DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m honestly not even sure how to begin writing about this – but here goes. I feel like being “too nice” is actually holding me back when it comes to dating and relationships.

Growing up, I was the shy, bullied kid. I kept to myself, played video games, and spent way too much time online trying to escape and cope. The term “incel” wasn’t common back then, but the underlying frustration and confusion around dating were definitely there. I never believed in the extreme ideas, like needing to be six feet tall to have a chance with women, but I did constantly compare myself to guys who were more confident, edgier, better looking, and more athletic. I always felt like I didn’t measure up.

Fast forward to now – things are different. I’ve grown into myself. I’m charismatic, confident, fun to be around, and I know I’m attractive. I don’t mean that in an arrogant way – it’s just something I’ve come to accept, and I have had way too many people compliment my appearance. People seem to enjoy being around me, and sometimes I unintentionally become the center of attention. I teach dance part-time, so I spend a lot of time with women and connecting socially comes easily in that space. I also know that women come to trust me very well.

And yet…I’m 34, and I’ve only ever been on one date when I was 18.

I’m not insecure about my masculinity per-se, but I feel like my softer character is a disadvantage. I’m not the stereotypical macho type, but I’m in great shape, have a solid sense of style, and I carry myself well. I’m kind and playful – but I also have clear boundaries, I speak up for myself, and I don’t let people walk all over me. That’s gotten me into trouble a few times, actually. Sometimes I wonder if people assume I’m gay. It’s come up now and then, and a few gay men have shown interest, but it’s rare enough that I don’t think it’s a major factor. I’ve even asked a couple of female friends, and they’ve said no, they never got that impression. I’m always making people laugh, and it’s clear the comfort is there.

In the past year or so, I’ve started to notice women looking at me in ways I hadn’t seen before – glances, and subtle touches. But even then, those glancing at me don’t tend to give me an opening (such as getting closer, or smiling), and the interactions I do have never seem to go beyond surface-level friendliness. With the women I’m more familiar with, I try to extend our interactions, like dropping them a text outside of the times that I see them physically, but they don’t respond to such advances (platonic or otherwise). I am flirty. It’s like I’ve got all the characteristics some may want in a partner, but I’m not someone they see romantically or sexually.

So here’s what I’m trying to understand: If I’m not being fake nice, and I’m not a pushover – why does being a genuinely kind, empathetic, and playful man seem to work against me when it comes to finding love or being desired?

Mr. Nice Guy

DEAR Mr. NICE GUY: This isn’t a question of your being “too nice”, MNG. In fact, unless you’ve left out some important details – like someone saying “you’re just too nice”, then nothing you describe has anything to do with how nice/bad you are. You’re attributing things to being “too nice” because this is something that is in the forefront of your mind, not something that’s driving other people away. And, if I’m being honest, I think you’re running into an issue a lot of folks who’ve had a similar glow-up have.

Don’t get me wrong: you’ve made a lot of progress – both with your overall looks and presentation and with your relationship with yourself and your body. That’s all excellent, and you should be proud of all the work you’ve done and the progress that you’ve made. But while you’ve put in a lot of effort to grow and mature in these areas, I think you haven’t put quite as much effort into letting go of old, unhelpful beliefs about yourself, about women and about dating in general.

Part of the problem is misunderstanding what being “too nice” actually means. When we talk about Nice Guys™ or about the problem with being “nice”, we’re not saying that being compassionate, considerate, accommodating or generous and empathic are unattractive qualities or turn people off. In fact, those are all qualities that make someone more charismatic, not less. The “too nice” problem is almost always an issue of someone having too little confidence and assertiveness, of being too passive and too eager to evade any sort of ownership of their own interests or desire.

It’s the same when people complain about “bad boys” or “a--holes” and how supposedly popular and desirable they are. Most of the time “asshole” in this case really means “person who has what I want and I don’t think they deserve it”. It’s almost always a matter of envy that people don’t want to acknowledge as envy; they see confidence and assertiveness as arrogance and aggression because they don’t feel it in themselves, even though they wish they had it. They see someone who may be a bit cocky and think they’re actually a horrible person because they themselves lack that feeling of self-assurance. And while it’s certainly true that a lot of s--tty, manipulative people convince folks to date them, the reason why folks find them attractive isn’t because they’re horrible; they’re often just better at hiding their s--ttiness at first.

After all, nobody’s thinking “wow, this guy is absolutely going to milk me for money, treat me like s--t, f--k my best friend and wipe his d--k on the teddy bear I’ve had since childhood on his way out the door, I must have him.”

It’s also not the case that “nice” guys can’t be cruel or manipulative. Lots of people have complained about uwu smol-bean softbois who treat their partners and prospective dates like s--t; the only difference is the flavor.

Being too afraid of rejection to make a move, not having confidence in oneself or not necessarily having the same level of charisma or charm as others doesn’t make someone “nice”. It just makes them someone who doesn’t want to take a chance and hasn’t developed the skill to be charismatic or to express themselves in an attractive way.

The problem that you – like a lot of other people – are having is that you’ve mistaken the sizzle for the steak. Being stylish, in good physical shape and conventionally attractive are all appealing qualities, to be sure… but that’s not going to do the work for you. You can be incredibly hot but have all the interpersonal skills of a boiled potato, while a dude who looks like his parents vacationed one too many times in Innsmouth can be out there getting ass like he was in a car case and crashed through a plate-ass window. At the risk of sounding dismissive, the difference really is a skill issue.

A lot of social success, especially when it comes to dating and relationships, comes down to connecting with people, reading the room and knowing how to present yourself as a potential romantic partner. It’s about having people skills and knowing how to make someone smile or laugh or feel good about themselves or how to be someone who brings the fun. Part of the reason why “I’m ugly, broke and borderline homeless… but I’m in a band” is such a cliché is because they are very good at hitting people in the feels. Music, after all, affects us in a very primal place; it moves us, inspires us and just makes us feel. And it’s that “how you make people feel” that a lot of folks forget to develop.

When people focus on improving external qualities like their physique or their style, they often lose sight of the importance of soft skills like flirting or building a connection with people. They often convince themselves that the only thing holding themselves back is how they look, rather than how they interact with other people. There’s a tendency to think that looks alone are going to do the heavy lifting and all they have to do is wait for success to come rolling in. As a result, even when people express some interest in them, they don’t know how to build on those moments. Nor do they know how to initiate the connection and find the people who’re looking for someone just like them.

Now in your case, specifically, I think you’re still in need of working on your assertiveness and willingness to make the first move, as well as working on how to read the room. Let’s take the women you mention seeing giving you subtle signs but not giving you an opening like coming closer. Many times, the issue is that you need to be the one coming closer to them; the reason why we call these approach invitations is that you’re being invited to come approach them. That is: they’ve given you a sign that they’re curious about you, so now it’s on you to go over and strike up a conversation.

Similarly, you might want to give them an invitation of your own. Meeting their eyes and smiling first, for example, is a sign that you’re friendly and open to talking. The classic “make eye contact, look away, look back and smile” is sending the message that you noticed them – especially if you notice them looking at you first – and you’re pleased by this. You might add a flirty angle to it by giving a Harrison Ford-esque wink and grin or an eyebrow flash to show your interest. Or send a more direct invite with a head nod or gesture to come over and say hello.

I suspect that you haven’t been doing these things, which is likely the source of most of the times people have wondered if you were gay; even today, a lot of people hold onto stereotypes about gay behavior vs. straight behavior. Your overall look and behavior paired with a seeming lack of interest in the women you’re talking to will occasionally lead to people making erroneous assumptions.

Just as importantly, you want to work on the differences between someone who’s being polite or friendly versus someone who’s genuinely interested. This is as much art as it is science and it takes a certain amount of practice and social calibration, and it requires tailoring your approach to be appropriate for the people involved. If you’re getting no response from the texts you’re sending to your casual acquaintances, you may well be misreading their intentions or the way you’re texting them isn’t inviting a response – or the response you’re looking for, in any case.

Part of the problem is the context that you’re meeting the women you’ve been texting or inviting out. If you’ve met these women in the context of being their dance teacher, you may not be someone they would feel comfortable having a more personal relationship with. The fact that this is a semi-professional relationship may make them feel uncomfortable having more of a social connection, especially if you’re being paid to teach them.

(I would also advise caution here; while the fact that you’re teaching dance classes isn’t the same as, say, being their college professor, your employer may well have very strong opinions about teachers trying to flirt with the students.)

Others, however, may simply not feel like you have the sort of relationship that would lead to contact outside of class or seeing you socially. It may also simply be that you’re not where you would need to be yet.

In those cases, you’d need to devote a little more time to building the foundation of a connection with them via making small talk and getting to know them over time.

One of the things I would suggest that you should pay attention to is the overall tone and tenor of your interactions. Are you asking them questions about themselves and showing interest in getting to know them as people? Have you asked about their hobbies or interests? Have you found that you and they have interests or experiences in common, or have all the conversations been strictly small talk about “safe” topics? These are all important when it comes to establishing the sorts of connections that can lead to friendships and more. If you’re not doing this – and honestly, a lot of men have issues with actually asking questions or showing basic interest in the people they’re talking to – then that’s something you should pay more attention to.

Similarly, have you been flirting with these people or otherwise showing interest in being more than acquaintances? Have there been moments when you were talking in person that they were showing interest in seeing you again or seeing you socially – more than the usual polite “well, hope to see you again?” If not, then again, this is an area that’s going to require more attention and effort from you. You’re going to want signs of mutual interest. Otherwise, you’re likely to have invitations and texts that are going to go unanswered.

Again, I don’t want to downplay or dismiss the effort you’ve put into your presentation and your confidence. I just want to emphasize that developing and improving your social skills is equally important as working on your looks – if not more so. You’ve put a lot of work into looking better. Now it’s time to develop the other skills you need for social success.

Don’t worry about being “too nice”. Put your focus on being more social and more proactive about meeting people you’re interested in.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is the second question I have submitted and I just wanted to thank you for your answer on my first one a few years ago.

I have been dating a girl for about a month that I met in one of my classes in college. To sum up the story before I get to the meat of my question, we immediately clicked and quickly became very good friends and right before the end of the school year (early May) we both realized that we wanted to be with each other as more than friends. Now, we have been through a LOT together and it has brought us very close, both as friends before and as boyfriend and girlfriend now. However, there are a couple of key issues that I want to unpack and get your advice on, including something that I unfortunately believe will be a dealbreaker.

In essence, she is a strong Catholic and I am not. Naturally, this means that she wants to wait for marriage until any sex. A key problem, however, is that she kind of flip flops on this with me – one day it is very clear and the next day she is sending me reels about what she wants to do with me or talking about how much she wants that with me, so clearly she has an internal conflict on this. Part of this has to do with ADHD, which makes her more impulsive and (in her own words) sometimes makes her value her strong sex drive more than her values and beliefs. Another key problem is that ultimately, sex is a very important part of a relationship for me, and I seriously wonder if I am going to be fulfilled long-term in this relationship. I also wonder about how these dynamics will work when we are not long-distance (which we are for the summer), Lastly, she was sexually active with her ex, and she is open with me about that. While that does not change the obvious fact that she has the right to set whatever boundaries that she wants around sex, I cannot deny that makes me feel a burning sense of jealousy when I consider the future of this relationship – this is not the kind of jealousy that goes away easily, either – it eats away at me. This is probably unhealthy on my part, but I cannot deny it is there.

However… we LOVE each other. When I say love, we bring out the best in each other. A lot of what makes her great is based on her strong faith, which makes her incredibly caring and compassionate with me. She encourages me to open up to her and then actually listens, and has seen me cry multiple times. She has even said something to the effect of even if I was incredibly poor, she would still love me, and I have no reason to doubt the sincerity of that statement. I am worried that if I break up with her, I will ruin my chance at a girl who truly loves me and values me for who I am as she so obviously does – I am not necessarily worried about finding another girlfriend, and I am especially not too worried about finding one who shares views more compatible with mine on sex before marriage, but I feel like the bond between us is rare. I also truly love her, and feel the exact same way that she does, which would make breaking up with her unbelievably painful. 

I am also worried that, based on her impulsivity, she would guarantee me sex in exchange for staying with me, but I am not going to accept that under any circumstances because no one should have to change who they are or violate their core values to stay with me, and I ultimately would not be happy with sex if that was the reason we were having it either. I ultimately want the best for her and I will go to my grave caring about her whether we are together or not, but a breakup will be unbelievably hard given what I just outlined.

I am in desperate need of advice on this situation and whether I should try to make it work or find someone else.

Sorry for the long question and thank you so much for reading,

Knife in my Heart

DEAR KNIFE IN MY HEART: Ok, before I dig into the meat of your issue, I need to say this: your girlfriend, as amazing as she is, is not the only person who could love or care for you like this, nor is she the only person who would make you feel this way.

I want you to understand that I’m saying this without saying that your relationship is doomed or that you need to leave her because there’re other women out there. This is just incipient Oneitis. I just want you to understand that this isn’t the only woman who you could ever love, who could ever make you feel this way or would be this amazing. That sort of thinking is a trap, and it leads to a lot of folks staying in relationships that they should leave. It also causes folks to get hung up on one single person and missing out on others who would be just as incredible, if not more.

The second thing I want to emphasize is that you can love someone to pieces, but still have a relationship that simply isn’t going to work for the two of you. Unfortunately, love isn’t rational, nor is it a guarantee of compatibility. People can love each other to distraction, but not be a good fit for one another as romantic partners; despite what all the poets and musicians have told us, love doesn’t conquer all, nor does it overcome all obstacles. Conflicts in lifestyle, values or just the direction their lives are going in can still prevent couples who are madly in love from having a successful relationship. Some people simply won’t work as lovers, no matter how much they wish they did; they may be amazing, life-long friends, but they simply won’t mesh in the ways they need to be romantic partners. It sucks and it’s unfair, but it’s like the song says: sometimes love just ain’t enough.

The third thing I want you to understand is that it’s entirely reasonable to want sex in general and to want physical and sexual intimacy with your partner, specifically. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with sex being a priority in your relationship and feeling frustrated when you and your partner seem to be on different pages on the matter. It’s also understandable that you feel pings of envy over the matter. It can become a problem if you can’t resolve that envy, and you have to be careful about how you respond to that feeling, but it’s a perfectly normal and human feeling.

Sex and sexual compatibility is an incredibly important part of a long-term relationship. If you don’t make sexual compatibility a priority in your relationship, you’ve started a ticking timebomb that will go off eventually. And to be clear: sexual compatibility doesn’t just mean “we both want to have lots of sex” or “we’re both kinky and non-monogamous”, it also means “we’re on the same page about wanting to wait” or “sex ISN’T a priority for us”.

This is why it’s perfectly fine that sex and sexual intimacy is a deal breaker. It becomes an issue if one person is pushing the other in a direction they’re not comfortable with – whether that’s to have sex before they’re ready or to insist that sex isn’t going to be a priority or a significant part of their connection (often while demanding strict monogamy). But wanting a sexual component to the relationship (or not wanting it) isn’t bad in and of itself, nor is ending a relationship over it.

Now, everyone can have their opinions about other people’s deal breakers – I personally thinking that waiting until marriage is a foolish idea – but they don’t get a vote. But if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, then you two need to make sure you’re both on the same page about what you expect and that you both respect that agreement.

This is why it’s a little troubling that your girlfriend is blowing hot and cold. Teasing you, intentionally or not, by talking about things she wants to do but won’t yet isn’t cool. Not, at least, unless that sort of edging/denial play is something you’ve both agreed to, and to be perfectly blunt, a years-long edging just seems like it’s far too much.

I don’t think she’s being deliberately cruel, don’t get me wrong, but I do think that this behavior isn’t cool. I suspect your girlfriend is having her own internal conflicts that she needs to resolve, and I think she’s not taking it as seriously as she should. I have a lot of sympathy for my neurospicy bretheren, sisteren and theytherin but I don’t buy “some days I’m so distracted and horny that I forget I’m Catholic” is attributable to having ADHD. That, to me, sounds like a rationalization at best and an excuse to not look too closely at the matter at worst – and to not have to deal with how it affects the people around her.  

What you need to do right now is talk to your girlfriend and figure out where her head is at. You and she need to have an Awkward Conversation – possibly a series of them – where you both lay out what’s going on, why, and how it’s making you feel. This is going to be a particularly thorny discussion (or series of discussions), so you both will want to follow the Awkward Conversation formula very closely.

Set aside time specifically to have this conversation, so that you won’t be distracted or interrupted. This isn’t going to be a dialogue at first, but rather a download – you’re going to present your side of things, then she’s going to present hers and then you discuss how to resolve them. Start by making it clear that you’re not bringing this up in order to change her mind or pressure her into sex, nor is it to say “do this or we’re breaking up”; the point is that you want to ensure that you two understand each other’s positions, how each of you are feeling about things and why, and how the other’s actions or behaviors are making you feel. Just as importantly: neither you or she should ask questions, interrupt or interject until the other has finished saying their piece. The last thing you want is to inadvertently get derailed by trying to clarify things or a knee-jerk desire to defend your position or correct a mistaken impression. Get to the end of what you have to say and then they can ask questions.

When you start, begin with making it clear that you love her and what you have, but that the sex issue is causing problems – essentially the worries that you lay out in your letter. Stick to “I” statements and “I feel”; you’re talking about your feelings, not accusing her or saying “You are doing this to me and that’s bad.” Explain how confused and frustrated her flip-flopping is making you and how that makes it difficult for you. Tell her that you are having a hard time understanding what’s going on with her and how that affects you and your relationship with her. Let her know that you want to understand her thinking and rationale for both her deciding to wait, and for her bringing up the things she wants to do. If you have suggestions for a compromise or a way to resolve the issue, share those and explain how you think this will make things better for the both of you. Just as importantly, explain that you don’t want her to compromise her values to stay with you; you want to make sure you both understand one another and ideally to resolve this in a way that works for both of you.

Then, allow her to ask questions and clarify points. At which point, it’s her turn to share her side of things. Just as with her, sit quietly and listen to what she has to say, even if you think she’s incorrect about something you said, think or feel. It’ll be hard, I know. Just remember: this is about clearing the air and reaching understanding. She didn’t interrupt you, so don’t interrupt her until she says she’s ready for you to ask questions. Then you can ask what you need to ask or say “I think you misunderstood me when I said X”.

Now a tricky part will be discussing her having been sexually active with her ex. As I said: the envy is understandable, but what she did with one partner doesn’t mean she’s obligated to do it with all future partners. I know you agree that she’s allowed to draw boundaries where she chooses, but that can still be a tight needle to thread when having a discussion like this. It can be very hard to talk about without coming across as though you feel that she “owes” it to you, intentionally or otherwise. I think it’s fair to say “I feel envious of your past boyfriends”, but it may be better to leave that part out for the sake of dealing with the issue at hand.

Once you’ve both had your say, it’ll be time to decide what to do next. This is where it will be hard. This is going to be an area where staying together is going to require compromise, and – jokes about “God’s Little Loophole” aside – it’s one where someone is going to have to give to make things work. This may mean that you have to be willing to accept that intercourse isn’t going to be part of your relationship until later, or it may mean that she’s going to have to decide how firmly she’s going to stick to her desire to wait until marriage.

Or it may mean that you are going to have to agree that this isn’t going to work. As much as it may hurt and as much as it may suck, there simply may not be a way forward for the two of you that won’t be too high a burden for the other to bear. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s a possibility you have to be ready to accept. Sometimes there simply isn’t a compromise that the other person is willing or able to accept and still be happy. In cases like that, no matter who’s doing the sacrificing, there comes a point where that compromise becomes a stone in their shoe, a constant discomfort that only grows over in time until they can’t stand it any longer.

If that happens… well, unfortunately, that’s the end of things for now. Because here’s the thing: sometimes the issue isn’t that you and your partner aren’t right for one another, it’s that you’re not right for each other right now. Two people may not be suited for one another in the present, but will be later on in life, when they’ve both had time to grow and learn. And to be clear: that’s not a guarantee that you two would be able to come back together in the future. It’s just an acknowledgement that “goodbye” doesn’t mean forever. You can both still be in each other’s lives, even important people in one another’s lives and agree that in the future, if you’re single and she’s single, the two of you can circle back around and see how things have changed.

At the same time, you can’t put your life on hold in hopes that this will happen. If you break up, you both have to actually honor the break up and be willing to move on and see other people without keeping one foot out the door just in case. All that does is hold back your own growth while also hurting the people who are trying to have a relationship with you in good faith.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, and I’m sorry for that. Sometimes there simply aren’t any good or clean-cut answers that get you exactly what you want; many times, the only solutions are messy, complicated and occasionally painful. But that pain doesn’t mean that this is the end for the two of you. This part of your story may come to an end, but a new chapter begins. The relationship you have with her won’t be the same as the one you have now, but that’s not a bad thing; it will just be a new one.

Talk things out with her and make sure you both understand where each other stands. That’ll help make sure that you two make a decision that’s right for the both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a single man, how do I get past the idea that we are disliked and of low social value? I’m getting constant reinforcement of the idea that my presence as single man is unwanted and single men generally offer nothing of value.

For example:

– the term ‘sausage fest’ has negative connotations – whilst female-majority social events have a positive perception

– dating apps are 70-75% men – leaving women as the choosers whilst men fight over scraps

– men are often not even allowed into popular bars and clubs without female company – whilst women are often rushed to the front of the line and invited in because they add value to the venue

– many meetup.com events seem to be 75% male – whilst women often host “women only” events so that they can make friends with each other without men annoying them

Everything I see makes single women feel like a sought-after commodity but single men are like annoying flies buzzing around them.

How can I rid myself of this mindset, or do I have to accept that it is true and that I have no choice but to try and overcome this disadvantage?

Solitary And Disposable

DEAR SOLITARY AND DISPOSABLE: Well, I guess I should be glad that this isn’t more complaining about “d--k is abundant and of low value…”

There’s a word here that’s vitally important, SAD – one that will explain precisely what all of these examples are actually talking about and which will hopefully help you recognize the problem with your mindset and how to overcome it.

And that word is “context”.

Taken entirely by themselves, these statements and examples seem pretty bad! It’s not that hard to see how you could see this as being a commentary on the social and societal value of men, especially single men. But the issue here is that you’re missing the actual context in which all of these statements are made or these examples occur. None of them happen in a vacuum after all, and the context surrounding them explains quite a bit.

At least, if you’re not starting from a place where you’re describing how you feel about yourself and aren’t working backwards from there in order to justify it and “prove” its validity – a cognitive bias known as “confirmation bias”.

One example of an important lack of context is that the examples you mention all involve men who sleep with women; gay men aren’t having the same experiences you describe. In fact, that context is pretty important to all of your examples, so let’s keep that in mind as we go through them.

Let’s start from the top: why is a “sausage party” (an event where the majority of attendees, if not all of them, are men) bad, but an event where the majority or total of attendees are women is good? Well, this is where context comes in. And in this case, the context is that the person referring to a “sausage party” or “sausage fest” is complaining that there are no or very few women at the party for them to flirt with or hit on. In other words: it’s “bad” because the person who’s calling the event a “sausage party” is upset that they don’t have a plethora of people they want to f--k, who might be willing to f--k them.

This is where context makes a difference. If, for example, you were hosting a birthday party or some other event where you invited your close friends, and most – if not all – of your close friends happen to be male, you would hardly be complaining about it being a sausage party. After all, you’re getting precisely what you wanted: to celebrate with your friends. Similarly, a gay or bisexual man at an event that’s mostly full of other men isn’t going to be axiomatically seeing this as a bad thing.

(Also, a similar situation of lots of straight women hoping to flirt with guys and no available men would be called a clam shack.)

Other examples, however, are matters of commerce and capitalism. Men are allowed into clubs (with certain exceptions, which I will get to in a second) without female accompaniment. However, it’s often easier to get into clubs or skip the line if you (the hypothetical male in this scenario) are bringing women with you. 

Why? Simple: if there’re very few women in the club, men tend to not stay as long, which means they aren’t buying drinks or otherwise spending money. And if the club develops a reputation for being the aforementioned “sausage party”, then more people will stay away, causing further financial harm to the club. The club is, after all, a business, and like many businesses in the hospitality and entertainment industry, they tend to run on razor-thin margins. A club that has an abundant female clientele most nights is a club that’s going to have a lot more people who want to come and drink, dance and have a good time. So, it’s in the club’s financial interest to encourage women to come – by having reduced door fees, offering discounted drink prices to women on certain nights and other inducements.

Now, there are clubs where men aren’t allowed in without being accompanied by at least one woman: sex clubs and swingers parties. This is, once again, a matter of capitalism and – more importantly – a matter of comfort and feeling of safety. People, including straight, single men, are coming to sex clubs for sexual activity. If there are few women at the party, there are far fewer opportunities for men to have sex. This means men stop attending.

More importantly, however, when there are lots of men and only a small number of women in a sexually charged environment, the women are not going to feel as safe and secure as they would in a similar environment where there are equal numbers of men and women or more women than men. If women don’t feel safe attending those clubs or parties or they feel like they’re going to get harassed (or worse) by the hornt up male attendees, women are going to stop coming at all and the parties and clubs die.

The dating apps and MeetUp groups you mention, however, have a related – but slightly different – angle.

A part of the reason why there are more men than women on dating apps, for example, is because men tend to be earlier adopters of tech and gadgets, including computers, the Internet and smartphones. This is a sociological and somewhat cyclical phenomenon (tech advertises to men more than to women because of the perception that men are earlier adopters than women, so men tend to be more likely to adopt tech earlier, which causes tech to advertise to men more often and so on…) that began in no small part because companies made the conscious choice to target male audiences as their primary market. We saw this in the games industry starting in the late 80s, for example.

However, another, more important aspect that gets overlooked whenever these complaints crop up, is that women tend to join dating apps and then leave soon after. Why? Because of the experiences they have when they sign in – they’re bombarded with low-effort messages from people who are shotgunning their attention in order to maximize opportunities, insulted and harassed by others and generally have horrible experiences. Part of the raison d’être of Bumble was, in part, to make a space where women were less likely to have a horrific experience while trying to find a date.

It hasn’t worked, but that was the whole point of Bumble.

The same goes for MeetUps – as well as yoga classes, dance classes and other events; there are a large number of men who show up and treat the event like a sex ATM. Yoga or learning how to samba or even just meeting fellow LEGO aficionados isn’t as fun when there are dudes who are cruising the event like horny sharks, hitting on everyone like they’re in the club and generally ruining the vibe. It’s hard to enjoy your yoga practice when some dudebro is clearly only there to try to pick up chicks and won’t stop ogling women in their workout clothes or making obvious and very tired jokes about downward dog or cat pose or salutes to the sun.

It’s the same as why Japan instituted “women only” cars on their subways – because sexual harassment, groping, taking non-consensual photos of women and so on were becoming an epidemic.

Now, if you’re paying attention, you may notice an important pattern here: the reason for pretty much all of these involves male behavior around women. This isn’t a case of single men being seen as being socially worth less, it’s a case of a whole lotta dudes who don’t know how to act right f--king up the party for everyone else. You’re correct in that single women are treated by men like a precious commodity – with the emphasis on commodity. As in “things to be consumed”, rather than as people. And, not surprisingly, women don’t appreciate being viewed this way – by anyone in general, but especially by people who are supposedly interested in dating them.

I mean, dude. You refer to the women on dating apps who haven’t found a partner and left the site as scraps. As in left over food, the remains that other people didn’t want or didn’t finish. I understand you were going for a particular turn of phrase to describe the feeling but do you see how that’s a part of the problem?

All the things that you describe as being signs of men (because it’s not just single men that do this) being worthless are the result of said men acting aggressively and often inappropriately towards women, and women not appreciating being treated this way. Women, not unreasonably preferring not to have to navigate a gauntlet of guys who act like d--kbags, will end up prioritizing events and environments that actively discourage this sort of behavior, and may well prefer to attend some events where this sort of behavior is impossible simply because there aren’t any men.

This is about men, in as much as that it’s male behavior that is the source of so many of these attitudes and outcomes, and it’s this sort of male behavior that makes people feel uncomfortable enough to have to compensate for it. It has nothing to do with being single – again, because this sort of behavior isn’t limited to single men – and it has nothing to do with relative social value compared to women.

Except, that is, in as much in how men view women versus how they view men. Such as the idea that a party or event full of men getting described in derogatory terms by other men.

Now, maybe you’re not like one of the guys who act like this and create the environments that make women feel unsafe and unwelcome… poor choice of words aside. And if so, then great! You should keep on being someone who doesn’t act like that. But that doesn’t change the fact that lots of guys do act like this and encourage other men to act like this, despite the fact that it actively harms everyone involved – women and men alike. This is precisely why that sort of behavior among men is called “toxic masculinity”; it’s not that being a man is inherently toxic, it’s these are behaviors and attitudes in men or are coded as being masculine that cause demonstrable harm to individuals and society as a whole.

Just as importantly, however, is that you don’t seem to have noticed precisely who it is that encourages single men to feel bad for being single – and it isn’t women. Women aren’t going around telling men they’re losers for being virgins or for not having girlfriends or not having had enough sex. That’s primarily coming from other men. It’s part and parcel of how men are encouraged to treat one another – to treat other men as competition, to enhance their own social status at the expense of others and to reinforce these sorts of behaviors by punishing people who deviate from them. This is how “simp”, for example, went from describing someone who debases themselves for the sake of someone who doesn’t know or care about them, to mean a guy who doesn’t act like a hormonal d--k monster to women, why “cuck” gets tossed around at other men like beads from a Mardi Gras float and why “bitch” refers to supposedly “weak” or “effeminate” men.  

And to forestall the inevitable and obvious: yes, there’re women who will do this. Women are capable of perpetuating toxic ideas about manhood, male values and male behavior. They are, however, dwarfed by orders of magnitude by men and are following men’s lead in this.

The problem here is that you’re treating this as something being done to you, rather than being the result of a societal encouragement of behaviors that end up causing problems for everyone. This is taking how you feel about being single – that being single says anything about you in and of itself beyond “isn’t currently in a relationship” – and externalizing it and justifying it with incredibly shallow reasoning that doesn’t stand up under basic scrutiny.

So my advice for learning to let go of this mindset is to start recognizing it for what it is – how you feel about yourself – and work outwards from there. Part of it is going to be to learn to love your life and to embrace your inherent value instead of seeing it as being contingent on other people.

Another part is going to be to stop listening to people who tell you that being single is a mark of anything outside of “I’m not currently in a relationship”. People can be single because they’re s--tty people, sure. People can also be single by choice, because their partner died, because they’re not in a position to date anyone, because they have other priorities or even because of pure bad luck. People who encourage you to see yourself as being worth less based on whether you’re dating someone are people who want you to feel this way – often because it benefits them in some way or they’re trying to leverage your feelings as a way of selling you things.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com