not sure it’s possible to calculate the ratio. It’s lead to my golden rule of dating: don’t hook up with someone you wouldn’t be friends with or can’t have good conversations with, even if it’s just a one-off.

This brings me back to my initial question for you: do you actually like your girlfriend? Is she someone you would want in your life if you weren’t dating her? Is she someone awesome or is she just the one who said “yes”? Do you enjoy spending time with her when you’re not being physical? Do you want to find things to go do together because it would be even better than doing it by yourself? How many times do you think about things in your life that you’re eager to share with her because you think she’d love it? How many times do you get excited because she’s going to share some of her special interests and insights and history?

Give that some serious thought. If you find that the answer tends to be “not really” or “no” or “not very often”, then the issue isn’t that relationships aren’t as fulfilling as you expected. It’s that you’re with the wrong person and for the wrong reasons. If you can’t appreciate her for the amazing person she is and don’t want her in your life for being her, specifically, then this is a relationship that won’t actually make either of you happy.

Take some time and look inward while you ask yourself these questions. Once you have the answers, you’ll have a better idea of what to do next.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have started reading your column recently and I have found your advice insightful. I wanted to ask you a question about a certain situation that I am facing.

A little over a year ago, I [26M] became friends with a woman [34F] that I met while travelling for work. I met her while I was on a tour exploring the city after I had finished my work function. At the time, I had a girlfriend so I was not looking for anything from her. I gave her my Whatsapp so we could share some photos we took, but afterwards I thought nothing of it.

My girlfriend at the time broke up with me for unrelated reasons about a month after I met this girl. Shortly afterwards, she reached out. We started talking more frequently. Mostly just sharing memes or talking about whatever. I also was going to be down in her city for business, so I agreed to meet her. Later on, after a bit of ambiguous flirting from her, I told her that I just wanted to be friends. She said, I had misunderstood, and that was just a cultural misunderstanding. I accepted that because I have had friends, I had this type of relationship with before, but I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t expecting anything else, because I didn’t want her to get hurt.

After that, she backed off on talking to me for a bit, and I understood. I was going to be in her city for work anyways, so about a week before, I reached out to make sure she still wanted to meet up. We did and we had a great time. From there, we talked almost every day afterwards. Our friendship was more flirtatious, but I just thought that was the nature of things. Later on, we agreed to go on vacation together, as friends.

During the first few days of the vacation, things got a little heavy, and I got carried away. We started getting quite affectionate and we both had a lot to drink. We were in the middle of hooking up, but then I had a brief moment of realization and stopped. I explained to her that I like her, but friends with benefits hadn’t worked out for me in the past, and I would prefer not to do that again. Understandably, she told me she was hurt that I rejected her, but then assured me she still wanted to be friends and that this was just a heat of the moment thing.

We are still friends and still talking. Things have scaled back, especially with the flirting, which is fine. I actually have plans to visit her for her birthday. But I am running into dilemmas about how I feel.

I think she is an incredible person. The issue I have is that I don’t want another long-distance relationship after my experience with that in a previous relationship. On top of that, there is no realistic path forward for us. She is an immigrant to a third country, and I live in the United States. Citizens from the country she is originally from are currently not allowed to enter the United States. She does not speak English, could not practice her profession in the United States without significant additional education, and she has a 5-year-old daughter that she has joint custody of in this third country.

I am not in a great position to move to the country she lives. I would have to quit my job, and it would be very hard for me to find employment down there, and I would get paid about a third of what I currently make. She has offered to let me live with her in the past, but that is not a position I want to be in. I also don’t really want to immigrate again after going through that process before. I have explained that this is the main obstacle, and she understands.

But I can tell she is still hurt about this. I want to keep her as a part of my life as a friend. But I feel like a piece of s--t because I can’t give her what she wants. She has agreed to be my friend, and she is one of the best people I know. She is always supportive, kind, and loving. Not just to me, but also to her friends, her daughter, and her family as well. I don’t feel like it would be fair to say she can’t be my friend anymore, because I feel she hasn’t done anything wrong. Sometimes though, I feel like I am bad for her. Also, I don’t think most women would agree to a relationship with me while even having a platonic friendship with her.

How would you recommend I proceed? I recognize I need boundaries, but where do I put those?

Signed,

Rock and a Hard Place

DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: Alright, there’re a few things to deal with in your situation, RAHP. Let’s start with the meat of your question first. Right off the bat: you’ve presented yourself with a series of limited options in pretty much every aspect of your relationship with your friend. For one, you have more options than “long-term, committed long distance relationship” and “nothing”. You two have chemistry, sure, and you get along famously, which is great. But – leaving aside the obstacles like immigration restrictions, her daughter or your lack of interest in moving to her country – you could let this be something a little more than friends with benefits but a little less than total commitment. A series of short-term flings – which is slightly reductive, but “we really like each other but we can’t make this work long term, so we pack a lot of living into the brief times we can see each other” is an unwieldy mouthful – is an option, after all. You would be treating this as being more serious and significant than just an FWB situation – a “we can’t be together so we steal what time we can, when we can” – that actually honors what you two would have while acknowledging that it can’t last for reasons beyond your control.

Hell, a lot of people might find that unspeakably romantic. Poems, ballads and incredibly soppy movies have been written about less.

Similarly, you don’t have to cut her off as a friend. I’m not sure where you got the idea that women wouldn’t want a relationship with you if you and she were still platonic friends, but that’s an obstacle of your own making. Having female friends – even ones you have a close friendship with, even ones who you kinda-sorta hooked up with and talked about dating before mutually agreeing that it just wouldn’t work – isn’t going to be a deal breaker for people who are vaguely reasonable adults. Anyone who’s going to be that threatened by someone who isn’t even in the same country as you, never mind the same area code, is someone who’s going to invent new forms of drama under the best of circumstances.

Unless, of course, you don’t actually clean up your act. You’re right: you do need some boundaries if you’re going to make this friendship work. But the boundaries you need are going to be ones that you have to abide by, because you’re the one who kept leading her on. You’re going to have to s--t or get off the pot here, because up until now, you’ve been trying to have it both ways, and that’s not going to work.

Here’s the thing: your relationship with her has a very consistent pattern – you two start talking, you get flirty, she responds and then you pull back and go “WOAH, hold on, this isn’t what I meant, I can’t do this.” And then five minutes later, you’re getting all flirty and lovey-dovey again, even as you say that you’ve dialed it back this time for realsies.

I’ve counted at least three separate occasions where you get flirty with her, pull back and say “no, stop, we can’t”, then get flirty again not long afterwards. I will be honest; as soon as I saw “we decided to go on vacation together as friends” come up, I was counting down the seconds until the two of you wound up in bed together. I would also be willing to wager cash-money that this is precisely what will happen again when you visit her for her birthday.

Quite frankly, I’m wondering why you haven’t seen this pattern yourself. I’m also wondering how many times you and your friend are going to do this dance before she gets tired of setting herself up to be rejected again after you’ve been giving her yet more signs of clearly wanting to be more than friends.

I know you’re not doing this maliciously, but this dance of “go away/ wait a minute” isn’t fair to her. You flirt with her, you get physically affectionate and then as soon as she starts to respond, you tell her that you don’t want this. At best, it’s confusing to her, seeing as your actions and your words aren’t lining up. At worst… well, at worst, it’s painful. Rejection isn’t fun under the best of circumstances, but rejection that comes after the other person is making goo-goo eyes and kissy noises is especially painful. While it may not be intentional, it has the effect of leaving her on the hook and wondering if maybe this time will be the time that you’re not going to yank the football away at the last second.

So, you’re going to have to make the call here. Either the two of you can try to find some way to make this a series of flings that you can have when you’re both single and able to see each other, or you’re going to have to commit to being completely platonic. That means no flirting, no physical affection and being almost religiously disciplined about drinking or anything else that might cause a (ahem) “lapse in judgement”. Because let’s be honest here, just you and me and the readers making three: we all know that’s going to happen when you visit her for her birthday. It’ll be another “accident” that everyone will see coming from a mile away and yet somehow you just can’t seem to get out of the way in time.

So, if you want her in your life, you have to make a decision and stick to it. You either find a way to make this a more serious relationship – even as your time together is incredibly limited – or you end the flirting and making out and constant emotional edging cold. No exceptions. Anything else is too unfair and too disrespectful to her.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com